Weight/looks insecurities while dating, for someone that used to be thinner :(

[YonderWindow]

Im not sure if this belongs in the dating forum, but I think it does so here goes.

 

I am in grad school. A decently attractive, intelligent, nice, kind, funny and caring person overall. I have my self esteem issues like everyone else, I guess. I do think I am pretty, I think I have a pretty face, but in the last few years, for whatever reasons (stress, not sleeping, crapy lifestyle, etc) I gained a considerable amount of weight. Upwards of 40-50 pounds. Now, I know that sounds like a lot, and it is. I tend to carry it better than some girls (eg-- I am very curvy....a fairly small waist, but huge hips and huge boobs). But despite carrying it well, I have things I never had in my early 20's....I have a tummy now, I have cellulite on my thighs (a lot of it) that I never had before, my legs tend to gain fat mass the fastest and it's to wear I think they are so ugly I refuse to wear shorts or skirts. But this weight gain has put a considerable amount of nervousness and hesitation in regards to how i feel about my looks overall and my confidence beyond what I feel it should. I don't wear many of the clothes I used to wear because I dont feel comfortable in them anymore. I live in a very warm location where beaches are the norm, and I dread invites to the beach or tropical vacation planning because I abhor the thought of being in a bathing suit in front of people I know. Im sure Im harder on myself than others might be, but that's how it goes. With my hectic schedule and fluctuating depressive episodes I havent made much progress yet in losing weight but im trying.

 

I think my living situation has not helped my self esteem. So I live with this roommate of mine. She is a very nice girl, I really have no complaints about her (I almost wish she was a b*tch or something), but she's not. She's perfectly nice, in the same career/education path as me, and on top of it, she is gorgeous. Unlike many pretty girls she is not conceited or acts like she's better than anyone-- she is super nice and everyone likes her, including me. We get along great. And I am very used to bringing guy friends over and having them immediately tell me how hot they think my roommate is. It never bothered me before because they are just guy friends and I dont care if they think my roommate is hot.

 

but recently I started sort of dating this new guy, and I really hate bringing him over when she is home. He's never said anything about her, or if he finds her attractive (and why would he? that would be rude to me). He tells me often he "hates sex with skinny girls" and likes curvy girls, but at the same time he will comment on other women in general he finds attractive and they are generally thinner than I am. He himself is very fit and attractive.

 

I am aware I have a bit of a complex about my weight because I did not always have this issue growing up. It is only in the last five years that it slowly packed on (am in my early 30's). I am aware it is probably worse in my head. But I can't help but feel really self conscious lately, especially around my roommate. I have no concerns about her "stealing" boyfriends (she has her own boyfriend actually), but I cant seem to get the idea out of my head that when I bring a guy over he might be wondering if he'd met her first he'd have gotten the "hotter" roommate. The guy I am dating, his brother came over with him the other day and , as I expected, immediately told me my roommate is hot and can I introduce them.

 

I guess I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know that insecurity is not an attractive quality. I try to hide it from people I date. I'll very consciously walk naked in front of this new guy only if the lights are REALLY dim , and even then i try to cover myself with a robe or towel as quickly as I can. I refuse to walk around naked in bright lights. He made a joke about me cooking dinner naked for him one night and the funny thing is i totally would, if not for the fact that I'm paranoid that all he'd see under the fluorescent kitchen lighting is fat and cellulite flopping about.

 

it's really been a damper on my personality and Im afraid its going to ruin what i have going. I didnt have great esteem as a kid. It got better into my late teens and early 20's when I was at my peak physical level, but as i gained more weight it started to go down again. I dont want it to interfere with my mood around my guy or my roommate just because she is very pretty, but I literally start avoiding having him over when she is also home, or inviting her out with me, and I dont want to be like that. It's not good. I know its my own problem to deal with and I have to find a way to get over it. But its a slow process and I could use some good words of encouragement right now.

 

Sorry that was so long....

[USMCHokie]

What's stopping you from losing the weight...?

