Is Spanking Wrong?

[KaterinaVon]

I feel like there are three types of kids.

 

1. The spirited child whose curiosity always gets the better of them and they always end up getting into some sort of trouble. Why spank a child like that ? What will that do ? Kill their curiosity ? No, you will find yourself having to spank them all the time and it won't make a difference. My uncle was a one of those spirited kids as a child and NOTHING worked effectively to calm that down, not spanking, hitting, yelling, or talking. The best you can do is guide them and sound stern, but either way people have free will, things will happen regardless of spanking or not.

 

2. The child with mental disorders. This can be anything from down syndrome to autism. These kids are harder to teach and hitting them won't fix the real issue, which is their inability to properly comprehend the world around them.

 

3. The stable kid. These kids are the ones you see at restaurants or the kids you interact with and they are just great to be around, never fuzzy, never causing any trouble. If this type of kid ever gives you a hard time, I'm sure with some talking (not yelling or hitting) this type of child will receive your message clear enough.

 

You don't want your kids to be fearful to come to you with their problems or questions for fear of punishment (spanking, yelling, hitting).

 

These aren't things you are allowed to do to an adult anyways right ? I mean you can't go to work and hit your boss because he didn't do what you wanted him/her to do right ? Why is it ok to do that to a small child ?

 

That being said, I was hit as a child whenever I did something my parents didn't agree with. Did I turn out with problems ? I don't think so. Do I feel it helped to shape me into the person I am today ? No. I would have MUCH rather they talked to me and gave me an explanation in a way I could understand, rather than hitting me on the face or spanking me.

 

 

As far as kids being disrespectful today.... when have they not been in the past ? My parents tell me when they were teenagers growing up how the adults would complain "kids today just don't know how to respect their elders" that was 30 something years ago. Every generation is like that, it just seems like only the current one is getting worse.

[tbf]

The case against spanking

 

Many studies have shown that physical punishment — including spanking, hitting and other means of causing pain — can lead to increased aggression, antisocial behavior, physical injury and mental health problems for children.

[Nyla]

I do know parents who spank non-emotionally. They do it very intentionally after talking with the child. I do not agree with this approach, but it does seem to work.

 

I am with you. I was spanked as a child, and all it did for me is make me feel unsafe and confused. (How can Mommy snuggle me and tell me she loves me one minute, then yell and hit me the next?)

 

Nyla, you said yourself that the way your parents raised you made you feel not-good-enough and made you want to flee the moment you could. Is that what you want for your own child(ren)? If not, then it is time to put away the option of spanking, and instead choose teaching respect through GIVING respect.

 

I just noticed that you referred to me in this post. I am not having children.

[Nyla]

I was spanked once as a child, I still remember it clear as day. My dad did it. I remember I couldn't even LOOK at him for days, I was humiliated by it. It was degrading and it made me feel so low. I remember my mom yelling at him for doing it, too. I will never spank a child.

 

The worst is parents who hit their kids for hitting other kids. Or hit their kid and then don't get why their kid is hitting someone else.

 

It shows kids that if I am in power over you, I can hit you if I don't like what you are doing. so why wouldn't an older sibling then start hitting a younger one, etc?

 

It's so backwards.

 

I was at a friends when I was 10 and their dad lined them up for spankings because he was pissed about SOMETHING. I was terrified. I ran home without my shoe because he was stepping on it lol. The looks on their faces...ugh....they were ages like 5-13.

 

My second oldest brother has been physically and verbally abusive to me most of my life. I refuse to have any contact with him now. I think he was acting how his anger at my mother for being abusive, as well as thinking that because he was older, he had the right to hit me.

 

Strangely, my eldest brother has never put his hands on me, nor has he ever tried to demand respect after treating me badly.

[austyre]

Hitting someone should always be used in defensive situations never too teach a lesson find it idiotic when people start saying things like its a light slap or I just tapped their bottom (If the parent cannot have self discipline then that will reflect upon the kid , I was always taught by example from my parents and I remember being testy little **** but my parents seemed to have the cool factor about them never seemed to get blustered rarely upset I was just fortunate and very blessed to be born to switched on parents considering they had 9 of us

[dreamingoftigers]

As far as kids being disrespectful today.... when have they not been in the past ? My parents tell me when they were teenagers growing up how the adults would complain "kids today just don't know how to respect their elders" that was 30 something years ago. Every generation is like that, it just seems like only the current one is getting worse.

 

Socrates (470-399 B.C.), apparently:

 

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."

