Broke NC

[KatZee]

Katz I think you have me mixed up with someone else.

 

Not at all. Please re-read my post. I responded to you, and was talking about YnL. Only the first line is directed at you. I guess that's where the confusion lies.

[d0620]

Actually Katz I get what you are saying now. I can understand why she has gone back but maybe she is ashamed of it. After doing it over and over again it feels right while you are doing it because you think it will stop the pain but it only makes you feel worse after you drive home with your dignity stripped from between your legs. I have sworn not to do it again many times only now I actually feel worse pain having sex and giving in rather than walking away.

[KatZee]

Actually Katz I get what you are saying now. I can understand why she has gone back but maybe she is ashamed of it. After doing it over and over again it feels right while you are doing it because you think it will stop the pain but it only makes you feel worse after you drive home with your dignity stripped from between your legs. I have sworn not to do it again many times only now I actually feel worse pain having sex and giving in rather than walking away.

 

Of course she's ashamed, but the feeling she has of a bruised ego is far greater than any shame she feels. YnL leads a lonely life and one of her biggest challenges is to stop making excuses for herself and really get out there and create a social circle for herself, pick up hobbies/interests, meet new people, do new things. And these things just don't happen.

 

I've felt lonely at certain times in my life and I get how it makes you cling desperately to things that aren't good for you, just because you want to feel accepted, and wanted by someone.

 

However this guy isn't good, and was NEVER good to her. So it's not as if they had some magical relationship and it's what she's craving. He was never anything but (for lack of better words) a dick. And for 18 months this has been going on. She runs to him, says she's "sick of it" and goes NC for about a week, and then does this again, rinse, repeat. It really needs to stop, for her own sake.

[KatZee]

I'm on a one-woman mission to change this perception about NC. Have any of you ever thought that your ex might not be contacting you BECAUSE he cares enough to not hurt you, not interfere with your healing, but wants to give you the best possible chance of moving on?

 

Just try it. Not "My ex isn't contacting me because he doesn't care!!" Instead "My ex respects himself and me enough that he wants the best possible chance for us both to heal and move on."

 

If I didn't know the utterly complete and twisted story of YnL I would say your point is valid. In this case, it's not.

 

The guy isn't contacting her b/c he wants her to move on. It's because he doesn't have any use for her right now.

 

Again, it's just another one of the cycles of this story. He goes MIA for weeks, sometimes months, and when he's on a dry spell, needs sex, needs a fix... he comes sniffing back around, and YnL falls for it every time and falls right back into his trap.

 

This guy isn't capable of caring about anyone enough to allow them to move on. All he wants is what he wants. He's a user and he's proven it time, and time, and time again.

 

At this point, I truly feel YnL is completely unreachable. She's too far into denial. The only thing that would hit home, I think... it professional counseling.

 

YnL for how hard you fight all of us, for how hard you ignore all of us and continue making the same mistake, why don't you turn that effort around and put it into NC?

[bdizzle]

YNL - In all seriousness, and no disrespect intended. But, you need serious counseling. You really do. You are unable to control yourself and causing yourself serious damage which may stick with you for a long time to come if you do not get help!

 

Settle down. She wanted to txt him so she did. Because she cares does not mean she needs "serious counseling." Having a setback does not mean she's flawed in any shape or form. She's hurt. When she is ready to let get or let the situation be she will. But just because she followed her gut feelings/head/heart does not mean she should automatically seek counseling.

[d0620]

I've felt lonely at certain times in my life and I get how it makes you cling desperately to things that aren't good for you, just because you want to feel accepted, and wanted by someone.

 

This describes me, but I can't explain why I have many guys who would love to be with me but I keep waiting and longing for him. I literally cry every night and when I wake up in the morning. Sometime I wonder if I am just crying because I made a fool out of myself thinking he would come around and yes I too feel rejected. However, in many ways I will miss someone I talked to every single day and spent special moments with hoping for it to be more but I knew he would not be able to commit to me. I am angry with him and with myself and it hurts.

I did EVERYTHING to make him realize I was the one, and he doesn't even acknowledge my emotions. He ignores what comes from my mouth and tries to carry on as usual just like I said nothing at all. He once said that if you got me you wouldn't even want me. I say at the very least give me the opportunity to figure that out since I have given you a year of my life and treated you like my boyfriend. What do I deserve?

Edited May 15, 2013 by d0620

[bdizzle]

She'll grow tired of the ignoring sooner or later as time passes. Only she decides when that time is. Setback after setback, its only a matter of time until she's had enough.