[ascendotum]

Keeping the lights low, avoiding certain clothing and rushing to cover up, while it might help conceal things, its not going to stop the possibility of future lbs showing up. Avoiding having an attractive room mate will ease your anxiety about yourself a little, but it wont motivate you to change. Do you want to change or you rather change your environment. Its up to you, but the fact that you said you have a fit and attractive partner, you are doing pretty well (despite your outlook), compared to a number of other people on here.

 

What sort of advice are you looking for?

[YonderWindow]

What's stopping you from losing the weight...?

 

I dont know. Because its obviously much easier to gain than to lose.

 

Its really hard to get working out into your routine when its not been a part of it in over a decade. I literally am studying upwards of 10 hours a day right now for licensing exams for school. I dont sleep very well/very much. I actually barely eat throughout the day which ends up being worse for weight loss because it makes your metabolism slow down in the long run.

 

I guess its lack of energy and that initial "jump" to just do it. I joined a gym and started going slowly yet surely but its a long long road to get results and with my current lifestyle sometimes im so tired at the end of the day that i can barely stand. The last time i went to work out i almost passed out because my blood sugar was so low because i literally forgot to eat the whole day.

 

And i guess despite all the excuses, in the back of my mind I dont think ill ever have a body i want at this point. I always hated my legs, but i really hate them now-- and cellulite is not something that really disappears once you have it.

 

It's all excuses. I know this rationally. But as anyone who is less than routinely physical can tell you, its the hardest to get it going, especially with the lifestyle i have right now.

 

So to answer your question....at the end of the day Im the only thing stopping myself, rationally, but realistically its just a slow start to doing a major lifestyle overhaul i guess.

[ja123]

There are men out there who adore a beautiful voluptous female body. They find that type to be extememly erotic. Let such a man (if this is your bf) love your body, so that maybe you can learn to love it, too.

 

But, if you're honestly not happy with the weight gain, then you must lose the weight. The Dukan Diet did it for me, but get evaluated by your doctor first.

 

Good luck!

[YonderWindow]

Be thankful hes not making comments about her. He sounds like a keeper. I know very few guys personally who dont constantly make comments about other hot women whether they are taken or not and most would definitely show it in this scenario. The fact that he hasnt said anything is good.

 

I would work on losing weight because it WILL make you feel better. You can get back to how you used to look.

 

Yes, but why would he make comments about her in front of me? That would be horribly rude....I imagine that if he has any sense he knows better than to tell me that he thinks the girl I live with is hot while he's dating me. That doesn't mean he doesn't think it I suppose, and that's what is in the back of my mind.

 

I look at old pictures of myself and get skeptical that I can get back there. I know I just have to but its so ridiculously hard to keep motivated to make it long enough to see results.

 

I dont know if he's a keeper or not-- I guess we'll find out. At the very least he isn't stupid enough to tell a girl he's dating that he thinks her friend/roommate is hot lol

[YonderWindow]

Keeping the lights low, avoiding certain clothing and rushing to cover up, while it might help conceal things, its not going to stop the possibility of future lbs showing up. Avoiding having an attractive room mate will ease your anxiety about yourself a little, but it wont motivate you to change. Do you want to change or you rather change your environment. Its up to you, but the fact that you said you have a fit and attractive partner, you are doing pretty well (despite your outlook), compared to a number of other people on here.

 

What sort of advice are you looking for?

 

Im not sure really. Just support maybe. He's a good looking guy and in shape, but it's very new (barely under two months). I know he likes things about me, but I dont feel confident enough yet in the relationship to assume that he will stay feeling that way about me. I've seen some pictures of his exes. They are all way more physically fit than I am currently. Some of them are damn near model-types. He says nice things about various features of mine (my eyes, my breasts, my whatever that he likes), and he likes that I am , as he says, more intelligent than many girls he's dated, and we have good sexual chemistry so far. I guess he must like something about me for now but it doesnt quell my insecurities, I guess because its still really new, and I take everything I DONT like about myself and compare it to other girls I know he has found attractive. He has mentioned in the past that he and his brother often "went for" simliar girls, and I guess that triggered a paranoia in me when his brother came over the other day and immediately within five minutes rambled on about how hot my roommate is (which is exactly what every other guy friend i bring over does)

