The story of breaking up and regretting it.

[John Hammond]

Hello everyone. I'm not posting this story because I want to ask a question or debate, I just feel I have to share this with someone. And hopefully someone else can learn from my experience and apply it to his/her own life. It's a long post. Read only if you are interested in how one decision can change a lot of things in life.

 

Right now I am living a miserable life. On the surface, it's going pretty well though. I have a very promising career, caring and loving family and good friends to hang out with. I enjoy my hobbies, and have goals to accomplish. You could say that my future is bright. However, I hate myself. It is true that out of all people, it's hardest to forgive yourself.

 

I met this girl while I was in my teens. After a long period of friendship, we started a relationship. I was her first boyfriend. She wasn't the first girl I've been in a relationship with, but it was my first real relationship. We were young, and we experienced all those things you experience when you fall in love for the first time. All the enjoyment of getting to know new things about your significant other, enjoying time spent together, going on road trips. She loved me, cared for me and also respected me. Having such amount of respect and support from her, I started to respect myself even more. I did my best to take care of her and she was of course very grateful for that. I was never lonely, because I always had a person who will stand by me. She did things like buying gifts for my mother on holidays, writing poems for me and showing support whenever I had a stressful period. She did so much that sometimes I thought I wasn't keeping up well enough on my side. But I gave my best. We've met each other's families and my family liked her and vice versa.

 

It was a perfect relationship. And it was a very serious one for someone that young. While I was in a committed relationship, most of my friends weren't. I became very serious for my age, and I really wanted to be a man. By "being a man" I mean that I wanted to be responsible, someone who earns the respect of his partner and her family, someone who knows to contribute to the relationship. Someone you could trust and ask help from. Someone who doesn't think for one, but for two. And I did. I started to plan our future, always acted as a gentleman, and generally did everything to justify the respect my girlfriend and her family had for me. I was always there for her, and she was for me. But after a few years, things changed. I felt the relationship was giving me more and more "obligations", and I never knew to say "no". We usually went out once or twice a week. But when I didn't have time to go, I always noticed she was getting angry about it. She didn't show it, but it was there. I consider myself a responsible man who doesn't get drunk and do nonesense, I like to sometimes drink a beer with my friends. My girlfriend was always getting mad about this so I promised her I'd never drink again. It was unwillingly though. She was also angry because of some little things I did or didn't do. I won't post examples because from today's perspective they are really childish things. We started to run out of things to talk about. Since our colleges are drastically different, I couldn't really keep up with her stories, and neither could she with mine. She often sent me long SMS messages and, trying to keep up with equally interesting and loving responses, I started to run out of ideas. It really became a pain. What happened was that each time I received a long message from her, I rolled my eyes and said "Now I have to act amazed and touched again and come up with something equally interesting". The truth is that I wanted that relationship to succeed that much that I didn't have the courage to stand up and reject anything.

 

I had to spend every holiday with her, respond to messages daily, listen to her conversations about college I wasn't interested in, look at the same pictures of her cute baby cousin for many many times and give praises... Suddenly, so much has started to become expected of me - I needed to act I was happy about everything when in reality a lot of things were bothering me. And on the other side, I started to have dangerous "what if" thoughts. We were still young, but things like marriage, living together and kids already started to be planned out. I thought: Is this all I get from my "free" life? I finish my college, immediately get married and locked for life? Because that's what was going to happen. I started to miss the free days, the days when I could do whatever I wanted, and when I didn't have to answer to anybody. I started to feel like I was in a cage and I wanted to get out. Every morning I woke up, there was this feeling of having a huge rock on my shoulders, because there's another day when I have to do my best and be a loving partner. And then I started to think about break up. I didn't want to rush anything, so I thought about that for 2 painful months. I knew it was a decision that was going to change my life so I thought about it seriously. I realized that the sooner I do it the better. Because being with her for some more years to come would only make the break-up harder. Not to mention what would happen if we got married and had kids. I felt that I hadn't lived my life to the fullest, not just yet. I didn't feel ready for such committed relationship. I started thinking about living abroad, taking chances, pursuing other life goals - EVERYTHING but the relationship. Today I can say - I just met her too early in my life, when I was not mature and strong enough.

