Just one of those days...

[zevahc]

Struggling way more than usual today. I think its because I have IC tomorrow and I'm prepared to go to the next level. LC isn't working for me. My feelings for her are too strong and I still feel she gets to have her cake and eat it too. It's not fair to me or the BS. I just know its time. But even though I'm ready to go to NC I'm still battling a broken heart. Making today really hard. Hopefully talking to the counselor will help. I'm not looking for her to solve my problems. Just give me someone to vent with and to have a voice of clarity.

 

Honestly, I wish I had never traveled this road. It's much more painful than I imagined.

[zevahc]

And no.......it is not fair to your BS. Be all in or be out!

 

I'm the OM. I want to be fair to her BS. I'm sick of being 2nd man in the game. It's not fair to anyone. She's really the only one here getting what she wants.

[zevahc]

@zevahc, that's it in a nutshell. The 'friendship' is completely unbalanced, in that the married person gets their relationship and family and the stimulating 'exciting' friend on the side. You're left with nothing. It's not necessarily a bad reflection on the married person, it's just the nature of the relationship.

 

As or the redirecting thoughts, that's an each to their own thing. I try to minimise thoughts of xMM when I go to bed at night (few little 'before sleep' tricks are working quite well), but I have a lot of triggers during the day because mine and xMM's interests overlap a lot. My IC thinks I'm doing just fine dealing with those triggers and letting thoughts of him come to me and me thinking good thoughts about them and him. There is no desire to contact xMM as all I have to do is think 'wife and three kids' and a wall is thrown up in front of me.

 

Think about NC. After a few weeks, I'm feeling much better. In a few months, I'll be ready to think about dating again.

 

Thanks metalchick. The thought of NC is getting easier only because the stress LC is causing me isn't worth it. I feel so tired, depressed etc...and I tend to see that she has none of these emotions because she has it all. It's not fair to me. I'm ready to get my head back and quit torturing myself. I look forward to my IC session tomorrow for some venting and relief.

[zevahc]

@zevahc, one thing I would recommend to be prepared for, is that the first part of NC will be excruciating. It will feel worse that LC. It doesn't last though. Be ready for it and remind yourself that it's temporary.

 

LC might feel less painful, but it is a constant feeling that doesn't go away. NC is in stages and each stage gets easier. It's by far the better choice.

 

Good luck tomorrow.

 

Thanks. I agree. I had tried LC for my child's sake. This person and I were friends before the PA and she has always had a place in my child's life. But somehow I have to go NC and manage that slowly down the road without being obvious to the outside world.

[zevahc]

I like crying, personally, I find it very cathartic. In the shower. But that's just me. :-)

 

It helps me too. No shame admitting it here as a male. I have to release the emotion somehow.

 

No relation to my kid. But prior to all this. Good friend. Still good friend but muddied water and no good for me now.

[zevahc]

Yep. As I told xMM, it's incredibly difficult to be friends with someone you'd rather have sex with.

 

How true. Although truth be told I would rather have had the friendship. Maybe after a a year or so NC. We'll see...

[ComingInHot]

zevahc,

You wrote, "battling a broken heart".

This is usually a battle that most lose.

I wish there was something I could say to make the hurt less or help you work through it faster.

For me (and a lot of songwriters and poets and inventors...) it is through this heartbreak that great clarity is achieved through the "letting" of all the pain of losing something dear to me/us.

I come out a stronger woman with a clearer view of the world and the people in it. It is a more beautiful world but I can see the hidden dangers better that await me and my loved ones... Sublime.

 

zevahc, we gone back and forth before. Don't be the Dad that says, "Do as I say, Not as I do".

Set an example for your little princess so she chooses the right man one day. A man who will cherish her, protect her otherwise you will probably have to kick his a$$*

[zevahc]

zevahc,

You wrote, "battling a broken heart".

This is usually a battle that most lose.

I wish there was something I could say to make the hurt less or help you work through it faster.

For me (and a lot of songwriters and poets and inventors...) it is through this heartbreak that great clarity is achieved through the "letting" of all the pain of losing something dear to me/us.

I come out a stronger woman with a clearer view of the world and the people in it. It is a more beautiful world but I can see the hidden dangers better that await me and my loved ones... Sublime.

 

zevahc, we gone back and forth before. Don't be the Dad that says, "Do as I say, Not as I do".