 

God knows what I want. Just supportive encouragement, motivation, whatever. If you have workout schedules for beginners Im all ears too ;-)

[Maleficent]

I know exactly how you feel. I weighted 120 pounds at 20 and slowly (but surely!) gained weight during my twenties and I am now 180 pounds at 32. Somewhere in there I started working out so a lot of it is muscle mass. Still when I turned 30, I decided I was either going to do something about it or do nothing about but I would definitely stop worrying about it and you should too.

 

Most men I know who have girlfriends/wives constantly complaining about their size hate it.

 

Find a physical activity you enjoy and do it regularly. It will help you feel better.

[Leigh 87]

I did not read your whole post.

 

I Just know that there will be a guy out there who loves and adores you the way you are. Sure, a guy who loves you will probably be more sexually attracted when your fit and healthy and confident, but being a healthy version of YOURSELF is all you need.

 

I had anorexia and I went from 110 to 132 lbs in my relationship. My ex was no less attracted, but he hated how I was no longer happy in my body and show him my body naked.

 

Guys just prefer a healthy girl; if your not to their liking, they will probably not want a relationship with you if they are not attracted!

 

Your attitude would turn them off more than anything.

 

Big deal that your room mate is possibly more attractive than you are. I am not that attractive, but my attitude and love for life attracts men to me. I am only average to look at too!

[Leigh 87]

And get over your guy - it is normal for men to like a variety of women! Thick thin, you name it I am sure you guy enjoys to look at a variety of different women!

 

In the end, if he is the right guy for you, you will be enough for him.

[lino]

I think that first of all you should try in whatever way you can to lose some weight.

 

This is probably pretty obvious but you'll look, feel and actually be healthier... And it will help a lot with your insecurities.

 

I have a close female friend just like you only she doesn't have a boyfriend (sounds like your guy is a decent bloke, be thankful for that) and hasn't in some years. She use to be in great shape and a very beautiful girl. She's still very pretty now but is very overweight.

Myself and a few others have tried to help her shed the kgs over the last couple of years but she too struggles with motivation to lose weight.

 

Anyway, sorry to go on a bit there but I think being naked in front of your guy without the dim lights, robes, towels, etc and seeing him react positively to it will also help to erradicate your insecurities.

If he's with you he definitely finds you physically attractive.

[FitChick]

You didn't gain the weight overnight so you can't expect to lose it overnight. Since he is into fitness, ask for his help. Men like to help. Tell him that you want to be healthier and stronger and could he offer suggestions for proper nutrition and exercise? Don't say you are trying to lose weight!

 

Then suggest going on active dates -- hiking, cycling, canoeing, ballroom dance lessons, etc.

 

He sounds like a great guy but I fear you will sabotage this relationship with your insecurity and then blame him for being "shallow."

[YonderWindow]

I think that first of all you should try in whatever way you can to lose some weight.

 

This is probably pretty obvious but you'll look, feel and actually be healthier... And it will help a lot with your insecurities.

 

I have a close female friend just like you only she doesn't have a boyfriend (sounds like your guy is a decent bloke, be thankful for that) and hasn't in some years. She use to be in great shape and a very beautiful girl. She's still very pretty now but is very overweight.

Myself and a few others have tried to help her shed the kgs over the last couple of years but she too struggles with motivation to lose weight.

 

Anyway, sorry to go on a bit there but I think being naked in front of your guy without the dim lights, robes, towels, etc and seeing him react positively to it will also help to erradicate your insecurities.

If he's with you he definitely finds you physically attractive.