 

Until then, YNL, do what you feel you have to. Its not easy by any means. Either way, ignoring/not texting or texting until your fingers bleed, the situation only gets better when you want it to. As I've already stated to you in PM, NC helps, but only when you're ready for it and can accept it.

 

Theres no time frame on when you need to start it/stop it. When you're ready, you'll know it. Although now, you can use this situation as incite to the next time you feel like reaching out. Ya, it feels good for an instance to reach out, and you can put your thoughts/feelings to rest, but the aftermath is where the learning comes from.

[youngnlove89]

I'm not lying in my posts Katzee. I say exactly how I feel at that given moment. I go up and down. My feelings change every day!! I hate it! I don't even know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. I'm starting to think I just enjoy the pain.

 

Yes, I was trying to get a reaction out of him, just like he tried to get a reaction out of me with that email a few weeks ago and then calling me at 1am to see his is thinking about me.

 

It has been going on for so long that this is what we are used to doing with each other. He WILL contact me again, I know him better than that. And I hold onto that because it's all I have. And when he contacts me, I'll be back on his door, and he KNOWS that. Trust me, everything you know, I KNOW better.

 

BUT...I'm here trying to fix it. Trying to get through it. Trying to change. I realized you can't change anyone because it is SO HARD to even change myself and my habits.

 

I WANT to move on. But I'm trying to break this habit, this routine, and changing something that you are so used to is frightening and scary.

 

I'm working on it. I'm posting to share my feelings. I love your advice Katzee more than anything. I do. It sticks. I want to keep NC and I know that in order to do that I have to do something different, I have to change routes, because I know the one I am on isn't working for me.

 

Him ignoring me is good for me. Because it's what I need. Maybe this time he will really just stop talking to me. It may hurt, but in the end I will finally have to let go, because I will have no choice.

[youngnlove89]

Settle down. She wanted to txt him so she did. Because she cares does not mean she needs "serious counseling." Having a setback does not mean she's flawed in any shape or form. She's hurt. When she is ready to let get or let the situation be she will. But just because she followed her gut feelings/head/heart does not mean she should automatically seek counseling.

 

THANK YOU!!! Gosh, I really hate it when people say that I need serious counseling. I was really starting to believe that I do. That I am crazy, that this isn't normal for me... But I just am hurt. I'm in pain. This heartbreak might take me years to get over. I hope not, but it's true. I really do love him and care for him, so that makes the pain worse. I understand that this is an emotionally messy situation and what we are doing is toxic. And I can see how counseling could be mentioned because maybe it helped for others.

 

I was in a relationship once where the guy cheated on me. It took me TWO years to finally let go. And the only reason I did was because HE MADE ME. He stopped talking to me after a year of us going back and forth and trying to fix what was broken. Finally, one day he fell off this face of earth and no matter what I did, he ignored me. It was really what I needed. But it took me two years to finally believe that he was really gone. But during those two years, I didn't waste it, I did date others, but he was always on the back burner, I always thought he would come around. He didn't, and finally I realize I didn't want him anyways.

 

That's my problem now, I don't believe he is gone. Because the past has shown me he always comes back. Until one day, I either have had enough and let go, or he has had enough and stops talking to me. I believe one will happen sooner rather than later.

 

Counseling could help me, but in the end, I just need to do let go and everyone does that in their own time. Plus, my insurance doesn't cover it so I'm SOL unless someone wants to pay for me!

 

I'm actually doing fine now. I really am. I just had a rough moment, and lately they are coming less and less. It used to stick around for days, now it just lasts for a few hours. I do have a social life and it hurt me to see that people think I have a lonely life. I do not. I go to the gym now, I have friends, I have plans this weekend, I do get out, I have a great job and I do have hobbies. I just am going through a breakup right now, so some of it has fallen by the wayside. But it's there nonetheless.

Edited May 15, 2013 by youngnlove89

[d0620]

YNL,

My motivation is not to be here a year later saying the things you just said. I don't want this to be my normal. However, I can certainly understand how it is yours, because its become a game of trying to conquer something that you fought so long and hard for. I messed over someone who really cared about me because I needed a distraction. I knew he was not my type but I used him and when the guy came back, I dropped him like a hot potato now I lost a friend.

My advice try to go at it alone for awhile and grieve the loss don't rebound. I am going to try to do the same. They are using us and if they want us they know how to get us. I'm lame and gutless, but this should make us stronger and you need to prove to yourself and him that you can do this so the next time he come running back make it harder for him to get in. Men appreciate what they have to work hard for. Not to mention if you keep doing the same thing you keep getting the same results. Change it up a little. I have decided to focus my energy on spending this last month with my kid before she goes to college. I have been so distracted by him that I am not focusing on her, I am going to spend my Friday nights at singles bible study, I am going to put off dating until I am emotionally ready and I can't hurt anybody. This is my first step and oh last for today, I am going to block him again from my cellphone and this time my phone works perfectly fine...long road to recovery but I have to be strong..