[pink_sugar]

I don't find anything wrong with a swat on the butt to get a point across for bad behavior. However, the belt, hanger, beating or anything else of the sort is child abuse. I think newer generations are ascribing to it less as it was very common many years ago. My aunt never once hit my cousin, but I'm sorry, a 5 minute time-out will not serve as a reasonable punishment.

[GorillaTheater]

Ahh, the old spanking argument .

 

Almost as much fun as politics or porn thread!

 

For my part, we spank, but only very rarely, and reserved for those occasions where we want to ensure that we absolutely have their attention. And we're talking about one swat on the butt with a hand. I'll leave the Hot Wheels tracks to my mom.

 

I once swatted my at the time 12 year old son for lying. Something out of character for him, and from all information it seems like he did it just to see what would happen. To rub it in a bit, I asked him beforehand if he thought he was too old to be spanked. To his "yeah" I said "guess again, ace!"

 

It's a tool, one of many in the ol' discipline toolbox. Used sparingly and not while pissed off, in my opinion it can be very effective and won't leave any lasting trauma.

[will1988]

I was going to post something funny about my fiance getting spanked but only when she is a naughty girl and or if she asks for it... or whenever i feel like it.

 

However, seeing this in the parenting thread and not reading a single other comment or even the OP makes me realize that this is probably more along the lines of spanking children.

 

I don't have children, so I'm unsure. My parents spanked me as a child. While I hated it back then, I see the purpuse of it now. So would I spank my future children? most likely. Do I think it is wrong? Nope. Sometimes kids can be spoiled brats, and making them stand in the corner or taking away toys is just not enough punishment. My grandma also used to wash my mouth out with soap or make me gargel salt water when i swore. Guess what? i learned never to swear around her. lol. I will most likely use those techniques as well. After all, if my future spawn have my genese in them, then they will most likely be changed by the things that changed me.

[TaxAHCruel]

It is not an issue I have come down firmly on either side of _generally_ speaking in terms of whether I think it "wrong" or not. I guess it depends on how one defines "wrong".

 

But speaking only for _myself_ here I see recourse to violence in ANY situation to be a failure of intellect.

 

So if I ever found myself - and so far having been a father for 3 years nearly I have not - turning to violence as a solution to an issue I would simply consider it a failure of parenting on my part.

[AutumnRose1974]

I believe the only time to ever spank a child is when it is a matter of life or death.

 

Or when it concerns a matter where the child did something extremely disrespectful, like using foul language to a parent or other adult in spite of the fact that the child wasn't raised that way. One poster mentioned smacking her 17-year-old daughter when D called her a bitch - perfect example. She was far more than old enough to know better than to speak in such a manner. If it was my daughter I would've done the same thing. And then we would have had a little discussion about where she had picked up that kind of language, because I certainly wouldn't raise my kids up thinking speaking that way to their parents is in any way proper.

 

I was never spanked, but my parents let my brother and me know in no uncertain terms that that option was a possibility if we wanted to be stupid enough to push it that far. I hate to think what my father would have done if I had ever called my mother a bitch or something similar.

 

I remember my mother, who is in her 70's, talking about the "age of accountability" as being 12 in her day - that meant that by the age of 12, you were considered to be old enough to know how to behave properly, respectfully and courteously to both your own peers and to adults alike. And this behavior was being constantly reinforced by everyone around you, especially with adults in "authority" positions (parents, teachers, etc.). IMO we need to bring back that concept, because the pendulum has swung much, much too far in the opposite direction from where it should be.

[Nyla]

My grandmother washed my mouth out with soap once. Worked like a charm.

 

I was once a nanny and I noticed that the kids who weren't coddled and indulged all the time were the most well behaved.

 

The kids who were the rudest were the ones whose parents gave them far too much power.

[janedoe67]

I was spanked, but not without warning. A spanking meant I had broken a rule knowingly more than once and had done it yet again even with the warning, "If you make that choice again, I will spank you." Then I would get sat down, my parent would remind me of the progression, and - like I think parents should - they would actually follow through on what they said. Afterward I would be held and reassured that I was loved, that the slate was clean, and that they knew I could make better choices.

 

I spanked my children in the same way, though only a couple of times. My oldest just didn't need it, and my youngest...well, you could see him stand there working out whether the fun of doing it would be worth the spanking, so that was useless lol.