 

Yes, I know the obvious answer is "lose weight", which would make me better but I guess I look at what I deem to be irreversible consequences of the weight gain (eg- cellulite, etc) and tell myself I'll never look like I used to again. Once in a while I sort of force myself to get up out of bed totally naked without covering myself with something, but instead of enjoying how he looks at me all I can think is "sh*t, i look awful from this angle". Which is idiocy, because he's never given me any reason to think he's not attracted to me. he does odd things like planting a kiss on random parts of my body (my shoulder, my arm, my butt, whatever apparently calls to him at that moment) while im cooking or standing or something. Today he said something about going to the beach and hoping I wear a tiny bikini, and in my head I thought "wow, i would be mortified to be in a tiny bikini on the beach in broad daylight right now." We live, as I said, in a very tropical climate, with a lot of beautiful people hopping about. Up until I was about 25 I would say I had the type of figure that got complimented on a lot. But really the last 5-6 years its just gone to hell in my mind. I guess getting older plus stress of my career/education path took its toll.

 

It's my own insecurities, I know. And you'd think that despite my attempts at covering myself when walking around, he's basically seen my naked self from every angle at this point so it's silly for me to be this self conscious but it's difficult.

 

It doesn't help that my last ex who I was with for two years, and who was also a very attractive , fit guy by most people's standards, that he and I had a really bad break up last year, and while I doubt it had anything to do with looks after two years (when i met him i had already gained this weight), the fact that he started dating a perfect-bodied aerobics instructor like a month after we broke up did not help my getting over the break up. And ergo, I bring this ongoing insecurity into the current day. Which is stupid, I realise, and yet I can't seem to shake it. Obviously I am able to attract men , so I should not worry so much, but its not just them so much as it is perhaps my own disappointment of how I feel in my own body these days much of the time.

 

I suppose it takes time and slowly built up motivation....

[YonderWindow]

You didn't gain the weight overnight so you can't expect to lose it overnight. Since he is into fitness, ask for his help. Men like to help. Tell him that you want to be healthier and stronger and could he offer suggestions for proper nutrition and exercise? Don't say you are trying to lose weight!

 

Then suggest going on active dates -- hiking, cycling, canoeing, ballroom dance lessons, etc.

 

He sounds like a great guy but I fear you will sabotage this relationship with your insecurity and then blame him for being "shallow."

 

Very true-- I know its a slow process, but as we all know starting is the hardest part isnt it....

 

I feel really uncomfortable asking for his help.Dont know why , I guess because the relationship is new. I mentioned I joined a new gym and he seemed happy to offer some advice on starting out a new routine for someone who hasnt gone in a while but for some reason Im not yet comfortable with him actually seeing me work out. I feel very awkward and out-of-place at the gym right now I guess. I arranged for a few trainer personal sessions as part of my membership so hopefully they will put me on the right track, though I have to say its been really hard to make myself go regularly. After 12 hours of studying all I want to do is lay in bed and watch a TV show

 

I dont want to ruin this by showing Im insecure. I know very well how unattractive insecurity can be-- in some weird way I think he actually believes Im pretty confident because of my very open sexual nature (and in truth while "in the moment" i tend to forget about looks and just enjoy it....its only afterwards that all of a sudden im afraid to get up and walk around the room in the buff).

 

He told me he used to be very shy around girls when he was younger, so maybe that's why he isn't so conceited himself nowadays despite being a goodlooking guy. Maybe that's lucky for me. I guess everyone has their own inward securities-- who knows, maybe he doesnt like something about himself that I am totally unaware of?

 

Thank you for the words of encouragement so far. It's very helpful to be able to vent and get some response

[pureinheart]

I guess I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know that insecurity is not an attractive quality. I try to hide it from people I date. I'll very consciously walk naked in front of this new guy only if the lights are REALLY dim , and even then i try to cover myself with a robe or towel as quickly as I can. I refuse to walk around naked in bright lights. He made a joke about me cooking dinner naked for him one night and the funny thing is i totally would, if not for the fact that I'm paranoid that all he'd see under the fluorescent kitchen lighting is fat and cellulite flopping about.

