Serial Cheater

[Inthewell]

Serial cheaters MM, do you know their tactics? - I was the OW of one of them.

 

(English is not my first language please excuse my grammar mistakes)

From the beginning, I disapproved my behavior and yet continue with it regardless of the gilt I felt every time we spend time together; by then I did not know that like me he had another two.

 

I always thought I was in control and for years it went my way or that is what I thought. Two month ago I discover that by using the same tactics he used with me had successfully trapped another stupid that like me believed his words. I always new this twisted relationship was going nowhere since I would not be the one to interfere in his marriage.

 

 

So I convince myself than when the time would come I would just step aside no sorrow. But the day of me finding about his new OW it was like me dying 100 times (ouch I did not know I love him or was it my ego?) every single emotion I did not know existed combined with (panic attack, fast hard beating, headache, nervous stomach, sweaty hands and shakiness) all at once and it went like that for almost two month. From the beginning I asked him please whenever he wanted me out I would just say okay no hard feelings.

 

Nonetheless he did it and I wonder if what he wanted is to hurt me, in the end I think this thought is the one that brings me the biggest pain. But this is not all - he told me to get over it that this is just temporarily that he will eventually leave her. I am thankful that this happened because I am graving this opportunity to set myself free of the nasty situation I put myself, I knew I had to ended is just that every time I tried he was very mad at me and always manage to convince me to come back .

 

Have any one here gone trough the same scenario? Is this type of men mentally ill? Should I tell the new OW what can she expect? since I know her. Do you think his wife of more that 30 years does not know the type of guy she has? I just wonder how he can get away with this many women without getting caught?

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Moemone]

Talk about your situation, the guy I was seeing had many, it doesn't make sense to try and tell the OW, I thought of doing that, let her learn for her self they won't last either. I am going through that same thing.

 

I'm trying to let it all go so maybe that's what you need to do.

 

I know it's hard because you care, I fel the same way you're feeling.

 

You're not alone. I don't know what to say to you really as I am in the same situation as you

[NPP10]

Not to hijack the thread, but what would constitute one as a serial cheater?

[Wellington]

That's an interesting video Pierre. I have never considered myself to have low self esteem. I also dont know if my MOM have multiples. I hope not? I certainly wouldn't tolerate that but if I didn't know, would he still have considered me to have low esteem?! Do you think it works in reverse as well? Do you think women who are serial cheaters go after men with low self esteem? Do people who are in adultery relationships all have low self esteem?

[Moemone]

Pierre is right

 

I was with a committed man who constantly told me my self esteem was low I didn't know though. Pierre I would like you to read my post on "thinking of breaking no contact" . I know you're a realist

[Inthewell]

It is hard to admit it but yes, and I am working on it. But the realization of that does not change the pain and was is that trigger them to cause harm. The nature of the relationship does not give room for fairy tales I knew and he Knew it had an end, so why not just say is over.

What is the motive behind to go for yet another one and in the process cause so much harm. I am not hanging in the pain I moving on (slowly though) but I don't get it.

And also more hints for those involved with this sort of men, when I caught him he said that this new relationship of his will not last long that it eventually will dye, and he counts on that. How blind was I that could not see the real person or perhaps I knew but refuse to accept. . Stupid me but I am moving on can't waist my time and energy on this.

The problem is that even after knowing all of this. Still hurts! The only good advise he gave me is to GET OVER IT and this I must follow. I learned my lesson play with fire and you get burned isn't a say like this?.

Thanks guys.

[Inthewell]

Not to hijack the thread, but what would constitute one as a serial cheater?[

 

Sorry, what you mean by this is that I hijacked the title serial cheater? If so I apologized, and how can remedy this mistake?

[Quiet Storm]

I think the term "low self worth" fits better than low self esteem.

 

A lot of people think low self worth means that you are constantly thinking "I hate myself" or "I don't deserve anything good". They imagine a shy person cowering in the corner.

 

That's not usually true. A person with low self worth often doesn't realize it. They can even seem confident & outgoing.

 

It's usually reflected in the choices that a person makes. They may consciously know and tell themselves, I deserve better. But they keep making choices that are detrimental, even if they are aware that their decision is probably not a good one. They seem to seek excessive external validation. They are often preoccupied with the opinons of others, if people are talking about them, what others think about them. They often feel a need to prove themselves.

