confessed789 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 This has not been a good summer. 6 weeks ago my wife told me she wants to end this marriage. Yesterday I got hard evidence that she is having a sexual affair with a friend of our's and he is married. Three weeks from now my wife is moving out. Yes she's said all the stuff one would expect - my fault for the breakup and all. I don't know if I should confound her or not, whether I should call him and tell him I know or if I should call his wife and tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Well, based on the advice of other threads on this subject, don't confront him or his wife, because they aren't your concern. Your wife is the one who was unfaithful, not them *even though they are "friends"* If it were me, darn straight I'd confrong wifey. I'd be FURIOUS at her for blaming me for the break up, especially since she was screwing some guy during the process. On the other hand, if you give your divorce lawyer this evidence, and don't tell your wife, she'll be blindsided at the divorce hearing, when you have hard evidence that the break up is HER fault, and you may get more in the settlement. And even though jmargel will say that this is "immature" wouldn't it be sweeter to see her face when your lawyer presents the judge with the evidence of her infidelity in the court Can you SAY just deserts? So my advice is don't confront the guy sleeping with your wife. Don't tell his wife, because she'll be angry at you...go figure that mindset, but that's how it goes. It's up to you whether or not you confront you wife or not. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 at this point what is the use of confronting your wife and her lover and telling the guy's wife? Just to inform them that you know? To start a fight? Your wife already told you it's over. Move on and rid yourself of these losers. Link to post Share on other sites
iceprincess Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 You should let her know that you know about her affair...and hint at the your "friend" that since your wife cheated on you, what's going to stop her from cheating on that "friend" with another guy? I say that you should move on and find out what your benefits are from a divorce, make sure she doesn't get half the things she says she should get from you! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 If you are interested in trying to save your marriage, then you need to do two things: 1) Tell OM's wife. Firstly, if you were her, you'd want to know. And, more importantly for you... if you still love your wife and want to save the marriage, you need OM's wife "on your side", working on her marriage and her husband at her end. An affair is much harder for them to continue once it's exposed to all concerned. 2) Confront your wife, and tell her that you've already informed OM's wife. That way your wife won't be able to talk you out of telling OM's wife because it'll be too late. This WILL piss off your wife (but only in the immediate term). And the marriage may end anyway. But by doing this, you have a better chance of killing the affair and rebuilding the marriage. If you're NOT, then I'd still consider telling OM's wife -- she deserves to know. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 I think you should confront your wife. Make her give you an explanation. She outta catch hell over this, don't just let her get away scott free. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 But by doing this, you have a better chance of killing the affair and rebuilding the marriage. Just out of curiosity: Why would he want to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Because some people believe in forever being forever. And forgiveness is attainable. Kudos to those who can do that...I can't say so for myself, but it's commendable for those who can. I think it happens more than you'd expect. People just make it work, sometimes for the family. And sometimes it still doesn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 IMHO, forgiving a person for cheating on you seems pathetic, not commendable. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Yeah, I'd let her know you know...AT THE COURT HEARING!!! Why spoil the surprise? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Cheating is pathetic. Forgiveness is commendable. Could you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Nope. If I had a wife and she cheated on me, I'd drop her sorry a$$. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 If I had a wife and she cheated on me, I'd drop her sorry a$$. I once thought the same thing. Until it happened to me. I'd always believed that, if I ever got cheated on, that would be it. Full stop, my bags are packed, I'm out of there. And a big ol' "f*ck you" on my way out the door. When I found out that it HAD happened to me, I didn't do that. Not initially, not without first trying to fix it. Never imagined that I'd have had any interest in trying to either repair a situation like that or forgive the woman that did it to me. Pathetic? Maybe at first. But after I got over my initial shock, I told TBXW that I would commit to working on the marriage if she would, but that I was not going to beg her to stay, because I had my pride. She decided after a couple of months that she didn't want to keep trying, so I moved out. And within ten days, she'd begged ME to try again. In my case it's moot since we're divorcing, and I haven't forgiven her and I don't know when or if I will. But the fact is, you can't know how you really feel until you've been through it yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Tanbark - I'd probably do the same. Some religions (and morals) would push for reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 SHE DOESN'T WANT TO RECONCILE!!!!! She wants a divorce and is leaving him! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 SCU, tankbark asked a question! We were trying to explain that some people do reconcile. I didn't recommend to the poster that he should reconcile! Read the post! I recommended to confront her. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 To reservoirdog1: The fact that reconciliation didn't work out kind of proves my point. That was just extra time and heartache wasted. I can't say I've never tried to work things out with a gf who cheated, but from personal experience it just doesn't work. Originally posted by tikibrandy Tanbark - I'd probably do the same. Some religions (and morals) would push for reconciliation. Funny, I thought religions and morals also pushed for fidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 But after infidelity a marriage is never again 100% repaired, I don't care what anyone says. Once that trust and bond has been broken it may be possible to repair it but it will always have scars. The person that was cheated on can get paranoid whenever something seems out of the ordinary. The person that cheated has to walk on pins and needles and be a good little pet. Or the person that cheated feels that got away with something and will do it again, because they realize that there spouse is needy and weak. Or the person that was cheated on becomes such a nit picking nag it drives the marriage into the ground. Infidelity is based on lies and deceit. How can you truly love someone and do that to them? You wouldn't if the love was true. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 fredrolin: I completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by tanbark813 Funny, I thought religions and morals also pushed for fidelity. I'm sure they DO. Tanbark, what I'm saying is that I probably could never forgive my cheating mate. Kudos to those that can, it's commendable. Dayum. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 tikibrandy: Fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Actually, I'm not sure I'm in disagreement with fredrolin or tanbark, but that's with the benefit of having now been through it. My point was simply that learning about the cheating doesn't necessarily spark the reaction you think it will... initially, the betrayed spouse is often in shock and will pretty much do anything to make the cheater stay. It's a common story... rationality pretty much goes out the window at first. For me, I had to go through a grieving process, and it took a couple of months. When TBXW told me after that period that she wanted to end it, I was ready to agree with her. I spent the next month moving out and convincing myself that I hated her, and by the time of my moving day, I was happier and more psyched than I'd been in months. In a lot of ways, I agree with what fred said... I'm not sure I'd ever totally trust her again, and I'd probably make her life miserable with my suspicion. I'd drive myself nuts every time she went out of town on "business" and thus make myself miserable. The thing I've reminded myself about many times is, "who wants to live like that?" Where one spouse is a cheat -- especially a serial cheat like my TBXW -- often it's best to cut your losses and find somebody better. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin Infidelity is based on lies and deceit. How can you truly love someone and do that to them? You wouldn't if the love was true. For a man of your....oh nevermind....this statement rocks. And for the record, loyal people ROCK too! Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 If you want to try and save things, take a look at marriagebuilders.com, there is also some good info there on dealing with the affair even if you don't want to stay married (don't think any sane person would blame for not). 2nd, consult a lawyer asap and get their opinion on confrontation as it may be best to wait until court time to spring things on her. Don't do anything rash yet, think things through but have your ducks in a row when/if you're ready to hit the D road. 3rd. Hire a PI and get solid evidence of her affair if you don't have it already. 4th. I'd tell the other guys wife eventually once you had concrete proof, especially if they're considered "friends" (with friends like that..who needs enemies!). Why let your wife and Other guy continue on in fantasy land? Ruin their fun. It also can help stop their affair once its out in the open. Hopefully you aren't in a no fault state and nail her ass to the wall in court for adultery. If not..sigh... Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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