Looking for Support through some pain

[Justin444]

Try to keep this short and to the point.

 

My girlfriend of little over a year, started working at her new job a few months ago. We don't get to spend much time together because of different work hours. Plus I've been going to the gym a lot more to train for tough mudder. Things have been good but I haven't given her the attention she deserved. When I'm not at the gym, I'm on my phone playing Android games. She told me numerous times I'm ignoring her and not loving on her. It's all true, she had been feeling lonely because of me.

 

Well she started to talk about this guy at work a lot, that he is really sweet and helps her a lot and she likes his humor. So about two weeks ago my best friend messaged me he cheated on his girlfriend. I was waiting for my girlfriend to get off work, I always walk her home at night. I told her about my friend and needed her advice. The next day because of my friend, and him cheating with his coworker, she told me she has been crushing on this guy at work. Told me nothing happened but she did think about wanting to kiss him and that she's also turned on by him. I was upset but listened to her and we ended up having a really good week. I took a step back and realized how much I've been ignoring her and not showing her the love she wants.

 

Fast forward to last night. We've been getting extremely close and lots of passion. At certain times I could sense something was bothering her. I've also had dreams of her cheating during the week. I'm a very spiritual person when it comes to the universe and so is she. I knew something was wrong.

 

She finally was brave enough to confess to kissing him. It also happened to be the night my friend messaged me he cheated. She has felt guilty all week keeping the secret and being selfish for not telling me, scared I will leave her. She told me he didn't expect for her to even do it. She said the crush became to much to handle and she became really horny around him and walked up and placed a quick one on his lip's.

 

She said she immediately felt horrible and only could see me. She ran off to the bathroom, washed her faced, cleaned her underwear from being wet right before she went for the kiss. She went back to him and said she can't believe she just cheated on me and told him she feels horrible and is sorry. She asked him if they could forget it happened and he said yes. She doesn't even recall if he even kissed back, he was taken off guard.

 

The next day at work she asked him again if they can forget and he said forget what. She said thanks.

She still has a small crush on him but begged me to forgive her and she loves me and made the biggest mistake.

I am concerned that if distance is a problem that she could do this again. I've very busy with my new career and personal life growing as a person. She said if I neglect her love and attention over a few months again, she could end up crushing on another person. That's understandable considering a relationship is about love and attention. I guess I'm looking to tell my story for some support and to make me feel better.

 

Thank you community.

[BeholdtheMan]

Told me nothing happened but she did think about wanting to kiss him and that she's also turned on by him. I was upset but listened to her and we ended up having a really good week. I took a step back and realized how much I've been ignoring her and not showing her the love she wants.

 

She finally was brave enough to confess to kissing him. It also happened to be the night my friend messaged me he cheated. She has felt guilty all week keeping the secret and being selfish for not telling me, scared I will leave her. She told me he didn't expect for her to even do it. She said the crush became to much to handle and she became really horny around him and walked up and placed a quick one on his lip's.

 

She said she immediately felt horrible and only could see me. She ran off to the bathroom, washed her faced, cleaned her underwear from being wet right before she went for the kiss. She went back to him and said she can't believe she just cheated on me and told him she feels horrible and is sorry. She asked him if they could forget it happened and he said yes. She doesn't even recall if he even kissed back, he was taken off guard.

Hey Justin,

 

Thanks for placing your trust in "the community". Here are some points for you to consider.

 

1) You don't know how much of her story is true. She could be telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She could be minimising the damage: telling you a partial truth to ease her guilty conscience but not enough for you to fly into a rage and dump her ass immediately

 

2) What I would do (which might not be what you'd do, but hey...here it is for your reference): I'd thank her for confessing. Kissing another guy is cheating to me because it's a betrayal of my trust. I'd let her know that I still respect her because she was brave enough to to tell me.

 

Then I'd tell her firmly that I don't want to be with a woman who acts on her overwhelming sexual desire for another man. She's probably going to say "I'll never do it again". If she does, I'll reply that intimate contact with another man is a deal-breaker for me, sorry. I'll wish her the best of luck staying faithful to her future boyfriend.

 

Keep in mind that this is a good course of action even if you don't want to end the relationship. If you say "everything's OK, don't worry about it, I know you'll never do it again", she ends up facing no consequences for her huge ****-up. You want her to fight for the relationship and put in effort to win back you and your trust. If she does that, there's a chance of rebuilding a healthy relationship. She now respects you even more and knows that there's a cost to cheating on you.

