Broke NC

[Tree_Salmon]

Not to repeat what everyone's already said but...

Younglove, how long have we been playing this game? seriously?

Almost 2 years, no?

 

You have no enemies here. We all come from the same place. You know we've been there. And there's nothing wrong with counseling or therapy. Stop letting your pride and your ego get in the way of everything you do.

 

Take a step back from your destructive patterns and try something different. Doing the same thing over and over will bring about the same results and only waste your time. The biggest crime here is that you're wasting your 20's being miserable.

You should be enjoying your life. Better off alone right now.

 

bla bla, you know what i'm going to say.

[bdizzle]

Just wondering, have you searched her posts?? If so, you may have a different perspective... And btw- I myself have benefited a great deal from counseling, so I do speak from experience. Whatever. Do what ya want...

 

as a matter of fact, yes I have been following her posts. An no, my perspective has not changed.

 

As one who has been through both couples counseling as well as individual counseling, I am not knocking it in any sense. There were bits and pieces that I did find useful. That being said, no amount of "how does that make you feel" and "why do you think you do that?" worked. "Well bitch, if it made me feel good, why the hell would I be here?" Only when I realized it was doing me no good pining for my exes or any amount of reaching out, did I chose for myself to stop the cycle.

 

When she's ready to stop it, she will. She's hurt and a counselor telling her everything everyone here is isn't going to make a difference either. SHE has to be the one to make that choice. Simply being told to do so isn't and hasn't worked as shes not ready to.

[Tree_Salmon]

When she's ready to stop it, she will. She's hurt and a counselor telling her everything everyone here is isn't going to make a difference either. SHE has to be the one to make that choice. Simply being told to do so isn't and hasn't worked as shes not ready to.

 

I disagree.

 

Maybe you realized you were ready at a certain point but that doesn't mean she will.

 

You can't just wait something like this out. It takes effort to stop and do something about it.

 

What happens when the next guy screws her over? Wait that out too? and by the time shes 40 she can wait out the next guy.

 

I'm saying this because ive been in it and instead of waiting it out my second time i decided not to waste any more of my life on people who don't deserve it.

Self respect goes a long way.

[Treasa]

I love my psychologist. Even though I'm doing really well and he calls me his easy success story I still see him sometimes for a sanity check, or just to shoot the ****. He's awesome. Not all are good, but when you can find one that really works, they can be of tremendous help.

[bdizzle]

youngnlove, you really need to get this "counseling is a bad thing and a sign of defeat" crap out of your head. Counseling can be good and doesn't mean you are a flawed person -- it means you are serious about really trying to fix this. I mean, you stubbornly didn't block him for 18 months and kept falling into the trap to try to prove some point, which has put you through hell. Learn from that and don't fall into the same mistakes. This isn't Olympic gymnastics -- you don't get points for degree of difficulty.

 

Like I said before, you aren't fighting him. You are fighting yourself.

 

Yes, its not a bad thing in any form or fashion. However when she's ready to let it go she will.

 

Not making excuses for her, but we tend to overlook the age factor. Its been mentioned already shes "wasting her 20's" on this. This is true. She's still young though, and while an adult, this was a big part of her life and to be told, hey, let it go, get counseling, move on, is just a load of horse****. She's hurting and dealing with it the only way she knows how.

 

More than half the people here, probably what, 80-85%, myself included, have done the whole break NC or act like a ****ing idiot when breaking up. When everyone finally realized that the cycle was more harm than good, then and only then did they make the next step into remedying the situation for themselves and their peace of mind. She can sit through hours upon hours of a counselor who lets be honest, is out for a paycheck (edit: this is not to say they do not genuinely care, but really, its their JOB. It's a paycheck) and be told the same thing everyone here has been saying, and still chose to contact her camel dick of an ex. She has to find it in herself truly and heartfully willing to let it go.

