i'm scared of the unknown future

[NatoPMT]

I’ve been falling in and out of feeling non-specific anxiety in cycles for the last couple of months. It’s a year since I started posting on LS and so, so much has happened to me in that time. One year ago I was a total mess emotionally, financially and career wise. I have left magazine publishing and now work in the public sector, I split from my bf and now am with someone new, I spent all my time in a totally different geographical area and I have a whole new social circle. Everything has worked out for the best, but the emotions of the last 12 months have left me feeling like I have no control over my life – if things can change that much in a year – what on earth will be happening to me this time next year? I feel I have no security. Everything that’s happened has turned out almost perfect, I am much happier, but its not by my own choice – I didn’t plan this.

Horrible things happened, I lost my ex but found someone who is making me so much more happy, I lost my job but found one that’s more enjoyable, I live in a nicer area – but its all just me falling on my feet and winging it.

 

If something happens again, I’m not sure I can pull it off to my advantage again. I’m not sure I can do everything that’s needed to keep my partner happy and in love with me, I don’t know what I would do if I lost this job (I don’t have a contract) and I don’t know how to sort my house out as I don’t have enough cash coming in. I feel like all the balls are in the air and if I drop one I will prob be ok, I usually am, it might just be the one that makes it all crumble & the thought of ‘this time next year’ is scaring me sh*tless.

 

Last August when things were going wrong, I wondered to myself where I would be in 1 year, I am scared to ask myself that again.

 

Is this normal? Is it a reaction to a turbulent unexpected sequence of events? Will it go away on its own? When I think about all this I start getting irregular heartbeats. Does anyone else have this fear of what will happen next and how do you cope with it?

 

BB

[EC]

Yeah I do..but i try not to think about it. I was like you..constantly worrying about the future and where I was going to be and where I was going to be working..and who would I be with..

 

It's scary and yet you can't continue to put yourself through that or you won't ever be happy. You will never enjoy the moment and take the present time for all it's worth.

 

How do you fix it? Well unfortunately for me like I had posted before I had 2 near death experiences that changed my view on life in the blink of an eye. I don't think I will ever be the same. I learned to stop worrying..that life works out..and to enjoy the little things in life because you never know when it can be taken away.

 

Like you posted everything is going extremely well for you. New job, new man...ENJOY IT! Live it up..lavish in it..it could be gone tomorrow and if your constantly worrying about it you'll never be happy...

 

I wish I could to tell you more but it's so hard to type so much lol...I wish LS had a DIAL-IN for advice lol..imagine that?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Geez, Belm! How about giving yourself a little credit here?

 

This is how I interpret it:

 

Everything that’s happened has turned out almost perfect, I am much happier, but its not by my own choice – I didn’t plan this.

 

Well. Not exactly. You did make some choices which ultimately led to your happiness. As a matter of fact, you were ENTIRELY responsible for being where you are right now!

 

I lost my ex but found someone who is making me so much more happy

 

You chose to be with that "someone" just as much as he chose to be with you. And the choice to remain in this new relationship or move on will always be your "choice" as well.

 

I lost my job but found one that’s more enjoyable

 

Yes! Someone who not only knows how to roll with the punches, but can pick herself up and turn lemons into lemonade! Remember---Not only did your employer see something worth while in you, but you're ultimately the one who made the "choice" to accept the position. You could have just as easily decided to go somewhere else.

 

I live in a nicer area – but its all just me falling on my feet and winging it.

 

No such thing as just "winging it" for you! You're 'flying' because you have a d*mn good head on your shoulders. People make their own luck…good or bad. It's you're ability to make quick decisions and good judgment calls. When you see an opportunity, you make the best of it. You are in complete and total control of your life and you EARNED every bit of that happiness you're enjoying now.

 

If something happens again, I’m not sure I can pull it off to my advantage again.

 

Oh, YES you will! You're a survivor, not a victim of circumstance.

 

I’m not sure I can do everything that’s needed to keep my partner happy and in love with me, I don’t know what I would do if I lost this job (I don’t have a contract) and I don’t know how to sort my house out as I don’t have enough cash coming in. I feel like all the balls are in the air and if I drop one I will prob be ok, I usually am, it might just be the one that makes it all crumble & the thought of ‘this time next year’ is scaring me sh*tless.

 

Relax and focus on tackling one thing at a time rather then stressing out about things that haven't even happened yet. One day at a time, Belm! Learn to enjoy this "peaceful" moment in your life. They come so rarely that you risk loosing the joy if you continue to keep looking back over your shoulder. You deserve this after all you've been through, don't you think?

 

Last August when things were going wrong, I wondered to myself where I would be in 1 year, I am scared to ask myself that again.

 

Is this normal? Is it a reaction to a turbulent unexpected sequence of events? Will it go away on its own? When I think about all this I start getting irregular heartbeats. Does anyone else have this fear of what will happen next and how do you cope with it?

 

There is always some anxiety when we can't see what waits around the corner. But the more skilled we are at overcoming life's adversities, the more self confident we become. Eventually we realize there is nothing we can't tackle and that: "this too, shall pass."

