Serial Cheater

[stevie_23]

If you are single and if you believe a relationship with a cheater or a married man is OK then you have low self esteem. Emotionally healthy women with good self esteem do not give cheaters one second of their time.

 

I agree with this.

 

I'd also like to add that of course most women, even those with low self esteem, would avoid like the plague any man who they KNOW is a serial cheater. The thing is, these women often don't REALISE there is a serial cheater working his way into their hearts, and ok, of course they know the man they're with is already married and so he's CHEATING, but then all the rationalisations and justifications come into play...he's unhappy with his wife, he never really loved her, he made a mistake marrying her cause he didn't know what he wanted and now he does and it's ME, and he will eventually be WITH me properly, just give him time, BLAH BLAH BLAH...the list is endless.

 

But basically, in MOST scenarios, any woman who has a fairly healthy amount of self esteem simply isn't willing to be in a relationship where they are not the ONLY woman for their romantic / intimate partner. It's a horribly damaging situation most of the time. Damaging to self esteem. And the women with lower self esteem don't take the hit quite as hard (at first) because their self esteem is already low...

[2sunny]

It is ok to have a start, but it is not ok for long time for having the relationship with the man if he has a wife, thus the man has to leave marriage/wife by his choice, if the MM wants to have the romantic relationship (as a normal boyfriend or husband) with the single woman.

 

No - its really not ok to try stealing another woman's husband.

 

When you marry your cheating MM - maybe you can tell us it's ok that some gal is having sex with him and worming her way into his heart - and that you, his wife, thinks that it's just dandy that she participates this way since its early in the affair.

 

No, it will never be right.

 

If a man wants another woman he should have his divorce final before starting a new relationship.

[latergater]

I agree with this.

 

I'd also like to add that of course most women, even those with low self esteem, would avoid like the plague any man who they KNOW is a serial cheater. The thing is, these women often don't REALISE there is a serial cheater working his way into their hearts, and ok, of course they know the man they're with is already married and so he's CHEATING, but then all the rationalisations and justifications come into play...he's unhappy with his wife, he never really loved her, he made a mistake marrying her cause he didn't know what he wanted and now he does and it's ME, and he will eventually be WITH me properly, just give him time, BLAH BLAH BLAH...the list is endless.

 

But basically, in MOST scenarios, any woman who has a fairly healthy amount of self esteem simply isn't willing to be in a relationship where they are not the ONLY woman for their romantic / intimate partner. It's a horribly damaging situation most of the time. Damaging to self esteem. And the women with lower self esteem don't take the hit quite as hard (at first) because their self esteem is already low...

 

This was part of a conversation I copied and pasted and sent to my email, from a blackberry chat conversation we had, two months after we reconnected (known each other for thirty years). Maybe this will explain what the MMs are telling the APs or at least in my situation:

 

MM: I do love u....so much. I want to leave my wife for you

Me: Are there other women?

Me: Please tell me if there r. Please .. just tell me.

MM: Nope

Me: Swear? I need you to tell me. I won’t be upset if you are honest. Please.

MM: Yes I swear.... What to do with what?

MM: U would marry me wouldn't u

Me: Yes. Well .. maybe.

Me: I don't know if I could make u happy. And, you're married.

MM: But, I want to leave my wife for you. I do. I love you so much. But, i have a child who is not even in high school yet and she would not understand. I cannot do that to my child.

Me: Well, then why don't you try and work things out with your W. Go to marriage counseling, etc. Tune into your marriage.

MM: I've tried.

Me: Try again. Try harder.

MM: I don't want to talk about this.

[Mount]

Are you really that immature or naive? You knew, I knew, everyone is aware that following bold part is never happening in reality. And yes the world should have no war, the world shoul have been in peace, people should have not committed any crime.

 

Enough of should/could/would, these kind of meanless, useless would never lead to anything.

 

 

No - its really not ok to try stealing another woman's husband.

 

When you marry your cheating MM - maybe you can tell us it's ok that some gal is having sex with him and worming her way into his heart - and that you, his wife, thinks that it's just dandy that she participates this way since its early in the affair.

 

No, it will never be right.

 

If a man wants another woman he should have his divorce final before starting a new relationship.

[latergater]

I dont know what to say to you without it sounding mean, but this is so much drivel. I thought you said he was a smooth communicater, not to mention when its not going where he wants it to go he just shuts it down.

 

If he ever loved his wife and she has things in writing declaring his love, I bet you would be shocked at the difference between what she got from him and this.

