Obsessed with my ex looking like a villan:(

[cherie88]

I am majorly obsessed with my ex-boyfriend who lied to me cheated on me and moved on happily with my friend. The most wierd part is me being obessed with looking like an angel , and them looking like complete villans and being banished to karma. Even after all thats happened my ex has no conscience , and casually texted me for his microwave back. I have done nothing to deserve this.

 

 

Basically long story short. My ex boyfriend was in an affair with my "friend" Its been four months, but its still hard to digest. Ive been through so much but I choose not to say a word to them and live my life , Im a university student and wanted to be mature about it. My good friend on the other hand seen the way I was hurting and decided to call out the girl my ex got into an affair with on a social network website, calling her an homewrecker etc. I was kinda upset about her doing that , but at the same time felt a guilty pleasure out of her doing it. Even after what the girl has done to me , she called me out aswell and told me it was cause I was jealous ( she has no shame whatsoever) Despite this , I stopped the fight and told them both its not necessary and should be put in the past. But lately all I can think about is whether I look immature because of my friend who was looking out for me did this or if I look Im still not over this? Even though at the end of the day I was the one was hurt ..ugh what is my problem

 

Im petrified of coming to school thinking this girl is just going to even make me more miserable than already possible. For some reason, I want to have the complete advantage of moving on and looking down on them , while they beg for my forgiveness but I know thats not going to happen.

[Treasa]

This is why I try to avoid drama when I can.

 

There are no guarantees that life will be "fair." There is no such thing as people being slapped upside the head by "karma" or whatever you want it to be.

 

What has really helped me is to focus on myself and my own happiness, rather than what others think about me. If I'm doing well and if I feel right with my actions, things are good. Bad events can be overcome. Negative feelings will diminish with time.

 

Live your life being grateful for what you have, and seeing each day as a gift. See the beauty in others. Love yourself. Have dignity. That's really the best way to "get back" at someone. They can choose to be miserable. You can choose to be happy.

[Tinie]

Well, worrying about them being happy together or whatever, is only hurting you. You're wasting your precious energy on two pathetic backstabbers. Who cares about them. There are so many people out there, you'll have you chance to meet the sweetest, nicest guy there is. Don't worry about people who are not worth your time or energy, they aren't important.

[LovesHangover]

I am so sorry this happened to you!

 

However, now is the time for you to focus on yourself and your own happiness.

 

I've been in a similar situation, so I can empathize with you.

 

Since my situation happened years ago, I'll share some of my lessons learned that may hopefully help you.

 

1. Forgive

 

Forgive your "ex" and your "ex-friend": Forgive them because they obviously don't know any better. They don't know how to appropriately handle relationships. There's just nothing left to do or say but release them in love, hold nothing against them and wish them the absolute best with their respective lives. You can forgive people without maintaining a relationship with them.

 

Forgive yourself: Please know that this means nothing about you. I am sure that you are a great person, and the right guy will be blessed to have you. You have to continue a positive and loving relationship with yourself, which will not be possible if you allow bitterness to grow in your heart.

 

It doesn't matter how many times you've been hurt, it never justifies doing anyone or wishing anyone harm. I heard a minister say this recently, and it is true whether you are Christian or not. Forgiveness frees to you obtain the best in your life because you're not cluttered with junk!

 

Do what you need to do to let it go. The following are some tips to help you do this:

 

2. Focus on You

 

Be empowered: No matter what the situation is, know that you have the power to handle what life brings. Even the hard stuff. So you trusted people who hurt you. It happens and it doesn't mean anything about you as a person.

 

Affirm and Love Yourself: You are who you create you to be, so affirm and love yourself.

 

- Take Care of Yourself: Eat well, drink plenty of water and exercise. Do what you need to do to be successful in your studies.

 

- Surround Yourself with People who Love You: Talk to family and friends who love you about things that bring you joy or what you're creating for your life. Be done talking about your exes.

 

- Do Things that Bring you Joy: Date and fall in love with you. Go watch the sunrise or sunset. Go to the botanical gardens or zoo or wherever. Take a long walk. Ride a bike. Go to your favorite restaurant or to watch a movie. Take a relaxing vacation alone. Be comfortable with you.

 

- Read/Listen Inspirational Recordings/Books: It is really good to maintain a positive and empowered outlook on life, but it can also be very difficult. I listen to the Strangest Secret by Earl Nightingale. I recently read a book called PIVOT: How One Turn In Attitude Can Lead to Success by Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman. I also read the Bible daily because I'm a Christian and a Scripture based book about managing emotions. I don't remember the author's name. I also use the Web to search for inspirational quotes. I subscribe to Simple Truths, Intentional Leadership and listen to a the Know Your Bible broadcast on AM 940. Girl, just continue to do what you have to do to create a positive context for your life. You'll still have things to deal with and manage, but you'll be able to do so from a place of power and choice.

