I think im pushing him away & im devastated

[CrimsonEyed]

So this mm I've been seeing for about 4 months, I've really really started to fall for. Granted we are both married and id never change our situations, I'm still falling hard for him so I think. He told me he could never love anyone else but his wife and he refuses too. I get it, but he also gets where I'm coming from. Well we emailed back and forth 60+ times a day, he even would email goodnight to me. Well, several days ago we had lets say "a longer opportunity" with eachother. It was incredible to be with him in a worry free situation. We only ever had quick little "get togethers" as we both have busy lives. Well it went incredible and made me realize even more how I feel about him. Well ever since then he just kind of stopped emailing me back or waits hours to email me back. He did tell me the other day that he had the worst guilty dreams and that he was feeling terrible because he knew how bad he would hurt his wife if she found out. I guess i got kind of bitxxy and said we've been doing this for awhile, why would you just now say this after the other night we finally had together. It upset me I guess. He said I'm incredible and its not me, hes just struggling with guilt. He emailed I have to go ill ttyl at 430 yesterday and then got nothing all night. Finally around 11 I emailed casually if we could ever see eachother like that again soon, because I really liked that. Still no email I guess I'm just really hurt, I get maybe he's taking a "moment" or whatever ...but, I honestly just can't imagine him not being there, like it makes me sick. I've had several affairs and none like this. Its a long story but...what do i do, what do I say, how do I say like "hey we use to talk all the time about everythinf and ever since our big get together you've disappeared!!" It was such an emotional bonding time ...to then just be followed by me being crushed. Needless to say I cried last night. I just don't know what to do to keep this man in my life,yes, I'm needy, I am. Should I back off?? Not email him anymore? Give him time and space?? Or found out why the hell he just can hurt me like that! Ugghhh, I promised myself I woukdnt get hung up on a man.....but here I am.

[Goodbye]

If you are getting attached and neither of you has any intention of leaving your spouses...you should end it. Give him "time and space" as in NC. Does your H know about the affair? If he doesn't, maybe it is time to let him in on your secret. And then work on your marriage. Obviously there was SOMETHING about your marriage that you didn't want to leave. Figure that out and work on it. You are going down the road to nowhere.

[whichwayisup]

Yes you're being needy and clingy. Give him some breathing room and back off a bit.

 

You both are married and he has a busy life, as do you.

 

It's an affair, nothing more - And that's how you have to look at this if you truly want this guy in your life. Though I do have to say, getting too attached to the point you're acting desperate is only going to do more harm to you and yes, if you continue bombarding your MM like this, you'll push him away.

 

Where's your husband in all this? why aren't you hung up on him since he is the one you married? Obviously you're not happy in your marriage and something inside of you is broken to have many affairs, let alone let yourself fall for another guy who is also married.

[So happy together]

I would say just back off a little. Let him miss you. The fact is, either he will come back or he won't. You can't force it and if you harp on it he will withdraw further. Just try to pull back your feelings a little. I know it's difficult.

 

Or if you feel that you are getting too attached to him, find another affair partner if that is your thing.

 

Chin up.

[CrimsonEyed]

Well, I didnt exactly "back off" I officially just flat out asked him and in a bitchy manner if he even has feelings for me, and to be honest and to not tell me what he thinks i want to hear because I don't care if he doesnt i just want to know so I dont end up falling for someone who could care less for me. Well he responded with...."of course I care about you, please tell.me you know I do. Yes,I have feelings.for you...why would you think otherwise??" He told me he is just battling a lot of emotional stuff and baggage in his head and heart. It's all just confusing.....but im glad he told me that. So now yes, ill back off I guess I just needed to hear that first.

[threelaurels]

Well, I didnt exactly "back off" I officially just flat out asked him and in a bitchy manner if he even has feelings for me, and to be honest and to not tell me what he thinks i want to hear because I don't care if he doesnt i just want to know so I dont end up falling for someone who could care less for me. Well he responded with...."of course I care about you, please tell.me you know I do. Yes,I have feelings.for you...why would you think otherwise??" He told me he is just battling a lot of emotional stuff and baggage in his head and heart. It's all just confusing.....but im glad he told me that. So now yes, ill back off I guess I just needed to hear that first.

