What does she want? Advice please.

[James]

I had gone out with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years until recently. She's Asian and I'm white--living in Asia.

 

She is a person who gets moody quite often--2 or 3 times a week. Many times she would get angry for 20 minutes and then she would be happy again. She rarely would say why she was getting moody and I felt that no matter what I did I wouldn't be able to find a solution. Most times her moodiness was based on oversimplistic things that I didn't have any control over such as driving over a bump in the road, etc. As she doesn't talk about many of her problems I do believe that her stress builds up and then she lets it out by being moody.

 

After many many times of being subjected to her mood swings I felt suffocated. I would be happy then she would bring me down. I started to get angry since I couldn't take it anymore. I knew that getting angry in return wasn't good and I would apologise for it, but she never would apologise for her behavior. Anyhow, I must say that when she was in a good mood she was so caring and so nice--more than anyone else I knew.

 

But another problem happened....

 

A little more than a month ago she seemed different. On one occasion I had asked her to go out, but she said that she was too tired. She instead asked me to come over. Later her friends had called and all of a sudden she was willing to go out, but without me. When I asked her why she was going out she said that she wanted to see her friends. Even when I said that why don't you invite me she said next time would be better.

 

On another occasion I asked her to go to a movie and she would say "Let me see"..not the usual response as sure I will. I did believe that she could have started to like someone else in her sphere of friends..

 

A couple days had followed and she got into a couple of moody moments and I couldn't take it anymore. I basically said " Quit it, just quit it!". She turned around and walked away. I was so angry at her that I didn't talk to her until she called me 3 days later on my birthday.

 

When she called she ended up complaining and complaining. I had said sorry for my behavior the other day, but felt our relationship slipping away...When we hung up the phone she called me back 5 minutes later to say sorry...She went on to say that she wanted to take me out for cake, but she was to tired and it was better to go out on another day... A couple hours later I called her at home and she wasn't there. I called her cell phone and she was out with her friends on my birthday! She just said that it would be only for a few hours, but I couldn't believe it especially since she had said prior that she was too tired to go out.

 

A couple of days later we did talk more. She said that it would be better to be friends...I had asked her if she liked someone else, but she said that she didn't..She felt tired of my anger towards her...yet I was tired of her moodiness...I continued to say that she doesn't think that her moods have an effect on other people when they do.

 

In the next couple of weeks we did talk on the phone with some days being better than others. She asked me to her family's house for dinner a couple of times and we remained close even though she said "we're friends". As a few days passed again she mentioned that she is starting to like someone now. I knew it was more likely one or two months before that she started to like this other guy. Just after she mentioned that she liked someone else she again asked me over for dinner! I couldn't believe that she would say this and I declined her invite.

 

I decided to leave the city for awhile.. After a few days I got back and she had called. She said she was wondering what happened to me and that she was calling me many times. I asked her why she was callling me so much and her response was " I guess I missed you a lot"...I couldn't believe this...I said this is a little late to say..

 

She mentioned that sometimes she would be moody because she wanted me to talk to her...She had never expressed before why she was being moody...I learned more about that in a short phone call then knowing her for nearly 2 years...She continued to say that she was very confused. I asked her about the other guy and she mentioned that they had gone on a couple of dates and it was exciting... I didn't really want to hear that, especially since she had just said that she missed me a lot. I basically said that if she wants to see that guy she should since I'm not interested in her missing me and wanting to see that guy. I continued to say if she really misses me that we should talk things over.

 

I decided to leave it up to her since I know that I shouldn't push. She knows that I care about her, but she did say things have changed. And that's the problem even if she wants to talk things out to get back together is it worth it after crossing that line? I'm not bitter if she likes someone else, it's just disappointing. I know that this can happen to anyone. But I do care about her a lot and know if we were to get back together we would have to do a lot of soul searching. I know that the lack of communication about what she was feeling at times left me in the dark...

 

Any advice please?

[maree]

I think this relationship is over. I'm sure you know it in your heart. I think you care deeply for this lady, however sometimes it just doesn't work out.

 

She may be a person that always has to have a guy around. So maybe even though the other guy she dated is around, he is not around to the extent that you are. You are familiar, and you have a history, and she doesn't want to give it up.

 

As far as the moodiness.... it may be a medical condition. I would be a little leary.

 

Move on....

[Vikki]

Agree with Maree here, she's over you emotionally. Got a new guy. She's a bit of a coward for not being able to tell you that straight out, instead she told you by her actions. That's about as kind as gravel in peanut butter.

 

She doesn't deserve you! It's obvious she is emotionally immature, she's been completely incapable of taking any responsbility for HER thoughts and feelings, she wanted you to take responsiblity for them, she wanted you to feel bad for HER thoughts and feelings. Not fair, this is NOT love.

 

Find someone who respects you and WANTS to be with you. You really are better off without her.

 

Warm Hugs to You