 

So I did it. I broke up with her. Needless to say, it was terrifying. I hurt her deeply but I knew I had to do it. She sent me a long letter filled with anger and disappointment. I isolated myself from her completely because I still cared for her and I knew that I could only hurt her more if I was close to her. I did feel a real relief though. I felt free, I felt like I got my life back. I was single for a while and then entered another relationship, out of curiosity really. This girl was the total opposite of my last relationship. Although she was very interesting to talk to and someone who you can't be bored with easily, she was cocky, not respectful and loud-mouthed. She didn't respect me a bit although she said she did. She was exotic in a way though, because her attitude was what attracted me. Everything in that relationship was different, we didn't meet as often as I did with my previous girlfriend, she'd often challenge me in discussions, while the previous one would only confirm whatever I said about a subject. The feeling that I had to fight for her attention was something that was attractive to me, because I had nothing to fight for in the previous one. Yes, it is as egoistical as it sounds. But I am aware of that now, and not afraid to admit it. However, the new relationship was a complete disaster. This girlfriend publicly humiliated me in front of my and her friends, she rarely ever had the time for me, and willingly made me jealous by always talking how she found other guys attractive. Unlike my previous girlfriend who praised every success I ever made, the new one did the opposite - she did her best to downgrade everything I ever achieved, making me feel unworthy. We hardly went out, sometimes once in two weeks. Although we both had much work to do, I always had time for her but she rarely had time for me. Everything was more important than me. I hope you realize the irony of all this - I broke up with a girl who treated me like a king only to end up with a girl who wants to be treated like a queen. She knew my weaknesses and constantly humiliated me, often in front of other people. I have never felt so small and insignificant in my life. Yet I still persevered, trying to fix this new doomed relationship and I always said to myself: "You earned this. This girl is everything the previous one wasn't, and you ran away from that one". So I endured, taking all the low blows and feeling totally insignificant, like a slave in a relationship where everything had to be the way she wanted. One day I was fed up with everything and broke up.

 

After that, I've been single for a long time. I haven't made any contact with my last girlfriend and probably never will, because it was a real pain being with her and leaving her was the best thing to do. She is not important in any way anymore. However, I can't stop thinking about the previous one, the first girlfriend. Yes, the irony of it all. It wasn't until now that I've realized what I had lost. Now she has a boyfriend and is probably in a very happy relationship. I, on the other hand, am single and can blame nobody but myself. I feel I've been so selfish, immature, hurting and downright egoistical to leave her and I deserve all that has happened to me since then. I think it's some kind of fate which needed to happen, and something needed to tell me: "So you were bored with a loving girlfriend? Have the complete opposite then to learn what you have lost". And I learned. I learned what I did, what I lost and what I could have had. Now I'm just depressed, because that girl is all I dream about. However, I do not hate her boyfriend. Although I've never met him, I have a great deal of respect for him, because he makes her happy. I'm not trying to make myself look good, I'm being genuinely honest right now. I respect that man, because he is doing right now what I couldn't back then. It is true that I was a good boyfriend and I never hurt my girlfriend but the sole act of leaving her was enough to scar her for life, because we were so close. It all ended though. Now I don't even want to do anything because I'm so ashamed of my past actions. I am ashamed of my immaturity, of my stupid decision. I know I can't do anything, because it was me who did all this. And I deserve to take the pain now, along with being labeled as the "bad guy", because I was the one who ruined that relationship. I feel as the bad guy, I accept that role. I know I lost her trust, and will never earn it back. It's truly a situation without a happy end - I don't want any other girlfriend other than her but I would never try to get her back because I know I don't deserve her anymore. As if she hasn't suffered enough. Now I find all the things that bothered me about her childish. I should have cope with that. I should have endured, and today we'd have been a very happy couple, because she would never break up with me. As I said, it's most difficult to forgive yourself. And I will never forgive myself. I deserve to be alone for leaving her. Sometimes I do wonder though. Is all this happening to me because she has found someone else who cares for her and I'm jealous? Is all this happening to me just because I miss being in a relationship? Is this happening to me because I found how good she was after being with a girl who's the total opposite? I guess I'll never know. All I can do is continue living, and regretting what I've done. Living as the bad guy who got what he deserved and admits it.

 

I'm sorry this took so long. I don't expect many to read this, but as I said, I had to share it with someone. Maybe you can learn from my mistakes.

[youngnlove89]

I read every single word. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. That's tough. There is that saying, "you lost the moon while counting the stars..."

 

How old are you now? How long has it been since you broke up?

 

Maybe she misses you too, maybe she wants you back...If not, then don't hold onto your mistake. Learn from it and realize what you have in your next relationship. Learn from your lesson.

[missunshine]

Well I read it and yes, it is pretty long but I am sure you had to tell us all of this. First, it's not like you deserved this. Nobody deserves anything. I do understand you when you said you felt like in a cage and you haven't really lived your youth to the fullest. And you are probably right. The biggest problem here is that the girl in your next relationship happened to be the totally opposite of your previous girlfriend, and I think that is the reason why you are feeling like you are feeling now. If it turned out a good relationship, you might have still be in it, or even if it didn't for some reason, it would have been a good experience and you would have moved on. The new relationship was just a bad luck. It doesn't mean you won't and can't find a girl that will love you and respect you just as the previous one without tying you up so much.