 

it's really been a damper on my personality and Im afraid its going to ruin what i have going. I didnt have great esteem as a kid. It got better into my late teens and early 20's when I was at my peak physical level, but as i gained more weight it started to go down again. I dont want it to interfere with my mood around my guy or my roommate just because she is very pretty, but I literally start avoiding having him over when she is also home, or inviting her out with me, and I dont want to be like that. It's not good. I know its my own problem to deal with and I have to find a way to get over it. But its a slow process and I could use some good words of encouragement right now.

 

Sorry that was so long....

 

GF, I see two issues here...the roommate and personal insecurities.

 

This is just a different perspective. Ok, let's say this guy "secretly" has the hots for her and after awhile begins to act on it- you WILL see it if you are intune.

 

The question you should ask yourself is, do you want some guy that would be swayed this easily- wouldn't you want a guy that is completely into you- no matter who "you" is at the time? Shoot girl, there will always be somebody prettier, smarter, you get it...

 

I'd say this is the greatest litmus test to see what this guy, or any other guy is all about, meaning your roommate...hey if she's cool, build a relationship with her, guys come and go, she on the other hand could turn into a lifetime friend. I love being around people that are prettier/smarter/thinner because itencourages me to be the best I can be. Actually it gets me off my a** to try harder. So what if she gets most of the attention...man it sure eliminates the crackheads that think with their lower extremities...these types are very superficial too.

 

Now for your insecurities. Until you love yourself and who you are at the time, they will always remain with you...you can loose 50lb's and have some confidence, BUT if you re-gain the weight, they come back. So this can't be about weight IMO.

 

Ok, here's where I'm at...now I'm about 10lb's overweight..that isn't the issue, BUT thanks to thyroid issues I have these wonderful little spider veins on my legs, not real bad, but they bother me. I want to get a tan, so I must overcome the other issue. In my mind I say screw it, if I want a tan something has to be exposed. Also swimming will take care of the extra weight...so homechick will break out the spider veins in the open to accomplish my two other goals...man I hope this makes sense!

 

Hey if a guy doesn't want my spider veins then they don't want me!

 

Go for it girl- love yourself for who you are NOW and trust me, the weight will come off without your knowledge!

[Leigh 87]

I just want to chime in again,

 

It is possible for a man who is totally in love with his girlfriend, to still look around and appreciate other body types.

 

Always remember that he right guy for you will look at other women, but he will not want them in the same way that he wants you JUST because they have a thinner body type to you, or if they are just better looking than you in general.

[pureinheart]

Very true-- I know its a slow process, but as we all know starting is the hardest part isnt it....

 

I feel really uncomfortable asking for his help.Dont know why , I guess because the relationship is new. I mentioned I joined a new gym and he seemed happy to offer some advice on starting out a new routine for someone who hasnt gone in a while but for some reason Im not yet comfortable with him actually seeing me work out. I feel very awkward and out-of-place at the gym right now I guess. I arranged for a few trainer personal sessions as part of my membership so hopefully they will put me on the right track, though I have to say its been really hard to make myself go regularly. After 12 hours of studying all I want to do is lay in bed and watch a TV show

 

I dont want to ruin this by showing Im insecure. I know very well how unattractive insecurity can be-- in some weird way I think he actually believes Im pretty confident because of my very open sexual nature (and in truth while "in the moment" i tend to forget about looks and just enjoy it....its only afterwards that all of a sudden im afraid to get up and walk around the room in the buff).

 

He told me he used to be very shy around girls when he was younger, so maybe that's why he isn't so conceited himself nowadays despite being a goodlooking guy. Maybe that's lucky for me. I guess everyone has their own inward securities-- who knows, maybe he doesnt like something about himself that I am totally unaware of?

 

Thank you for the words of encouragement so far. It's very helpful to be able to vent and get some response

 

Here's one way to think about it...isn't it important what you think about him? It's a slight mindgame with yourself, although through it it might help with confidence?

 

You know what, you seem really cool. Just be you, insecurities and all- a real man is drawn to what's real:D

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am trying to picture how much of a problem it is in reality and how much is your own perception. Would you say you are obese? Chubby? I know you said 50lbs but you could have weighed 100lbs before so it doesn't tell much.