 

Personally, I cope by reflecting back to where I've been compared to how far I've come. My partner calls it "taking inventory" of our lives. It not only helps you to appreciate the simple joys and accomplishments, but makes you more aware of how those little bumps in the road where necessary "lessons" to help you achieve and recognize your full potential. After all, without experiencing the bad we would never learn to fully appreciate the good. We would have no point of reference.

 

I'm so HAPPY for you! Now, if only there was some way to convince you that you are allowed to be "happy" for yourself.

[NatoPMT]

Thanks girls – thank you thank you thank you. I think that the reason for me being unsettled is its just been the 1 year mark since my whole life changed beyond recognition – I think the inventory Enigma speaks of has aided my flying into a painc. I have been looking back and remembering the struggle it has been to get here, and everything I needed to do to get where I am. It took so much soul searching and it hurt, really hurt. I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person, I enjoy a non-committal, exciting life, but I have lapses in self-confidence. Its been said to me many times that I ‘have the luck of the devil’, and I do, things land in my lap. I will admit that my good relationship is no co-incidence, he landed right in front of me but I have worked damn hard to make things good and to behave properly.

 

I had 2 near death experiences that changed my view on life in the blink of an eye

 

I will read back to find out more about this Eternally

 

enjoy the little things in life because you never know when it can be taken away

 

this is what I am scared of, I don’t know when it could be taken away. The changes in my own outlook have made me appreciate what I do have, I didn’t understand the importance of all the good things in my life, now I understand what it means, I understand what it is for it to fall apart. I have a LOT more than most, I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am, I am currently grateful to the point of being fearful.

 

The ridiculous thing is that I know I could survive another year like this – I can, I can do anything I want to, but I don’t want to survive another year like this – weirdly its been the best year of my life. I am on the point of freaking out big time I think. I cant stand the intensity of it – I don’t know if I am a natural risk taker or not, I don’t know if I am an optimist or a pessimist, I don’t know if I am intelligent or stupid (I think I am both actually), I don’t know if its all my own making or a bizarre sequence of events. I have an absurd duality to me that I sometimes laugh at, that I sometimes don’t think exists, that sometimes freaks me out.

 

When I read what Enigma said, It made me think I am doing brilliantly and I should shut my beaking. But then I KNOW that it wasn’t quite like that, and I always feel there’s only a few flashes of genius left in me so I cant use them all up too quickly. I wont even admit to myself the incorrect things that I have done that have created this good situation I am in – I feel like I am on a timer, and soon I will turn back into a pumpkin.

 

In that case, there’s only one thing for me to do. Now I am in this great situation, I should behave from now on as I should have done to get here ‘legitimately’.

 

‘There is always some anxiety when we can't see what waits around the corner’

 

I need to have more direction and then I have a better idea of what’s coming. I have felt this before, that I will do things I know I should do – be more work focussed, be less flaky, be more communicative with my feelings – I always slip back into the easy way of doing things, path of least resistance and that’s when I end up feeling a fraud and like I could lose the lot. But I HAVE done a lot to get here as well – see, that duality, I can’t make my mind up. I am rambling, I say contradictory things, I know I do. I will shut my beak.

 

Thanks E & E - I don’t feel as anxious and I feel a bit clearer about what I need to do

 

ps - the 'geez belm' made me laugh - a 'belm' in the north of england is a lie. i have only just got the irony of what i have called myself.

[moimeme]

I always feel there’s only a few flashes of genius left in me so I cant use them all up too quickly

 

Well, there's your problem. That's completely unrealistic. It's not as though you're a battery that can lose a charge. You have the same resiliency, the same strengths, the same abilities you've always had. They won't go away because they're part of you. You bounced back spectacularly from the last trouble and you will from the next.

 

I can do anything I want to, but I don’t want to survive another year like this

 

Oh, I know that feeling well. But you will, if you have to, and another year, and some more besides. We are always stronger than we think. And even if you do just scrape by by the skin of your teeth sometimes, it shows that you can always pull it out of the hat.

 

It is possible that someplace deep down you don't believe you 'deserve' to be happy and you might want to examine that. Or you're suffering excess anxiety over the future as part of the non-specific anxiety. Have you seen anybody about this?

 

You have to accept that life will be what it will be. You absolutely can go through - and survive - whatever comes. As a good friend always says 'it's way better than the alternative'. So relax and bask in the good things of life. Instead of wasting your brain on worrying about the future, use it to store up memories of the present so that you can enjoy them at your leisure even if bad things befall. Think how lucky you are to still be alive and to be having all these great experiences and treasure every one as a gift. It's a much better expenditure of brainpower

[loveregardless]

Having spoken with you before on forums about reincarnation/karma, etc. I assume that you are rather open minded..based on that assumption I would like to make a few suggestions. Do some reading on practicing "detachment", yogajournal.com has lots of great articles on the subject. Also you have to realize that the only thing that you are ever going to be sure of is "change." From the passing of a moment to the growth of a child, to the length of your hair and the color of the sky, everything is constantly in motion and constantly changing, nothing is ever real but the now, the very moment that you are experiencing as we speak, and after than nothing is assured except that it will not be the same moment ever again. This can be frightening if you try to ignore its truth or work around its inevitability, once you accept it and learn through "detachment" that what will be will be, you can find a center of calm for yourself and your life. Meditation of course is necessary, prayer, etc.