[siankat]

I honestly think that all of us make what we think is the best decision we can live with at the time.

It is easy now, after time and all that has happened has passed, to regret the choice made. But that was how you felt back then, and enough to end it with her. If you had stayed, you would have become bitter and imagined a fantasy life you could be living without her and i think that would have destroyed the relation between you two anyway.

 

Just because you broke up with someone does not make you deserving of unhappiness for the rest of your life.

[Chevuron]

Just because you broke up with her doesn't make you a "bad guy". What would make you a "bad guy" is if you broke up with her just to see her in pain and enjoyed when she was hurting. But, you didn't--You did what you felt was best at the time in order to help you grow and change. You might not have ever found it out if you stayed at the point.

 

Who's to say that your paths won't somehow cross again? Life is weird, strange and funny sometimes. There are still many loving and kind women out there. I don't think you should feel that you are completely undeserving of happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy and to enjoy the things in life.

 

Maybe you should just take a little break and get things together.

[travelonic]

It is easy now, after time and all that has happened has passed, to regret the choice made. But that was how you felt back then..

 

Of course - and now that somebody realizes how they acted back then, and have "snapped out of it" so to speak, OF COURSE it's gonna hit hard - that's part of the whole GIGS thing, being so disillusioned by that pursuit of greener grass.

[ginastar]

im curious how long it took you to regret breaking up? a year, 2 years, 5 years, etc?

[John Hammond]

You really opened my eyes... Thanks a lot to all of you for taking the time to read my story, and reply to it. I can't express how much I appreciate your opinions.

 

I didn't know about this T.G.I.G. syndrome, but after reading the related topic about it, it definitely hit the nail on the head. What happened to me was a prime example of that. I hope this story can help others to see what happens in T.G.I.G. dumper's head.

 

I read every single word. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. That's tough. There is that saying, "you lost the moon while counting the stars..."

 

How old are you now? How long has it been since you broke up?

 

Maybe she misses you too, maybe she wants you back...If not, then don't hold onto your mistake. Learn from it and realize what you have in your next relationship. Learn from your lesson.

 

I'm 24, and I broke up with her roughly 3 years ago. I've actually seen her (accidentally) for the first time in years a few days ago, and it was a very awkward meeting. We talked a bit about our lives, out of courtesy, and then split. Later I sent her a text message wishing her luck in life, and she responded the same. I had such a feeling of emptiness realizing that we used to send tons of messages to each other, and it has now come to this, almost "official" contact. But yes, it's a lesson to learn from.

 

Well I read it and yes, it is pretty long but I am sure you had to tell us all of this. First, it's not like you deserved this. Nobody deserves anything. I do understand you when you said you felt like in a cage and you haven't really lived your youth to the fullest. And you are probably right. The biggest problem here is that the girl in your next relationship happened to be the totally opposite of your previous girlfriend, and I think that is the reason why you are feeling like you are feeling now. If it turned out a good relationship, you might have still be in it, or even if it didn't for some reason, it would have been a good experience and you would have moved on. The new relationship was just a bad luck. It doesn't mean you won't and can't find a girl that will love you and respect you just as the previous one without tying you up so much.

 

Yes, that crossed my mind a lot of times. I keep trying to approve what I did with the thought that I had a different mindset back then. For "that me", it was the only reasonable thing to do. And I remember feeling guilty but relieved after I did it. But now I feel even more guilty by "replacing" her with a girl who wasn't half as good as she was. I find it insulting, doing such a thing to such a great person. She probably wondered what she did so wrong, to see me do that. But I guess that was the best lesson I could get.

 

I honestly think that all of us make what we think is the best decision we can live with at the time.

It is easy now, after time and all that has happened has passed, to regret the choice made. But that was how you felt back then, and enough to end it with her. If you had stayed, you would have become bitter and imagined a fantasy life you could be living without her and i think that would have destroyed the relation between you two anyway.

 

Just because you broke up with someone does not make you deserving of unhappiness for the rest of your life.

 

Your words are really helpful. That's exactly what I think, if I had stayed I'd never have been truly happy with what I've got. I read this post in the T.G.I.G. thread by homebrew which precisely describes my thoughts back then:

 

"Now had I stayed in that relationship out of a sense of loyalty or by not wanting to hurt her, which most people do. I would have grown to ultimately resent her by no fault of her doing. Our relationship would have suffered greatly and if someone (who eventually does) came around… I would have most likely self-destructed or sabotaged it for the simple fact that I was unable to do what needed to be done the correct way. That is right, I would have done what a lot of your ex’s did to you, cheat. Again this is coming from someone who despises cheaters (I have had it done to me several times)."

 

I couldn't have said it better - the relationship, or even marriage, could have been destroyed in a much more painful way.

 

Everything you say is true... There is just one problem with it.