[Tree_Salmon]

Yes, its not a bad thing in any form or fashion. However when she's ready to let it go she will.

 

Not making excuses for her, but we tend to overlook the age factor. Its been mentioned already shes "wasting her 20's" on this. This is true. She's still young though, and while an adult, this was a big part of her life and to be told, hey, let it go, get counseling, move on, is just a load of horse****. She's hurting and dealing with it the only way she knows how.

 

More than half the people here, probably what, 80-85%, myself included, have done the whole break NC or act like a ****ing idiot when breaking up. When everyone finally realized that the cycle was more harm than good, then and only then did they make the next step into remedying the situation for themselves and their peace of mind. She can sit through hours upon hours of a counselor who lets be honest, is out for a paycheck (edit: this is not to say they do not genuinely care, but really, its their JOB. It's a paycheck) and be told the same thing everyone here has been saying, and still chose to contact her camel dick of an ex. She has to find it in herself truly and heartfully willing to let it go.

 

I also think its dangerous to blame everything on the ex.

 

Equal amount of blame applies here. Just because he's a douche doesn't mean he deserves all the blame. She's chosen to go back and be as manipulative, etc.

 

I've been equally responsible for all my relationships.

Nobody needs to baby anyone here, the whole point is to stop relying on others for validation and start making your own mind up.

 

Younglove, you don't need a crutch. Part of being adults is taking responsibility for the sh*t we do.

[bdizzle]

I disagree.

 

Maybe you realized you were ready at a certain point but that doesn't mean she will.

 

You can't just wait something like this out. It takes effort to stop and do something about it.

 

What happens when the next guy screws her over? Wait that out too? and by the time shes 40 she can wait out the next guy.

 

I'm saying this because ive been in it and instead of waiting it out my second time i decided not to waste any more of my life on people who don't deserve it.

Self respect goes a long way.

 

Wait it out? No, but shes still young. She's supposed to magically get over it? You and I may have been able to move forward, but we did so in our own time. Everyone gets over their **** in their own speed. Some have to hit rock bottom, some do so the following hour. A counselor isnt going to push her to move any faster than what shes comfortable with or is willing to do.

 

And if we're going to throw out future scenarios...okay I'll play along. What if the next guy doesnt screw her over? What if she does realize that all this is for nothing? What if she *actually* takes all this to heart and when the next one does come along either a. she recognizes the signs before hand and won't put up with ****, or b. she does get hurt, she again, looks back at what shes been through and has the reminder of what not to do? What if's are just ****ing rediculous in this day and age.

 

Now, that out of the way, YES, self respect goes much further than any words or amount of help can offer. Completely agree. Takes a whole lot of searching and grieving to find inside that "you know what, **** him/her, I am better than that, I deserve better than that, I know what I have to offer and what I will/won't tolerate." Did a counselor bring you your self worth? Did a counselor tell you exactly where to find it? No, they may have offered advise, but guess what, I'm almost certain it was advise you had already heard.

 

Again, please do not take me as knocking counseling. I too have been when I thought of nothing else and nowhere else to go for answers and yes, there were areas that helped, but did it make any of us do a 180 as if a light went off and poof suddenly realize what fools we had been and how to move forward? Highly unlikely.

Edited May 15, 2013 by bdizzle

[baRx]

My ex hasn't contacted me at all, less than 2 weeks now. It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel unworthy. Not good enough. Or maybe he has met someone else? It bothers me that I don't know. Is someone capable of missing me after two years together? Does he think of me? Regret it? I'll be honest, my ego is bruised. So, with that concluded, I messed up:

 

I haven't been doing so well with NC the fast couple days and I haven't been abiding it that well either. I did text him yesterday, and it was stupid. But I had a weak moment, an immature moment, you can add. I said that I loved him and cared for him, but am seeing someone else now. I wish him the best yada yada. No reply. Nothing. That was yesterday. I don't know why I told him I was seeing someone. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I didn't think before I acted. I just needed to do it. Maybe because I want him to think that I'm okay without him. I have no excuse and I take full accountability for it. I set myself up. Now I'm paying the price.