 

Obviously, you - looks and personality are attractive enough to get hot guys. Trust me, he wouldn't be dating/committing to you if he wasn't physically attracted. As for your roommate, he may find her pretty - but without the "connection" it's completely meaningless and not something he is gonna give a second thought to. I am sure your intuition would be able to tell if something is off.

[YonderWindow]

I am trying to picture how much of a problem it is in reality and how much is your own perception. Would you say you are obese? Chubby? I know you said 50lbs but you could have weighed 100lbs before so it doesn't tell much.

 

Obviously, you - looks and personality are attractive enough to get hot guys. Trust me, he wouldn't be dating/committing to you if he wasn't physically attracted. As for your roommate, he may find her pretty - but without the "connection" it's completely meaningless and not something he is gonna give a second thought to. I am sure your intuition would be able to tell if something is off.

 

I think that telling you my weight won't give a good image of what i look like-- I tend to weigh much more than I look. When I was "thinner" and fit looking, at my peak, I weighed around 140-150 lbs. Right now I am 190-200 lbs, which is far above what is healthy and happy for me, but I do not look round and chubby like you would imagine for that weight I guess which is good. I am not very short, I am not super tall-- around 5'7". I carry weight in a very "hourlgass" distribution. Thick thighs, big boobs, big butt, smaller waist. I have never been a stick-thin type, which is fine, I will never be someone who is 110 pounds, but there used to be a time when I did not shudder at the thought of my thighs seeing sunlight, my cellulite wrapping my entire upper legs, and my stomach hanging out when I sit down. I remember a time when I'd lay on my side in bed and have a man's hand on my stomach and not worry that my stomach was needing to be sucked in horribly lol. When I was younger I was comfortable wearing shorts and skirts-- these days I'd never wear shorts because all I see are huge dimpled thighs that rub together so much when I walk that it becomes red and irritated!

 

If you look at this link, the picture of the model in the first posting is very similar to my current body type (except she is in a magazine so all her cellulite and imperfections are photoshopped out I am sure :-P). I also think she has much nicer legs than I do-- that is where I tend to gain weight first/the most, and my most hated body part. Truth be told aside from thinking she has nicer legs, I look very simliar to the model in this photo, both face and body (she's not my twin or anything but I'd say it gives a decent idea of what I look like):

 

Plus size models - The Debate Team - BabyCenter

 

There is another photo of her on this page if you scroll down a few posts (it is of her sitting down) and its also a pretty accurate idea of what I look like when I sit down (eg- the stomach rolls i was talking about, the thick thighs):

 

Plus size models - The Debate Team - Page 3 - BabyCenter

 

Anyway I agree he must be attracted to me on some level, otherwise he wouldn't come back. But the horrible relationship I had the last couple years before him (the guy really screwed me over, and cheated on me with an aerobics instructor...what a cliche) coupled with the weight gain put a damper on my self esteem and Ive had a little trouble accepting my "new" body. I know I havent put any effort into really trying to see what effect exercise can do to bring me down a little, and I should. I guess in some ways when I was younger I felt like I was the "pretty" friend, and now I live with this gorgeous , nice girl and when we would go out together I would just feel like I was sitting back in the shadows while every guy we met was drooling over her.

 

I havent been able to fit into any of the clothes I used to go out in. Jeans are torture for me to try to wear now-- my curvy body type makes it hard to find clothes that fit and I just feel confined and stuffed into them like a sausage. If it fits my waist, its way too small for my thighs/hips. If it fits my thighs/hips, its way too big for my waist. If it seems to be bearable when standing, I feel like its going to cut off my circulation when I sit down and my stomach rolls over. I've taken to dressing like crap most days at school-- black yoga pants/sweats/anything stretchy and tank tops. I used to take more pride in what I wore on a casual basis and since I stopped being able to fit into most of my clothes it really brought me down. Being on a student budget does not allow an overhaul of my entire wardrobe and I guess I just started feeling pathetic and sorry for myself. I stopped enjoying even trying to look for clothes because I never like how anything looks on me unless its a long black dress or something that brings more attention to my top/shoulders and hides everything else.

