Guilt over wishing wife would lose 10 lbs

[ktrout]

Here's to hoping someone has some good advice on this.

 

Wee background: my wife and I have been married a little more than a year. We were good friends for 2 1/2 years before we started dating and continue to have a great friendship and relationship. Everything is just about perfect except for one thing that weighs on me heavier than I sometimes dare to admit even to myself:

 

I wish she would lose a little bit of weight.

 

I feel like an absolute pig as a result. I can't lie and say that I'm just as attracted to her heavier as when she was more trim, though. I don't believe I have unrealistic expectations, either. She freely admits she's 20 lbs over her ideal weight but would like to lose at least 10. I'd be perfectly happy with that ... but it never happens and now I think she's about 25 lbs over her ideal weight.

 

No, it's not a huge amount of weight, and I wonder if it's her current weight that I'm worried about or the future weight I fear she might achieve. I feel like a nit-picker for saying anything now, but worry that it'll explode some day when she's back up over 200 lbs again.

 

When she was with her last boyfriend before we started dating she got up over that mark. Then she joined Weight Watchers and lost 40 lbs. It was no coincidence that I took more of an interest in her when in addition to being great friends with her I was feeling attracted to her, and that's around when we started dating. In a year she gained 10 lbs of that back but has been holding around there since.

 

We have talked about this very issue a couple times, although I can't bring myself to tell her about the attractiveness issue. I don't lie: I tell her I really am concerned about her health and want to make sure she is taking care of herself. That is true and she knows it. I just don't add on to it that the 2nd part of that is I worry about my attraction for her.

 

To make things worse, this past Spring we both went to weight watchers together because I had gained 10 or 15 lbs in that time myself. It seemed a great idea and we were both very excited about it for the first week. The trouble then started: I lost 7 lbs and she lost 2. The next week I lost 5 and she 0. Then 3 - 0, 3 - 0, 3 - +2 ... and so on. I lost 25 lbs by the end of it, felt like a teenager again, was feeling and looking very trim and she resented me for it. I think she still harbors resentment about it. We stopped going to Weight Watchers and now the subject of weight loss on any account, whether it be her losing weight, me losing weight or some character on TV losing weight is an absolute mine field.

 

Is it bad for me to feel less attracted to her because of this? I also worry that maybe this is a huge rift between us: as in I'm a far more active person than she is and that we'll drift apart. She's an active person, too, but since the whole Weight Watchers episode I feel like she's being stubbornly inactive.

 

I'm frustrated, depressed and feeling quite guilty about the whole thing. I wish there was some way to settle this issue or perhaps a way for me to "get over it." We're not horribly old: I'm 31 she's 27. It's not like we've got the middle-aged, mid-section sprawl going on that people are prone to in their 40s and 50s. Yes, I know people get old and bodies stop being as nubile as they once were, but not this soon!

 

Do we need therapy or counciling? I was skimming through subjects and saw one about someone irritated about the phrase "get counciling" being overly-used, though. Heh heh ... kinda funny, that.

 

Any constructive and helpful comments welcome.

[Ladyjane14]

Try buying her a membership to a gym, hopefully one that has a good women's program, so she doesn't have to exercise in front of strange men.

 

If she asks why, tell her that since you achieved your weight loss goal with ease, you feel bad that she is having more trouble and wanted to give her this gift. Tell her that you recognise that it's harder for women, since nature has planned that they be better storers of fat in order to support pregnancy.

 

Redivide the work load at home so that she has time in her schedule to utilize that membership. Very important.

 

If you're not already taking an active role in food preparation and purchasing, then do so. Shop with her. Prepare meals with her, so as to get the best nutritional values with less calories and fat. An added bonus is that here in the beginning of your marriage, you can get in the habit of making meal times a social event in your day. And you can both make decisions on special treats together.

 

NEVER tell her that you find her unattractive for ANY reason. A woman wants to believe that her man's love is UNCONDITIONAL. Reassure her often that you love her brain and her personality.

 

NEVER make her feel as if you are asserting CONTROL over her. A controlling man is less attractive than a fat woman.

 

And don't beat yourself up about it. You feel how you feel. Better to address it now than deal with it later when you're bitter and resentful.

 

Good luck !

[CurlyIam]

I cannot think of anything better than communication. The thing is you cannot convince her to loose weight. She must really wanted and be ready to work for it.