 

But, it's okay. I'm not going to let it set me back. I'm going to the gym today, I'm smiling, I'm going to take care of myself and be happy. I will move past this. I'm going out this weekend with a guy friend of mine that I was interested in before my ex. We lost touch for awhile, but we are talking again. No expectations, just going out for a beer. He knows I just want to go out as friends. I know I'm not ready to get into a relationship yet, as I still have feelings for my ex.

 

I was a little perplexed about whether I should share that I broke NC or not, but what the heck, I'm trying to move on so I have to be honest with myself and all of you if I want the help I need.

 

don't feel bad, kiddo. it happens to us all. last week after going 4 months NC, my 'ex' contacted me and we talked for an hour. it was nothing special, just catch-up talk. the next night i went to hang out with her at some bar with one of her friends... we had a decent time, but now i'm sitting here asking myself why the hell i did that. i told myself i was going in with no expectations, and was just going to treat the situation like she was just a normal person -- but it's still bugging me today.

 

but, life goes on. so will yours. just keep that head up and keep trucking along and you'll soon realize how little it matters anyways.

[bdizzle]

I also think its dangerous to blame everything on the ex.

 

Equal amount of blame applies here. Just because he's a douche doesn't mean he deserves all the blame. She's chosen to go back and be as manipulative, etc.

 

I've been equally responsible for all my relationships.

Nobody needs to baby anyone here, the whole point is to stop relying on others for validation and start making your own mind up.

 

Younglove, you don't need a crutch. Part of being adults is taking responsibility for the sh*t we do.

 

There is no blame to one over the other. They both made mistakes. They both want to play a unwinable game. She may want to blame him, he wants to blame her. It takes two and as much as blame would like to be handed out, its simply untrue that one party is responsible for the end over the other.

[Tree_Salmon]

And if we're going to throw out future scenarios...okay I'll play along. What if the next guy doesnt screw her over? What if she does realize that all this is for nothing? What if she *actually* takes all this to heart and when the next one does come along either a. she recognizes the signs before hand and won't put up with ****, or b. she does get hurt, she again, looks back at what shes been through and has the reminder of what not to do? What if's are just ****ing rediculous in this day and age.

 

My answer is - it wont work.

 

I honestly don't believe Younglove is currently capable of a stable relationship, so yes, i believe that the next relationship will end up the same way.

 

This is a pattern, if she doesn't continue it with her ex it will be with a new guy. My advice has and alwyas will be "stop allowing your relationship to define your life".

 

You need to be alone until this is done.

[bdizzle]

 

but, life goes on. So will yours. Just keep that head up and keep trucking along and you'll soon realize how little it matters anyways.

 

this!!!!!!

[Tree_Salmon]

She may want to blame him, he wants to blame her.

 

No, I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't care. In fact, i don't think this guy ever cared from what i know of this situation.

This guy gives more thought to the dump hes going to take rather than how he hurts this girl.

 

Yet he has more power on these threads than he will ever know.

[KatZee]

Wait it out? No, but shes still young. She's supposed to magically get over it? You and I may have been able to move forward, but we did so in our own time. Everyone gets over their **** in their own speed.

 

Yes and no.

 

With my first love, I did exactly what she's doing. Nothing. I continued contact. Continued sleeping with him. Constantly dwelled on the situation asking, what if, why, if only! I didn't push myself at all. I made excuses for myself. I absolutely RUINED my entire college experience.

 

I spent SIX YEARS living in limbo, merely existing, grasping at crumbs, contacting, engaging.

 

Nothing ever "magically" happens. You have to make the conscious decision to MOVE ON and commit to that decision. It's effort every single day. It's a full time job. It's HARD WORK. But nothing great is going to come easy.

