How do I go about Breaking it off?

[Confused22]

My fiance and I have been together this time around for 8 months, and engaged for 4 months. We dated for 9 months back in high school, but I broke it off when I went off to college. I am 20 now. My family has totally loved this guy from the very beginning. He is nice, smart, and from a well off family.

 

The problem comes when I feel like I can't marry him now. I don't have the same love for him as I did 3 years ago. I try all of the time to love him, but it is just not there. We have made love maybe 2 times since getting engaged, and that is because of me. I tell him I am not in the mood, or that I am too stressed out with school. I recently graduated from nursing school. I don't want to hurt him. The main reason I don't want to break it off is because of my family. They always tell me we were meant to be together, and I will never find another guy like him. My family is very close and I don't know what the break would do to them. I am afraid my mom would be mad at me for a very long time. I feel trapped. I care about what my family thinks but I don't want to ruin my life for it. But my problem is I can not see myself waking up next to him my entire life. I just don't know how to break the news to my family. The wedding is in May.

 

And I have another problem. I have had an ex boyfriend recently calling me, but he now lives in Alaska. He is getting out of a marriage himself, but wants me to move up there with him. I don't know if that is too soon for him to move on with his life. I don't want to be the rebound after the marriage has failed. I have brought this to his attention and he informs me that is not the case. His wife cheated on him with his best friend. He tells me he is going to buy me a plane ticket with his next paycheck. I want to do it, but I don't know what I would be telling my family. I am just so confused right now I don't know what to do or what to say to anyone.

[SoleMate]

I can see you are confused. You are letting other people do your thinking and feeling for you. You let your family tell you who to love and marry, and then you let this new (ex)boyfriend tell you to move to Alaska. For goodness' sake - move to Alaska???!!! "Sure, maybe after you come and live down here for a year, court me, win my heart, make plans for our life together, marry me - THEN I'll move to Alaska with you. But you don't just call me up and tell me to move up there. Sheesh. Maybe YOU should move to Missouri."

 

But my problem is I can not see myself waking up next to him my entire life.

So...DON'T marry him. If you have serious doubts in the courting phase, which is when things are typically very good and problems are glossed over, marriage will NOT work. This is not to say that he may not be the man for you some years down the road. But definitely not now. Only marry a man if you realize you would be THRILLED to wake up next to him for the rest of your life. So let him, and your family, know as soon as possible that this marriage is not going to happen.

 

They always tell me we were meant to be together, and I will never find another guy like him.

Hunnhh? That's not very supportive. At your age, you have your whole life ahead of you. You will get more attractive as you mature and gain confidence. Have your parents been doing and saying things to limit you in other ways?

 

You're only 20 - you just got out of school. Why not move to the big city and spend a few years working? You'll earn money and have a chance to meet new people. Maybe you will come to long for your (ex?)fiance in a way that makes you realize he's the one. Or perhaps you'll realize that there are many fish in the sea, and that you have no problem finding a very nice one who wants to share a coral patch with you.

[LittleMiss]

I don't think you are ready to get married and you should be honest about it with your fiance. You can't make this decision thinking about how everyone else is going to take it. This is your life, not there's. You are the one that is going to have an unhappy marriage if you go through with it. I know it will be hard and your finace will be hurt, but this is really the best for both of you. It would be worse if you would marry him knowing you had doubts. I went through this with my boyfriend from high school. I ended it and both are families were upset, but they got over it. I knew I wasn't ready for marriage. Now we are still friends and we look back and are glad that we broke up and went our seperate ways. We are so different now and we have experienced a lot of changes since we were together. That's what we needed.

 

As for your ex, don't move into something else so quickly. I think you should take some time and be single for a while. You should date a few different guys to see what's out there, but don't jump into another serious relationship.

 

-Look inside yourself for peace and happiness, don't expect someone else to fill that void.

[FreeMe]

You have valid reasons for not marrying him. He and your family will just have to understand and eventually they'll get over it. You're still very young - why would they want you to rush into something you have serious doubts about?

 

HOWEVER

 

If you then tell them that you're running off to Alaska to be with some other guy who, by the way, is just getting his divorce finalized, then you will lose ALL credibility with your family and everyone. They will think you're flaky and so will most everyone.

 

The first problem is valid.

The second - of whether to uproot your entire life for someone based on a few phone calls - is just running scared. I think he's trying to defer his own pain from the divorce by focusing on you, and you'd be doing the same for yourself by running away from dealing with your family and ex-fiance.

[DaiseyEyes]

Call off the wedding! The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And don't go to Alaska. I'm sure running away is tempting, but both of you are in a bit of a crisis. Not to mention that your ex was betrayed by his wife and his best friend. He is probably very lonely. You need to listen to yourself, not those around you. Best of luck.