 

This type of controlled, non-angry, corporal punishment is an individual parents choice, and it is not my PLACE to judge their choice...just like they have ZERO business judging mine. I think one of the biggest things we parents need to do is to get the heck out of each other's business.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes it's wrong to hit anybody, I'll never understand why anyone would think its ok to hit a child, I always find it annoying how the word spanking or smacking is used as if to disguise the fact it's hitting, they all mean the same thing.

I think most people would find it wrong to hit a dog when training or punishing it, so why is it ok to do it to kids, or adults for that matter?

 

Resorting to aggression to train a child, or for punishment, is a sign of bad parenting IMO.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree with your points, but don't agree it can be effective if used sparingly, and it's never non emotional, always comes from anger/frustration.

 

 

 

It can be effective if used sparingly and non-emotionally.

 

BUT -

 

1. It's really taking the easy way out. There are SOOOO many ways to motivate and communicate with a child, and hitting them is not at the top of the list of the "best" ways.

 

2. It escalates a situation when what you want to do is calm everyone down. As a parent, you want to deal with tough situations being calm and cool and collected, and model for your child how to deal with difficult emotions through example.

 

3. It doesn't teach anything, except that "I can't disappoint Mommy or she'll hit me." It's better to cultivate a relationship of trust and security, and use your intelligence, creativity, and communication to solve the issue WITH your child.

 

4. It sends a message to a child that he/she isn't in complete control of his/her body. I teach my child that his body is his, and that nobody else has the right to touch it without his permission. Spanking would contradict that message.

 

5. It's disrespectful. I would never hit my spouse, or boss, or neighbor, or pet, simply because they didn't meet my expectations. So why is it OK to hit my child?

 

That's just off the top of my head, but I will summarize with this: It isn't a good idea, and you can do better.

[HeavenOrHell]

I was only hit once as well, when I was 8, and it was because I craved attention from my mum as we rarely got attention, I was kicking the door to get attention and my foot went through it and she hit me, I remember it vividly as I was so shocked, all it taught me is that people can turn on you, she should have asked me what I was doing and why.

 

 

 

 

and seriously why are people pulling out the 2 extremes....there is a middle ground between hitting your kid and spoiling them. I wasn't spoiled but I also wasn't hit.

 

I find most people who defend spanking WERE spanked.

 

It's almost like they are maybe defending their parents decision. I don't know, I love my parents but even now thinking about the ONE time my dad spanked me...tbh if I had plans to see him tonight or something, I'd be cancelling! I feel gross just thinking about that situation.

[HeavenOrHell]

You can teach kids right from wrong without resorting to hitting them.

 

Ok, tell me how spanking is different from hitting?

 

A person of my mindset is what exactly? Someone who disagrees with any sort of violence towards kids or animals?

 

No need to talk down to me like I'm an idiot just because I don't agree with hitting kids.

 

 

Spanking and hitting are two different things........I wont go into it with a person of your mindset because you wouldnt grasp the concept. A bad sign of parenting is not disciplining your child....thats all spanking is.

[Gunny376]

I am currently seeing a therapist, partly to process the abuse I suffered in my childhood and learn how it affected me as an adult.

 

I was abused physically as a child, as well as verbally and emotionally. My mother was the culprit, but my father was just as bad because he never stopped her until I had a nervous breakdown at 19. I forgive my dad because I know he is a quiet sweetheart who was afraid of my mother. My therapist discusses the way I should have been disciplined as a kid and she says that spankings are never necessary. We disagree on this.

 

While I don't think abuse is acceptable, I do think spankings are just fine. My husband says that I think this way because of how I was raised, but I disagree since I am not advocating abuse. A slap on the butt is not the same as the kicks and bites I got from my mother. To be honest, I think kids these days have FAR TOO MUCH power. Parents cannot slap their children without fear of the law getting involved.

 

I know that culture often plays a role because all of my old classmates with Canadian parents were never spanked. In fact, the kids whose parents were Canadian were very disrespectful and rebellious. The children I grew up with, who also had immigrant parents were spanked and they were well behaved. I know that being hit kept me on the straight and narrow, until I had enough of the abuse and fled my parent's home at age 21. I will still being hit by them at that time and I was subjected to sexist rules, so I finally got fed up.

 

Too bad I was never good enough for my mom until I left home and it was too late the salvage a relationship. She likes to compliment me now, but I keep my distance since I do not feel emotionally safe with my mother.

 

What do the parents on LS think? Are my therapist and husband right or is spanking ok?

 

I realize that this may come as somewhat as shock, considering that I'm a retired United States Marine, with two tours on the drill field, another as an instructor of officer canidates, etc?

