Jealous of husband's cousin??

[rhi1108]

My husband's much older cousins have a daughter a few years younger than I am, who still lives at home. She's a very attractive and flirty girl. We've moved down the road from them recently and have been spending a lot of time over there. My husband constantly talks about how beautiful she is and is very overprotective of her. More so than me or our young daughters. They're always taking pictures together and "picking on" each other like I've only ever seen him do with me. She tried her new dress on for us the other night and he said he wanted to put his suit on and take a picture with her, blow it up and frame it for our wall. I feel very left out in conversations and such because I'm rarely even acknowledged. Am I being too sensitive, or does this seem odd to anyone else? I don't want to say anything yet because I don't want to seem silly or insecure. But I am... It's to the point where I'm thinking up excuses not to go over there with him anymore because I am just too uncomfortable. Any advice?

[BeholdtheMan]

or does this seem odd to anyone else? I don't want to say anything yet because I don't want to seem silly or insecure. But I am... It's to the point where I'm thinking up excuses not to go over there with him anymore because I am just too uncomfortable. Any advice?

Here, I'll just say it...it sounds fu**ing weird

 

Either you husband is infatuated with his cousin's daughter (of course he'll never admit it) or he's doting on her excessively. Do you feel sexual tension between then. You might want to go along with it for a bit to observe their interaction. Seems to me your husband has a weak sense of boundaries if he neglects his wife to hang out with an attractive "niece"

[rhi1108]

Here, I'll just say it...it sounds fu**ing weird

 

I'm so glad someone else finds this weird.

I don't really sense any sexual tension, though I might be blocking it out because it is too uncomfortable. But I do feel like he cares more for her than me. Maybe it's silly but, as his wife and the mother of his 3 children, I want to be his number one girl.

 

Oh, did I mention that there isn't even a picture of him and I blown up and framed on our wall...??

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm so glad someone else finds this weird.

I don't really sense any sexual tension, though I might be blocking it out because it is too uncomfortable. But I do feel like he cares more for her than me. Maybe it's silly but, as his wife and the mother of his 3 children, I want to be his number one girl.

 

Oh, did I mention that there isn't even a picture of him and I blown up and framed on our wall...??

Is he pampering her like a surrogate daughter?

 

I would still find that pretty weird because...he has daughters of his own

 

Honestly, this is very weird. It's like if my wife constantly wanted to hang out with her cousin's young handsome stud of a son. On top of that, she wants a blown-up photo of them together in our living room. I dunno what I'd do.

 

Have you thought about just telling your husband that his intense...affection for his cousin's daughter (who's kinda like a niece to him) is making you uncomfortable. Maybe you should let him know that you expect him to focus more of his attention on you and his daughters?

 

Communication is the best way to solve any problem in a relationship, it's just that your situation is really weird. It's hard to be tactful. You might just want to address the issue bluntly.

[BeholdtheMan]

Oh yeah, you mentioned she's flirty...is that relevant to how she behaves around your husband?

[Treasa]

I don't get the feeling that this girl is young enough to be his daughter, as she's only a little younger than his wife, and her parents are his "much older" cousins. So I definitely don't think it's a fatherly kind of doting.

 

Ick. I don't think I could handle this.

[rhi1108]

Oh yeah, you mentioned she's flirty...is that relevant to how she behaves around your husband?

 

Yes. She flirts with every male, including my husband. She likes to flaunt her body as well. Like when she goes tanning, she'll pull up her shirt and show how dark she's getting and weird things like that. She's not so much of a niece though as she is not very much younger than I am...

 

Bottom line is, if it was anyone other than his relative, I'd have said something a long time ago because it is that intense. But it IS his relative, and I don't know how to handle it. Whether or not he's sexually into her, he still makes me feel less important to him than she is. Am I in the wrong for wanting to be more "special" than another female in his family?

[therhythm]

Yes. She flirts with every male, including my husband. She likes to flaunt her body as well. Like when she goes tanning, she'll pull up her shirt and show how dark she's getting and weird things like that. She's not so much of a niece though as she is not very much younger than I am...