 

This behavior is passive aggressive and somewhat childish. You are forcing him to say he cares about you when he clearly isn't ready to do so. You've only been involved with him for 4 months. His words may be true, but they didn't come from the right place. He may have even lied to you. Confronting someone like that catches then off guard, and most people wouldn't share the truth if it was negative--even though you told him he could. He might not have wanted to hurt your feelings, and/or he might not have wanted you to cause a scene or drama. I suspect that you would have been quite upset if he did tell you he doesn't care, and he may be afraid that you're going to turn into a bunny boiler.

 

Don't contact him anymore. If he wants to distance himself from you, let him--regardless of what the reasons are. Go to IC and find out why you feel the need to cling to a man who you have only known a short while. You are showing relationship habits that are in no way healthy.

[MissBee]

So this mm I've been seeing for about 4 months, I've really really started to fall for. Granted we are both married and id never change our situations, I'm still falling hard for him so I think. He told me he could never love anyone else but his wife and he refuses too. I get it, but he also gets where I'm coming from.

 

I told you in your other thread about why he won't say he loves you, that he is obviously more conflicted than you are. You've been cheating serially for some time now and maybe you're more accustomed to this but maybe he is not. I think he is being a bit more realistic than you are, in that,he wants to be more casual, since he TOLD you he could never love another other than his wife, and since you BOTH will never have more; yet, you've declared love, if I remember correctly, and are coming across as needy and he may be fearing this is turning into way more than he bargained for and is backing off because he doesn't know what to do, and also doesn't want you to become a bunny boiler.

 

 

Well we emailed back and forth 60+ times a day, he even would email goodnight to me. Well, several days ago we had lets say "a longer opportunity" with eachother. It was incredible to be with him in a worry free situation. We only ever had quick little "get togethers" as we both have busy lives. Well it went incredible and made me realize even more how I feel about him. Well ever since then he just kind of stopped emailing me back or waits hours to email me back. He did tell me the other day that he had the worst guilty dreams and that he was feeling terrible because he knew how bad he would hurt his wife if she found out. I guess i got kind of bitxxy and said we've been doing this for awhile, why would you just now say this after the other night we finally had together. It upset me I guess. He said I'm incredible and its not me, hes just struggling with guilt. He emailed I have to go ill ttyl at 430 yesterday and then got nothing all night. Finally around 11 I emailed casually if we could ever see eachother like that again soon, because I really liked that.

 

I don't see anyway for you to not end up hurt, and it's mostly your doing. My suggestion, which you can take or leave, is to help YOURSELF longterm, by getting some counseling and sorting out why you enter these affairs serially and say you like the challenge of a man who says he can't love you. Otherwise a new affair won't help. But in any case, I don't think your A will continue for much longer. Your MM doesn't seem to be one cut out to live a double life and he seems genuinely concerned about his wife. Add your neediness and he will indeed run far away. Even if he comes back, I doubt it will last long, as the conflict is about him and not about whether or not you're incredible.

 

 

 

Still no email I guess I'm just really hurt, I get maybe he's taking a "moment" or whatever ...but, I honestly just can't imagine him not being there, like it makes me sick. I've had several affairs and none like this. Its a long story but...what do i do, what do I say, how do I say like "hey we use to talk all the time about everythinf and ever since our big get together you've disappeared!!" It was such an emotional bonding time ...to then just be followed by me being crushed. Needless to say I cried last night. I just don't know what to do to keep this man in my life,yes, I'm needy, I am. Should I back off?? Not email him anymore? Give him time and space?? Or found out why the hell he just can hurt me like that! Ugghhh, I promised myself I woukdnt get hung up on a man.....but here I am.