 

You can talk to her in order to motivate her, encourage her, but you cannot replace whatever it is that must come from inside her.

 

So start talking to her best friend or your best friend and consider which is the best way to talk to her about it. It's not a tragedythat she's 25lbs over her ideal wheight, your feeling less attracted to her is.

 

 

People do things for eachother, but on this one... I dont know... Talk to one of her best friends which is a good friend of yours too and see what she has to say.

 

Lots of luck,

 

Curly

[tiki]

Become active TOGETHER. Ride bikes, hike on the weekends. Ten pounds should not make or break anything, true love conquers all. Even ten pounds.

[bulldoggirl]

Tiki, you took the words right outta my keyboard!

I was going to say the same thing, try joining a gym together, hiking, biking, skiing, etc! Just do it together & she might not feel like she's on her own!

And unfortunately, it's a simple fact of life that men lose weight faster than women....a fact that drives me (and your wife I'm sure!) nuts!!!

[EC]

Tell her that you recognise that it's harder for women, since nature has planned that they be better storers of fat in order to support pregnancy.

 

I like that! lol Next time someone says something about someones weight I will use that...

[Fayebelle]

Is there a Curves in your area? She may benefit from an all women's gym- so that she does not feel as though she is losing a "competition" w/you - she was upset when you were losing more than her initially. Grocery shop together and take walks or bike at nt. This will become "couple time" as opposed to healthy weight loss time. Keep it fun when it is the two of you together.

[tiki]

Curves is awesome. It's a women-oriented circuit that takes 30 minutes.

 

Go to http://www.curvesinternational.com/ and click on "Is there a curves near you?"

 

I've lost 12 inches thus far...but have only gained weight. I've been going for three months.

[Matilda]

I understand what your wife going through to some extent. I've been in a similar situation. When my husband and I met, I was probably the thinnest I've ever been my whole life. I had just gone through a divorce, was very stressed, and basically wasn't eating. I was 5-10 pounds below my ideal weight. After we married, I was less stressed, and gained 5 pounds, basically back up to where I feel best.

 

My husband is naturally thin and athletic. He definitely prefers thinner women, and broke off an engagement to a girl when she gained about 50lbs. (He says that is not the main reason though.) Anyway, I know my appearance and fitness are important to him. I knew it when we married. And for the record, I like to be healthy and fit too, but when it's someone else who really wants it for you, it is easy to become resentful.

 

After we were married a few years, I became pregnant with twins. I gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy. After I had the babies I still was almost 30 lbs. over my ideal weight. I spent 2 years, completely stressed out, caring for twin babies. I was now a stay at home Mom, when previously I had worked. Basically, I ate what I wanted, didn't have time to exercise, and didn't really care what I looked like, since I didn't really leave the house except to go to WalMart. I knew my husband wasn't thrilled, although he never said anything. But I felt resentful, because I felt he disapproved of me. He never said "It's okay honey, I love you anyway." or anything like that. Plus, I didn't like the way I looked and felt. I will say that during that time, there was never a decrease in his sexual desire or anything like that.

 

Finally, I was out shopping and saw a cute little dress, in a style that would have formally been flattering on me, but at the weight I was then would not look good at all. And that was it, I decided I didn't want to be that weight anymore, basically because I wanted to wear cute clothes. I went to Weight Watchers and lost 30 lbs. That was about 3 years ago. This past winter I gained about 10 lbs, but when spring came I went on the South Beach Diet and lost it. So I have maintained my weight, and intend to keep doing so.

 

There is a part of me that feels that husbands and wives should love each other for they are, not for their physical features. And I think there is still some truth to that. Say, your wife had a mastectomy, or you had to have one of your testicles removed due to testicular cancer, I would hope that the 2 of you would be able to overcome that. Or think about the changes that come with age: wrinkles, graying hair, or no hair. Hopefully you and your wife will still find each other attractive when those things start happening. But, there is no denying that the issues of lifestyle and sex in a marriage are very important. And I think we all need to be realistic and realize, that if we are married to a partner that is not attracted to a heavier person, then if we gain weight, we will be unattractive physically to them.

 

I do think that if a husband prefers a thin wife, that he also needs to be realistic, and realize that a woman's weight will fluctuate. I do think men should be more forgiving for 10 or 20 lbs. And when women are pregnant, and afterwards, you have to expect some weight gain. Also, as people age, they ten to gain weight as metabolisms slow. However, if someone gains 30, 40, 50, or more lbs., they really become a different person. I think women, for the most part, are more forgiving if men gain weight. I really don't think it would bother me too much if my husband gained weight, though I will say I find his fit physique very attractive.