Also faith...faith that at all times, regardless of the specifics, regardless of the who, what,when, or where...the "why" remains the same. The purpose remains the same. The goal remains the same. To live, to love, to learn, and then to die and return from where it is we came. Not in the tragic sense of the word, not in the morbid physical sense of the word, but in the sense of the word in which all "things" cease, and reality begins.

you are a very caring and deep spirit BigBelm, that is evident in every post of your I have ever read of yours. I would not be so concerned with the frivolous exterior, for your interior is on the right path...you will find your center, you will find your peace...it is a long and winding road this "life"...but I have faith in you. You will not die an unlived life.

 

Can everyone tell that I'm spiritual calm girl today?!

[faux]

I do not worry about the future. The future is never certain, as even the sun may fail to set tonight. Do the best that you can to maintain a comfortable life, and remember that for as long as you have been alive, you have been doing so every moment of each day. In essence, you really do not have to do anything different. Something great may happen at some point in your future, and some horrible things may happen as well. You deal with those things when they occur to the best of your ability; such is life.

[NatoPMT]

Thanks for responding merry

 

‘It's not as though you're a battery that can lose a charge. You have the same resiliency, the same strengths, the same abilities you've always had.’

 

Historically, I have only ever managed to pull something out of the bag once or twice before I get a writers block on it. Maybe it’s my lack of dedication that’s caused the ‘block’ and I have just viewed it incorrectly thinking ‘if its not easy I won’t bother’. It’s my attitude that needs to be adjusted there I think. That’s something I can deal with myself.

 

someplace deep down you don't believe you 'deserve' to be happy

 

I think that was at the base of my problems when I used to behave badly and have huge insecurities and friendship/relationship difficulties. I thought maybe I had dealt with it and moved on, but maybe I havent and its manifesting itself in different behaviour so I don’t recognise the cause? Is that a possibility? I need to think about that a bit more, I don’t know if I do still feel that way, I haven’t even thought about it since this time last year as I thought id left it behind me.

 

you're suffering excess anxiety over the future as part of the non-specific anxiety

 

definitely doing that – but it comes and goes, usually goes but its coming up a bit more cyclically these days. I’m trying to think what knocks it out of me and puts me on the upswing.

 

Have you seen anybody about this?

 

No, never. My friend who is an alcoholic and in AA says I ‘self-counsel’, but I have only been able to do this recently.

 

I know I have to be thankful for what I have and not sabotage my life – this is part of my process with LS, it stops me doing rash things and seeking reassurance where I have no business to seek it. In the past Id have put this on my relationship and that’s the wrong place for it to be, but now I worry I am holding too much back and my bf doesn’t know what goes on in my head. I don’t know how to express this effectively outside LS, I am not great at communicating verbally if I don’t feel 100% comfortable – its all in the written word for me, always has been. He might reject me if he knows about things like this. The friends I live with are typical boys and respond with ‘don’t be ridiculous’. I need to call my AA friend tonight.

 

I keep thinking of the worse case senarios and what I would do to get myself out of them. If my relationship went wrong, if my job crashes and burns, but the anxiety is because I don’t know what I could do if these things mess up, I feel I’ve used all my get out of jail cards. Just getting it out on paper is making things less uneasy.

 

Loveregardless – Thanks for pointing out my thread on past lives. You have just made me link the 2, I started that thread because I feel anxious that I will go through this again. Anxious about even future lives (oh dear lord, I sound bonkers) & that I might meet my ex in other ways and have to go through the same trauma.

 

I’ll have a look at that link and at detachment – it’s a good suggestion because the faith element is where I was when I felt secure in living in the moment. I had faith that everything would be fine and even if it wasn’t, it would be so I would better myself and get to where I needed to be. These feelings I had a year ago, of abandonment, rejection, failure, lonliness have crept up on me, I wasn’t expecting them. Thanks for reminding me.

 

Your post touched me, thanks, I appreciate it. You spiritual girl you.

 

Faux - thanks and i know thats right, i know it. and i know i will believe it at some point, i just cant make myself have faith in it at the moment.

[loveregardless]

my answer to all is to read. whatevever it is in your life that you are struggling with, somewhere, someone wrote about it and it is there waiting to be found by those who are in need. also reading about spirituality and philosophy in general provides a wonderful perspective to go from and a wonderful sense of positivity in your life. it is only in the last few centuries that we became so concerned with the phsyciality of this life, so much with the material and commerical...all great sages of the past have something to teach us about the latter...also I recommend doing a lot of reading about psychology and learning to be your own therpist...seeing a therapist is very helpful, but unless you plan on seeing them everyday for your entire life you must learn to do the same for yourself... I know what it feels like to fear so much, to have so much anxiety and worry and pain inside, I know what its like to feel helpless, hopeless and lost, and it is only in the last year that I have arrived at the point where I am now. I still have all of those feelings, it is learning how to accept these feelings and how to manage these feelings in the most productive way that has been most helpful. I already reccomended the yogajournal web site....which has the most amazing collection of inciteful articles with helpful tips for applying occult principles in simple ways to your life. Another great source of information is the sacred-texts.com which has a great compilation of knowledge from sacred texts from all over the world and all through time...it even has an entire copy of the book I mentioned in another post, The Secret Teachings of All Ages which is just AMAZING and I highly reccommend to anyone interested. If for any reason you would like to talk personally BigBelm just let me know. I try to avoid getting to in depth about anything on these posts so as to not annoy the uninterested who think I'm crazy...but if your interested just let me know.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

