Is snooping a terrible thing?????

[confusedagain]

[font=arial][/font][color=indigo][/color]

 

I am in need of some advice. I am a grown woman, 35 years old, divorced, with kids and in a committed relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I have never once thought he would cheat on me. Recently, however, I am beginning to feel skeptical about his loyalty to me. I also question my loyalty to him right now because he is becoming someone I do not know if I want to be with for the rest of my life.

 

My boyfriend is an alcoholic who is in total denial. He is 40 yrs old and has kids from a previous, painful marriage. He still insists on the club scene lifestyle and I don't see that priority changing anytime soon!

 

My issue is this...I feel very guilty and ashamed because I have been snooping on my boyfriend extensively. I figured out his password to his cell phone and I check his messages regularly. A few months ago there was a message from his ex girlfriend, who he dated right after his divorce. She lives out of state. It was pretty personal with I miss you and I love you and all. I didn't tell him that I heard it, but instead I asked him when was the last time they spoke. Plus....I pay for our cell phones and I had gone online to view the bills and the top call under his number was an out of state call to his previous home town...and it lasted for 45 minutes! I called the number and it was his ex girlfriend's number! He came clean and told me they had spoken but that there was nothing going on and that they do not speak regularly. The big issue here is that one of the guys I dated for a VERY short period of time, prior to dating my boyfriend, had called me one day..out of the blue...and my boyfriend was questioning me like a private eye! Why did he call you, how often do you talk, etc etc.... He had called to say happy birthday. I was not and am not seeing the guy. We never speak...it was my birthday and so he called to say happy birthday.

 

Anyway....today I listened to his messages and a girl had left a message saying "This is ______. If you don't remember me, I met you Fri night after the game at the bar called__________. Please call me. I wanted to say hello..." etc etc.... My heart fell out when I heard the message. I was crushed. My irrational self wrote down this girl's number, called her privately and told her not to mess with men who have girlfriends. She was very nice and said she truly didn't know and that nothing had happened. She said she was 24...and she thought my boyfriend was in his 30s. He is 40! She said she simply told him that she was coming to the city and that she figured he would know of all the hookups there and she was looking to be hooked up with a man. Supposedly, he said he could help her with the places to go out. They gave each other their phone numbers and she was the first to make a connection. I got to his message before he did so I erased it before he could even listen.

 

Now I feel like **** because I am guilty of snooping and possibly freaking out over something innocent, BUT, in my opinion, he should not have been exchanging numbers with a female anyway. Am I wrong to have done all this snooping and calling? Is he wrong to have exchanged numbers with this female who is almost twenty years his junior?

 

What if he asks me about the call? What if she calls him and says that some psycho woman called her out of the blue and accused her of messing with a man with a girlfriend and kids? Should I come clean or should I pray she never calls him again and he never calls her? This girl was very polite and said that she is not interested in him in a romantic way. She said that I should find out all of the facts before I go around accusing people of things..and she is right. I shouldn't even be in this relationship any more because I already feel I am settling for someone who will never appreciate all I have done for him and his kids and all I continue to do. Plus, he questions my loyalty almost non-stop and what kind of relationship is that with no trust?

 

I am so distraught right now because we have been through so much together and I do love him deeply and truly care about him. He is a good person. I just know that unless his drinking stops and his clubbing scales down tremendously, I will eventually walk away form this relationship bitter...and I do not want to do that.

 

Please, someone tell me your opinion of my actions...is it wrong to snoop when your gut tells you something isn't right? Should you just ask the man when you have a gut feeling and hope he tells you the truth? I really feel stupid for calling this girl because I do not think he cheated and I feel that he wouldn't physically cheat, BUT..the disrespect of exchanging numbers is no small issue to me either. PLEASE....someone give me feedback and guidance on this. I have been burned before and found out the scoop I needed by snooping. yes it hurt and yes it was wrong, BUT he was lying to me (an old boyfriend) and I found proof and left the relationship.

 

This sucks...I am in pain and confused...hope someone can help!

[johan]

I'd say listening to your gut is smart, in this case. You are considering making a lifetime commitment after all. He has bad habits that make him appear unreliable. So I don't blame you for trying to get some answers. I don't imagine you were really surprised by what you found out.

 

I'm starting to think that people have a right to know what's going on behind all those passwords. I didn't used to, but I'm starting to.

[dyermaker]

Please, someone tell me your opinion of my actions...is it wrong to snoop when your gut tells you something isn't right?

It's not my place to judge you, every situation is different. That said, I've never read a situation in which your actions are okay. Snooping is never cool, the ends never justify the means.

 

That's not helpful, I know. I'll try to be more helpful.

 

Why snooping is wrong: It circumvents communication, disregards trust, and changes your role from 'partner' to 'parent' (not that I feel parents should snoop either, but it's different)

 

That doesn't mean you're hopeless. You have an instinct and it's more valuable than anything evidence could prove.

 

Let's put the disease issue aside as not part of this discussion.

 

Psychologically, the effects of him cheating on you and the effects of *thinking* he's cheating on you are identical. Tangible proof is totally unneccessary and a bonus. If you feel this way, you need to communicate with him. If he can't make you feel better about it, it's time to ramble on--whether he was innocent or not.