 

I have noticed a disconnect, because they can see often when others are being mistreated, but ignore their own mistreatment. They care for & protect others better than they care for and protect themselves. For example, a mom with poor self worth may hate it if her daughter is treated badly by a boyfriend, even as she herself remains in a terrible relationship. She may even tell herself "I deserve better" but can't seem to take action to make it happen.

 

I think people with poor self worth also use a lot of poor coping methods, like denial and rationalization. They may feel upset about the way someone treats them, but turn it around in their minds so that it seems "not that bad". Let's say a woman is with a guy that comes in late from bars every night, gets a DUI, and is mean to her when drunk. A person with healthy self worth may tell themselves "I don't want to be with a person like this. He eithers quits drinking or I'm gone" and she sticks to it. A person with poor self worth may tell themselves "He drinks because he's had a rough life (or a bad day, a mean boss). I really wish he wouldn't do this. Why can't he stop? I love him so much, why is he doing this to me? I know he doesn't mean to treat me bad, he's just stressed out", and not take any steps to change the situation. Basically, the first woman knows what she wants in her life, and is able to cut out those that don't fit her standards. It's not important to her why he drinks, all that matters is that she doesn't want this crap in her life. The second person synpathizes with him, wants him to change, but tolerates the behavior because she loves him.

 

Serial cheaters often cast a wide net in order to see who bites. For example, it starts with mild flirting. One woman may be disgusted or annoyed that a married man is flirting with her. Her self talk may sound like "Ewww, why does he think I'd be up for that? WTF is wrong with him?" She draws the conclusion that he's got issues, and doesn't give much weight or thought to a word he says. A different woman may enjoy the attention and smile & engage with him. Her self talk may be "Awww, he's so nice. I wonder if he likes me." She values his opinion, wonders what he's thinking & how he feels. The serial cheater will target those he feels he has the best chance with.

Edited May 16, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[HonestNeurotic]

I think the serial cheater always wants to keep something in "reserve". So even if he's not "done" with his current OW, he needs to know that he ALWAYS has something on the side. My ex AP was that way. Always trying to hook another woman, even when he had one. Because eventually, he knew that the OW would want MORE of a relationship, which he was never going to leave his wife. He wanted someone that was going to be there when he wanted. Very comical if you knew this guy. He did that while he was dating his wife. I don't think he had more than a month or two between OW's going back 20 years. I knew he was trying to find another one while seeing me, and once he got one, well, I ended it. That one went Bunny Boiler and he was busted inside of just a few months. Dunno the whole story, but he send me an occasional text now and then. Sexual in nature of course. I never answer them. I was his only OW that never wanted a love relationship with him and it lasted for four years. I was kinda tired of him anyway, and was relieved that he found someone so that I had an easy out. He will never change. In fact, I told him he should be a single guy. At least they had no children. I dunno why people get married if they really just want to be dating multiple people all the time.

[Goodbye]

Well Pat Robertson stated that it is natural for men to cheat, and likely the woman's fault, lol.

[Quiet Storm]

I think the serial cheater always wants to keep something in "reserve". So even if he's not "done" with his current OW, he needs to know that he ALWAYS has something on the side. My ex AP was that way. Always trying to hook another woman, even when he had one. Because eventually, he knew that the OW would want MORE of a relationship, which he was never going to leave his wife. He wanted someone that was going to be there when he wanted. Very comical if you knew this guy. He did that while he was dating his wife. I don't think he had more than a month or two between OW's going back 20 years. I knew he was trying to find another one while seeing me, and once he got one, well, I ended it. That one went Bunny Boiler and he was busted inside of just a few months. Dunno the whole story, but he send me an occasional text now and then. Sexual in nature of course. I never answer them. I was his only OW that never wanted a love relationship with him and it lasted for four years. I was kinda tired of him anyway, and was relieved that he found someone so that I had an easy out. He will never change. In fact, I told him he should be a single guy. At least they had no children. I dunno why people get married if they really just want to be dating multiple people all the time.