[NatoPMT]

Thanks LR, all the advice you have given me is what I have been doing myself for the last year, I know it works for me but I have lost my way a bit and need to refind it. I manage to keep my thinking straight by reading – and I have managed to avoid the need to see a counsellor by doing this – by constantly reminding myself the right way to think. It can be a struggle sometimes, it’s necessary for me to do this every day. I don’t know if I will have to do this every day for the rest of my life but I doubt it, when I have relapses like this I feel its going to be forever. I do know that I am a million times better balanced than I have been at any time in my life and I a proud of how far I have come. Thanks for the links, am going to have a look at those at lunchtime. I’ll pm you with my thoughts on it

 

To all - Last night I did a bit of thinking and had a bit of a wobble with my bf, he feels identical to me in that he’s fearful of going through trauma – we tend to react in exactly the same ways. He’s also got the massive weight of a bereavement to cope with and is very protective of his heart. We talked about it and I cemented in my mind that I could be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would make him more nervous, I wouldn’t portray confidence at work, I am not believing in myself after going through a period that should give me the ability to have faith in myself and in the universe as you have all pointed out. I am a little concerned that I am placing too much on my relationship, I was for the first time in my life just becoming happy being single before we met and now I wouldn’t be this happy without him. I think I need a little more time on my own to reacquaint me with myself.

 

Every single comment has been really valuable to me you guys – you can rest assured that you have actually helped me steer myself back to the right track.

 

BB - Feeling a bit less hysterical

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am a little concerned that I am placing too much on my relationship, I was for the first time in my life just becoming happy being single before we met and now I wouldn’t be this happy without him. I think I need a little more time on my own to reacquaint me with myself.

 

Curious, Belm, about what you mean about "placing too much on my relationship." Are you worried you might become too attached? Perhaps emotionally dependant upon him?

 

I think I might be able to share my own personal insight and/or experience with this. But I want to make sure I'm understanding exactly what you mean first.

[NatoPMT]

Hi enigma –There’s a few things I meant. I meant that its not my bf’s responsibility to keep me happy, its my responsibility, I should be happy without him first but now I know I wouldn’t be. If I feel dependant on my relationship to keep me this happy, it places inappropriate weight on the relationship because I know see him as my reason for being happy. That’s where the fear comes in – I’m scared that he will buckle under the responsibility of keeping me happy (I have reason to believe if I am not happy, that will hurt him immensely, he will feel he has failed as my partner), I am scared that if it goes wrong I wont be able to be this happy again, so if I sabotage things now, it will save me pain in the future, save him being hurt, like its all too much – getting it right is too hard. He feels the same I think. I feel I have lost that control over my own contentment if I get too happy with his company and being his partner. Then I have lost control. Its easier to remain unattached, but I know fine well what we have is amazing, and I don’t want to lose it, or lose him so I need to be able to deal with this. The only way I know how to deal with it is slow down, and hold back until I am more sure that we are going to work. That’s sabotaging things in itself, I know he feels me holding back and that in turn makes him feel he’s failing at keeping me happy.

 

I think its pretty much what you were referring to, but even if its not, id like to hear your personal insight to your experience

 

Erk. BB.

[EC]

The only way I know how to deal with it is slow down, and hold back until I am more sure that we are going to work.

 

 

no no no!!! Why? I don't understand that...Sure there's a risk of getting hurt and all that but you cannot live life like that...Holding back for what?

 

Finding someone else that makes you happy is one of the best feelings in the world and you are supposed to embrace it not run from it...Enjoy it to the fullest if in the end it doesn't work out and your hurt so what? You felt what some people never feel in a LIFETIME!! Some people don't even get their first kiss...And you want to holdback???

 

If you hold back then your already like you said sabotaging things..you won't know if the relationship is not working because you just don't match or because your holding back...

 

ENJOY your happiness..be selfish...love him like he loves you...

 

I know it's scary andyou picture your life without him and it's devastating so more reason to not holdback and live your life....

I want to say more but I hate the typing thing...ahh..

 

I think your overanalyzing everything and you cannot enjoy life like that and you will never be happy if your not living in the present and living in the "what if" because the "what if" is just that...it's not real and you don't know if it will happen or not...enjoy the present...

[loveregardless]

I agree with EC...there is no reason for you to sabatoge your relationship with him because of your fear of the future...what a waste. If right now you two are happy and in love why would you want that to end just because you are afraid that it might one day...what if it doesn't but you ahev driven him away by doubting him and making him loose faith in the relationship because of your lack of faith. Do you see what I'm getting at here? That is a vicious cycle to start and with that additude the two of you will end and then where will you be? there is nothing wrong with loving someone with all of your heart and knowing that if that love was gone that it would break your heart, why would you want to be in a relationship that was any less? what would the satisfaction of that be? no no no no..i think you are worrying yourself to extremes and way overanalyzing the situation. You don't need to come up with some extreme plan of action for any reason...just calm down and let what will come-come. and the deal with the emotions and the situations that each day presents to you. you cannot control what happens in life, you can only control your reactions...and by reactions it doesn't mean an extreme plan of action, sometimes it means just taking a deep breath and letting yourself "be"

[EC]

and by reactions it doesn't mean an extreme plan of action, sometimes it means just taking a deep breath and letting yourself "be"

 

Yoga! lol

 

I agree completely!