 

You're probably right. But, I was naive. I didn't go looking for some guy to have an affair with. I begged him not to say things he didn't mean. I had just lost my best friend and a four year relationship I was in ended a few weeks before that. How was I to know what was going on? I guess you do live and learn. And, I do feel terrible about my involvement in this entire thing. But, he's the one who was married. NOT ME.

[latergater]

I agree with this.

 

I'd also like to add that of course most women, even those with low self esteem, would avoid like the plague any man who they KNOW is a serial cheater. The thing is, these women often don't REALISE there is a serial cheater working his way into their hearts, and ok, of course they know the man they're with is already married and so he's CHEATING, but then all the rationalisations and justifications come into play...he's unhappy with his wife, he never really loved her, he made a mistake marrying her cause he didn't know what he wanted and now he does and it's ME, and he will eventually be WITH me properly, just give him time, BLAH BLAH BLAH...the list is endless.

 

But basically, in MOST scenarios, any woman who has a fairly healthy amount of self esteem simply isn't willing to be in a relationship where they are not the ONLY woman for their romantic / intimate partner. It's a horribly damaging situation most of the time. Damaging to self esteem. And the women with lower self esteem don't take the hit quite as hard (at first) because their self esteem is already low...

 

I don't think we all have low self esteem. This is one of the only men I have ever had feelings for. He was the guy I was looking for my entire life. I was engaged twice before and broke both of the engagements off. Maybe I have emotional issues - not being able to immerse in the right kinds of relationships. Who knows .. but this guy had qualities that I had never found in anyone else. MINUS the lying and cheating, he was PERFECT.

Edited May 19, 2013 by latergater

[latergater]

Um, you knew he was M. Look Im not trying to make you feel bad. My point was expect more for yourself.

 

And realize if you are quizzing someone about their honesty at the beginning and begging them to tell you the truth theres probably a reason......i.e. a red flag flapping in the breeze that you are ignoring.

 

Declarations of real love should not come with a lot of buts and excuses.

 

One defense against whatever sets you up for this kind of man is to decide what you want in a man and a R and measure everyone you meet against that yardstick. If they dont measure up, toss them back.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. Like I said, this has been a learning experience for me as well. I would never hurt anyone deliberately and I agree, my involvement was selfish. I fell in love with the wrong man. I should have run ... but I was vulnerable as hell. I cannot excuse it but I am a good person and I know that my heart is in the right places. I got DUPED. I will NEVER ever let this happen again. It's interesting because just recently i was asked out by a guy who was "separated." Do you know what I said? .. When your divorce is final, give me a call. I don't date men who are "separated." We are only human - always learning, and as you can see, I am taking something away from this ****ty experience.

[stevie_23]

I don't think we all have low self esteem. This is one of the only men I have ever had feelings for. He was the guy I was looking for my entire life. I was engaged twice before and broke both of the engagements off. Maybe I have emotional issues - not being able to immerse in the right kinds of relationships. Who knows .. but this guy had qualities that I had never found in anyone else. MINUS the lying and cheating, he was PERFECT.

 

No, I fully understand and agree with you actually, and I feel the same about my ex-MM too.

 

I wasn't meaning to say that being WITH the man himself means you've got questionable self esteem. I just meant that being with this person you feel is perfect for you in a NORMAL one-on-one relationship COULD be perfect, truly a wonderful and long lasting relationship...and it feels the same as that even when it's NOT one-on-one, BUT...because it's not one-on-one, it DOES hurt your self esteem and a lot of women who allow this to happen as an ongoing thing...like they're willing to sacrifice their self worth or self respect or putting THEMSELVES first (in terms of a man doing this for the woman I mean, putting her first / one and only) in order to be with the person at all. It hurts.

 

And yes, MINUS the lying and cheating and the fact you're not the only one...these men CAN be perfect for us. I feel mine was. However HE, that perfect man for you, comes part and parcel WITH the other bad stuff...and accepting that bad stuff FOR the good stuff is part of the low self esteem stuff.

[2sunny]

Are you really that immature or naive? You knew, I knew, everyone is aware that following bold part is never happening in reality. And yes the world should have no war, the world shoul have been in peace, people should have not committed any crime.

 

Enough of should/could/would, these kind of meanless, useless would never lead to anything.

 

It's not naive - it's about how I behave... And I AM accountable for how I participate.

 

I didn't reference war, the world etc - I addressed married people and boundaries.

 

 

I don't date married men.

 

And stop being so combative - you're purposely unkind every time Mount.

 

It gets old watching your meanness.

[White Flower]

 

Blondie's post was very accurate.

Hmm, that's if all SCMM are the same, which is akin to saying all white people are the same but they aren't.

