First session with therapist

[Bananas]

I had my first session with my therapist yesterday, and found it to be very rewarding..

 

My previous two posts explain the situation (tony, im sure you remember), and just wanted to tell you how it went.

 

My therapist says that she thinks im a together person, who has just been looking for love in the wrong type of people, and when the right girl comes along, my insecurities will be that much less...She thought my ex has a lot of problems herself to sort out, and although ive given it my every effort, its clearly not working, and to let the relationship go, but if we feel close, then try to make a friendship work.

 

Now, my ex came with me (because she wanted to) to the therapist and sat waiting for me for 2 hours, which i greatly appreciated...we had a good talk when we got back, and I thought that this was a real turning point for me.

 

I told her again how much truth will play an important part in our friendship, but unfortuately just before she left for work, she started to lie to me about her ex bf again..

 

*sigh*

 

I dont think its important to tell you HOW I know, but I know she was lying to me about who called her cell phone earlier (I saw his name appear on the caller ID before she picked it up)

 

I asked her who it was, and she gave me another friends name..

 

Sooo...I asked her what the deal was with er ex....'no no, nothings going on, couldnt go out with him again', etc..but then why does she still insist lying to me.

 

I told her that when I get a new gf, Ill tell her straight away, and that I hope she would be happy for me, and hoped she would tell me..thats what friends are for after all..

 

But..well, I dont know...

 

She takes the time to come up to the therapist with me...talks to me about a lot of things for the rest of the day..we had fun, felt relaxed, and then this spoils it.

 

What is her adjenda? Should I let it go, and concentrate on myself? (god knows, i NEED to) or keep tyring with this friendship..

 

I just dont know..I need to work on myself, and am (was) hoping my ex (Jo) could help me through this as we are so close..

 

I dont know.

 

My therapist says that I should keep the friendship in a tight boundary...i.e Its under MY control..Ill call her once a week, wont let her just decide when shes coming over etc..This way I get control over the situation..

 

But of course I dont want to continuously think of her maybe being back with her ex...thats hard!

 

I would appreciate words of wisdom on this....(Im due to see my therapist next weekend, so of course Ill be asking her about this.)

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

I totally back what your therapist recommends. However, I personally would not at all want this girl for a friend. No matter how nice it is, if the great times are capped off with lies...I just don't think it's worth it. And she will never cease.

 

Do whatever makes you happy...and listen to your therapist.

[Casssie]

I just posted a message myself and noticed yours.

 

I believe it's very difficult to stay friends with and

 

ex. Of course it's also hard to say goodbye to

 

someone so completely when you still care about them.

 

But..I think it's for the best. At least until enough

 

time has passed that it doesn't hurt to think of

 

her with her ex. You sound like a good person.

 

good luck.

My previous two posts explain the situation (tony, im sure you remember), and just wanted to tell you how it went. My therapist says that she thinks im a together person, who has just been looking for love in the wrong type of people, and when the right girl comes along, my insecurities will be that much less...She thought my ex has a lot of problems herself to sort out, and although ive given it my every effort, its clearly not working, and to let the relationship go, but if we feel close, then try to make a friendship work. Now, my ex came with me (because she wanted to) to the therapist and sat waiting for me for 2 hours, which i greatly appreciated...we had a good talk when we got back, and I thought that this was a real turning point for me. I told her again how much truth will play an important part in our friendship, but unfortuately just before she left for work, she started to lie to me about her ex bf again.. *sigh* I dont think its important to tell you HOW I know, but I know she was lying to me about who called her cell phone earlier (I saw his name appear on the caller ID before she picked it up)

 

I asked her who it was, and she gave me another friends name.. Sooo...I asked her what the deal was with er ex....'no no, nothings going on, couldnt go out with him again', etc..but then why does she still insist lying to me. I told her that when I get a new gf, Ill tell her straight away, and that I hope she would be happy for me, and hoped she would tell me..thats what friends are for after all.. But..well, I dont know... She takes the time to come up to the therapist with me...talks to me about a lot of things for the rest of the day..we had fun, felt relaxed, and then this spoils it. What is her adjenda? Should I let it go, and concentrate on myself? (god knows, i NEED to) or keep tyring with this friendship.. I just dont know..I need to work on myself, and am (was) hoping my ex (Jo) could help me through this as we are so close.. I dont know. My therapist says that I should keep the friendship in a tight boundary...i.e Its under MY control..Ill call her once a week, wont let her just decide when shes coming over etc..This way I get control over the situation.. But of course I dont want to continuously think of her maybe being back with her ex...thats hard! I would appreciate words of wisdom on this....(Im due to see my therapist next weekend, so of course Ill be asking her about this.) Thanks

[Nic]

i think it's great you're seeing a therapist. i spent some time with one a few years back for personal problems and it was the best thing i ever did. it opened my eyes up to so much that i didn't see there. anyway, good for you, and i'll get stuck into it now....