 

It's a touchy situation. I really don't think you should feel bad about wanting your wife to be what you consider attractive. However, I do think you should really think about the other things you love about your wife, that are not physical. I think you are going to have to tread carefully in order not to breed resentment over the issue. She needs to want to lose the weight for herself, not simply because you want her to. But, I know for myself, I have accepted that to be most attractive physically to my husband, I should be thinner. And, most importantly for me, I like to look good, and I want to be attractive to my husband.

 

Also, are you completely sure that it is the her weight/attractiveness that is the issue and not something else. You should really examine your relationship here to make sure you are complaining about the right thing.

 

On <removed> there is a section about this very issue. It helped me to change my thinking about it. You might want to take a look at it.

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502_qa.html

 

Also, my husband and I did the emotional needs questionnaire, which we both found helpful. It actually showed me that physical attractiveness wasn't as important to him as I thought it was.

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

 

Just wanted to add that men naturally lose weight faster than women. Probably not a good idea for the 2 of you to try and lose weight together.

[fredrolin]

My wife weighs over 300 lbs. and your crying about 10 pounds? Trying walking in my shoes.

 

The lowest weight my wife has been since I have known her is 180 lbs.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by fredrolin

My wife weighs over 300 lbs. and your crying about 10 pounds? Trying walking in my shoes.

 

The lowest weight my wife has been since I have known her is 180 lbs.

 

I remember you!! You were the one wanting people to e-mail you pictures of their boobs (on another thread).....

 

Ktrout...

The thing about a man and woman dieting together is that a man is going to lose more weight and lose it faster than a woman. As an earlier poster said about the fat storage and such, a man is more lean anyway so when he starts to lose he losing more at a quicker pace. That's why women shouldn't base weight loss on pounds as much as inches. Hence, exercise is as important as watching what you eat. As you bring more muscle in the picture, the less fat is in the picture, when I want to drop some weight, I don't weigh for a month!!! It's too discouraging other wise. Your jeans may be getting baggy but your weight can be the same or even more from week to week as you diet. Eventually it will show in the scales BUT it's always more so in inches....

 

I don't know a good way to bring this up other than being honest just be gentle.....and do everything in this world to support her, don't carry her places or bring her fattening foods or bring fattening foods in the house.....

 

She needs this for her health more than your being attractive to her. I hope that if she loses, she does it for herself......a woman can live without a man but she can't live without a healthy heart!

[Mrs. Moose]

Originally posted by tikibrandy

Become active TOGETHER. Ride bikes, hike on the weekends. Ten pounds should not make or break anything, true love conquers all. Even ten pounds.

 

That's a good idea, I'm still waiting on a bike built for two so we can go together! ( I'll not pedal when he's looking forward)

[Haunani]

Krout, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Unfortunately, the only person that can make the change is your wife. When she's HAD enough, and she's tired of seeing herself that way, she will do it. If you prod her, she will rebel further, and just to *get back*, she will eat more. Trust me, she already feels bad, and knows she doesn't look the same as before, inside it's already hurting her, and sometimes we need to hit low before we pick ourselves up.

 

When I met my husband, he is a natural marathoner, so he's slim and tall. I was 135, but that was a stuggle to stay there, I ballooned to over 200 lbs within our 23 years together, he had not said one word, but I felt it, I hated myself for looking this way. All my *diets* were failed attempts and he knew it. All the equipment I bought went to naught and I used them to hang clothes on instead. After I hit a high time of 225 lbs at only 5'0", I was sick of myself, and when I went to a family funeral that I hadn't seen my brother in 4 years, he made awful comments of how humongous I was, how much older the weight put on me, and he was pretty downright, straight in my face. So I made the attempt and never said a word to anyone, - what if I failed yet again. Now 2 years later back down to my 135 lbs. not only am I happy, but my husband has been double that. I think it was because he never said anything that I wanted to prove that I could do it. But I had to bottom out, I didn't think I was THAT bad, until someone else told me straight to my face.