My father was a serial cheater. To the outside world he was charming, good looking, had a very outgoing personality and was very kind to strangers. Women loved him, or at least the ones that didn't know the real man.

You just described xMM, with the exception that even his xOOW still love him even though they know the real him. I'm sure they're sad at the loss of the R they lost with him but they knew what they were getting into.

 

On the inside he was an abusive alcoholic who beat me and my mother, and who molested me at the age of 14. He also was very selfish with the money he earned, he spent it on his hobbies, horses, cars, his booze and the other women instead of supporting his family. We often lived in very bad conditions re: housing, but you would never have known it by looking at him, he drove a nice car, dressed nice and threw money around in front of his friends.

My heart breaks for you LG, it really does. I'm truly sorry you suffered at the hands of the very man who was supposed to demonstrate healthy boundaries, fatherly love, and who was supposed to provide a happy childhood for you. I hope you don't see all MM, even SCMM the same way. I'm not saying they're healthy, but I do believe they can become so if they seek help.

Most of these men have two very different sides to their personality and some of them are very cruel to the wife and family. I know as I lived it.

 

I'm glad you said some and not all. xMM is the epitome of an upstanding citizen and his kids adore him. The only women he hurt were those he was romantically involved with and most of those want him back for various reasons. Some SC simply are not scum even when they finally look in the mirror and see themselves for the first time as we have. Thank God for all the good therapists out there. As an update, xMM is no longer playing the field, not even with me even though we still love and care for each other very much. His learning process has meant the world to us both, us all really, and I don't want to hinder his progress in any way.

 

I wanted to make sure I was still OT so I quoted the OP:

Have any one here gone trough the same scenario? Is this type of men mentally ill? Should I tell the new OW what can she expect? since I know her. Do you think his wife of more that 30 years does not know the type of guy she has? I just wonder how he can get away with this many women without getting caught?

I asked MM today how he viewed himself back in the day when he had four or five women at a time. He said he felt like he was jumping through a lot of rings of fire and he must have been crazy to have taken the risks. He admitted it was probably an ego thing which embarrasses him now and he knows what a fool he was. He reckons he was trying to be the Man in his department which he now thinks is plain stupid. He wouldn't have said these things to me five years ago so there is progress.

 

Just know that they can overcome their ways if they want to.

 

Oh, and I believe they don't get caught because the BS likes the façade and the OOP don't want to stop a good thing. A really good player can juggle everyone's happiness. Not sure they're as sick as they are blessed with good people skills!

Edited May 20, 2013 by White Flower
Added a line.

[Mount]

Same thing I would say to you following bold part. It started from you replied /being nasty to reply my post. Would stopping replying my post for you be good idea in order not to waste both our time here - it is so meanless/pointless.

 

I am sure you don't date married men, neither do they (would date you), nor single men (would date you).

 

Please channel your grudge to the right place, what is the point you post here. You are not an OW, no one wants you be his OW, so pls shout out your words to you XH...or whatever.

 

Hope above is very clear.

 

It's not naive - it's about how I behave... And I AM accountable for how I participate.

 

I didn't reference war, the world etc - I addressed married people and boundaries.

 

 

I don't date married men.

 

And stop being so combative - you're purposely unkind every time Mount.

 

It gets old watching your meanness.

Edited May 20, 2013 by Mount

[Washingmachine1980]

Reading these posts about the actions of serial cheaters is bone-chilling. Thanks for posting. Wish we could warn and educate women all over the world about these horrible monsters.

[Spark1111]

Serial cheating is an attempt to fill a big, dark, deep void within the person.

 

The gain is temporary empowerment through ego validation.

 

There are only two questions a serial cheater needs to ask: Why do they mistreat others for temporary gain and WHAT caused that initial hole of emptiness that too many women, possessions and power can never seem to fill?

 

yes, they can be very charming, smooth, and seemingly successful and can marry for love, but all of it is NEVER ENOUGH to fill that void.

 

IT IS NEVER ENOUGH.

[skywriter]

Serial cheating is an attempt to fill a big, dark, deep void within the person.

 

The gain is temporary empowerment through ego validation.

 

There are only two questions a serial cheater needs to ask: Why do they mistreat others for temporary gain and WHAT caused that initial hole of emptiness that too many women, possessions and power can never seem to fill?

 

yes, they can be very charming, smooth, and seemingly successful and can marry for love, but all of it is NEVER ENOUGH to fill that void.

 

IT IS NEVER ENOUGH.

 

 

 

This is very accurate. I once asked the xMM that I had been involved with, "What or who would be enough to satisfy your needs?" He couldn't answer the question. He just looked confused at the question.