 

YnL seems to think that "moving on" is just going to fall into her lap without doing anything.

 

With my most previous ex I was determined not to spend another 6 years being miserable. He dumped me and that was the last time he ever saw me or spoke to me. That was it. Done. Complete NC from day 1. I was introverted too. I loved being alone. That didn't matter though, I knew being alone would make my mind wander, so I forced myself out. And not just once a week, I forced myself to reach out to all my old friends, forced myself to go out several times a week and for the whole weekend. Even when I didn't feel up to going out, I forced it.

 

I was over my ex in 6 months. I completely reinvented myself. I'm no longer that introverted girl. You will never catch me sitting home. These days my schedule is so packed I often accidentally plan two things on the exact same day.

 

There was no, "you'll get over it when you're ready." I made the decision to get over it NOW. This second. Immediately.

 

If YnL wanted to truly move on, I don't think anything would stop her. Instead her insecurity and her lack of self worth keeps her pining for a guy who doesn't even respect her. She wants a complete POS to want her and beg for her back. It's hard for me to even comprehend this way of thinking because if this were me, the guy would be so iced out of my life and thrown into exile it wouldn't even be funny. I don't tolerate or put up with such mistreatment or disrespect and my mind can't wrap around how people WOULD accept this.

[bdizzle]

Yes and no.

 

With my first love, I did exactly what she's doing. Nothing. I continued contact. Continued sleeping with him. Constantly dwelled on the situation asking, what if, why, if only! I didn't push myself at all. I made excuses for myself. I absolutely RUINED my entire college experience.

 

I spent SIX YEARS living in limbo, merely existing, grasping at crumbs, contacting, engaging.

 

Nothing ever "magically" happens. You have to make the conscious decision to MOVE ON and commit to that decision. It's effort every single day. It's a full time job. It's HARD WORK. But nothing great is going to come easy.

 

YnL seems to think that "moving on" is just going to fall into her lap without doing anything.

 

With my most previous ex I was determined not to spend another 6 years being miserable. He dumped me and that was the last time he ever saw me or spoke to me. That was it. Done. Complete NC from day 1. I was introverted too. I loved being alone. That didn't matter though, I knew being alone would make my mind wander, so I forced myself out. And not just once a week, I forced myself to reach out to all my old friends, forced myself to go out several times a week and for the whole weekend. Even when I didn't feel up to going out, I forced it.

 

I was over my ex in 6 months. I completely reinvented myself. I'm no longer that introverted girl. You will never catch me sitting home. These days my schedule is so packed I often accidentally plan two things on the exact same day.

 

There was no, "you'll get over it when you're ready." I made the decision to get over it NOW. This second. Immediately.

 

If YnL wanted to truly move on, I don't think anything would stop her. Instead her insecurity and her lack of self worth keeps her pining for a guy who doesn't even respect her. She wants a complete POS to want her and beg for her back. It's hard for me to even comprehend this way of thinking because if this were me, the guy would be so iced out of my life and thrown into exile it wouldn't even be funny. I don't tolerate or put up with such mistreatment or disrespect and my mind can't wrap around how people WOULD accept this.

 

And she's not to that point yet.

Perhaps I misstated when saying "when ready." Ya it takes some work and just doesn't "fall in lap." However, when she has had enough of the feelings shes putting herself through (ie: when ready) she'll do what she has to/want to to change that. Absolutely will not be easy and frankly one of the hardest things a person has to go through.

 

As with your last ex, you went NC day 1 because of what you had previously gone through with the ex before that. You made the choice to "get over it NOW. This second. Immediately." This was not the case the first go round. It took hitting rock bottom (as it sounds) to realize what you won't do the next time **** goes down. Its a learning experience each time and every time after that you find what you will/wont go through. She hasn't reached that point. Keep ripping the scab and it never heals. She wants to rip it, okay, she's going to keep doing so until she finally decides she wants it to heal.