[NatoPMT]

Hear what you are saying Eternally, and I know its dangerously close to, if not smack bang in the middle of commitment phobia.

 

Sure there's a risk of getting hurt and all that but you cannot live life like that...Holding back for what?

 

For not going through this time last year again.

 

At the time, I thought I had this nailed, I thought if I can get through this, I can get through anything, I had a funny spell of a few months where I was totally do-lalley, intent on having fun, dead set on kicking up my heels. The last year, I have not been scared of anything, I even didn’t fear death. This was my ‘goal’ in getting through the break up. To live my life without fear or regret. I felt invincible, almost like I should have as a child but I spent my childhood being scared of everything so my liberation was quite pronounced – it was the first time id felt freedom from fear.

 

So what the @*&% went wrong?

 

Not sure. Reality I think. My bf has told me some things that I have read up on and now understand to be commitment phobia, and now I seem to have it too. But I am determined that this is to be temporary. If I can take away anything from this its that things are constantly changing, so I will change this myself the way I want it to be. I am going outside my comfort zone, pass me my water pistol. And I am going to drag him with me, if I am going down so is he.

 

My bf and I are very reserved, almost detached from emotion. Both know how the other feels, but we don’t express it. I have just sent him this text:

 

I am more in love with you than I know what to do with, I have never felt more sure of anything. You make me extremely happy and I adore you my gorgeous drake.

 

That’ll scare the bejeezus out of him. Ha.

 

Now I have to work out how to say things to his face and not hide behind my mobile phone. Keep bullying me

[loveregardless]

ok well you seriously need to read every article on yoga journal.com...there are lots of different areas to seacrh in though so be sure and look everywhere...under the links wisdom and views and then wherever that takes you you will see luminaries and some other words, click on all those too...I'm telling you they have a huge archive of articles...and the main reason why I think you should read them...all...is because a great deal of them are about how to deal with different emotions positively and effectively. and also how to EXPRESS certain emotions, like love, and inderstand them in a deeper sense. I see that you have a new issue to be discussed this morning...that is that you have a difficult time (as apparently does your SO) with expressing your emotions...this can be a great deal of the cause of your problems right now because if your emotions/fears/ideas/thoughts, etc. are not expressed in the right ways it can lead to all sorts of malfunctions...escpecailly when it comes to you and your SO expressing your feelings for one another. Do not be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve...do not be afraid to be honest with yourself and with your SO...FEAR seems to be the greatest of all of your hurdles to overcome...I wish I knew something less cliche to say but "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" but its true. There is also a great article on that site about fear....I have a printed copy of every article on the entire sit because they are just simply the most inciteful and realistic approaches to your life that I have ever encountered...the people who write for this magazine have a real concern for and connection to their readers...you don't necessarily have to do yoga to appreciate that. (its always a great practice to start however...you'd be surprised what it can do for you) Anyway...we're gonna get you through this Belmmy my dear...ready or not... here we go...hold on tight...lifes a blast...better watch out...

Thats a quote I know I hijacked from someone...I just left out the ass kickin' part. We'll see though, we might have to apply that as well!

[moimeme]

I’m trying to think what knocks it out of me and puts me on the upswing.

 

Here's the thing. We are chemical creatures. And our chemistry can be easily unbalanced. Yes, if we have a continual problem with something like insecurity, it's probably due to some underlying psychological cause that you have to dig up and deal with. However, IMHO, if you change - if you start worrying about things you never worried about or find yourself in any other way feeling different from how you used to feel, that's your chemicals.

 

It is natural for us to look for underlying psychological causes or for external causes of our distress or anxiety but it could just be that you feel the way you feel because your chemicals have changed somehow. Since humans need to find solutions, they blame themselves, life, their partners, etc. for their feelings when the only blame lies in the bunged-up chemicals. And when you really realize that, all of a sudden the moods are not nearly as upsetting because you can do something about them.

 

I should be happy without him first but now I know I wouldn’t be.

 

Well what kind of a zombie would you be if you'd be perfectly happy without him? That would be inhuman.

 

If I feel dependant on my relationship to keep me this happy, it places inappropriate weight on the relationship because I know see him as my reason for being happy.

 

Or maybe you're just attibuting your happiness inappropriately. Again, we look for causes when there may be no cause at all.

 

That’s where the fear comes in – I’m scared that he will buckle under the responsibility of keeping me happy (I have reason to believe if I am not happy, that will hurt him immensely, he will feel he has failed as my partner)

 

There's no reason he should think that he could be the sole reason for your happiness or unhappiness. Nor is he.

 

I am scared that if it goes wrong I wont be able to be this happy again, so if I sabotage things now, it will save me pain in the future, save him being hurt, like its all too much – getting it right is too hard. He feels the same I think. I feel I have lost that control over my own contentment if I get too happy with his company and being his partner.

 

So? Yes, it hurts if you lose someone. That's life. You can't live your life chickening out of hurt. The fact is this - it's already too late. No matter what happens, if you lose him, you're going to hurt like hell. The die has been cast and can't be called back, so you might as well dive right in and enjoy it to the fullest. You can't go back - it's an illusion. And, in fact, if you were to lose him because of your own fears, you'd feel even worse because you would be the instigator of your own pain.