 

But I've only seriously spandked either of my children (DS and DD) once in their lives? The DD for seriously lying to me (An intolerable offense in which I explained to her that its always very preferable to just tell me truth to me ~ and why its so necessary ~ and that she be completely honest with me about any and everything.

 

The DS? I spanked him once because he seriously PMFO! I got so mad with him, I had to walk away, get in my car, and just get away from him! His offense? Swinging a cat around by its tail over his head! I won't stand for cruelty to others nor animals!

 

Oh I swatted them on their much padded diapers from the time they started crawling in them. So many I can't count! We never removed the what-nots, and knick-knacks from around the house, never "child-proofed the cabinets nor the light sockets. I would pick them up a million-zillion times, and tell them "No!No!" So much that I'm sure that they thought their names were "No~No!"

 

When they were older, I wouldn't clean up nor pick-up after them. And even though it would have been similer and easier for me to do so? I would take the time to stand in the door way and make them do it themselves.

 

"Pick this up, and put it here! Pick that up and put it there! Go over there and get this and take it over there! Oh I could have cleaned and picked up after them in a nano-second of the time that it took for me to make them do it. But they finally got it in their heads that it was just easier to do it to begin with.

 

They were children ~ not stupid!

 

I think that in some ways? They would have preferred a whipping or beating, instead of the long, drawn out, intensive lessons in morals, ethics, teaching them how to think, lessons in learning how to think things through for themselves.

 

I taught them such things as

 

The "Five 'P's

 

"Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performace

 

"Plan your work! Work Your Plan!"

 

"Think about it!"

 

"Think it through!"

 

A watered down ~ child version of "Procrastination is just like masturbation! Its only a question of time before you realize your just screwing yourself!"

 

Your greatest enemy isn't someone else? Its YOU!

 

"Can't" couldn't! Because "Can't" never tried!

 

Whatever your mind can conceive! Your mind can achieve!

 

Don't look as the glass as half empty! Nor half full! Think about how you can fill it up!

 

A place for everything! And everything in its place!

 

E=r in which E represents a great amount effort, and yields very little if any 'r' ~ results! But with time, effort, commitment, etc? The equations flips to e=R in which very little "effort" yield great results!

[AutumnRose1974]

^^^*bows at Gunny376's feet*

 

Those lessons are awesome!

[janedoe67]

I think asking "Is spanking wrong"

 

Is kind of like asking "Is carrot cake good?"

 

Lots of people will say yes, some will say no, and it's not like either one is a hard and fast version of "correct."

 

Other people's convictions are theirs to have....and they end where mine begin and vice versa.

[HeavenOrHell]

No need to argue with me anyway, I know what's right and what's wrong already, nothing anyone can say on this subject will make me think it's ok to hit anybody.

Not saying I wouldn't feel like hitting someone, kid or adult, if they were torturing a cat for example, but I don't see how wading in and being aggressive would help, sure I'd shout in a situation like that, doubt I could help myself, but I'd draw the line at hitting.

 

 

 

I wasnt talking down to you, just saying you have your mind made up so there is no sense in arguing with you.

 

Chill

[MrNate 2.0]

I'm a southern boy.

 

 

You can ask me all you need to know about spankings.

[StripeyShirt]

If you advocate "spanking" I am not sure how you would let the child know that they are being "spanked" and not "hit", "slapped" "whacked", "physically hurt". Good luck with that. And good luck with explaining to that same child that it is wrong to hit others.

 

I have hit my children in the past, and found it did no good whatsoever. My kids suffer the consequences of any bad decisions or unpleasant or unsafe behaviour in many other ways that enforces values and sensible decision making processes. Personally, I see hitting children as lazy parenting. Enforcing your views by hurting them does nothing at all to teach them how to think through situations.

[Spark1111]

Spanking teaches children that might makes right and is an extremely poor disciplinary tool.

 

Your child obeys you, not because they want to please you, but because they fear you. Not only do they NOT learn to set internal controls, they frequently rebel later in life and can develop mental health issues.

 

Bullies are MADE folks, not born that way. So are MANY of the mentally unstable, insecure and the self-loathers.

 

It is not what you say, it is how you act that is your greatest tool. kind, calm, encouraging and loving parents seem to raise children who are the same without ever raising a hand.

 

imagine that?

[janedoe67]

And again I say where did we get the idea as parents that it is our job to decide not only what is right or wrong for OUR family but also for everyone else's? Seems kinda like the height of arrogance to me....