Robert Z Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Another funny one: "He [Jesus] kept saying, 'I am the man.'" (John 9:9 ESV) He da MAN! Hahaha!!! I can see the billboards now... Jesus - He da man! I always felt a particular sympathy for Joseph when Mary came up pregnant. Okay, you never slept with anyone and GOD did it. Hmmmmm, suuuuuure, I can believe that... [i think I'll see what the folks at Love Shack have to say about this] I think my ex tried that line on me once... Edited May 15, 2013 by Robert Z 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Cracked ran a great article a while back on "badass" bible verses. The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses | Cracked.com 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 Cracked ran a great article a while back on "badass" bible verses. The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses | Cracked.com I love #8. The children were heckling Elisha to "go up" into the sky the same way Elijah did when a chariot took him away. It's interesting that the SAME response is observed by adults any time wild topics like this are brought up on the news: laughter and heckling. Additionally, if you notice several verses earlier, Elijah was evidently trying to keep his imminent departure secretive. How do we know this? He twice told the people around him to "keep quiet" when they asked him about his departure in the chariots. This suggests an air of secrecy exactly like the UFO subject today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 I love #8. The children were heckling Elisha to "go up" into the sky the same way Elijah did when a chariot took him away. It's interesting that the SAME response is observed by adults any time wild topics like this are brought up on the news: laughter and heckling. I like #4. That story just goes to show that the more things change the more they stay the same. Even in Biblical times, follically challenged older men were enduring "baldy" insults from young upstarts - and summoning bears to maul them for their insolence seems like a reasonable and effective way to maintain a bit of order. I also like the one about cutting off the hand of a woman who intervenes in a fight (between her husband and another man) by grabbing her husband's opponent by the nuts. Again, the more things change etc...even back then, long before feminism, women were putting our tuppenceworth in, to everybody else's annoyance and occasional pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Cracked ran a great article a while back on "badass" bible verses. The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses | Cracked.com Seriously funny.. I can't choose between Elisha and Samson... The commentary was brill! Got to show this to my favourite brother .. Take care, Eve x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 Elijah is prophecied to come again. I can't wait. (John the Bapist came "in the spirit of Elijah". He was not the actual Elijah. I think one of the reasons why Elijah was taken in the chariot was because he will return as the exact person, without having died even 3000 years later.) Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Seriously funny.. I can't choose between Elisha and Samson... The commentary was brill! Got to show this to my favourite brother .. Take care, Eve x Ehud is a good one too. "I have a message from God" - STAB! Okay, it does portray God as a bit of a mobster, but maybe he needs a bit of that don appeal in order to garner more respect. God wants to talk to you... is all very nice, but God wants to talk to you creates that "yikes" factor that goes a long way in encouraging a bit of respect for the commandments. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 Ehud is a good one too. "I have a message from God" - STAB! Okay, it does portray God as a bit of a mobster, but maybe he needs a bit of that don appeal in order to garner more respect. God wants to talk to you... is all very nice, but God wants to talk to you creates that "yikes" factor that goes a long way in encouraging a bit of respect for the commandments. Yea, Christians think that just because they are saved and "said a prayer and went to the alter" that they can continue to sin, live exactly as they did before, have the same desires, and that the Law is some obsolete and oppressive requirement. All this is far from the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Ehud is a good one too. "I have a message from God" - STAB! Okay, it does portray God as a bit of a mobster, but maybe he needs a bit of that don appeal in order to garner more respect. God wants to talk to you... is all very nice, but God wants to talk to you creates that "yikes" factor that goes a long way in encouraging a bit of respect for the commandments. LOL, I don't even know what to say... still laughing! Jesus didn't mince His words either but in the OT, God, being God the Father simply didn't mess about. He gave Lot and quite a few others loads of space to make mistakes right up to their last breath. They did some pretty dumb things too. These seemed to have taken time to share their hearts previously - but if a person was really taking the piss - He simply moved them out the way. Hardcore. Some of the Kings who wanted to have a war or three really did run up their mouths pretty badly though and seemed pretty dodgy. I would have been more