[KatZee]

THANK YOU!!! Gosh, I really hate it when people say that I need serious counseling. I was really starting to believe that I do. That I am crazy, that this isn't normal for me... But I just am hurt. I'm in pain.

 

I don't think you should hate when people tell you to get help. I don't think there's anything embarrassing about wanting to seek council. It doesn't mean you're abnormal, or you're crazy. It just helps you see things in another light, and they can help you cope with things.

 

Being hurt and in pain is one of the main reason people DO see therapists. Especially when you're unable to cope. Especially when it affects someone as much as it does you.

 

Seeing a therapist will help you take steps to self-love, they will help you set goals, and achieve those goals. I think it would be more beneficial to get out of the house and see someone in person rather than continue to sit alone in your room talking to faceless strangers on the internet.

[youngnlove89]

I don't think you should hate when people tell you to get help. I don't think there's anything embarrassing about wanting to seek council. It doesn't mean you're abnormal, or you're crazy. It just helps you see things in another light, and they can help you cope with things.

 

Being hurt and in pain is one of the main reason people DO see therapists. Especially when you're unable to cope. Especially when it affects someone as much as it does you.

 

Seeing a therapist will help you take steps to self-love, they will help you set goals, and achieve those goals. I think it would be more beneficial to get out of the house and see someone in person rather than continue to sit alone in your room talking to faceless strangers on the internet.

 

 

I do get out and I do talk to other people. I come here to get more advice, and to vent. Also to just keep a log so I can look back on it and re-read it when I need to. I am not alone. I have friends and family. I am getting back in touch with people I kind of forgot about during my relationship. I am not alone. I do things, I go out and have fun. I am getting better even though some may not see it, BUT I FEEL IT. My roommate and I are going to the gym to do a class with one of her friends. I do enjoy getting out of the house and being active and doing things. This summer I'm going to Texas to visit a friend.

 

But I am an introvert, I do enjoy my alone time more than others. That doesn't make me a lonely person. I just like being alone more than going out sometimes.

[mtnbiker3000]

Settle down. She wanted to txt him so she did. Because she cares does not mean she needs "serious counseling." Having a setback does not mean she's flawed in any shape or form. She's hurt. When she is ready to let get or let the situation be she will. But just because she followed her gut feelings/head/heart does not mean she should automatically seek counseling.

 

Just wondering, have you searched her posts?? If so, you may have a different perspective... And btw- I myself have benefited a great deal from counseling, so I do speak from experience. Whatever. Do what ya want...

Edited May 15, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't think you should hate when people tell you to get help. I don't think there's anything embarrassing about wanting to seek council. It doesn't mean you're abnormal, or you're crazy. It just helps you see things in another light, and they can help you cope with things.

 

Being hurt and in pain is one of the main reason people DO see therapists. Especially when you're unable to cope. Especially when it affects someone as much as it does you.

 

Seeing a therapist will help you take steps to self-love, they will help you set goals, and achieve those goals. I think it would be more beneficial to get out of the house and see someone in person rather than continue to sit alone in your room talking to faceless strangers on the internet.

 

^^ Exactly!!! Not a sign of weakness, rather a sign of strength, maturity and a genuine desire to better your life and learn from your experiences... Again, do whatever you want... I'll continue to read and respond on what I think...

Edited May 15, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[na49]

I feel like pulling my hair out every time I read one of your threads now. You fluctuate between "I'm going to the gym and I'm working on me :)" to "I miss him. I love him. He knows I loved him so why doesn't he care? :("

 

When are you going to stop shooting yourself in the foot? At some point it has to be about you and not him. Otherwise you'll never move on. You'll just keep breaking NC at this rate, so you might as well not even "go NC". Part of moving on is WANTING to move on. Do you want to move on?

 

Professional help will do you wonders. It's nice getting advice on here, but hearing it out loud from a therapist is EXACTLY what you need. You know what you have to do, you're just not doing it and hearing what you need to do in person will motivate you to actually do it.