 

 

You can't keep him in your life. He doesn't seem to want to be kept there. I think you should indeed give him space and back off and also focus on yourself and why you're pursuing this dead end. What do you think will happen?He will be your AP forever and all will be well? I doubt. It takes two and at this point, he is not all in and may never be. The reason why he can hurt you like that is because it's not just about you. He has a wife and a life that he thinks about, although you don't seem to think about your own married life. He can hurt you because what you want is conflicting with his preexisting life. You KNOW this. It's not like he's your single bf and you're a single gal and all is swell and he just disappeared. He has been telling you from ever since that he won't love you and he's been saying he feels guilty....so it's not a mystery why he is backing off. You just want him to get over his guilt and make you feel good....but sorry....it doesn't work like that.

 

I think you should prepare yourself for this to end and I think you should spend some time focusing on your serial cheating and fixing that versus worrying about him...because what's wrong in your situation with him is no mystery.

 

Responses above in bold.

Edited May 15, 2013 by MissBee

[ThatJustHappened]

He knows this is going to end badly, whether it's with a Dday or with one of you dumping the other one. He's probably trying to protect himself in every way possible because he knows that he's making a big mistake by continuing to see you.

 

Have you considered therapy?

[Quiet Storm]

I agree with the therapy suggestions. Your signature, getting joy out of walking on a happy home, makes me sad. I think maybe you have past hurts and pain that you haven't coped with. You should delve deeper into why you need these ego strokes, why you get feelings of power and satisfaction from someone else's pain. You can learn to feel content and satisfied with yourself, self validate...and you won't crave this unhealthy attention that you desperately seek.

[Wellington]

Crimson,

 

I've been reading thru your other posts and have to say girl....wow!! It's a bit disturbing.

 

Even in a regular relationship (non affair) you would drive this guy mad. After four months, you love him. Hhmmmm. He has been honest with you and told you he cannot reciprocate that love. I do believe that CAN change. It happened with me and my ex MM. We had an agreement that we would never fall in love. 2yrs later, we did and it ruined it. You would be better off enjoying the moments and not throw the "L" word into it.

 

What is so special about this guy that sets him apart from the others you have been with? You said he is successful. Were the others not? How did you happen to get "extra time"? Did he plan this extra time especially for you? How often do you get to see each other? You said he doesn't call you? It's all email communication? How can you fall in love if you hardly see/talk to him?

[Lillyfree]

What is so special about this guy that sets him apart from the others you have been with?

 

the only thing i can see that's different with this guy is that he doesn't want to get involved where the previous ones were willing.

 

i wouldn't blame him if he ran away screaming.

[MissBee]

Crimson,

 

I've been reading thru your other posts and have to say girl....wow!! It's a bit disturbing.

 

Even in a regular relationship (non affair) you would drive this guy mad. After four months, you love him. Hhmmmm. He has been honest with you and told you he cannot reciprocate that love. I do believe that CAN change. It happened with me and my ex MM. We had an agreement that we would never fall in love. 2yrs later, we did and it ruined it. You would be better off enjoying the moments and not throw the "L" word into it.

 

What is so special about this guy that sets him apart from the others you have been with? You said he is successful. Were the others not? How did you happen to get "extra time"? Did he plan this extra time especially for you? How often do you get to see each other? You said he doesn't call you? It's all email communication? How can you fall in love if you hardly see/talk to him?

 

I would wager that, based on Crimson's posts, since she has such a need for validation and she loves the challenge of making someone who said they won't love her love her, that maybe this is why she is so head over heels. It's because he might be the most unavailable one out of all the others. Has be been Crimson? How did your other A partners feel about you? Who ended things?

 

He has been upfront about his limits and for some women the more a man is running away or cannot love them, the more they get obsessed with the great victory they will feel if they can change that. They believe it will make them special and so maybe Crimson is caught up in this hence she feels so strongly about MM...not because of him per se, but because he wants to be with her less than she him, so it creates and overwhelming need to have him.

[Athens]

That's some messed up stuff there, you need help and quick before you dig your hole any deeper.

[CrimsonEyed]

Moderation note: As the topics were essentially similar, they have been combined into one contiguous thread. No other editing performed.