 

YOU WRITE: She thought my ex has a lot of problems

herself to sort out, and although ive given it my every effort, its clearly not working, and to let the relationship go, but if we feel close, then try to make a friendship work.

this is the time where you need to be on your own. i'm not saying write her off as a friend for good, but you need to get over her, and it won't happen with her still in the picture. TRUST ME - it prolongs things in a big, big way, especially if you've taken the break up badly. the fact that she has problems too, may only make things harder for you if she is around. work on your own happiness first, because that is the most important. then decide if you want to pursue a friendship with her. it was nice of her to go the therapist with you for support, but she will only stall the healing process for you at the moment.

..but then why does she still insist lying to me.

she doesn't insist on lying to you. she just lies, period. that is her. it is in her nature. it has nothing to do with you or with the person you are. if she had never of met you, she would be lying to someone else right now.

But..well, I dont know... She takes the time to come up to the therapist with me...talks to me about a lot of things for the rest of the day..we had fun, felt relaxed, and then this spoils it.

she spoiled it for you. you said it in one. this is YOUR time to yourself. you are not being selfish by focusing on your own happiness. you couldn't be doing anything more right at the moment. please, do not let her come along again. you don't need someone to make you feel bad, when you are actually making the effort to feel content and enlightened. she may not be making you feel bad intentionally, but she still is making you feel bad.

What is her adjenda? Should I let it go, and concentrate on myself? (god knows, i NEED to) My therapist says that I should keep the friendship in a tight boundary...i.e Its under MY control..Ill call her once a week, wont let her just decide when shes coming over etc..This way I get control over the situation..

if you still want her in your life to some degree, i think your therapist is right on the mark. while you are sorting yourself out and reclaiming yourself, things are going to have to be worked out according to your rules. once you feel more in control, you will start to feel a lot stronger and a lot more positive.

But of course I dont want to continuously think of her maybe being back with her ex...thats hard!

of course it's hard, and it hurts, but the fact that you are seeing therapist is going to make this a whole lot easier for you. you can talk to your therapist about that. no one likes to think of the one they love with someone else, but a lot of us have been there and understand your pain at these thoughts. but don't obsess over something that may not even happen. talk to your therapist about this and you will feel a lot better.

 

good luck to you. you couldn't be doing a better thing by seeing a therapist. you are going to find it so rewarding and empowering in time. :)

[Bananas]

Thanks Nic!

 

I must admit ive been going through things over and over in my head the last couple of days, and its strange, but now the thing that really hurts me is the sex thing.

 

I realise we we;rnt compatible people, and thats the way things go, but for some reason, I feel so bad about the though of her having sex with someone else..(especially her ex)..

 

Im sure this is a natural thing, but it seems to be the main area of pain for me....which is interesting.

 

When we first 'got it on' it was within a few hours of her coming round to my house for the first time, and after that it was the most rewarding and fulfilling sexual partner ive had..She told me that I hold the record for getting her naked! (then again, can I believe that!)

 

And of course now all thats gone.

 

Im sure ill find someone else to fulfill me, but Im wondering why im thinking about that so much..

 

Hmm....yet another thing for me to get analyzed!!

 

Im very happy i went to the therapist, but im angry that it had to turn out as it did...what a shame.

 

I understnad what you said about the lies..in that she will just be lying to everyone, not just me, but it hurts most because I told her at the beginning of the relationship that all I ever want, nad value most, is trust and honesty..and she looked deep in my eyes and told me she would never have any secrets.

 

What a great actress!!

 

Im a little sensitive about the ex, because my last long term gf and I were due to buy a house etc, but she eventually left me for her ex also...god damn it!!

 

I think ive some work to do to try and identify whats going on, but im on the right track it seems...

 

Everyone has said the same thing that I need time to myself away from her..im very eager to get back to the guy I was before..the guy my friends liked and miss!!

 

Next time I get in a relationship, things are going to have a much better balance.

 

Thanks for your wise words Nic

[Nic]

hey bananas (that sounds funny!),

 

i completely understand your pain, especially this part:

but for some reason, I feel so bad about the though of her having sex with someone else..(especially her ex)..

this is what is currently getting to me at the moment with my ex. when i found out he's with someone else, it killed me. it still hurts, but you're right - it is a natural thing. it's not a reflection on who we are at all. i think talking this over with your therapist would really help a lot. your therapist has probably dealt with this sort of thing before, a lot of times, because many of us have been there at some stage.