 

The genie's out of the bottle, BB. Go with it with all your heart or regret never having lived.

 

Remember: "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived".

 

Then I have lost control. Its easier to remain unattached,

 

Hah! You aren't unattached. And what's so great about 'control'? There's no great stories about people who refused love in order to not lose 'control'. That's not what life is about and it's certainly not what humans are here for.

 

The only way I know how to deal with it is slow down, and hold back until I am more sure that we are going to work. That’s sabotaging things in itself, I know he feels me holding back and that in turn makes him feel he’s failing at keeping me happy.

 

No. The way to deal with this is to put your heart and soul into making it the best relationship possible, which means NOT holding back.

[NatoPMT]

ps when i said 'going slow', i meant not discussing moving in together or where we are going. not having expectations about where we are going until we are sure we are compatible. I do think we are, but we have to get through all this before those sort of thoughts come into it

[loveregardless]

is that by your suggestion that our problems are chemical that you might be inferring that medications should be used. I don't know this for sure because you didn't actually say that but if that is ins ome way meant to be implied then I must disagree. Medications should always be a last resort. I have a chemical disorder...as do most people from time to time depending on stress levels and endocrine levels and all that good stuff..but mind over matter is always possible. It is an extreme daily struggle as Belm was speaking of before...for me it is a struggle that will continue every day for the rest of my life...but it is possible...it is always possible. it just depends on how much time you are willing to spend really getting to know yourself and figuring yourself and the way we as people work...

[EnigmaXOXO]

its not my bf’s responsibility to keep me happy, its my responsibility, I should be happy without him first but now I know I wouldn’t be.

 

True. But we're speaking about two different kinds of "happiness" here. There's personal satisfaction and then there's relationship contentment. While your boyfriend isn't responsible for fulfilling ALL your needs (such as -- contentment with career/lifestyle; extracurricular activities/personal expression; financial security/independence) he is responsible for his half of the relationship equation. You both are.

 

If I feel dependant on my relationship to keep me this happy, it places inappropriate weight on the relationship because I know see him as my reason for being happy.

 

If you were happy before this relationship, than the joy you feel with this new partner has only enhanced your life for the better. That's what healthy relationships AND friendships are supposed to do. They add to our life, rather than detract from it. True, with any relationship there always comes a risk that things may eventually end. Pain and temporary unhappiness is sure to follow. But as long as the rest of your life is still intact, as long as your emotional and financial safety nets remain in place, you will only land right back where you started. Compromise without sacrifice is KEY. The burden will not fall to any one person's shoulders so long as you both contribute equal effort to enjoy and nurture those positive aspects of your relationship. Every now and then, one may have to lean on the other a little bit more, but as long as you are both careful to reciprocate you'll be able to maintain a fair balance.

 

That’s where the fear comes in – I’m scared that he will buckle under the responsibility of keeping me happy (I have reason to believe if I am not happy, that will hurt him immensely, he will feel he has failed as my partner).

 

Then don't ask it of him. Instead, ask only for his friendship, support and understanding. If something has you down, then communicate openly. Reassure him when the crisis has nothing to do with him. Instead, ask for his feedback and advice, and try to work together as a team to find alternative solutions. This helps to build trust, mutual respect and intimacy, while strengthening those emotional bonds. Go slow. Go slow.

 

I am scared that if it goes wrong I wont be able to be this happy again, so if I sabotage things now, it will save me pain in the future, save him being hurt, like its all too much – getting it right is too hard. He feels the same I think.

 

Been there. Tried that. Doesn't work.

 

Like you, once I had come out of my fifteen year marriage I was scared to ever commit myself to another man again. I had gone about the arduous process of healing my pain and reinventing myself as a single, independent female. It took two years, but I was happier at that time in my life than I've ever been before. I thought I knew myself well enough to understand that I fail to thrive as an individual when in a relationship. I become too comfortable. Too complacent. I have a tendency to focus all my time, attention and energy on my partner sacrificing my own personal growth to ensure that my partner's "wants" and "needs" were met before my own. My mother had taught me well.

 

I dated a lot of men during that time, but like you, I was looking for reasons (or excuses) to "sabotage" or end the relationship the minute I felt I was becoming too emotionally invested. At the first sign of the tiniest flaw, the slightest inkling that I got that something was "off" --- I'd bail out and run the other way. Relationships required too much d*mn work, and I wasn't about to ever go there again.

 

Well, this worked brilliantly for a while---until I met someone I couldn't resist. Believe me, I tried like heck to pull myself away and found good reason to call the relationship off several times. I had even sold my home and was in the middle of moving cross country looking for a fresh new start.

 

In order to even BEGIN the process of getting to know this man, I had to cancel all my plans at the very last minute and put everything on hold. I wasn't even certain there was any 'real' potential since we both had so many issues to work through. And believe me, he was just as hesitant and gun-shy as I was. Having been hurt so many times in the past, he wasn't sure if he was ready to lay his heart on the line for another woman again. We both made costly compromises and were scared to death of each other for about a year.