 

Bottom line is, if it was anyone other than his relative, I'd have said something a long time ago because it is that intense. But it IS his relative, and I don't know how to handle it. Whether or not he's sexually into her, he still makes me feel less important to him than she is. Am I in the wrong for wanting to be more "special" than another female in his family?

 

Whatever it is his thing with his cousin's daughter, it bothers you and you should tell your husband. You should be able to tell anything to your husband, how will your relationship survive without honest communication?

Just tell him how it makes you feel and let him know that is important for you that he listens to you and make the effort to understand your position.

 

Good luck lady!

[salparadise]

I think it's definitely sexual attraction on the subconscious level, but because they're relatives it's "safe" for him to express a lot of admiration presumably as an adoring father figure. But there's enough separation that the sexual attraction is not switched off as it is in a father/daughter relationship. There's a lot of ego gratification and validation in it for her, and since it's "safe" she appreciates and probably even encourages it. It's an opportunity for her to turn on the charm and practice her newfound ability to send a mature man into overdrive by semi-intentionally (or not) stimulating his autonomic nervous system.

 

The part that's not working right is that his autonomic nervous system is canceling his inhibitions and he's making a damn fool of himself by carrying on this charade in front of everyone––who he assumes are buying into the kinship adoration motive, but actually see right through it.

 

It is really interesting to observe, in such a situation where learned inhibitions are circumnavigated, just how effective the appeal of a nubile young woman can be in activating a man's instinctive drives.

 

OP, I think all you have to do is subtly bring him to the awareness of what's going on and his learned inhibitions and propriety will take over. If not, then be less subtle and knee him in the balls.

Edited May 15, 2013 by salparadise

[rhi1108]

If not, then be less subtle and knee him in the balls.

 

Your whole post was very helpful, thank you!

But this part... Well, I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting there watching them is disbelief thinking about doing exactly this!!

[BeholdtheMan]

Yes. She flirts with every male, including my husband. She likes to flaunt her body as well. Like when she goes tanning, she'll pull up her shirt and show how dark she's getting and weird things like that. She's not so much of a niece though as she is not very much younger than I am...

 

Bottom line is, if it was anyone other than his relative, I'd have said something a long time ago because it is that intense. But it IS his relative, and I don't know how to handle it. Whether or not he's sexually into her, he still makes me feel less important to him than she is. Am I in the wrong for wanting to be more "special" than another female in his family?

This is starting to sound like subconscious incestuous infatuation

 

I mean...I said it before but I'll say it again, this is fu**ing weird. It sounds far from a healthy "fatherly/brotherly" affection. Putting a huge photo of them on your living room wall...WTF?!

 

Let him know that this really bothers you. Just be bluntly honest. See how he responds. If he refuses to change or to be forthcoming, I think you guys need a psychologist/therapist. I don't want to recommend divorce prematurely...but if this thing gets out of hand, divorce might very well enter the picture

[stillafool]

I would have said something to him about this the minute he brought up putting on a suit, taking a pic with her in that dress, and hanging it on our wall. That would have sent me over the top! Yes it's weird and her behavior is inappropriate as well as your husbands. You have every right to feel as you do. What are you going to do about it?

[rhi1108]

What are you going to do about it?

 

I know I need to say something. But I'm not sure what to say, and how to say it tactfully. Maybe I'll wait for something else that bothers me and use it as an example? I'm so lost. And my stomach hurts when I think about it.

[therhythm]

I know I need to say something. But I'm not sure what to say, and how to say it tactfully. Maybe I'll wait for something else that bothers me and use it as an example? I'm so lost. And my stomach hurts when I think about it.

You don't need to be tactful, hell he is being a jerk...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Has it been disclosed for how long the second cousin has been very near to the life of the husband?

 

It would suggest a giant difference if the second cousin had just been rediscovered after she moved back from overseas, vs. if the second cousin has been right around the corner in some way, for all of the time the husband and second cousin have shared this earth.

 

 

The wife's relative age means nothing, unless somehow she is going to resort to blaming the husband for the purely random age of his second cousin.

 

 

If indeed the second cousin is some little hottie, then she likely fuels herself and her ego by just the sort of flirting that the society all around her has conditioned her to do and keep doing.