 

If you don't think she's putting in sufficient effort, call it quits and wish her well.

 

I wouldn't play this game of course. When I say I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

[Justin444]

Thank you for the response. I did tell her this type of thing went to far and she completely destroyed the trust. I told her I was glad she is now telling me but I was hurt she didn't do it right away, considering it was something we both are strongly against (cheating). She insists that everything has been told and she feels stupid and doesn't deserve me. I told her she was right that she doesn't but I can't relate to what she was feeling, because she never stopped showing me love, even during the crush.

 

She said things really didn't look like they were working out because of the emotional distance we had and she let her thoughts get the best of her. At this point she knows there is no other chances if this were to happen again but I still haven't told her if I'm going to stay or go. I just told her I'm hurt, pained and that she has a lot of making up to do if I stay. However I agree, if I stay it makes it easy to not show effort for her actions. She insists that she would have never been pushed to this point if there wasn't the lack of attention that took place for several months. She says that's no excuse for what she has did and it's all her fault.

 

I guess my thing is two people should love each other, without being so needy. I'm very much into her because of her physical and inner aspects. All around this lady has touched me in ways I've never thought but I suppose I just became content after so long. I think I feel like I was safe from anything bad happening and started focusing on myself like I was single and just had a best friend. She was finishing up her last semester of college and I guess this new job was some new excitement. She found something in this guy I started lacking which was some of the main reasons we started dating. At this point it's either leave or leave and hope she fights for me back. I do feel staying will just hurt me again later on since she is the type of person that loves passion. Either I can keep up with that demand or not really. That's a lot of who I am maybe being taken away, because of the needy part.

 

Anyways, thanks a bunch. I really liked what you had to say.

[drifter777]

Of course this is your decision but there are a couple things you should think about. First there is trust. She destroyed it and it's not possible to ever get it back - at least to the level it was before this incident. Secondly, you aren't married & don't have kids so think long and hard before you make your decision on this. You don't have to put yourself through all the drama of picturing what she did and fearing she will do it again every time she's late coming home or whatever.

 

As far as her account of what happened that night, I simply wouldn't believe it. Wash her panties because she was so wet? She really told you that? There is no more clear indication that she is lying than that. Saying what she said is a subconscious way of telling you that she is lying. No one recounts a story with this extreme level of detail if they are telling the truth. Look it up.

 

A cheater will lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more. You will never know the whole truth but you deserve to know the "big" stuff as in whether they had sex, how many times, how many other guys.

[Justin444]

Yes she said it was an intense feeling but she wasn't excited about kissing him. She said she walked up to him and her only thought was oh **** WTF. That is when she became wet. She said the feeling was this has to come out and be dealt with.

Her story hasn't changed any since telling me and she insists it was only that quick kiss and she felt horrible doing it.

I guess these few days here I've been just buying time and not really telling her what I'm going to do. I really need more time to think.

[drifter777]

Yes she said it was an intense feeling but she wasn't excited about kissing him. She said she walked up to him and her only thought was oh **** WTF. That is when she became wet. She said the feeling was this has to come out and be dealt with.

Her story hasn't changed any since telling me and she insists it was only that quick kiss and she felt horrible doing it.

I guess these few days here I've been just buying time and not really telling her what I'm going to do. I really need more time to think.

A cheater will lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more.

[todreaminblue]

Hey , sorry you had to go through this,

 

 

 

If you have set the boundaries with your relationship in yoru future, that you are giving her a chance, then you need to let it go for it to work, it is going to be hard for you....and for her too....her with guilt and you with distrust, it seems like you have a really open relationship with what she confided in you with....did she really tell you she had to wash her underwear and that she got wet?????

 

i understand disclosure.....borders on a bit cruel though and more for effect than actual use in disclosing.......and even for honesty's sake...there's a limit.....where it just becomes useless hurtful info........

 

 

keep the lines of communication open and make sure your gf feels she can tell you, when you are lacking in the loving affection department...telling you it may happen again is nto a good sign.....not one to inspire some semblance of trust..when you are remorseful you dotn say it may happen again...remorse and truly wanting to change......you wouldnt say that..........deb

[Justin444]

Hey , sorry you had to go through this,

 

 

 

If you have set the boundaries with your relationship in yoru future, that you are giving her a chance, then you need to let it go for it to work, it is going to be hard for you....and for her too....her with guilt and you with distrust, it seems like you have a really open relationship with what she confided in you with....did she really tell you she had to wash her underwear and that she got wet?????