 

That was five years ago, Belm. In that time, there hasn't been one day of regret or looking back. As happy as I was before meeting him, I'm at the top of the world now. I never figured it was even possible that things could get any better than they already were. If either of us had run (like we wanted to) then I would never have experienced the joy of knowing him. I may have spent the rest of my life wondering about that man who seemed to wonderful to be true and my pain would have been my regret.

 

Am I still afraid of getting my heart broken like you? Absolutely! But would I give up the happiness I've experienced these past five years to avoid that pain? Absolutely not. I would consider it a fair trade for all the new lessons it brought me about love, relationships and life. Although my heart would suffer dearly, I know I have survived the pain before and could move on rebuild my life again. If I was strong enough to do it once, I can certainly muster up the strength to do it again.

 

And so will you!

 

Use those painful relationship lessons you learned from the past and apply them to your new one. That's what those experiences are there for! You won't repeat past mistakes so long as you remain constantly vigilant of them. Remember---No calm sea has ever produced a good mariner. And sometimes it takes surviving several bad relationships before we finally learn the skills to navigate a good one.

[NatoPMT]

you seriously need to read every article on yoga journal.com

 

Have book marked it for tomorrow, I have meetings all afternoon now and I am dying to have a look at it!

 

I do have a problem expressing myself, and so does my bf, so that’s great you have supplied some reading material for me to pull my finger out and stop being ridiculous about it. The more I type, the more I get to the bottom of how ridiculous it is, if I don’t externalise stuff, it gets twisted inside me until I cant see anything else

 

I just left out the ass kickin' part. We'll see though, we might have to apply that as well!

 

Put up ya dukes

 

Hi Merry

 

it's probably due to some underlying psychological cause that you have to dig up and deal with.

 

I think that got dragged kicking and screaming to the surface 12 months ago, I think anything linked to my deeper issues have been cleared out, which does feel like a huge weight has gone. I defo feel relief still, and that’s why I am determined to make this temporary, its not going to get the better of me and I am not going to let this become a deeper issue. Its going out of the window here and now.

 

it could just be that you feel the way you feel because your chemicals have changed somehow

 

Now that i hadnt considered, maybe I am confused just by the fact things have changed. That’s where my self CBT comes into play then, I shall treat this as though it doesn’t have control over me and what I do and I shall do things to stretch myself as planned.

 

they blame themselves, life, their partners, etc. for their feelings when the only blame lies in the bunged-up chemicals

 

Thankfully, one thing that I have learnt and that I have stuck with is that apportioning blame wont help me.

There's no reason he should think that he could be the sole reason for your happiness or unhappiness

 

I know he feels responsible for me, maybe not soley, but he thinks its his job as a man to make me happy. We have talked about this and I have taken some of this weight off his shoulders, but I think he actually wants this responsibility, I just need to make sure it doesn’t get abused and expect him to do this for me. If I take it away from him, I think he will feel undervalued. Balancing act.

 

So? Yes, it hurts if you lose someone. That's life. You can't live your life chickening out of hurt.

 

I know, stop making me know what I already know. I know, I know, I know. Bah.

 

The fact is this - it's already too late. No matter what happens, if you lose him, you're going to hurt like hell. The die has been cast and can't be called back, so you might as well dive right in and enjoy it to the fullest.

 

You are right. I am going to do this. But the other thing here is that he’s the same, if I dive right in, maybe he wont? If I am going down, he’s coming with me – I need to see if he realises this too. Now I am scared again because it means talking to him about this. I might as well just write ‘Cluck, cluck cluck, peck, cluck cluck.’. I will do it, I promise.

 

You can't go back - it's an illusion. And, in fact, if you were to lose him because of your own fears, you'd feel even worse because you would be the instigator of your own pain.

 

The annoying part of me is chanting ‘Yes, but it will be less pain if you do it now than if it happens in 2 years time’. And I hide behind making c*ap jokes.

There's no great stories about people who refused love in order to not lose 'control'

 

My autobiography is out on sale next year. but point taken

 

I get it guys, I do get it, and I am going to stop this. I have stopped an awful lot of behaviour in the past so this is no different. The other thing that keeps me all ice queen is that I feel embarrassed by verbal affections. I love getting them, but I think I discourage it by not returning the verbalisation even though I am really feeling it. So I have that to get over too.

 

Thanks again, this is helping me loads.

 

Ps sorry I keep forgetting to bold when I paste my answers in reply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[loveregardless]

this is my second attempt at posting this message...hopefully I will not have to retype it again. i hate when that happens because I feel as if I don't get the point across as well the second time, but anyway..here we go...

 

BTW...dukes are up...