 

also, just because you're leaving your house doesn't mean you're fixing your problems. It seems like you've been getting out of the house ever since you've started posting. So maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a fix. (counseling)

[Simon Phoenix]

youngnlove, you really need to get this "counseling is a bad thing and a sign of defeat" crap out of your head. Counseling can be good and doesn't mean you are a flawed person -- it means you are serious about really trying to fix this. I mean, you stubbornly didn't block him for 18 months and kept falling into the trap to try to prove some point, which has put you through hell. Learn from that and don't fall into the same mistakes. This isn't Olympic gymnastics -- you don't get points for degree of difficulty.

 

Like I said before, you aren't fighting him. You are fighting yourself.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[mtnbiker3000]

But I just am hurt. I'm in pain. This heartbreak might take me years to get over. I hope not, but it's true. I really do love him and care for him, so that makes the pain worse.

 

Not to continue bashing you, but don't you think we are all in pain? Don't you think we are all suffering? Don't you think we all hurt? We absolutley are!!! All of us!! 100% Just search my posts. Total, absolute and complete pain, suffering and anguish. Every day!!! But, I choose to feel better. I choose to actively get stronger. I choose NC. Hard? Hell yeah!! Hardest thing I have ever done. I loved this girl more than I loved anything on this planet! Would do anything for her. And she left. Crushed me. Devestated me. But I deal with it. Why? Because I have to. I have no choice. And neither do you. You must make changes and proactively do things to help yourself. Quit playing the victim of this A-hole.

 

I don't share this with you to make you feel bad, or make myself out to be some poor victim. But rather to show you that you are not alone. And, you too can choose to get better. But, it starts with you. Do you truly want to feel better? To get past this? Only you know the answer... I wish you luck.

[aisuru]

Whoo boy. I know you must feel a little attacked right now and I hope my post doesn't add to that.

 

I say this to you as I wish I could say to my 20 something year old self back in the day. I imagine you're in your early to mid 20s. And your posts have reminded me of me back then. I've been following you for a bit. And honestly, before I fully knew your story (and I'm certain I don't know everything), you sounded like you were coming out of an abusive relationship and had no self confidence. And I understood that feeling... You think you have it all together, but on the inside, when it comes to the vulnerability of caring for somebody else... maybe it's not totally where it should be.

 

Heart breaks hurt. They can really bring you down, particularly when you're not sure who you are or what your own self worth is. This guy has let you down. You might even feel you let yourself down by continuing in this cycle.

 

Therapy can help you work through the mourning process of this relationship, but also help you to understand why you spent so much time and emotion invested in a man and relationship that is not healthy for you. A relationship you're not receiving healthy care and concern from. If you do not figure out what got you in this relationship, you will continue to repeat this cycle in other relationships.

 

Please trust me on this. Please hear me out.

 

There is free or extremely discounted therapy available for people whose insurance doesn't cover it and who have limited money/resources. It's time for you to find a neutral party (friends can only help so much) to help you. If you want help that is. It's available when you decide you're ready for a change.

 

Hell, if you trust me, I'll help you find something in your area. I've been in your exact position when I was younger. Knew I needed therapy from a qualified resource, but had no money. Somebody helped me to find resources.

 

You deserve more than this. Your future relationships deserve more. Nobody deserves to feel the way you feel right now. And maybe one of us can help you get connected with your healing. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to get therapy.

 

I promise. It gets better. You deserve better.

 

People here obviously know you here and care enough to express this same level of concern. Hear them out for the concern they are expressing to you. It's because they care and because they understand.

[rainmayker]

I broke my NC on many ocassions.

 

My ex dumped me for GIGS, a blindsided breakup with no warning whatsoever. After two years of happiness, she just packed up and left.

 

I was torn apart when I couldn't contact her, but as it turns out, she wanted me to be the one to contact her anyway. It was probably a mistake for me to have no contact, actually, because she's the shy one and I am the dominant one. It was probably better off for me to just message her and work things out. But I didn't.

 

The important thing here is that I was torn apart after she called me and talked. I wish that I could change a lot of things, but I can't now... I wish that I had kept the power to myself, instead of professing my love for her. I wish, oh I wish!

 

The point is that you shouldn't worry about following any NC or LC rules. You should do what you FEEL is right! Most of the time, it works out for the better, anyway.

[Simon Phoenix]

I broke my NC on many ocassions.

 

My ex dumped me for GIGS, a blindsided breakup with no warning whatsoever. After two years of happiness, she just packed up and left.

 

I was torn apart when I couldn't contact her, but as it turns out, she wanted me to be the one to contact her anyway. It was probably a mistake for me to have no contact, actually, because she's the shy one and I am the dominant one. It was probably better off for me to just message her and work things out. But I didn't.