 

Listening to myself on here I truly sound pathetic. I swear I do not sound this bad in person (god knows i would never try to act this insecure in front of people I date), but there's only so long that I can hide it from someone until they start to notice that I avoid all gatherings involving a beach, or never let them see me walk across a room with the lights on, or that I avoid going out with certain female friends, or whatever the case is!

 

In the back of my mind I know that men are less critical of us than we women are of ourselves. Everyone has insecurities, even men. But it's the sad world we live in where so much stress is put on how one looks, and combine that with the fact that I just dont physically feel comfortable in my own skin and it makes for a neurotic obsession with this idiocy of worries over my roommate being in much better shape than me.

 

On the bright side he also tells me my cooking is the best he's ever had. Way to a man's heart is through his stomach right? Something like that. :-P

[YonderWindow]

I just want to chime in again,

 

It is possible for a man who is totally in love with his girlfriend, to still look around and appreciate other body types.

 

Always remember that he right guy for you will look at other women, but he will not want them in the same way that he wants you JUST because they have a thinner body type to you, or if they are just better looking than you in general.

 

Good/valid point-- keep trying to tell myself that the "good" guys want you for you and not just how perfect your arse is. Hard to forget sometimes when you're having a "moment"

[tbf]

I am in grad school.

 

I will admit despite my amazing career

Are you in an amazing career or in grad school?

 

but recently I started sort of dating this new guy

 

I started dating someone very recently-- maybe a month ago, not even.

Is this the same guy from your April 30th, 2013 thread where he wanted a break after only dating for around three weeks, flipping out over selling his home and needing to find a rental unit? Your response is relevant to how I respond to this thread.

 

It is only in the last five years that it slowly packed on (am in my early 30's).

 

I am 30

You were 30 on April 30th but now you're in your early thirties?

 

Sorry, we get so many trolls and sock puppets on LS, that I hate wasting my time trying to help them.

[YonderWindow]

Are you in an amazing career or in grad school?

 

 

 

Is this the same guy from your April 30th, 2013 thread where he wanted a break after only dating for around three weeks, flipping out over selling his home and needing to find a rental unit? Your response is relevant to how I respond to this thread.

 

 

 

You were 30 on April 30th but now you're in your early thirties?

 

Sorry, we get so many trolls and sock puppets on LS, that I hate wasting my time trying to help them.

 

Hi

 

I try to avoid specific details to keep myself anonymous so sometimes it fluctuates.

 

I dont think my exact age is relevant-- my point was that up until my mid-20's my weight was fine no matter my diet or exercise level, and after my mid-20's, over the last 5-ish years, it has packed on. I am circa the 30-year-old-ish mark.

 

I am in grad school, gearing up to enter a very demanding yet rewarding profession. I am not yet working. I used to have a career in a similar field that required a lesser degree, and I stopped working to go back to school.

 

Yes this is the same guy from recently. He had a really odd flip-out for a couple days where he thought he wanted to break up because he was stressed out, but after only a couple days he decided he was being an idiot and went back to normally dating me, so I let it go for now. Apparently there was some personal family thing that really triggered it that he hadnt wanted to talk about. I didnt press on it, since he's been pretty normal again since.

 

I hope that helps? I don't get the point of trolling.....surely people have better things to do than make up stories to strangers? I should be studying more than writing online posts, trust me, but this is a good/anonymous way for me to vent.

 

cheers

[pureinheart]

You know, I have to wonder if this guy doesn't contribute or "pull out" some of your insecurities.

 

It's something I sensed in your earlier posts in this thread, but lacked info and couldn't put my finger on why the real cocky side was coming out of me in my responses.

 

In another thread a poster mentioned in an abusive situation that the guy was "testing" her for the next round of abuse she encountered. I have to wonder if this freak out of his was not the same thing- a test to see what he could get away with.

 

Girl, I've had a lot of relationships with men who play games- I can almost smell it now.

