Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Is it easy for a girl like me in her mid 20's, to find men who like and respect me, yet are comfortable with having casual relations? Or do only jerks like casual sex? Furthermore: I am not ready right this second for it, as I am just moving on from a guy I loved a great deal. I am thinking by late June, when I am visiting Berlin, Scandinavia and Russia, that I would be very happy if there was a nice guy on the tour who really likes being around me. Who also wants casual fun with me. I want to soon move on and enjoy life, which to me, is experiencing my sexuality with men. I love the excitement of being around a man who really enjoys me company, and vice versa. I love the thrill of hanging out together and going out at night today, knowing that you will get intimate and get to experience the joy of... hooking up, haha. The thing is, I looking for a very specific type of thing with men: CASUAL fun, with a man who really likes me as a person and thinks highly of me, and who I also enjoy hanging around. Do you understand what I am seeking in the near future? After a serious break up yes, I am looking forward to moving on and having fun, and then eventually finding the right person for me one day. Although, I am really averse to moving onto another serious relationship and I will cut contact if the guy or I start to like one another a little too much. I really just want a balance; two people who really like each other and are into each other, without deep emotional feelings. You know? It is rather grotesque to let a guy into your pants, if they think your an idiot and do not even enjoy your company. Any advice and experience any one can share about how easy it should be to find a decent guy who likes me, but just wants to enjoy casual fun in the manner in which I am seeking? I am 120 lbs almost, curvy body type, average looking yet have my fans. I am at college. I have a unique fashion sense and love life in general and am a very positive person. Would it be easier for me to find a guy who LIKES me to have some casual fun with? Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 It's possible, but you strike me as someone that would get attached. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
apple OR orange Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 guys who do casual sex and move around are jerks as well, those who are "better" (didnt want to use the word nice as women dont like it), will want to stay with you.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 No I won't. I am not an idiot. I want a person who is attracted to me, wants to do bad things to me in bed, and who likes me as a person. Is that that hard to find at my age? I still love Andrew anyway. I am not able to become attached to a new person. I will enjoy the thrill off hanging out with a guy who is into me, but my heart will still be with Andrew a little too much, for me to fall for someone else. I have enjoyed casual hook ups before with no issue, in my past. I only got messed up once over a casual hook up, which was when; I had an eating disorder, I did not have much of a personality cos I only thought about my weight, and then I was upset that the guy did not want to do more than have sex with me. Since I had no hobbies, interest, of personality, he did not have anything he COULD enjoy talking about with me, so we just had sex twice. That was just before meeting Andrew. I will be fine and will not get attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 grr I Just want to be two mature adults who are attracted to each other and who also like and respect each other, who can offer each other benefits too. I do not want a guy who dislikes me. I do not want a guy who falls for me either, or who I fall for. I want something in between. Just two adults enjoying each others company, who both think highly of each other, and who want to have some fun and nothing serious. I know exactly what I want and I would rather be without sex than settle for a guy who is not into me, or a guy who wants a fully fledged relationship with me. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 So you want a friends with benefits. Considering you're a decent looking young women that's not exactly going to be difficult for you to find. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 So you want a friends with benefits. Considering you're a decent looking young women that's not exactly going to be difficult for you to find. Thanks:) Yes, I just realised I want friends with benefits. I really enjoyed that before Andrew and before I came on love shack, before I got messed in my eating disorder. There just has to be chemistry and attraction there too, lol. And I am not every ones cup of tea look wise, but fortunately there are always some guys who find me attractive, I have found. I do realise that I should aim to enjoy the overseas trip without any expectations though, as there may be no guys who find me very attractive or who want to have casual fun with me. It is more of a bonus, than something I am going to actually hold out hopes for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 By the way, I am totally not ready to be intimate with other men yet. I am just hoping by late June, after NC with Andrew, I will be ready to at least have a friend with benefits during the trip, as it will make going out and drinking a little more fun. If not I will still have a great trip, even If no guys on my tour are interested. Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 You'll have no problem finding a decent guy to have casual sex with. That's what men are evolved for! Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 If I wanted to, I would find one. Men are wired for it despite what they say or do, it wouldn't be a problem for any of them. I am more concerned about you and your mentality behind this. Admittedly, when I was in my mid twenties, I got a lot of things out of my system like we all do in that wild time and I certainly count that as past behavior on my part. It's not safe from a physical or mental health standpoint, and life is less dramatic without this added factor. You sound like you're on the rebound from someone. Nothing wrong with a little rebound activity, but recognize it for what it is : rebound. It's probably not going to last long and you're going to get burned again if you're not careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 If I wanted to, I would find one. Men are wired for it despite what they say or do, it wouldn't be a problem for any of them. I am more concerned about you and your mentality behind this. Admittedly, when I was in my mid twenties, I got a lot of things out of my system like we all do in that wild time and I certainly count that as past behavior on my part. It's not safe from a physical or mental health standpoint, and life is less dramatic without this added factor. You sound like you're on the rebound from someone. Nothing wrong with a little rebound activity, but recognize it for what it is : rebound. It's probably not going to last long and you're going to get burned again if you're not careful. I don't want a rebound. I am still very in love with my ex. I do not want a new guy to try to take his place. That will only serve to upset me. I just really enjoy fooling around with a guy who is really attracted to me physically and who also likes me on a personal level. I do not WANT to invest myself in another guy and want them to call me and wait for their calls anxiously. I will still be in love with Andrew while I am doing this, it is only the physical release and fun I am after. I DO NOT want to replace Andrew. I have friends to talk to on a deep level and also my mum. I just want casual fun with a guy who likes me and is into me sexually. Nothing more and nothing less. If I cannot find what I am looking for in that regard, I am more than happy to masturbate if I cannot find a suitable guy who is on the same page as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 do only jerks like casual sex? That would be my assessment. People of high moral character and integrity would not participate in casual sex. Of course I'll have 10 "people of moral character and integrity" screaming at me how wrong I am, how they're such awesome people and still believe in casual sex and that I'm nothing but a closed-minded judgmental prude. Doesn't matter what they say. They are in denial about who they really are. I guess what I don't understand is -- why do you care whether your casual sex buddy is a "jerk" or not? To some extent but ... if it's not your life partner, why does it matter to you. And if it matters so much, maybe you don't really want casual sex after all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 I am not saying your a prude. I am a decent person, I am very friendly and generous to all people I come across, and I would NEVER get involved with a person who I knew had a partner. I would never cheat. I would never string a guy along. Still, I enjoy fooling around with men. I won't be able to have full blown sex, and after Andrew, I have learnt that I am the type of person who can only have sex with a person I love or am falling in love with, and am in a meaningful relationship with. I do really want to still be sexual with people and kiss and touch. This is an important part of life - being sexual. I won't be ready or wanting a new serious relationship for a year or more, and there is no way in hell I want to miss out on getting touched and feeling sexual pleasure for more than a year or so. Life is too short. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 That would be my assessment. People of high moral character and integrity would not participate in casual sex. Of course I'll have 10 "people of moral character and integrity" screaming at me how wrong I am, how they're such awesome people and still believe in casual sex and that I'm nothing but a closed-minded judgmental prude. Doesn't matter what they say. They are in denial about who they really are. I guess what I don't understand is -- why do you care whether your casual sex buddy is a "jerk" or not? To some extent but ... if it's not your life partner, why does it matter to you. And if it matters so much, maybe you don't really want casual sex after all. Generally, women that have casual sex are not relationship material. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 I just want to touch and fool around. I have learnt that I do not enjoy sex unless it is in a relationship anyway. I have learnt through trial and error or course. After being in a long term relationship, having sex casually, and not with Andrew or a person that I am in love with, will only make me feel like crap. On the other hand, I am more liberal with touching and kissing. I have slept with two guys in 5 or 6 years. I do not cheat and although I have personal issues I need to work on, I am very good to my bfs and do anything for them. I am half decent looking and am at college and have my life mapped out enough. I do not see why I am not relationship material, and I am going to enjoy casual hook ups on occasion. I won't be going out every month and getting casual fun from men. Just the occasional kiss and touch and maybe them giving me oral sex. To be totally honest. What is the big deal with wanting to orgasm with a guy without sex? I do not really want to wait until I meet the right guy, to enjoy casual fooling around:( It would be YEARS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Share Posted May 15, 2013 It is important the guy I choose is not a jerk, because a jerk would not respect my boundaries. I need a guy who is happy to be friends, who likes me, and who is up for the idea of helping me orgasm and enjoy myself on the odd occasion. I enjoy masturbating and do not want sex at all. Just a little hooking up once in a while. I need to just find a guy friend who would be keen with that idea. It will be hard - I do not like giving blow jobs unless I love a guy. I just don't want to have to bloody wait YEARS before I enjoy casual kissing and touching again! UGH. I am a SEXUAL person. I do not want to get into a relationship until it is the right guy for me, yet I do not WANT to go without hooking up for say, more than a year or so. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 My advice to you... Yeah, I get it. You want a friend with benefits who likes and respects you as well. Almost like a male friend who pleases you sexually but doesn't try to force you into a relationship. Sure, it's possible. There are all sorts of relationship under the sun. However, if you find a cool guy willing to try out this type of relationship with you, either you or the guy (or both of you) might develop attachment. The risk is certainly there. Don't be naive and think that it won't happen. It's hard to control how your feelings develop for someone when there's a lot intimacy involved. Things could quickly stray from your original plan and you might find yourself making a new thread about your "complicated" relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 grr I Just want to be two mature adults who are attracted to each other and who also like and respect each other, who can offer each other benefits too. I do not want a guy who dislikes me. I do not want a guy who falls for me either, or who I fall for. I want something in between. Just two adults enjoying each others company, who both think highly of each other, and who want to have some fun and nothing serious. I know exactly what I want and I would rather be without sex than settle for a guy who is not into me, or a guy who wants a fully fledged relationship with me. girl, most guys don't really think about women they meet in clubs. I mean, even if you are nice and look to him like decent person, you still intend to go with him and have casual sex... so, even if he's less "liberated", he may still think you're ... you know... easy. If I may, I actually think it's very dangerous to start this type of meetings, in a foreign country, where you're not speaking the language. If anything goes wrong, you're totally totally vulnerable. I don't know about the Scandinavian countries, but Russia / Eastern Europe, men tend to be quite macho. I think, if you want to have a ONS, just do it in an environment that's more or less familiar / safe. It may be that you're thinking ONS, but you will get intimate with strangers, so their opinion shouldn't matter at all. Ideally, they shouldn't even express it!!! Think if you want ONS or if you want a FWB, with a person who sort of knows you, respects you, but is unwilling / unable to get emotionally involved. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) I don't get the whole question about nice guys and respect and blady blady bla... If you want casual sex you want a guy who sex you up, probably and attractive guy who knows what he does when it comes to sex and why would you care if he is nice at all? Therefore it is called casual, you don't need to marry him! Edited May 15, 2013 by therhythm Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Don't be naive and think that it won't happen. It's hard to control how your feelings develop for someone when there's a lot intimacy involved. Things could quickly stray from your original plan and you might find yourself making a new thread about your "complicated" relationship. Precisely. Everyone who considers casual wants something easy and light but reality is very different Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 It is important the guy I choose is not a jerk, because a jerk would not respect my boundaries. I need a guy who is happy to be friends, who likes me, and who is up for the idea of helping me orgasm and enjoy myself on the odd occasion. I enjoy masturbating and do not want sex at all. Just a little hooking up once in a while. I need to just find a guy friend who would be keen with that idea. It will be hard - I do not like giving blow jobs unless I love a guy. I just don't want to have to bloody wait YEARS before I enjoy casual kissing and touching again! UGH. I am a SEXUAL person. I do not want to get into a relationship until it is the right guy for me, yet I do not WANT to go without hooking up for say, more than a year or so. Help! I have a suggestion.... go on OkC and say you are looking for short-term dating/friends/activity partners. Keep it light. Don't share personal details about your life and don't go on and on about your ex. Don't Facebook friend them. Don't introduce them to anyone close to you. Pay your share on outings, and arrange to do fun things... not just go to each other's houses. Make them hang out with you long enough to decide if you like them as a person... in other words, don't have sex with them on the first date unless you are ok not talking to them again. In fact, if I were you, I'd reserve first date sex for guys you find hot, but boring or not relationship material. Of course, if the sex is good, they'll want to call you again, but don't make it anytime soon, and not on their schedule. You make sure it is on your schedule or it doesn't happen. Most men there will talk all relationship-y, but don't buy it. They just say that to get sex. The ones who ARE looking for a relationship will show some discretion on their own, so you don't need to worry about hurting their 'feeewings'... Me personally... I'm not on OkC for dating/sex... but am on there for friends/activity partners. Most of the guys who contact me are looking for casual sex, but won't say so up front. I weed them out, but you don't have to. Just smile and play the game. If you are fun, they won't mind. At all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Leigh, Does this "friend with benefits" have to be on your tour? Couldn't you see if any of your actual male friends might be interested in the position? I'm sure you have a male friend or two who is a decent human being who would be interested in making out, doing some of the lighter sexual stuff, but wouldn't necessarily develop feelings right away. Link to post Share on other sites
HuffmanMontana Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Guys who have self confidence don't respect women who make themselves available for casual hookups. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 All men like casual sex. It's just that not all men can get that type of no strings attached Arrangment so many have to lie Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) I think I have been sexually active for 4 years and have found only one guy who has been capable of this. We still sleep with each other Inbetween relationships and give each other advice. It is hard to find. Finding a guy to sleep with is easy - finding a casual sex partner isn't as easy. It either becomes too much work or feelings get mixed in. Either way I think you overanalyze to much be able to deal with that. Plus you really don't want it to be a friend That never works. Someone you are sexually attracted to and respects you is all you need. I didn't consider my self friends with the guy I mentioned until 6 months in and I lost my virginity to him. Well technically gave it to him Edited May 15, 2013 by SmileFace Link to post Share on other sites
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