 

- Create a Gratitude/Inspirational Journal: I have one that I fill with positive quotes, my life plan, lessons I've learned throughout the day, and things that I'm grateful for that happened each day. Whenever, I feel down, I can remind myself of positive lessons learned as well as continue to seek new things to be grateful for. You may also use this journal to vent your frustrations and develop a positive but for what you're going through. I got this tool from PIVOT.

 

For example, yesterday I passed a dumpster and the smell was awful. Instead of complaining, I thought, "LORD, thank you for the ability to smell. LOL! Practice this with small things and it will be easier to do with the big things such as I loved someone who hurt me, but at least I know my heart works.

 

- Commit to Forgiveness: Forgiveness is not easy. It takes work. Each time you get angry about what has happened, commit to forgive. Forgive in each moment until it becomes easier to not hold anything against anyone.

 

- Choose to Be HAPPY: You have a right to be happy, so choose it. I know this won't be easy either, but it will become easier with practice. Every moment, choose to be happy.

 

 

3. Develop a Strategy for Your Life

 

You should spend sometime by yourself just dealing with you. I've learned that what I go through in life is for my spiritual, mental and emotional growth, which is why I always ask the questions: What can I learn from this? How can I grow from this and be a better person? Sometimes life seems unfair, but believing that everything will work out for my good helps.

 

Before you're ready to start dating again, you should consider creating a life plan. I got this from Michael Hyatt, the guy who authors the Intentional Leadership Blog I subscribed to. Google him, email him and he will send you his free e-book Creating Your Life Plan if your interested so that you can have goals in every area of your life that is important to you. You will have setbacks, but your goals and values will ensure that you maintain a vision for your life that isn't shaken by external circumstances or other people's actions.

 

While I value relationships, I am not a fan of serial monogamy. Where I'd invest so much into a relationship and even have sex with someone who really hasn't committed to me in action. I think that monogamy is for marriage only. So I've decided to date and get to know many people. I'll take it slow and not have sex again until I'm married. I won't be exclusive with anyone until he proposes, puts a ring on my finger and we a date. Otherwise, I'll be single. I think that how I've dated in the past didn't work for me, so I'm trying something new. What I think/plan may not work for you. When you're ready, create a dating plan that does work for you.

 

4. Move Forward - Create a Brighter Future for Yourself: After you have taken steps to forgive yourself and others as well as utilized strategies to love and affirm yourself, you can move forward to a brighter future for yourself. Don't allow this or anything to defeat you or make you feel low. Just as you have to deal with yourself, each person has to deal with him/herself. Just focus on what you need to focus on and nothing else!!!

[mfleck91]

Spot on exactly what happened to me a couple of months ago. Was with my ex for 4 years, she cheated, I said some nasty things and am afraid that I come off looking immature, especially since I couldn't stick to no contact in the beginning. I've asked similar questions in here about clearing my name, the thread is still going under "coping" actually.

 

Basically what I've learned from here is accepting that it doesn't matter what your ex or their new catch thinks about you because you will never associate with them again, you will never speak to them again. It's definitely a bitter pill to swallow, trust me I know. I'm still struggling to accept it but its necessary. Cheating is inexcusable no matter the scenario, we can't allow our exs to take up space in our mind anymore.

[crederer]

You wanna make him look like a villian? Tell people he stole from your dying grandmother, gave you herpes from that time he cheated on you, and that on occasion he worships satan by sacrificing a baby goat to the under lord.

 

That should do it.

 

But in all seriousness, it makes you look bad by wanting to make him look bad. I completely understand those feelings, I'm just saying that the high road always works out better in the end.

[cherie88]

Spot on exactly what happened to me a couple of months ago. Was with my ex for 4 years, she cheated, I said some nasty things and am afraid that I come off looking immature, especially since I couldn't stick to no contact in the beginning. I've asked similar questions in here about clearing my name, the thread is still going under "coping" actually.

 

Basically what I've learned from here is accepting that it doesn't matter what your ex or their new catch thinks about you because you will never associate with them again, you will never speak to them again. It's definitely a bitter pill to swallow, trust me I know. I'm still struggling to accept it but its necessary. Cheating is inexcusable no matter the scenario, we can't allow our exs to take up space in our mind anymore.

 

Ive actually read your thread and it helped allot, yes I'm aware they don't deserve to occupy my mind but how can i stop caring.when they go to the same campus as me as i am bound to constantly see them again?

[cherie88]

You wanna make him look like a villian? Tell people he stole from your dying grandmother, gave you herpes from that time he cheated on you, and that on occasion he worships satan by sacrificing a baby goat to the under lord.

 

That should do it.

 

But in all seriousness, it makes you look bad by wanting to make him look bad. I completely understand those feelings, I'm just saying that the high road always works out better in the end.

 

In your opnion do i look bad already?

[cherie88]

I guess my biggest question is how do I get use to seeing them around together:(

I dont think i have alot of confidence to begin with. and even though my friend technically deserved to be called out that way i still feel bad about it , and i fear that she will publically embarass me as if I havent been embarassed enough ..