Edited May 15, 2013 by bdizzle

[Tree_Salmon]

And she's not to that point yet.

Perhaps I misstated when saying "when ready." Ya it takes some work and just doesn't "fall in lap." However, when she has had enough of the feelings shes putting herself through (ie: when ready) she'll do what she has to/want to to change that. Absolutely will not be easy and frankly one of the hardest things a person has to go through.

 

As with your last ex, you went NC day 1 because of what you had previously gone through with the ex before that. It took hitting rock bottom (as it sounds) to realize what you won't do the next time **** goes down. Its a learning experience each time and every time after that you find what you will/wont go through. She hasn't reached that point. Keep ripping the scab and it never heals. She wants to rip it, okay, she's going to keep doing so until she finally decides she wants it to heal.

 

Again, I think you're projecting your own ability to deal and heal onto her. She's not you.

 

I know what you're saying but after almost 2 years of watching this pattern i'm convinced this isn't going to happen. Something more drastic needs to take place.

 

Also, for Katzee, hitting rock bottom was wasting years and feeling like sh*t. For you it might have been similar. For younglove it could be something physical or catastrophic. I think before rock bottom is hit things need to happen. Peoples lives get ruined irreversibly during some rock bottoms.

 

I mean,why come to LS if you're going to go through the motions and get fu**ed over anyway?

 

Maybe her rock bottom will be getting drunk and randomly sleeping with someone. then what?

 

If my supplying of tough love results in someone not getting pregnant randomly by some stranger and ruining their lives then I've helped somehow.

[KatZee]

And she's not to that point yet.

Perhaps I misstated when saying "when ready." Ya it takes some work and just doesn't "fall in lap." However, when she has had enough of the feelings shes putting herself through (ie: when ready) she'll do what she has to/want to to change that. Absolutely will not be easy and frankly one of the hardest things a person has to go through.

 

As with your last ex, you went NC day 1 because of what you had previously gone through with the ex before that. You made the choice to "get over it NOW. This second. Immediately." This was not the case the first go round. It took hitting rock bottom (as it sounds) to realize what you won't do the next time **** goes down. Its a learning experience each time and every time after that you find what you will/wont go through. She hasn't reached that point. Keep ripping the scab and it never heals. She wants to rip it, okay, she's going to keep doing so until she finally decides she wants it to heal. When this finally is over and done with, her next ex she can do the "get over it NOW" should she so chose to.

 

Ok but this is NEVER going to happen bc she doesn't commit to NC. Ever. And this guy doesn't care about her to want her to move on. He WILL contact her again, that is an absolute certainty. And when he does, she will go running. This is also an absolutely certainty.

 

Se doesn't see him for what he really is. Sure her rational brain days all the right things; he's a user, he's no good, he never invited me anywhere, never got me a birthday present, etc etc etc...but the second he so much as farts in her general direction, it turns into..."did you just say you loved me!?"

 

It's so delusional and this is exactly why I think she would benefit from counseling. I agree she will continue falling into similar patterns. She will continue seeking out those who abuse her, neglect her, use her. If not this guy, it will absolutely be someone else. She needs to learn how to cope, she needs to learn self love, she needs to understand what a healthy and loving relationship is. And I think she needs a kick in the a.ss at this point. I don't think she needs anymore coddling or being told, "it's ok that you've set back again." Or "you'll move on when you're ready."

 

At this rate and watching her threads for over a year, this is her cycle. The next thread you're going to see will be "OMG my ex called me!" At this rate there will never be a day where she just "gets it." None of us here can reach her she can't even reach herself. Professional intervention I believe is the only thing that may get her out of this.

[bdizzle]

If my supplying of tough love results in someone not getting pregnant randomly by some stranger and ruining their lives then I've helped somehow.

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

Now, you're first sentence...maybe you are right, I am projecting my healing to her. Aren't we all doing a little bit of that though? "Seek counseling...it worked for me!" "Go NC, it worked for me!" "Let it go and move on...worked for me!" is in a nutshell what everyone here has been saying thread after thread.