 

My affair has only been going on for four or five months. WHY am I so Hung up on him!!! He's not my body type, my personality type, he's paranoid and weird and stuck up and a jerk! However he was there for me for everything I waa going throigh, then the sex/sex talk/physical aspect was incredible!!! But why!! Why am I in tears right now! We had amazing sex then two days later he tells me his guilt is getting to him and to just back off for awhile and see where this goes. Im just heart broken right now...and I don't even get why!. I told him I understood and respected that he felt guilty and id try really hard to back off...but we were friends even without the sex! So I said can we still try to be friends because you mean to much to me to just lose you. He said I think that will work but you know how hard it will be to not want you again. But backing off!!?? I've told this man my feepest darkest secrets, I became so vulnerable and open with him, he was almlst like a therapist. We talked 50 times a day!! Now I have to just back off!!??

All of what i said was bullsht to him. Im absolutey angry hurt upset and going crazy in my head....im absolutly pathetic. I've lied to him about so many things during this affair, I started the affair on a lie....I've had sick thoughts about hurting him (emotionally) during this affair...almost like he brought evil out in me. Yet here I sit crying because I think I was falling in love.with him. Why...whats my deal! I have NEVER done this before with past affairs ever! What is my problem!?!

Edited May 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Eggplant]

I've told this man my feepest darkest secrets, I became so vulnerable and open with him, he was almlst like a therapist. We talked 50 times a day!! Now I have to just back off!!??

 

When you open up to somebody, you can form a deep attachment. This attachment can happen with a therapist, as well. This attachment is extremely addictive. You are going to go through terrible withdrawal. And you will get over him. But absolutely you need NO CONTACT. No way can you be friends. Have faith that you will survive and heal and be happy again.

[MissBee]

I have said it before, I recommend you get some counseling. I mean that in the sincerest way possible.

 

I think you have a lot going on and this current MM is just one aspect of it. What's going on is way bigger than him IMO.

[CrimsonEyed]

I totally agree missbee.

Obviously I have some deep rooted issues. Believe me, I know my thought patterns are not normal. Ive developed some sociopathic behaviors. Like i wanted him to believe everything i said. I lied and told him I've never had an affair, I lied about how incresdible and sexy of a man i thought he was. I lied about how often my husband and I did stuff,.stuff about our marriage. I lied about how I felt about him so much to the point where i think i started to believe it myself. Just because I could. Believe me, I don't know why I do it. I even had thoughts about how awesome it would be to have his wife find out just so I could hurt him and ruin his life. Ya know,......perhaps I'm.only crying right now because deep down I know how messed up I really am. thanks guys.

[MissBee]

I totally agree missbee.

Obviously I have some deep rooted issues. Believe me, I know my thought patterns are not normal. Ive developed some sociopathic behaviors. Like i wanted him to believe everything i said. I lied and told him I've never had an affair, I lied about how incresdible and sexy of a man i thought he was. I lied about how often my husband and I did stuff,.stuff about our marriage. I lied about how I felt about him so much to the point where i think i started to believe it myself. Just because I could. Believe me, I don't know why I do it. I even had thoughts about how awesome it would be to have his wife find out just so I could hurt him and ruin his life. Ya know,......perhaps I'm.only crying right now because deep down I know how messed up I really am. thanks guys.

 

That's an insightful thought.

 

My most painful breakup, where I was most crazy and devastated, I realized was not about him, but all about me and my own issues I needed to sort through, he was just a catalyst for that.

 

You yourself have admitted you don't even know why you like this man so much and I honestly believe he is immaterial and a lot of your strong feelings towards him and the craziness of this situation are about you and the stuff you need to work out and not at all because he is so important and this was a magical love.

 

I think focusing on yourself will actually help to heal your pain and get to the bottom of things. For me, I realized focusing on the other person was merely a distraction from myself and I never really healed until I took the focus off my feelings for him and dug deeper. It is probably the same for you and I think your many many affairs are all distractions, which clearly don't lead you anywhere new and better but take you deeper into turmoil. I do hope you get to the bottom of this and I hope you feel better soon (chances are though, you may need to hit bottom with your feelings before you can start going up) (((hugs))).