 

Now this freak out could have been a "freak" incident or....typically a guy or girl, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship will not do anything to jeapordise the girl or guy he/she is trying to win...

[YonderWindow]

You know, I have to wonder if this guy doesn't contribute or "pull out" some of your insecurities.

 

It's something I sensed in your earlier posts in this thread, but lacked info and couldn't put my finger on why the real cocky side was coming out of me in my responses.

 

In another thread a poster mentioned in an abusive situation that the guy was "testing" her for the next round of abuse she encountered. I have to wonder if this freak out of his was not the same thing- a test to see what he could get away with.

 

Girl, I've had a lot of relationships with men who play games- I can almost smell it now.

 

Now this freak out could have been a "freak" incident or....typically a guy or girl, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship will not do anything to jeapordise the girl or guy he/she is trying to win...

 

Yeah, I think he is midly scared of relationships-- its probably why his little freak out made him even think about breaking up , even if momentarily. It didnt have anything to do with me, but the fact that he freaked out that he wouldnt be able to handle a new relationship with "other" stress. Which can be a warning sign of his ability to handle a relationship overall, but that's a thread for another day. In general, or with respect to this topic, right now , he hasnt done/said anything before or after that to make me think he's testing me in any way, at least at nothing I recognise as such. He's usually pretty complementary towards me and polite. He is from a different cultural background than I am and it is a cultural norm for people to seem very brash, forward, blunt, and almost rude at times but its really just a cultural thing and how they speak and they mean no ill-will about it. I've been here a while and I'm pretty used to it by now :-) though it did take some adjusting. I have to say in some ways I prefer it because in England its the social norm to sort of sugar-coat things you say and be very indirect in hopes of being polite and not hurting someone's feelings, while here the social norm is to be VERY direct-- no playing games-- and if you want something you say it, and if you no longer want something you also say it, or if you don't like something you say it, which at first was hard to get used to but as I said, it's pretty standard now. He can be emotional but fr the most part is very straight forward about things he's feeling at that moment, so I guess I just try to take it face value for now.

 

Anyway he hasn't done/said anything to make me feel insecure about my looks. If anything he's been being complementary. My insecurities where there before we started recently dating unfortunately. I hope when I meet new people they would get better but they dont seem to.

 

I woke up this morning feeling shlumpy and half awake , and walk into the livingroom to find my roommate floating through the apartment in a lovely dress, looking like a magazine cover, and all I can think is -- wow. I look so sloppy all the time, no matter what I try to wear or do I never look as put together as her. I start to feel sweaty within five minutes of walking around in the heat here and my thunder thighs feel like they will make the earth shake if I step too hard. These are the thoughts in my head, and trust me they were not placed there by the current guy I'm seeing in any way lol

 

He may not be around in the future, i mean who knows its a new relationship, but with specific regards to my insecurities about my weight and looks, this is something I've been struggling with for a few years now and its definitely gotten worse, not better. My roommate in undergrad college, some decade ago, was also the tall, skinny model type that boys fell all over and it used to drive me insane. And I wasnt even overweight at the time. And she was frankly an idiot-- like, not a good person, and not super smart, so I told myself, christ, at least Im a better person than she is. But this girl, my roommate, is the first friend ive had in a long time that makes me feel this insecure on top of everything else , and I think its partially because she is NOT an idiot. She really is perfect. She's pretty nice, pretty smart, gorgeous, everyone gets along with her. There's nothing wrong with her (at least not obviously). It has done a wickedly good job of compounding my recently sh*tty self esteem issues.

Edited May 18, 2013 by YonderWindow

[USMCHokie]

There's nothing wrong with her (at least not obviously). It has done a wickedly good job of compounding my recently sh*tty self esteem issues.

 

I am one of the few people on LS who believe that self-esteem alone is not enough. If you want to feel good, you have to be good.

 

It's why I disagree with teaching kids that they are special "just the way they are," because eventually reality comes to slap them in the face, causing them to question the very self-esteem they grew up believing was enough.