 

i understand disclosure.....borders on a bit cruel though and more for effect than actual use in disclosing.......and even for honesty's sake...there's a limit.....where it just becomes useless hurtful info........

 

 

keep the lines of communication open and make sure your gf feels she can tell you, when you are lacking in the loving affection department...telling you it may happen again is nto a good sign.....not one to inspire some semblance of trust..when you are remorseful you dotn say it may happen again...remorse and truly wanting to change......you wouldnt say that..........deb

 

Yes I know it was cruel, but she is a very straight shooter when it comes to speaking and that's how she talks to her friends. Open communication yes but to a point, it's takes a lot of love and encouragement to get that. I wish she would have told me the night it happened. She said that she couldn't after finding out my friend messaged me about cheating. She said she was wanting to come home and sit me down but I ended up being at her job to walk her home.

 

 

Yes I am dumbfounded by her saying she could do it again if she feels lonely. I mean be honest but maybe I should move on if it takes all my time to please her. I can't dedicated all my heart beats to her. I love to work out and do things too.

 

Going to sit down the next time I see her and talk about it more. Thank you for your input, because it's hard to be respectful to her, when upset even if she is lying more.

[therhythm]

Yes I know it was cruel, but she is a very straight shooter when it comes to speaking and that's how she talks to her friends. Open communication yes but to a point, it's takes a lot of love and encouragement to get that. I wish she would have told me the night it happened. She said that she couldn't after finding out my friend messaged me about cheating. She said she was wanting to come home and sit me down but I ended up being at her job to walk her home.

 

 

Yes I am dumbfounded by her saying she could do it again if she feels lonely. I mean be honest but maybe I should move on if it takes all my time to please her. I can't dedicated all my heart beats to her. I love to work out and do things too.

 

Going to sit down the next time I see her and talk about it more. Thank you for your input, because it's hard to be respectful to her, when upset even if she is lying more.

 

Man... grow some balls and dump that woman... she not only cheated on you but tells you she may do it again... is a complete joke!

[LSTom]

It's hard to believe anyone once trust is broken. And now you want to be away from her for any length of time? If that job takes time away from her, she'll cheat again. It's what women do. You can't leave them alone for any length of time or they'll cheat.

If you want to keep her, that's your business, but you'll always be wondering while you're away or she stays late at work. That's no way to live life.

[therhythm]

It's hard to believe anyone once trust is broken. And now you want to be away from her for any length of time? If that job takes time away from her, she'll cheat again. It's what women do. You can't leave them alone for any length of time or they'll cheat.

If you want to keep her, that's your business, but you'll always be wondering while you're away or she stays late at work. That's no way to live life.

 

Sorry to inform you man... but infidelity is NOT a women only problem. If I would be you I would give advise letting the sexist comments outside!

[Justin444]

I'm going to end it with her. We talked last night and she pleaded that she told the whole truth. She told me she would give me a free pass to give another girl a kiss. I told her no, it would be breaking my values to comfort your guilt. Also said it wouldn't fix the pain I have because I really loved her and a kiss was stolen from me.

She keeps asking for my forgiveness and that I'm the only guy she ever wanted. She only developed the crush because I wasn't showing her I wanted her. So I asked her about that more.

She wants me to be into her, flirt with her, joke with her, and sometimes have she said those moments you see in sitcoms where the husband and wife have little naughty things. She said with all the people who hit on her daily, she just ignores, but this guy at work jokes with her and looks at her like he is really into her. Yes she is very attractive and it's a common thing to go out and hear people shout at her. She doesn't like it and finds it gross but this guy at work, turned into more then a stranger.

Guess I'm going to end it because she is overlooking what I really do do. I always walk her home, put my arms around her in the kitchen, help her with anything she asks, give her kiss every morning and night. I pinch her butt, tell her she is pretty, tell her about what I love about her.

I guess that all falls blind in her eyes because I'm not new dick. I'm just old news and she has too much drive toward quick passion with no restrain. She is just going to keep doing this for life I'm afraid. I thought meeting a girl who has had over twenty people in her past would save me from that quick new passion seeking crap.

 

Thanks all