 

But secretely, I think my H did help me, he bought multi-vitamins we could both use, he went to the Open market and bought home veggies, and seafood, and would offer to cook sometimes. Or if *someone* was selling cookbooks (ie: low fat) for fundraising he'd always buy one, (but he bought other stuff too from the kids), never brought home junk food, and we took walks at night. He even bought an elliptical machine and the family started using it, and eventually, when noone was looking, I began slowly getting on there too. Then I started getting up a little earlier so I could walk with my dog, and I never mentioned my weight loss, it just took hold, but then now I was the one who wanted it. And he praised me along the way - not overly, and he never reprimanded me when he saw me eating something I shouldn't have.

 

In a nutshell, if you feel uncomfortable talking with her, write her a loving letter, let her know that you will support her through the journey and let her know that no matter what - you love her unconditionally. Try to make light of it even though her weight is a major issue for you, it is not for her, and you need to find the medium or you will begin to resent her for not doing it YOUR way.

 

In the end, it is up to her, she is the ONLY one that can do it if she wants to, it's a mindset, numbers game. Continue to love and support her. I feel for you, for me it was a very touchy subject., but with a loving heart, you can get past it.

[katie79]

Join a gym together! This way, you both stay fit. Both of you eat healthy and exercise. Don't tell her it's about her weight. Instead, tell her you love her and want a long healthy life together and you should both start eating healthy and exercising a few times a week. This wont offend her and make her realize it's about health and not just looks.

We all need to take care of ourselves. The second she does, the pounds will shed off. Don't tell her she's fat and she needs to loose weight. That's the worst. She'll feel bad, not like like, and prob gain more weight. She knows she has to loose a few, so leave her alone about it. When you know it, you eventually take care of it. It's when you don't care...that's when trouble occurs.

Why don't you take walks together? Join a gym together, or get a treadmill in the house?

remember, be nice. If there was something she found unattractive about you, I'm sure you'd want her to hint nicely.

[ktrout]

Matilda:

 

Wow, your situation does sound very similar! Thanks for the wisdom, just hearing that from someone else helps. I know what I lack is patience, and I know my wife is annoyed herself at not staying as healthy as she'd like. I really do need to be more forgiving, though, and it is right that I should concentrate on the things that are great, which are many.

 

I do know that 10 lbs isn't much and I'm also pretty certain that weight isn't really the issue. I was in a relationship many years ago with a woman who really let herself go and I think it's just extra baggage from that. I'm pretty sure that woman had undiagnosed clinical depression and letting her health go was just a symptom of it. The relationship itself was pretty doomed from the start. Basically, it was a bad relationship for many reasons and her gaining weight was one of many things I didn't like. I guess that's baggage I just have to deal with, i.e. just because my wife is gaining weight doesn't mean she's going to turn out to be a complete psycho ... ha ha! I know, goofy, but guess that's how psyches work.

 

We actually do bike, rollerblade, walk the dog, camp, ski, snowboard and do all of that together. Her recent relative inactivity, I think, is actually a direct result of her knowing that I'm disappointed. In fact, she's told me so. Many of the things the women here have said in reply to my post are exactly what she's said when we've discussed this issue before, namely how the more I push her to lose weight the more resistant she will be and that she has to self-motivate or she won't do it at all.

 

The guilt I feel is just because I don't believe I'm one of those pigs who thinks all women should look like skeletons dressed up pretty and made to be nice to people. I love curves, love the female form in its natural state ... maybe it all comes down to me worrying that weight gain is a symptom of depression or ... I dunno ...

 

Thanks again for the wisdom, everyone.

 

As for fredrolin, any luck getting those nudie pix? If so, pass 'em on, bro! Tits up!

[flavius]

You obviously iunderstand the need to be sensitive, so just be kind.

 

But also be clear. Ten pounds a year will add up to one really fat woman in a few years. I have a buddy whose wife is right at 300 pounds now, and he's been seething for 15 years.

 

Make it clear ASAP. "I married because I love you desperately. If you love me, hand over half those Twinkies. If you'd sell my love out over a Chinese buffet, you'll be sleeping on the couch before you're thirty. That's the score."

 

I suggest you do the cooking and lunch packing, dude.

 

I also suggest bicyclng as a hobby. It's practically a license to eat!

[confused12345]

I don't get it you guys actually think its okay that he's complaining about 10lbs

 

I'm bewildered. If it was something serious then I might understand..I'm not

married I don't know how it is but really...he can't love her the same because of this.

 

I don't get it.

[flavius]

150+(10x20)=350

 

understand?