[cherie88]

I guess I'm just panicing

I'm the nicest person in reality , I feel like they brought the worst out of me and i dont want people to see me in a different light. I feel like my reputation is ruined:(

[Harradin]

I know how you feel, its an awful feeling.

 

My ex girlfriend cheated (I was away the weekend she cheated with him) and ran off with someone I considered a friend. It's been 8 months since, and to this day it still makes me angry thinking about it. I'm completely unable to forgive them, but that's another topic as I can't forgive anyone for anything.

 

Although I was very lucky that I could cut all ties with them both and disappear, the only way either of them can contact me now is if I accidentally bumped into them in the street or they came to my house. Extremely lucky as I know 2 martial arts and I still would smack the sh*t out of the "friend" if he ever came near me.

 

The worst bit for me is I still have mutual friends, and they knew about her running off with him, they were telling me how wrong it was of them etc and yet they all still act like they're the best of friends. I see it on Facebook despite that I've blocked them, as it just looks like they're talking to themselves. It makes me feel physically sick that they could be so 2 faced. So in a way I want them to be the villains who nobody likes to prove that what comes around goes around. Half tempted to cut ties with them all.

 

I guess you just have to figure out a way to constantly avoid them, I guess you'll see them at some point but the least you see of them the better. I focused on bettering myself (even though I was better then them) so I could distance myself away by showing myself how good I could get.

[LovesHangover]

I guess I'm just panicing

I'm the nicest person in reality , I feel like they brought the worst out of me and i dont want people to see me in a different light. I feel like my reputation is ruined:(

 

Just be who you are. The people who love you will love you, and those who do not oh well. Your only responsibility is to be good to yourself and others. If you do that, you have nothing to worry about.

 

I have to add this: Being good to others doesn't mean being a doormat. It means to not go out of your way to cause anyone harm, be respectful and genuinely kind. There is a respectful and kind way to do all things even when you are setting up boundaries and letting people know that you won't tolerate certain behaviors.

 

Trust me. You will be fine. Just work through what you have to internally to heal yourself and grow from this situation.

 

All the best,

 

LovesHangover

[underpants]

I like this. Lets do it.

 

First, lets give him a diabolical name. Professor X

 

He needs a good back story as to how he turned so evil. His mom took away a toy too soon.

 

Lets give him a scar, weird facial hair or other odd feature that upon seeing we should have immediately known. I like the curly mustache and top hat, tying women to train tracks sort of thing.

 

Feel free to edit or add to the story line.

 

...your rep is fine. Your friend deserved to get a little wrath from you. I say don't be her friend, even after he cheats on her with the next person. She has shown you what a good friend she can be. He is her problem now. As for the microwave, I would break it, then return it.

[LovesHangover]

I guess my biggest question is how do I get use to seeing them around together:(

I dont think i have alot of confidence to begin with. and even though my friend technically deserved to be called out that way i still feel bad about it , and i fear that she will publically embarass me as if I havent been embarassed enough ..

 

Build your self confidence. I think you are a wonderful person, and I haven't even met you. Please read the book PIVOT. It really helped me. You need to develop a positive attitude about yourself as well as strategies to help you get back to a positive self image when life happens. Just because this happened to you doesn't mean you're not a beautiful, smart, loving and loveable person. Remind yourself of this as many times as you need to.

 

I know this is difficult, but don't victimize yourself or vilify them. This is the point of forgiveness. Release all parties in love. Nobody is perfect and sometimes people do really messed up stuff that hurts. Acknowledge your hurt and loss in an effort to heal and move forward.

 

Stop beating yourself up for the actions of others. Your friend called out your ex-friend. According to your post, you asked her to discontinue doing things like that. You've done all you can do in asking her to stop.

 

You acted responsibly by making the request, so why do you feel as if you are responsible for your friend's actions and the impact?

 

Why do you feel embarrassed? What do you think will embarrass you more?

 

I'm wishing you the best from over here!

 

LovesHangover

[cherie88]

I really wish i knew you personally. You sound very wise & beautiful . . And im going to give tbat book a try..Let me try to.explain my rational, i guess im finding this stage espicially difficult just because its hard for me to forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness, ignorant proud and boastful of what theyve done. She even told me to get a tub of ice cream and attempted to embarass me, and now i just ask myself how.did i get here how was i ever so.close to such cruel people. My biggest fear os.coming to.school and being further humuliated in that sense as if they all moved on.and im just a desperate loser

Edited June 1, 2013 by cherie88

[underpants]

I like to think that the cruel people are desperate losers. Gosh, we are all in this ride together right?

 

This becomes more apparent as we grow older, wiser. Some never get it and that is unfortunate, for them.

 

If you really want to analyse this then, okay. Guilt. The easiest path is to project that guilt into shaming/removing yourself from that guilt. Projection is self guilt expressed by blaming the wronged person. In a weird way it makes the wrong doer find a way to make it okay in their minds. I know, it is in a crazy book for a reason.

 

You will be alright. Sometimes in life you have to be shown what not to want. Be happy about that.