 

They also keeping getting new OW's because the current OW eventually figures out that he isn't who he portrayed himself to be. With every new woman, he gets a clean slate, an untarnished image. Image is important to the serial cheater, because he needs validation. Once an OW starts figuring him out, she won't be as admiring. She won't offer as many compliments & ego strokes. She'll call him on his BS. He will deplete his supply of validation from that particular OW. Once that happens, he'll look for new targets and sources of validation. This doesn't just apply to MM, it also applies in many cases to single "players".

[Washingmachine1980]

I have often wondered how serial cheaters treat their wives. They say they love them and treat them well but, I have a hard time believing that. I just made the assumption that they are judgmental, mean and abusive to the spouse as they are with the other woman. I also wondered if the spouse has any idea what's going on? Once worked with some man who had string of women come in after the bosses left. He had a wife and kids at home. He had pictures of them all over his office were he had sex with the OWomen. Feel sorry for his wife to this day. She stayed at home, raised kids and had no life. This is how he chose to repay her.

[Moemone]

Quiet storm

 

I feel like you spoke to me In the post about self worth,

Sad to admit though

 

I was the ow of a committed player, and I tolerated a lot and find my self saying

" I love him, if only he would change, if only he would stop doing this to me, if only he would respect me",

 

As of today that is something I'm working on, I'm only 23 and I settled for less, I beat my self up so bad.

 

It's my second day of no contact and instead of hurting my self with my thoughts I'm thinking back on my choices and its sad that I really was mistreated and did not walk away until I decided I don't want to be second when I can be first.

 

I'm reading a lot trying to build my self worth, esteem and confidence even my pride was broken. I'm looking to make this break as easy as I can by looking at the reality of it all.

 

 

He is committed, he is a huge flirt ( says he will never change) he has other girls ( chat them and call them in my face) insulted me, physically abuse me disrespected me.

 

He is 43 and only goes for younger women. LS helped me a lot into making the decision to walk away.

[meat department]

I was in a fwb situation for 8 months with a MM. I did not know he was married until the end. Once I found out he was married we had a conversation where I got to ask some clarifying questions. In his words I was not the first person he has cheated with, there were others but not while we were doing our fwb thing. He figured once what we had ended he would find someone else. That is his pattern. He is looking for the new and different. He is not getting new and different at home and stopped trying. It was an honest conversation with an admitted serial cheater and it was very interesting to hear how someone can justify being a serial cheater. I do believe I got some insight into the mind of one cheater. The one of many things that I find interesting is that when I first met him he came off as serious and not a player. He showed no signs of needing "external validation". Just a normal guy. With a normal story.

[Mycatsnuggles]

These Mm actually told you they were seeing other women? I am wondering did they "out" themselves or you had an OW d day?

[2sure]

I have often wondered how serial cheaters treat their wives. They say they love them and treat them well but, I have a hard time believing that. I just made the assumption that they are judgmental, mean and abusive to the spouse as they are with the other woman. I also wondered if the spouse has any idea what's going on? Once worked with some man who had string of women come in after the bosses left. He had a wife and kids at home. He had pictures of them all over his office were he had sex with the OWomen. Feel sorry for his wife to this day. She stayed at home, raised kids and had no life. This is how he chose to repay her.

 

My exH was a serial cheater. The video and Pierre's description fit him to a T. Tightly.

 

He was an A type personality, public figure , charming, successful , handsome and he married me when he was 40 because he wanted a trophy wife to help further his career. He was adoring, respectful, and kind to me. And he was sincere in his love.

 

But his constant need for new validation was sickening.

It was a problem he could not solve. I don't know what F'd him up but it did.

[White Flower]

 

Have any one here gone trough the same scenario? Is this type of men mentally ill? Should I tell the new OW what can she expect? since I know her. Do you think his wife of more that 30 years does not know the type of guy she has? I just wonder how he can get away with this many women without getting caught?

 

Hi Inthewell,

 

Sorry you're going through this. My exMM is a fSC so I have a lot of experience with this. I was lucky though in that he was later in years and pretty much done with those games, but there were a few doors open, meaning he had communications going with some of his former OOW. I think he was afraid to shut the doors permanently for fear of retribution. And he was right to fear that! It's funny how well I knew him being on the outside for only a couple of years; his W of over 40 had no clue.