 

After I was done "Sowing My Wild Oats" (G.I.G.S.)... It took me YEARS and YEARS and YEARS to find someone that "measured up" to an Ex I dumped due to G.I.G.S. when I was 23.

 

Settling wasn't an option for me.

 

Maybe the same is happening to me... I'm in love with the idea of the "perfect girlfriend" I had. Because right now, everything about her is perfect.

 

Just because you broke up with her doesn't make you a "bad guy". What would make you a "bad guy" is if you broke up with her just to see her in pain and enjoyed when she was hurting. But, you didn't--You did what you felt was best at the time in order to help you grow and change. You might not have ever found it out if you stayed at the point.

 

Who's to say that your paths won't somehow cross again? Life is weird, strange and funny sometimes. There are still many loving and kind women out there. I don't think you should feel that you are completely undeserving of happiness. Everyone deserves to be happy and to enjoy the things in life.

 

Maybe you should just take a little break and get things together.

 

I guess it's true... life is really weird and you never know what to expect. I am constantly trying to forgive myself and I've tried dozens of times to re-think everything in my head and realize it was the right thing to do. After that, I tell myself "You did what you thought was the best at the time". And then I think I have forgiven myself. But deep inside know I haven't. Not yet...

 

Of course - and now that somebody realizes how they acted back then, and have "snapped out of it" so to speak, OF COURSE it's gonna hit hard - that's part of the whole GIGS thing, being so disillusioned by that pursuit of greener grass.

 

Yes, and for me it's coming now because I didn't have time to think about it back then. After breaking up with my 1st girlfriend, I entered a second relationship only a couple of months later. That's why it hit me so hard when I was left alone and realized what I had done.

 

 

Thank you all again for your comments. You have been very helpful.

[John Hammond]

True but it's more than that.

 

The person with G.I.G.S. has NO PERSPECTIVE whatsoever or any real Dating / Relationship Experience aside from the person they just dumped.

 

My friends and I thought that women like our G.I.G.S. Exes grew on trees and easily replaced when we were done "Sowing Our Wild Oats". We all thought you just flip a switch and would have no problem finding another one like our G.I.G.S. Exes or better.

 

For YEARS we "Sowed Our Wild Oats" and didn't have a care or concern in the world or any idea what a stupid decision me made and what the consequences of those choices meant.

 

It was only after we finished "Sowing Our Wild Oats" (which lasted YEARS), wanting something "more", to settle down, open to marriage, etc. that we realized what a terrible mistake that we made.

 

We were all SHOCKED and could not believe that we couldn't find someone that "measured up" to our G.I.G.S. Exes. After many, many failures in trying find someone like them... Everyone of us tried to go back to G.I.G.S. Exes. Some got back together (they later married) and the rest of us were unsuccessful because our G.I.G.S. Exes didn't want us back or met someone else.

 

G.I.G.S. Dumpers do not understand, know, care or have any concept of what they had with you and what they walked away. What makes it worse, they don't deal with / see / experience the consequences of their decision / actions for many many YEARS.

 

I can confirm that all of this is correct. Especially the "growing on trees" part.

[siankat]

Everything you say is true... There is just one problem with it.

 

After I was done "Sowing My Wild Oats" (G.I.G.S.)... It took me YEARS and YEARS and YEARS to find someone that "measured up" to an Ex I dumped due to G.I.G.S. when I was 23.

 

Settling wasn't an option for me.

 

 

 

 

Glad to hear it. No one gets someone 100% perfect for them but a lot of ppl settle TOO much and then stay way longer than intended. I'd rather spend time on other things than betting on what i already believe is a 3 legged horse.

[siankat]

I can confirm that all of this is correct. Especially the "growing on trees" part.

 

 

Really? Years? i know my ex won't be able to find someone like me (won't go into the dynamics or details but i believe this).

 

Can i ask your opinion on something John and C.T. (why the name by the way?

[siankat]

What's the difference between someone who has gigs and someone who is just ...and always will be....a bit of a player, or someone who can't remain monogamous? I find it hard to see the difference behind the desire that motivates what each does

[John Hammond]

What's the difference between someone who has gigs and someone who is just ...and always will be....a bit of a player, or someone who can't remain monogamous? I find it hard to see the difference behind the desire that motivates what each does

 

This is only my opinion. Someone who has G.I.G.S. will be a good, loving partner for a long time (especially if it's his/her first serious relationship) and you will hardly notice any change about him/her before the break-up, or maybe 1-2 months before break-up. I think a "player" is more predictable, doesn't stay in a relationship for so long as the G.I.G.S. person and gives more clues. I couldn't tell for sure though.

 

However, I think even most people who you call "players" settle once in their life, I wouldn't say they can't remain monogamous... It's just a matter of time they realize what they truly want.

[siankat]

i think so too. Thanks