Im sure ill find someone else to fulfill me, but Im wondering why im thinking about that so much.. Im very happy i went to the therapist, but im angry that it had to turn out as it did...what a shame.

things will only get better from here

I told her at the beginning of the relationship that all I ever want, nad value most, is trust and honesty..and she looked deep in my eyes and told me she would never have any secrets.

i TOTALLY can relate to that one! it does hurt, but like i said, it's in their nature. they probably really want to be able to be as honest as us, but it's not who they are, unfortunately.

Everyone has said the same thing that I need time to myself away from her..im very eager to get back to the guy I was before..the guy my friends liked and miss!!

...and that is the most important thing. when you are back to yourself, things will happen in your life that will reflect your happiness, and at least you'll know what to do/what not to do, and you'll be better equipped to handle something IF it goes wrong. i know how painful it is to not speak to your ex. it cut me deeply, but i know i would be at a stalemate and not haved moved at all if i were still in contact with him. i've moved a tiny bit, but time will move me more, and so will no contact with him for now.

Next time I get in a relationship, things are going to have a much better balance.

you sound like a really great, honest, caring guy. when you are back to your old self and can deal with your ex better, someone really special will come along that will knock your socks off more than your ex did. you may not think that at the moment, or even want to, but it will happen. but we need to deal with our pain first, and ourselves before that can happen. i'm nowhere near ready to start seeing someone yet, but i know in time i will be. it's just a matter of letting time help you get over them, and regaining your confidence. you will get there in time, you really will.

Thanks for your wise words Nic

your very welcome!!!

[bananas]

Thanks Nic...

 

Its good to chat to someone who has recently gone through the same stuff..

 

It BITES, but hey, this is life..

 

I was also thinking, over a nice hot coffee at lunch here, that really, life treats me good....I have a good job, great friends, health, my own house, car....jeez, and im complaining that two incompatible people cant get it together..jeez!!

 

Its nice that its party season..im going to go out, have fun, flirt and just be myself...I dont feel the need for anyone at the moment (although i still crave attention!!)

 

Just out of interest, where are you Nic?? (and Tony, everyone else for that matter..)

 

Im in London, UK...and the damn weather isnt making my mood any better!!!

 

Take care..thanks, Nic.

 

Rob

[Nic]

hey rob,

 

YOU LUCKY BUGGER!!!! i went to the UK last year for a while - LOVED IT!!!! i would die to be in london again (well, that wouldn't really get me far!). a couple of my friends are there right now on working holidays. they're lucky buggers too. it may be pretty damn cold in the UK, but the heat over here the last couple days has been something else. i would i worked for a lady in kensington for a while and spent some time at earls court (a haven for the aussies, sth africans and kiwis as you probably know).

 

i'm a sydney girl born and bred, but i have to say i really did love london (how patriotic of me!). i am a convict

 

just out of interest, i think we may be related - i was just reading through some posts above and the one where you wrote - "i never met her friends or her mother"....WELL! i never my ex's parents (they disapproved - no one will ever be good enough for their little boy), and a month before we split, i met one of his friends for the first time. his friends all knew about me, but he felt he should have "friend time and girlfriend time". yeah, right, like you can't balance the two and the twain shall never meet. it bugged the hell out of me at the time, but now i realise, this guy simply didn't know how to handle relationships and how to strike a balance.

 

but you're right - we have so many other things to be thankful for. we are lucky to have what we have, and i actually thought to myself this morning "this break up is fates way of telling me there is something better out there for me". well, my guy was awesome while we were together, but i know someone else will come along oneday who will make me feel great, and who won't hurt me. i think this was just fate teaching me what not to settle for and what i deserve. and yes, it BITES BIG TIME, but we have to do what's right for ourselves now.

 

it's good to see you're going to enjoy yourself. you deserve it. i know what you mean about craving attention though! it's very flattering, but time on my own is going to be healthy for me. i don't want to make any mistakes that will make me feel worse by rushing into the arms of someone else (especially when it would not feel right yet). when i am over him, then i will know when i'm ready. but in the meantime, a little flattery and flirting won't hurt anyone. it can be good for the confidence, if you know what i mean.

 

god, i'm rambling big time here. i really should be working, but...oh well....this is much more interesting.

 

if you want to chat to someone who knows exactly what you're going through, or if you're bored at work, or if you want to take the p!ss out of an aussie , my email is <e-mail address removed> - don't feel obligated though, cos i won't get offended if you don't.

 

keep your head held high, laugh off the weather in your wellies, and enjoy your christmas!

 

see ya,

 

nic.