cautious personally but that's me. Take care, Eve x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 LOL, I don't even know what to say... still laughing! Jesus didn't mince His words either but in the OT, God, being God the Father simply didn't mess about. He gave Lot and quite a few others loads of space to make mistakes right up to their last breath. They did some pretty dumb things too. These seemed to have taken time to share their hearts previously - but if a person was really taking the piss - He simply moved them out the way. Hardcore. Some of the Kings who wanted to have a war or three really did run up their mouths pretty badly though and seemed pretty dodgy. I would have been more cautious personally but that's me. Take care, Eve x Yea, Christians think that just because they are saved and "said a prayer and went to the alter" that they can continue to sin, live exactly as they did before, have the same desires, and that the Law is some obsolete and oppressive requirement. All this is far from the truth. God certainly didn't suffer much nonsense. I'm still laughing about the way the article examines the story of Korah. At some point, a troublemaker named Korah and 250 supporters banded together and aired a series of complaints about the fact that they were wandering aimlessly in the desert. God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate. Reminds me of a certain judge I know. I had to look up the Korah story on wiki (my theological knowledge is sketchy at best, and to be honest that Cracked article is an education for me). At the time of Korah's engulfment, the earth became like a funnel, and everything that belonged to him, even linen that was at the launderer's and needles that had been borrowed by persons living at a distance from Korah, rolled till it fell into the chasm That must have been quite a day. "Korah, his followers and all his belongings are about to be swallowed by the earth. Take care that no needles his further flung friends have borrowed stab you in the eye as they're flying through the air to join him in being swallowed by the earth." Wiki also mentions, as an aside (regarding God's treatment of Korah) God then smote 14,700 men with plague, as punishment for objecting to Korah's destruction. He was on a roll that day. I think we should ask God to moderate the dating section. No more Nice Guys threads. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Reminds me of a certain judge I know. I think we should ask God to moderate the dating section. No more Nice Guys threads. I watch a lot of crime programmes and do enjoy the summaries of cases by Judges. I don't know how the person remains standing sometimes. I love the way the Judge gets to the core of the intent and basically tells the person about themselves - but in a perfectly executed fashion. It's great! Judgment is a different layer altogether. The finality of it has bothered me greatly in the past. Not so much now. The culling process, seemingly by association within the Bible is interesting though. Typically we see ourselves as individuals even when in a group. Doesn't seem like that is absolutely the case with God. You are either with Him or not. Although I wouldn't mind God getting involved in the dating section, I think that one is for us to handle. That level of judgment by association by God would take out too many men (and one or two women ) and the planet would probably tilt or something. He needs to make a formal appearance for such issues methinks. .. But the link you found is GREAT. Seriously funny! Thanks for the laugh! Take care, Eve x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 God certainly didn't suffer much nonsense. I'm still laughing about the way the article examines the story of Korah. Reminds me of a certain judge I know. I had to look up the Korah story on wiki (my theological knowledge is sketchy at best, and to be honest that Cracked article is an education for me). That must have been quite a day. "Korah, his followers and all his belongings are about to be swallowed by the earth. Take care that no needles his further flung friends have borrowed stab you in the eye as they're flying through the air to join him in being swallowed by the earth." Wiki also mentions, as an aside (regarding God's treatment of Korah) He was on a roll that day. I think we should ask God to moderate the dating section. No more Nice Guys threads. This is too funny! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I watch a lot of crime programmes and do enjoy the summaries of cases by Judges. I don't know how the person remains standing sometimes. I love the way the Judge gets to the core of the intent and basically tells the person about themselves - but in a perfectly executed fashion. It's great! Judgment is a different layer altogether. The finality of it has bothered me greatly in the past. Not so much now. The culling process, seemingly by association within the Bible is interesting though. Typically we see ourselves as individuals even when in a group. Doesn't seem like that is absolutely the case with God. You are either with Him or not. Although I wouldn't mind God getting involved in the dating section, I think that one is for us to handle. That level of judgment by association by God would take out too many men (and one or two women ) and the planet would probably tilt or something. He needs to make a formal appearance for such issues methinks. .. But the link you found is GREAT. Seriously funny! Thanks for the laugh! Take care, Eve x You two are toooo funny today/ tonight...man did I need to laugh! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Although I wouldn't mind God getting involved in the dating section, I think that one is for us to handle. That level of judgment by association by God would take out too many men (and one or two women ) and the planet would probably tilt or something. He needs to make a formal appearance for such issues methinks. Take care, Eve x Two things come to mind: It was the woman who got us all thrown out of Eden. And your name is Eve. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 That is evidence God has a sense of humor? I think the pladdapuss is all the evidence we need of God's sense of humor! Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I think the pladdapuss is all the evidence we need of God's sense of humor! Hey, he had some left over parts and had to do something with them! Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 Somewhat related to God having a sense of humor... In Genesis when it says God "created", evidently the original word in Hebrew has somewhat of a dual meaning. It can either mean "to create" in the sense of making something (like we typically translate it), or it can mean "to play" in the sense of a child playing lightly and happily with a toy (and in the process trying to make something). The commentary I read said that it's best to translate dual meaning words like this as BOTH. This adds a new element to the creation account. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) Two things come to mind: It was the woman who got us all thrown out of Eden. And your name is Eve. Got a joke for you.. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman." Take care, Eve x Edited May 17, 2013 by Eve Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Haha, the Bible according to Gloria Steinem! Did you know the Vatican is in possession of two other books of Genesis? One is a very large book, about 2 feet square, and contains over 4000 pages covered with very small text. The other is a small pocket-sized book with large print covering the scant 30 pages that make the book. The second book is a written history of every word Adam ever spoke. The first is a written history of every word Eve ever spoke. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 And while we're at it. Three atheists were in a sinking boat. They were far out at sea with no hope of rescue. At the last moment they decided to pray. But we don't know how to pray, said the one atheist. We are atheists after all! But another jumped up and proudly declared "I know how to pray! I used to live next to a Catholic Church and I could hear them praying on Wednesday evenings". "Great" said the other two, "please start and we'll try to join in". "Okay" said the first. "Here we go. B2, I 63..." Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) Haha, the Bible according to Gloria Steinem! Did you know the Vatican is in possession of two other books of Genesis? One is a very large book, about 2 feet square, and contains over 4000 pages covered with very small text. The other is a small pocket-sized book with large print covering the scant 30 pages that make the book. The second book is a written history of every word Adam ever spoke. The first is a written history of every word Eve ever spoke. The Vatican is in possession of more information than people realize. They even have an entire scientific research program in various subjects. One of these subjects is UFOs/ETs. They own one of the most powerful super telescopes in the world located on Mount Graham. The name of the telescope is called LUCIFER (no joke). What I find strange about the Vatican is that for 1900 years they excommunicated and killed anyone who suggested that life exists outside earth. Now all of a sudden they are embracing the idea and even went so far as to declare in 2009 that any ETs would be fellow brothers and they could be baptized. Makes you wonder WHAT they recently discovered to warrant such a claim--especially since it represents a 180 degree change in stance. Edited May 17, 2013 by M30USA 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 They watched the movie Signs and know what water does to aliens? If you baptize them you burn their little heads off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I just can't believe they would call it Lucifer, lol. Well no, I can. It's just so blatant. Take care, Eve x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) I just can't believe they would call it Lucifer, lol. Well no, I can. It's just so blatant. Take care, Eve x I thought it was a joke. But I researched it from numerous sources and it's true. LUCIFER is an acronym for: Large Binocular Telescope Near-infrared Utility with Camera and Integral Field Unit for Extragalactic Research. Edited May 17, 2013 by M30USA 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I thought it was a joke. But I researched it from numerous sources and it's true. Yeah, I saw it on the Sid Roth show and posted the link previously. They could have called it something a bit nicer though, lol. Take care, Eve x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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