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As I sit here typing, my wife and son are staying at her parents house .. why? because after she told me a story about what she did today, I had to ask her best friend if it was true or not. She heard that I did and left straight away. Basically I asked her friend if my wife was with a man or woman.

 

Might sound minor, might not, but now I am here alone, my wife is saying it is over because I do not trust her. I do have an issue with trust that I have been trying to get over for the last 5 years (we have been married 1 year). I apologised a lot to her, but she wouldn't have any of it. She said she needed to stay away the night to think about things?

 

What should I do here? We both love each other (and our son) incredibly much, and I was wrong to ask her friend what she had been doing, but I dont know how many times I can say sorry ....

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You didn't say that you have an valid reasons to distrust your wife, so I'll assume that you don't.

 

You said that you have trust issues that you have been trying to get over for five years. Are you doing something to resolve this in an active-verb sense, or are you just hoping it will get better over time?

 

The question you have to ask yourself is why you don't trust her. Is it because of past relationships (baggage that youbrought into the relationship)? Is it anxiety disorder? Is it a control issue? Sleep disorder? You're the only one who can answer this question.

 

Once you understand what is causing you to feel this way, then you can take that active-verb approach to solving the problem. :)

 

See a doctor or a councilor if you need to. You'll have to prove to her that you are willing to do some problem solving here.

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You do need to explain why you don't trust her. If it's something she did in the past and you obviously accepted it since you're now married with a child...then you need to leave it in the past. I don't know your situation but I do know that trust is a huge factor in love and if you can't ever bring yourself to trust her with your heart then you'll never be fully happy. Plus she'll know if you don't trust her by the subtle and not so subtle things you do or say. If she's being true blue to you and you constantly accuse her of things...it will and already has gotten to her because it's irritating when someone doesn't trust you and you're doing nothing wrong. Think about it.

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Guest......I'm thinking those *trust* issues are within yourself right? But I'm just guessing. I've lived a similar life to that of your wife, when I met my dh he was jealous - but didn't show it that much, and when he did I used to think *How cute, he cares*.....eventually, those trust issues became the jist of our fights. If I was at work too long, he'd call, if I was in the office talking to a guy, he'd call, or worst yet, visit me, and we'd have big blown out fights right there. He'd feign surprise as what I'm talking about.

 

I gave him no reason to distrust me, I've never fooled around on him, don't understand people who do, and feel if you must have an affair, leave first. I'm a pretty outspoken person which is what attracted him to me in the first place, he liked my outwardness., but at the same time, he hated it. For years I walked on eggshells. If I had a company party to attend, he'd want to come, which is fine, except he sit there like a rock - didn't enjoy or want to be there but was because I was going to have fun, and I didn't and it was always strained. I couldn't be myself around him.

 

Eventually we went to see a counselor who said that our marriage would not work because his jealousy, and that he needed to get over it, or I was walking. Which I have done numerous times. Like your wife, I was already guilty and I didn't even look at the person. It was hell. Finally, I said I had enough, this guilt trip I went through each time, and him acting like he didn't do anything wrong, had no idea what I was talking about, and acted basically like I was crazy.

 

The final straw when I had an old (gay) friend in my office, he came back to visit, and stopped in, well lo n behold, here comes my dh, and I try to make light, although my heart was pounding, I already knew what he was thinking, why were we laughing.....I looked too happy. My friend was sitting across me, and my dh sat there in stone silence with an angry look on his face, finally my friend left, and I couldn't wait to blast my dh. He kept telling me I was wrong, that *all* he did was sit there, he didn't think he had anything to contribute, he didn't know the guy, didn't want to, didn't care to. That was it. I exploded and I told him that it was over if he didn't get HIS problem fixed.

 

That was several years ago now (23 years together), and he no longer gives me *that look* and if he did I don't care, I figure it's his problem, but he better not voice it to me cause I will leave in a split second. He would lose it all. After all these years you'd think he's got it by now. He's just done a better job now of hiding it. Where I used to be afraid to *enjoy* myself at a party, now I don't care, if he gets mad because we're with our friends, so be it, but he doesnt, that would look awfully stupid to get mad about singing karaoke with another guy when theirs 10 couples in the room all doing the same thing, innocent singing, or playing cards, so innocent.

 

Wow, sorry I spoke too long.............in a nutshell, it's your green monster that will destroy the marriage if you keep doing what you're doing. You need to get help, or do a better job of showing her you love her, jealousy is one of the worst things in a marriage.

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