A look into the mind of a Betrayed Spouse....

[DazednConfused]

This was posted on another site that I visit occasionally; and it is a tremendous insight into the recovery process of betrayed spouses:

 

 

[color=red]The roller coaster ride description that's often used here is particularly appropriate for me. Some of you might enjoy roller coasters, but I'm afraid of heights, speed AND get motion sickness. When I found out about my husband's affair, it was like being on a theme park ride. I was terrified, sick and had the sensation that hugely threatening events that I couldn't control had jerked me into a speeding ride that would never slow down. What I had thought to be my safe world was ripped apart and a journey began that I didn't want to take. Funny, life has a way of doing that, yanking you out of a comfortable progression onto a tract that feels strange and frightening. I've learned that my rigidity did NOT serve me well. And my expectations were not entitlements. The only way to deal, I have found, is to expect the unexpected and learn to keep your countenance in the face of others' unpredictability.

If you know at the onset that the ride does end--- or at least slow down, maybe it won't be quite so scary.

 

... Allow me to butt in. Almost, exactly two and a half years to the date post d-day, I moved to a new level of comfort with all this.

 

Husband's affair had been over more than a year when I found out about it on Oct. 21, 2001. Don't know how relevant that is, but we didn't have any of the letting go issues. He was never "in love" with the girl, so that helped, but not much. It was about sex, power, anger, control and conquest.. But the affair lasted on and off for 18 months. She was single and continued to date. Eventually she found a real boyfriend, and is now pregnant and married. There WERE, however, extenuating, aggravating circumstances, including the fact that she worked in the office with him and it was also the office where I worked. I was on family leave when the affair happened. Husband and I were lawyers in the office; she was staff (though I have to add, not very productive staff). Eventually and embarrassingly, everybody in the office found out. So that was messy.

 

For the first year after d-day, I was depressed and bat-crazy. Confused, disoriented, lost weight, issolated myself from friends. Non-communicative, cried daily, couldn't stay off this web-site and couldn't concentrate on my work.

 

For the next year, I was obsessed and angry. I was haunted about the details to the point of borderline mental illness. Thoughts and images of her drove me insane, even though she was nothing to look at and, frankly, no match for me in terms of intellect and presence. I think that's one of the things that made her an easy mark for my husband. I compared myself to her and often asked for details which both intrigued, comforted, horrified and vexed me.

 

Trust me, the illness from which you suffer has an identifiable set of symptoms and a recognizable pattern. You feel a little better for a little while, then you feel awful for a long while. You feel happier, then worse, better then miserable. Being sexually betrayed by the person in whom you've placed your most basic trust is tragic. No one can describe it or prepare you for it unless they've been through it. Even when, or especially if, your spouse is working hard to get you over it, nothing can magically cure you from the aftermath. Though some here get relief with anti-depressants, I couldn't take them without sexual side effects and that was the last thing I felt comfortable having, considering I was trying to mend the frontal attack on my sexual self esteem in the first place.

 

I keep thinking I'll write a book about the post traumatic stress of d-day. I'd write a chapter dealing with the initial disorientation and denial-- a kind of numbness that lasts about six months and often includes sexual marathons and reclamation of turf actions, mixed with rage and revulsion. Then there's the WHY phase. The How Could You Do Something So Personally Invasive and Abusive phase? which is accompanied by depression that manifests itself in a kind of perpetual flu-like symptom of physical pain that makes you ache all over and feel chronically tired. Phase three is the haunted bedroom syndrome which causes every sexual overature made by the wayward spouse to be examined in microscopic detail and projected onto the affair. That would best be described as the "Did You Do That With Her?" chapter of the book. This one lasts for awhile. You think it won't end---EVER, and you wonder will you ever have sex with only two people in the room again. That's scary. Finally that ends and the real anger sets in. The, I'm not scared anymore, I just hate your guts for doing such a miserable, cowardly, low-down sh*tty thing to our family stage. That lasts for several months, and depending on whether or not your spouse REALLY loves you and can weather the storm, which is/was kind of a make it or break it pointfor us because the initial fear and need to repent has worn off and the typical wayward spouse has just about had enough at this point.

 

And just when you think, this is it, divorce is the only solution, finally, finally, enough time passes and you, if you are ready, and it takes longer for some, reach the acceptance and relinquishment stage. In this land of promise, you will find distance from the act and deflation of the impact of the affair.

 

I can only describe it as diffusion of the intensity of the pain, anger, humiliation and repugnance--- a peace of mind with the whole nasty mess.

 

It will come. I promise. If I can get it, trust me, you can too. I thought I never would, but I have. I can't say I don't think of it anymore, I do, every day. But the impact is reduced by magnums. The thoughts are fleeting now and easily banished. I feel more pity for the sickness of my husband and his affairee's actions and less threatened by the feelings of betrayal. I see them clearly in their sadness, sneaking around and attempting to gain power from actions that hurt others and I feel the tremendous self-satisfaction and self-esteem that comes from surviving their stupidity, keeping my beautiful family intact and rising above the whole stinking mess they made.

 

Day by day it gets better. Time is on your side! B[/color]

 

 

 

[color=black]Gives me chills each time I have read it...... that "bruised" is a special lady...[/color]

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

Wow. That is such a read right there. That woman IS special, and really has suffered. I really commend her for sharing her situation with others, and to you Dazed for passing it along here.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Being sexually betrayed by the person in whom you've placed your most basic trust is tragic. No one can describe it or prepare you for it unless they've been through it. Even when, or especially if, your spouse is working hard to get you over it, nothing can magically cure you from the aftermath.

That is the absolute truth!

[FolderWife]

That is the most horrible thing I've ever read After reading that, I wonder why one would put oneself through trying to repair a marriage after an affair. It seems so unfair that the only person to suffer is the person who was cheated on. I'm sure the feeling of guilt in the cheater can not COMPARE to the mess of emotions the betrayed must deal with

[DazednConfused]

I'm reasonably certain that everyone suffers.

 

The thing is, as well-written and descriptive as her words are.... they barely scratch the surface of reality.

 

-Dazed

[Sucidesurvior]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

I'm reasonably certain that everyone suffers.

 

The thing is, as well-written and descriptive as her words are.... they barely scratch the surface of reality.

 

-Dazed

 

So true

[only1life]

A great way to describe all those feelings and stuff ... but I sure hope I can get there in less time, but if that's what it takes, I'm in it for the long run, so I'm not giving up!

 

(Last night was one month since "truth-day")

 

There sure are a lot of ups and downs....