 

Long story short he got into therapy and has come a long way. He no longer looks outside the M for external validation (meaning sex, lol), not even with me now (we both choose to respect new boundaries and are in LC), and he has spent enough time focusing on his M to realize it can never be fixed. Most SC that I hear about never seem to reach this stage but then again I've not researched data on the subject. From what I've gathered over the years, most SC are passive-aggressive who adore and appreciate their Ws in many ways but the chemistry is missing (which is nobody's fault) and instead of leaving due to the male duty gene (my nickname) they stay but get their physical needs met elsewhere. Sometimes these guys are jerks but sometimes they fall in love and have real internal conflict. Your guy was cruel, but at least he was honest and didn't lead you down a road of false hope.

 

Btw, in case you're wondering, I got my exMM to give me the password to his secret email account which verified immediately that he was not technically cheating on me with OOWs, but doors were open with LC with ex ones. He closed those doors for me. Had all this happened ten years ago I'd have found some very shocking and hurtful information. He had outgrown a lot of his past behavior when I came along and continues to grow.

 

Hope this helps. And I hope you get over this guy soon.

[latergater]

Not to hijack the thread, but what would constitute one as a serial cheater?[

 

Sorry, what you mean by this is that I hijacked the title serial cheater? If so I apologized, and how can remedy this mistake?

 

Serial cheater .. someone who thrives on the excitement/thrill of the new relationship and can move from one woman to the next. DOES move from one woman to the next or has a number of women he juggles at one time, shifting from one to another when he gets bored or restless. My ex MM had five women going at the same time, including me. Those are the ones that I know of.

[latergater]

I have often wondered how serial cheaters treat their wives. They say they love them and treat them well but, I have a hard time believing that. I just made the assumption that they are judgmental, mean and abusive to the spouse as they are with the other woman. I also wondered if the spouse has any idea what's going on? Once worked with some man who had string of women come in after the bosses left. He had a wife and kids at home. He had pictures of them all over his office were he had sex with the OWomen. Feel sorry for his wife to this day. She stayed at home, raised kids and had no life. This is how he chose to repay her.

 

He was very into appearance, commented a lot about what I was wearing or how he liked my hair "very blond."

He seemed very concerned with outward appearance. He drove a 100k car, dressed in designer suits, and wanted me to wear makeup and dress to the 9's when we went out. I didn't mind as I thought it was just one of his "things."

 

He told me that he had conversations with his wife about "stepping it up" and "dressing better" because, if she didn't, he had other options waiting in line for him. No, I am not kidding. He told me this .. before I found out he was sleeping with about 10 other women!

[2sunny]

Quiet storm

 

I feel like you spoke to me In the post about self worth,

Sad to admit though

 

I was the ow of a committed player, and I tolerated a lot and find my self saying

" I love him, if only he would change, if only he would stop doing this to me, if only he would respect me",

 

As of today that is something I'm working on, I'm only 23 and I settled for less, I beat my self up so bad.

 

It's my second day of no contact and instead of hurting my self with my thoughts I'm thinking back on my choices and its sad that I really was mistreated and did not walk away until I decided I don't want to be second when I can be first.

 

I'm reading a lot trying to build my self worth, esteem and confidence even my pride was broken. I'm looking to make this break as easy as I can by looking at the reality of it all.

 

 

He is committed, he is a huge flirt ( says he will never change) he has other girls ( chat them and call them in my face) insulted me, physically abuse me disrespected me.

 

He is 43 and only goes for younger women. LS helped me a lot into making the decision to walk away.

 

How can he respect you if you aren't respecting yourself?

 

You can start to change everything by respecting yourself.

 

Determine what your healthy boundary looks like and don't allow anyone to cross that line!

[latergater]

Serial cheaters are usually addicted to or compulsively use sex and/or romantic involvements to make themselves feel better. Like any other compulsive activity its a form of self medicating whatever their underlying issue is.

 

It rarely has anything to do with the W or the marriage......its about whats missing in the cheater. Not to say it doesnt affect the marriage, it does. Whatever issue they are harboring usually causes problems in the M aside from the infidelity.

 

With regard to OW, they tend to seek out women with low self esteem that they can "manage". And, they usually have back ups. The OW are also backups in case the W dumps them. They dont like to be alone or without the sex/romantic attention that comforts them or distracts them from their own emotional pain.