 

What works for you and I or Katzee or whoever else, will/won't work for others. We made the choice of when we chose to let go and to remedy our individual situations. All I'm saying is she hasn't reached that pinnacle yet, or at least tells herself she has but doesn't follow through with it...as she truly hasn't found in herself to do so. No amount of badgering from any of us, or counseling, or friends in her corner can do that for her. When she's had enough of her feelings, she will do what she needs to.

[KatZee]

Until she gets to the root of these issues I believe she will carry this toxic behavior to the next person though.

[Tree_Salmon]

Couldn't agree more.

 

Now, you're first sentence...maybe you are right, I am projecting my healing to her. Aren't we all doing a little bit of that though? "Seek counseling...it worked for me!" "Go NC, it worked for me!" "Let it go and move on...worked for me!" is in a nutshell what everyone here has been saying thread after thread.

 

What works for you and I or Katzee or whoever else, will/won't work for others. We made the choice of when we chose to let go and to remedy our individual situations. All I'm saying is she hasn't reached that pinnacle yet, or at least tells herself she has but doesn't follow through with it...as she truly hasn't found in herself to do so. No amount of badgering from any of us, or counseling, or friends in her corner can do that for her. When she's had enough of her feelings, she will do what she needs to.

 

Whatever, lets all agree that Nutella is awesome and we should bathe in it.

Mostly because it is.

[bdizzle]

Whatever, lets all agree that Nutella is awesome and we should bathe in it.

Mostly because it is.

 

Never had it. Heard nothing but good things though.

[Tree_Salmon]

Never had it. Heard nothing but good things though.

 

You'll realize your whole life was rock bottom without it.

see? see how i did that there?

[youngnlove89]

WOAH, I can hardly keep up with my own thread. I want to reply to every post, but I'm at work now so I can't.

 

Everyone is right in their own way. I really appreciate the tough love and I take constructive criticism well. Everyone has a good reason to feel the way they feel.

 

First, I can't afford therapy, at nearly $200 per session, can't afford it. Sorry. That is why I joined a gym instead. The therapist would just tell me what you all are telling me already. Same thing my friends and family are telling me too. Why pay to hear it from someone else also? I know what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

 

I'm kind of frustrated right now. I don't even know where to began. I wish I could give you all a preview of my feelings, but you will never understand.

 

Katzee, it took you SIX years to learn your lesson. You see myself in you and that is why you hate it. I'm sure people told you the same thing they are telling me when you went through it. But you had to go through it your own way.

 

I guess maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing on here? Maybe I am looking for friends and advice, but you all expect me to just magically heal and move on. It's not that easy. I'm not expecting a belly rub or a pity party, to be honest, I don't know what I'm expecting anymore.

 

I'll get back to this later...

[bdizzle]

You'll realize your whole life was rock bottom without it.

see? see how i did that there?

 

Well played sir, well played. A tip of the cap to you!

[youngnlove89]

Nutella is a Hazelnut Chocolate Spread of Italian origin that tastes reminiscent of an orgy of angels and horny devils. It's like a chocolate Jesus came in your mouth and not at all like what you and your uncle Rico did that he made you promise not to tell grandma when she fell off her 4-wheeler.

To describe in guy terms, basically the culinary equivalent of a getting blowjob while driving your Ferrari to Disneyland.

 

I got that somewhere from some site. But it's true!

 

Anyways, if any guy showed up at my door with Nutella, I'd lick him head to toe and then....well you don't want to know.

[Treasa]

Nutella is a Hazelnut Chocolate Spread of Italian origin that tastes reminiscent of an orgy of angels and horny devils. It's like a chocolate Jesus came in your mouth and not at all like what you and your uncle Rico did that he made you promise not to tell grandma when she fell off her 4-wheeler.