[CurlyIam]

Girl,

 

I so feel for you.

 

But what's done is done, you now know for a fact he went out and picked up girls. Not to say exes in the scene, phonecalls you pay for.

 

Most disrespectful.

 

The bad part is.... that this is your fault. You let him drive you here. You were too nice, you did not scream and yell and break stuff and kick him out the first time you found out he'd been interested in other women.

 

Plus the alcohol part. This type of people have a disease. You cannot be nice to a disease. You can cure a disease. Not you, anyway, him.

 

I say you come straight forward with this story. Tell him everything. About the ex, about the hooking up, and most importantly, threatern him that you've had enough. Give him dead lines. MAke appointments to the doctor, tell him to follow it to the letter, tell him to get his s*** together or else he can start packing.

 

 

You are waisting your time, your nerves, you live under unnecessary stress. He's willing to make the effort and change? IT's up to you to give him one more chance. HE misses one doctor's appointment, he's out.

 

 

 

 

This is no time to be weak, my friend. This is a time to put some order, to be strict and to know what to demand from him and from life.

 

Everyone gets weak, not everyone is weak forever. That's what I'd tell my sister to do if she were in your shoes.

 

Big hug,

 

Curly

[Jilly10340]

I would say that snooping, while it may not be down right wrong, is never a good idea. I think that people begin to snoop and they expect to find the worse, so everything they do find they read into it way too much.

 

I think that the fact that you don't trust him and you have a bad gut feeling toward him is enough to tell you that maybe you don't belong with him.

 

Plus, if he really is an alcoholic, I wouldn't even go there. Alcoholism is a disease and as it progresses, alcohol becomes more important then anything else in his life.

 

I would definately tell him what you've found out, see how he reacts, and go from there.

[savethedrama4allama]

IMO it is irrelevant how you figured everything out at this point.

 

It is time to whoop ass.

[tiki]

Everytime I see a thread about snooping, it reminds me that I need to check my fiance's email....lol. Do a search on snooping on this site.

 

This guy is your boyfriend and you aren't yet married to him. He's ALREADY treating you horribly. If you think it'll get better, you're dead wrong.

[Jilly10340]

Tikibrandy is right. Some people go ahead and marry the person that treats them badly because they think they'll change once they get married. But they never do and it just ends up in divorce.

 

If you're not happy in the relationship now, get out while you can.

[Mr Spock]

The only problem with snooping is that you may not like what you find. What's better, ignorance or heartache? You decide.

 

 

He's questioning your loyalty because HIS own is misplaced. Do your self esteem a favour, and kick him to the curb.

[surfergirl]

Here's the deal - I am divorced because of snooping too. My ex-husband accused me of things that were not true. He could not handle being a father and so he went out and got himself a gf.

 

He would go through my underwear drawer and through my car "looking" for something to excuse his behavior by finding fault in me. It didn't work.

 

I gave him enough rope and he hung himself....meaning I put a "tail" on him and the truth came out. I never snooped in his stuff and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but "knowing" in my heart things were not right. I waited patiently and the ugly dog finally showed it's head.

 

Having my privacy invaded like that was horrible and dissolved all trust that might have been worth working for. If things are not right then fix them within yourself first before "looking" for signs that validate your reasons for leaving.

 

Be very careful with snooping it might just come back to bite you in the a$$.

[Girlie]

Snooping is not a good idea. If you feel you can't trust someone, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them in the first place. That being said, regardless of whether it's right or wrong,what's done is done. You have all the information you need. Your man is out at the clubs handing out his phone # to other females. And not just any #, but the one YOU pay for. First of all, and I don't mean to be rude, but find a man who can pay his bills. Come on....you deserve at least that. Secondly, regardless of what happened between him and this girl, he's exchanging #'s with strange women at bars. Who cares about her age....Sounds to me like he's trying to hook himself up. Drop him like a bad habit. I know it's been two years, but this is not the kind of behavior you should tolerate if you're looking for a solid, steady relationship.

[joodee]

I am ok with snooping, your gut told you to do it. I've had other boyfriends, I had broken up with them over various reasons, but never over lying and cheating. And I never had the urge to snoop on them. My last boyfriend told me I was the only one...I sensed there was something not right, snooped in his e-mail, and found out he was having sex with another woman, sometimes getting together the same day we would get together. And he was writing her how he didn't care that he was doing that to me. Mind you, we were having an active sex life and were spending alot of time together, so he had to really do some juggling so he could have more and worked overtime to keep it hidden from me. I forwarded what I found, he at first was pissed, but then started apologizing profusely. He knew he was wrong, dead wrong. Can you imagine being naive to that kind of behavior? I don't think so.

 

So I am all for snooping, better to know that someone is deceitful than be naive and living in a fantasy world.

 

Hope that helps.

[Mary3]

Only * He * Can help his Alcohol Problem.

You can't MAKE him get help. Only HE can help himself...I have been there and you are wasting your time and you need to RUN FAR AWAY ASAP !!

 

Don't even try to catch your breath......Just RUN ! Now