 

SO TRUE. Get a load of this. My ex MM said to me many, many times "If my wife ever finds out about you or kicks me out of the house, you better not LEAVE ME. You better not dump me!" He needed validation about this constantly. I didn't get it -- I thought it was just his way of making me believe he would be with me if they were to ever get divorced, etc.. I think his ego needed to hear YES, I would be with YOU .. you know, ONE MORE STROKE for his HUGE ego.

 

The thing is ... he knew damn well if he was busted, she would NOT leave him. He knew because had been though this before (lied about that too, surprise surprise).

[Mount]

It is ok to have a start, but it is not ok for long time for having the relationship with the man if he has a wife, thus the man has to leave marriage/wife by his choice, if the MM wants to have the romantic relationship (as a normal boyfriend or husband) with the single woman.

 

If you are single and if you believe a relationship with a cheater or a married man is OK then you have low self esteem. Emotionally healthy women with good self esteem do not give cheaters one second of their time.

[latergater]

What attracted you to this mam?

 

Trust me. He had some amazing qualities -- ones that I considered the important ones. I was really confused because he just seemed too amazing to be true.

 

We came from similar families and backgrounds and wanted the same things out of of life. He was the guy I could bring home to my family and feel proud of knowing he would be able to carry himself with anyone, at any event, at any time, in any setting. He was well educated and successful, he was charismatic, witty, charming, had a great personality, and a sense of humor that could carry a room. Everyone loved him. He made people feel so good. Being around him felt good -- he was always smiling, happy, positive, made you feel like the only star in the sky.

 

He dressed well, presented himself well, was engaging, outgoing, respectable to others (strangers, that is) and an excellent communicator. He inspired me. He was interesting. We had the most incredible conversations - deep meaningful conversations. He understood me -- he "GOT" me.

 

And, I have to say, I was so attracted to him. He was sexy and "well endowed" (TMI!!?) -- amazing .. no .. MIND BLOWING IN BED. I mean .. he was BEYOND any guy I had ever experienced.

 

Ok, I have said enough. I refuse to say anything else that is positive about the "man-whore."

[spice4life]

Trust me. He had some amazing qualities -- ones that I considered the important ones. I was really confused because he just seemed too amazing to be true.

 

We came from similar families and backgrounds and wanted the same things out of of life. He was the guy I could bring home to my family and feel proud of knowing he would be able to carry himself with anyone, at any event, at any time, in any setting. He was well educated and successful, he was charismatic, witty, charming, had a great personality, and a sense of humor that could carry a room. Everyone loved him. He made people feel so good. Being around him felt good -- he was always smiling, happy, positive, made you feel like the only star in the sky.

 

He dressed well, presented himself well, was engaging, outgoing, respectable to others (strangers, that is) and an excellent communicator. He inspired me. He was interesting. We had the most incredible conversations - deep meaningful conversations. He understood me -- he "GOT" me.

 

And, I have to say, I was so attracted to him. He was sexy and "well endowed" (TMI!!?) -- amazing .. no .. MIND BLOWING IN BED. I mean .. he was BEYOND any guy I had ever experienced.

 

Ok, I have said enough. I refuse to say anything else that is positive about the "man-whore."

 

No worries latergater because you actually "got him" in the end. Sociopaths make it their business to "get" people...that's how they suck you in and keep you enamored. They are experts at mirroring who you are because they are a big black hole of emptiness inside. They can't "feel" so they have to "act" like they do and that's why it seems like they "get" you. The book, "The Sociopath Nextdoor" explains it all beautifully. You did good girl by cutting him out of your life. Me thinks you're going to be totally fine.

Edited May 18, 2013 by spice4life

[latergater]

No worries latergater because you actually "got him" in the end. Sociopaths make it their business to "get" people...that's how they suck you in and keep you enamored. They are experts at mirroring who you are because they are a big black hole of emptiness inside. They can't "feel" so they have to "act" like they do and that's why it seems like they "get" you. The book, "The Sociopath Nextdoor" explains it all beautifully. You did good girl by cutting him out of your life. Me thinks you're going to be totally fine.

 

Thanks, Spice4Life! You rock. I had a hard night after I wrote my post last night. Cried myself to sleep. Haven't done that since D day. Have a great weekend. Appreciate the SUPPORT.