Set an example for your little princess so she chooses the right man one day. A man who will cherish her, protect her otherwise you will probably have to kick his a$$*

 

Your so right. And I can't tell you how much the past few weeks and particular your encouragement has helped. It has brought me to making this second IC appointment. It's not a matter of should I do this or that to me. It's the execution. I'm struggling to close things out because realistically with our LC (both planned and circumstantial), I can't seem to get a reasonable time to set the boundaries for NC. The past attempts have failed because I don't feel like I've had a chance to say STOP!!! It's isn't working for me for her to be able to keep me at LC where she still is comfortable. And I need to be able to clearly say STOP and explain that I'm serious. She doesn't feel the same hurt I think because she has the best of both worlds. I don't think she can feel my pain. I have to look her in the eye and let her know I'm serious.

[BrokenPrincess]

Yep. As I told xMM, it's incredibly difficult to be friends with someone you'd rather have sex with.

 

^^^^^ This. I've hit some bargaining stages myself thinking *maybe* I could just be friends with xMM, but you're right. I WOULD rather have sex with him. And if he feels the same way, it might happen and hurt all over again and if he doesn't feel the same way, it might hurt every single time we talk.

[zevahc]

^^^^^ This. I've hit some bargaining stages myself thinking *maybe* I could just be friends with xMM, but you're right. I WOULD rather have sex with him. And if he feels the same way, it might happen and hurt all over again and if he doesn't feel the same way, it might hurt every single time we talk.

 

I'll be honest. I wouldn't RATHER have sex with her. I would rather have our friendship back.

[DelusionalOne]

^^^^^ This. I've hit some bargaining stages myself thinking *maybe* I could just be friends with xMM, but you're right. I WOULD rather have sex with him. And if he feels the same way, it might happen and hurt all over again and if he doesn't feel the same way, it might hurt every single time we talk.

 

I can't ever be just friends with xMM because I love him still and as much as I miss his friendship and support I know I could never be happy with just a platonic relationship with him. I would honestly rather have nothing...which is what I have.

Edited May 16, 2013 by DelusionalOne

[BrokenPrincess]

I can't ever be just friends with xMM because I love him still and as much as I miss his friendship and support I know I could never be happy with just a platonic relationship with him. I would honestly rather have nothing...which is what I have.

 

Yes that's exactly what I meant by I'd rather have sex. I'd still want a "not platonic" relationship, not just a MM boy toy It just feels unnatural and deliberate in a hard way not to flirt and tease him, to put my hand on his leg or his arm around me....I wish I could just fast forward past this grieving.

[bellasue]

I'd rather have the friendship back too. Although admittedly it would be difficult if we maintained the sexual chemistry.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It's interesting to see a man in this situation.

 

Looking back, and now being much stronger, I would love to have the friendship back - that's where he and I began and there was nothing like it. Unfortunately once we crossed that line, I wanted both - not one or the other - both. For both of us the emotional attachment and the "spiritual" connection was huge and made the physical that much better. Once we were there, there was no way to go back.

 

I sometimes wonder if there will be a day that we can have a friendship again but honestly I don't think either of our spouses will allow it. It would have to come with the disintegration of our marriages. Both of our spouses know how deep the connection is.

 

Unfortunate no contact is the only way until (or if) something changes in either one of our lives because I think we both know that we would be back "in it" again if there was contact.

[zevahc]

It's interesting to see a man in this situation.

 

Looking back, and now being much stronger, I would love to have the friendship back - that's where he and I began and there was nothing like it. Unfortunately once we crossed that line, I wanted both - not one or the other - both. For both of us the emotional attachment and the "spiritual" connection was huge and made the physical that much better. Once we were there, there was no way to go back.

 

I sometimes wonder if there will be a day that we can have a friendship again but honestly I don't think either of our spouses will allow it. It would have to come with the disintegration of our marriages. Both of our spouses know how deep the connection is.

 

Unfortunate no contact is the only way until (or if) something changes in either one of our lives because I think we both know that we would be back "in it" again if there was contact.

 

Maybe nobody believes me....and certainly as a man/person I like sex. We had a phenomenal physical connection. But before all of that our friendship existed and I truly would give anything to have that back. It wasn't the sex that made me fall in love with her...and it isn't the sex that makes me miss her. I truly love this woman. And it's wrong....i don't feel good about falling in love with an unavilable person. But if I can have her friendship back without crossing the boundaries into an EA, then I would give everything up.