 

There just isn't enough information in this thread to assure that the husband is behaving inappropriately. (If I wish to dress-up for a photo taken with my second cousin, that second cousin's random or relative age is irrelevant data, just like the age of my siblings isn't relevant, nor is the fact that my girlfriend isn't invited to a Parents-offspring family photo with my mom and dad on Mother's Day.)

 

We need to understand whether the two of them have interacted like nearby family for a long while before we can know any of the answers.

 

 

We also need to understand whether he wanted the photo with his second cousin to go on the wall in the bedroom, above the bed, OR whether he wanted it in the front room, say, on a table. There's a giant difference.

[crederer]

I had a "cousin" come live with us for 3 months. She is from overseas. She technically is my third cousin I think (our grandfathers were cousins).

 

We didn't have any physical contact but there was obviously an emotional connection that was beyond normal family stuff.

 

Since we never met, and it was a distant relative (i.e not a first cousin) it may have been a bit different than your situation. If they grew up together then that is just plain weird.

 

I was weirded out by my connection just because of the idea of it. It was our first time meeting and we were I was 20 at the time. Later, it came out that her father heard of our connection and he supported the idea of us having some sort of relationship, which made me feel weird too.....Europeans, way more open minded about stuff I think.

[salparadise]

Later, it came out that her father heard of our connection and he supported the idea of us having some sort of relationship, which made me feel weird too.....Europeans, way more open minded about stuff I think.

 

Third cousins is probably distant enough. I don't know if there's any definite rule. Several generations back even first cousins were considered fair game. If you go back far enough, we're all related.

[crederer]

Yah I kind of felt that it was okay being third cousins and all, but the idea was still strange to me. I don't really know why. I think it may have had to do with the fact that we referred to each other as "my cousin" when introducing or talking about each other.

[rhi1108]

He hasn't really spent much time with them since he was a teenager. He's 30 now. They're second cousins, her mom is his older cousin. Btw, I mentioned it to him last night and he was totally unaware of how this looked on the outside. I guess we will see what happens this weekend at their (his cousins) grandson's birthday party.

[BeholdtheMan]

He hasn't really spent much time with them since he was a teenager. He's 30 now. They're second cousins, her mom is his older cousin. Btw, I mentioned it to him last night and he was totally unaware of how this looked on the outside. I guess we will see what happens this weekend at their (his cousins) grandson's birthday party.

It would really help if you could get an impartial observer (maybe a good friend of yours) to observe them.

 

It sounds weird to us on the forum but all we have is your description. If an objective third party could see how your husband and his second cousin interact (I honestly think the relationship is more like uncle/niece since she is his cousin's daughter), that person could then give you some perspective. I don't think you're overreacting but there's a slight chance you are. I doubt it, but being able to get some confirmation would be helpful to you.

[2sure]

Exactly how old is she, and how old is your husband? I can't imagine any woman trying on and showing off a dress to company unless it was the prom.

 

He wants to have pictures taken with her?

 

Tell him you are comfortable, you're not an idiot, and now what is his plan to solve this problem? And telling you it doesn't exist is calling you an idiot.

[rhi1108]

Exactly how old is she, and how old is your husband?

 

She's 21, I'm 25, he just turned 30.

[BeholdtheMan]

She's 21, I'm 25, he just turned 30.

LOL yeah...this does sound fishy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

He hasn't really spent much time with them since he was a teenager. He's 30 now. They're second cousins, her mom is his older cousin. Btw, I mentioned it to him last night and he was totally unaware of how this looked on the outside. I guess we will see what happens this weekend at their (his cousins) grandson's birthday party.

 

 

We are not focusing on what this guy has been doing throughout his twenties.

 

You continue to not make it clear just what amount of familiarity (in every sense of the word) your husband has with this NOW-21yo cousin.

 

When he was 9-ish, she was a newborn (and where were they in relation to one another at that point??)... when he was 13-ish, she was 4 (and where were they in relation to one another at that point??)... when he was 17, she was 8, (and where were they in relation to one another at that point??)... when he was 19, she was 10, (and where were they in relation to one another at that point??)

 

Did one live in Alaska, and the other in Atlanta, and they never met until some distant time in their lives, or did they interact often, purely as family, from day one??

 

You simply have not revealed enough information to make it clear that the husband has serious boundary issues.