 

The important thing here is that I was torn apart after she called me and talked. I wish that I could change a lot of things, but I can't now... I wish that I had kept the power to myself, instead of professing my love for her. I wish, oh I wish!

 

The point is that you shouldn't worry about following any NC or LC rules. You should do what you FEEL is right! Most of the time, it works out for the better, anyway.

 

Yeah, not the best advice to give this particular poster.

[rainmayker]

Just giving my two cents here.

 

If it's going to make you feel better like it did for me, then it may be worth it. Totally up to you regardless.

[Good_Spirit]

You know what you should do...Take a break, from everything, you gotta find yourself again, find peace within you and enjoy being with yourself, alone, for a while.

You do that as you said earlier, by doing some sports that you like doing, and hm get in touch with the things you are talented with, maybe there are hidden talents within you related to music, drawing, writing, or photography or anything else, try to find these things, learn new skills, once you accomplish that you'll feel so much different, so good that you wish you stay like this forever, you'll feel the hero of yourself.

Now, that is true love, it is within you, by feeling all this peace and serenity inside you, then your eyes will be widely opened and you'll see the truth, about the person you really want to be with, this may take a while or it may happen in a blink of an eye, just don't rush things, if you want to get yourself off use a vibrator for that, but for the time being focus on the things you like doing, and distract yourself from the past, distance yourself from it, create a new "me" and make yourself worth being alive. Trust me, once you accomplish doing that, you'll feel like a new person, and you will be a happier person.

Cheers

[OzHeartache]

You know what you should do...Take a break, from everything, you gotta find yourself again, find peace within you and enjoy being with yourself, alone, for a while.

You do that as you said earlier, by doing some sports that you like doing, and hm get in touch with the things you are talented with, maybe there are hidden talents within you related to music, drawing, writing, or photography or anything else, try to find these things, learn new skills, once you accomplish that you'll feel so much different, so good that you wish you stay like this forever, you'll feel the hero of yourself.

Now, that is true love, it is within you, by feeling all this peace and serenity inside you, then your eyes will be widely opened and you'll see the truth, about the person you really want to be with, this may take a while or it may happen in a blink of an eye, just don't rush things, if you want to get yourself off use a vibrator for that, but for the time being focus on the things you like doing, and distract yourself from the past, distance yourself from it, create a new "me" and make yourself worth being alive. Trust me, once you accomplish doing that, you'll feel like a new person, and you will be a happier person.

Cheers

 

 

 

Dude, This is exactly what I know I need to do for myself ......well all except for the vibrator lol

[rainmayker]

I'm not lying in my posts Katzee. I say exactly how I feel at that given moment. I go up and down. My feelings change every day!! I hate it! I don't even know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. I'm starting to think I just enjoy the pain.

 

Yes, I was trying to get a reaction out of him, just like he tried to get a reaction out of me with that email a few weeks ago and then calling me at 1am to see his is thinking about me.

 

It has been going on for so long that this is what we are used to doing with each other. He WILL contact me again, I know him better than that. And I hold onto that because it's all I have. And when he contacts me, I'll be back on his door, and he KNOWS that. Trust me, everything you know, I KNOW better.

 

BUT...I'm here trying to fix it. Trying to get through it. Trying to change. I realized you can't change anyone because it is SO HARD to even change myself and my habits.

 

I WANT to move on. But I'm trying to break this habit, this routine, and changing something that you are so used to is frightening and scary.

 

I'm working on it. I'm posting to share my feelings. I love your advice Katzee more than anything. I do. It sticks. I want to keep NC and I know that in order to do that I have to do something different, I have to change routes, because I know the one I am on isn't working for me.

 

Him ignoring me is good for me. Because it's what I need. Maybe this time he will really just stop talking to me. It may hurt, but in the end I will finally have to let go, because I will have no choice.

 

Oh man, I totally feel this pain on a daily basis - one day up, one day down, and repeat for as long as time goes on! I'm a lot stronger now after breaking NC and going into a yelling contest, though. I don't recommend that you do what I did, but it's what I decided myself to do.

 

Best wishes...

[Good_Spirit]

Dude, This is exactly what I know I need to do for myself ......well all except for the vibrator lol

 

haha, yeah...that was just a general rule, and i was answering to the girl posting this thread

but as a general rule, for girls and boys, they gotta find this inner peace, or serenity, which I also add Love to it, cos you know people keep looking for love outside and they forget themselves, but dude it's just right there! you gotta be honest with yourself and take care of yourself before you start taking care of someone else. I would think you can carry someone else on your back if you can't carry yourself first. just a rule of thumb

take care