 

I amg lad that you are going to read those articles, I know that they will help you just as much as thye have helped me. I would like to ask you a few questions however in reference to your being embarrassed to speak with your boyfreind about your emtions. do you have sex with this man? has he seen your naked behind? have you ever peed in from of him? have you ever had to go #2 at his place? thats embarrassing stuff there...but it's all stuff that you get used to in time, and that you grow more comfortable with in time. Might I make a suggestion that you use your embarrassment and worry to your advantage, be honest with him, tell him when you speak to him, "Look, I know that neither one of us is very good at expressing urselves, but I really think that we need to work on that. It's embarrassing and i worry that you will laugh at me when I say certain things, but I am going to try to be as honest with you as I can without being afraid of what that means..." that sort of thing...also you must recognize that your fear and expressing your emotions, is also an emotion...you have emotions about your emotions..you have to start with those before you can deal with the others...does that make sense?! hmmm...I think that was about what I said before...although I'm sure it is a lot less elequent considering I'm angry and hate computers this time around. Grrrr.....see...emotion...anger this time...but what do you do...breathe...release...and move on...it's not that feeling certain emotions is wrong, all emotions are meant to be dealt with, even so called "negative" emotions...but see its not that any emotion is ever negative, all are essential because all are inherit and a part of us...it is all in how you outlet them, it is all in where you choose to focuss your effort and express that energy..its' all about direction. You can use love in all the wrong ways and use anger in all the right ways...it's all in the direction...ok now I'm babbling...lets brawl....haha

[NatoPMT]

Hi Enigma

 

Thanks for sharing that with me, I am so glad you have found your way out of the other side. I am determined to be hot on your heels. That’s an inspiration to me. You had ‘found good reason to call the relationship off several times’, I have found no such reason. He’s absolutely wonderful. He really is, he tells me he feels privileged to be with me, and I truly feel the same. I think we both feel the other is out of our league and that’s maybe one of the reasons we are here right now. Oh fu*k. That might mean that moimeme’s original theory of me feeling I don’t deserve this could be right.

 

Then don't ask it of him. Instead, ask only for his friendship, support and understanding

 

I don’t, I truly don’t, I know what a danger point this is, I know how this can lead to real problems. I agree, the next stage is us supporting each other, if we can manage to express where we need support.

 

But as long as the rest of your life is still intact, as long as your emotional and financial safety nets remain in place, you will only land right back where you started

 

Damn good point.

 

Compromise without sacrifice is KEY

 

Since we have been together, not a single thing has been compromised, I havent had to shift a view, bite my tounge, look at him quizically once. Our social lives are identical to before we met except our social circles have merged, my friends have become his friends friends, and my friends worship him. He even offered my sister his spare room indefinately last week while she needed to be in London for hospital treatment. I’m financially independent, I own my own house, that wouldn’t be an issue. He still goes to football, sees his friends, spends 4 nights with his parents (except I am invited now)

 

so long as you both contribute equal effort to enjoy and nurture those positive aspects of your relationship

 

He contributes just as much as I do. Its equal. Now I need to nurture the positive aspects, really do that. There’s so many of them how on earth am I finding this hard???

 

were scared to death of each other for about a year

 

that made me laugh, it sounds comical - and yet here I am in exactly the same position...

 

But would I give up the happiness I've experienced these past five years to avoid that pain? Absolutely not.

 

This is exactly why I am here. I don’t have a good reason to call this off, so I am not going to give into a bad reason to do the same. I am feeling more and more confident in my ability to get this right now. I have to get rid of these anxieties and he has to get rid of his. He says he doesn’t know how to – any advice on how to help him through his? I know he has no doubt we should be together, we talked about a month ago and said we’d build our trust, never do anything to make the other feel rejected. We’ve never called each other a name, never raised our voices, always expressed ourselves with respect to the other. I know he feels as strongly as I do, so how to I support him through his fear? I am careful not to make him feel bad about something which is my issue – or anything, I am careful not to ask anything of him, I am careful that my expectations are my issue so if something goes wrong and I am disappointed, I know I have to deal with that. I am doing everything I can, but he still feels it too. Maybe its because I feel it and he picks up on that? If I just let this go, will he have a better chance of doing so?

 

Blimey, this is hard work. BB

 

LR - gotta leave work now (will be going home via the boxing glove shop, mind) so will reply tomorrow - thanks for your advice mon cherie

[meanon]

Everything has worked out for the best, but the emotions of the last 12 months have left me feeling like I have no control over my life – if things can change that much in a year – what on earth will be happening to me this time next year? I feel I have no security. Everything that’s happened has turned out almost perfect, I am much happier, but its not by my own choice – I didn’t plan this.

You are learning the art of living well, turning circumstances to your advantage, dealing with uncertainties. It may have been unplanned and there was an element of luck but your success is your own, it's no accident.

 

You've had a crisis of confidence in your abilities to continue to cope with change. There's no evidence for it so it's likely to be something else that's triggered it, rather than what's happened in the last year. From what you've said, it's most likely your relationship with your boyfriend, more specifically:

I am more in love with you than I know what to do with

Don't chuck it in out of fear. If it ends, you will survive and you will have experienced real passion and the best that life has to offer. There is no insurance policy that will protect you.

Blimey, this is hard work

Blimey, BB - stop being so careful! Let go and enjoy your love, otherwise it will suffocate. I know you've dealt with the insecurity you felt in the past but it's not at all unusal for it to resurface when you risk your heart. Concentrate on getting that sorted out first and then aim for being do-lalley in love:

I had a funny spell of a few months where I was totally do-lalley, intent on having fun, dead set on kicking up my heels. The last year, I have not been scared of anything, I even didn’t fear death. This was my ‘goal’ in getting through the break up. To live my life without fear or regret. I felt invincible, almost like I should have as a child but I spent my childhood being scared of everything so my liberation was quite pronounced – it was the first time id felt freedom from fear.

That's it, exactly. You've learned to live without fear or regret. Now you need to learn to love the same way.