Do i even have a chance?

[ChelleBelle08]

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me about a month ago. This occurred after too much fighting that was gradually starting to happen...turned out the too much fighting was due to him being sick of trying so hard and getting nothing back from me..

 

Ive had a rough past, i tend to hold back my feelings. he would tell me how much he loved me and would give him nothing back. I ended up talking to him a week later, and did open up to him and tell him how i really felt, which obviously he loved, but he was afraid about it due to me not being able to do this when we were together.

 

I do love this man...to pieces, and i do not understand why i didn't realize this or tell him in time. We have been hanging out once to twice a week. we have hooked up, and he does tell me he loves me. He has called me twice to come over at 3 am when drunk, which he never went out while we were dating (not that i really think this is a good thing).

 

We have had multiple conversations, from him needing space, to him wanting to try. Now i just feel desperate because i keep trying and im not getting much back from him. He is sometimes trying, but at the same time im a girl and need a lot more than what he is giving me. I am confused on a daily basis, and now starting to wonder if what he is telling me is true or not. He is angry, and the littlest things i say can set him off angry and yelling at me.

 

Also, work and money issues have been very difficult for him the past few weeks and he tends to distance himself when that happens.

 

I am usually a very strong and independent woman, who when dumped completely stops talking to that person and moves on...in this case i cannot. I feel that it isn't over and I really don't want it to be... He has called me twice saying he wants to try after he doesn't hear from me for a few days, then when we start talking he seems to try to want to get the upper hand and act like he doesn't want to be with me. I know these are immature games i shouldn't deal with, but being away from him is destroying me on a daily basis and i feel like we should not be apart....i need advice sooo bad!!

[JTP]

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me about a month ago. This occurred after too much fighting that was gradually starting to happen...turned out the too much fighting was due to him being sick of trying so hard and getting nothing back from me..

 

Ive had a rough past, i tend to hold back my feelings. he would tell me how much he loved me and would give him nothing back. I ended up talking to him a week later, and did open up to him and tell him how i really felt, which obviously he loved, but he was afraid about it due to me not being able to do this when we were together.

 

I do love this man...to pieces, and i do not understand why i didn't realize this or tell him in time. We have been hanging out once to twice a week. we have hooked up, and he does tell me he loves me. He has called me twice to come over at 3 am when drunk, which he never went out while we were dating (not that i really think this is a good thing).

 

We have had multiple conversations, from him needing space, to him wanting to try. Now i just feel desperate because i keep trying and im not getting much back from him. He is sometimes trying, but at the same time im a girl and need a lot more than what he is giving me. I am confused on a daily basis, and now starting to wonder if what he is telling me is true or not. He is angry, and the littlest things i say can set him off angry and yelling at me.

 

Also, work and money issues have been very difficult for him the past few weeks and he tends to distance himself when that happens.

 

I am usually a very strong and independent woman, who when dumped completely stops talking to that person and moves on...in this case i cannot. I feel that it isn't over and I really don't want it to be... He has called me twice saying he wants to try after he doesn't hear from me for a few days, then when we start talking he seems to try to want to get the upper hand and act like he doesn't want to be with me. I know these are immature games i shouldn't deal with, but being away from him is destroying me on a daily basis and i feel like we should not be apart....i need advice sooo bad!!

 

I don't want to sound harsh but the first thing you really need to do is accept it's over. Accept it straight up before you can progress.

 

I would cut out the sex if you want a relationship and it may be helpful for you to open up a little bit towards him, regardless of your past you should be willing to make this work as well as you can so you should try your best for this person as well.

 

I have the exact same sadness I am apart from my ex and it is destroying me, nothing but pain in my chest.

 

Good luck.

[ChelleBelle08]

i have opened up 100% to him...i told myself i was going to tell him how i feel whether or not it fixed anything and i did...for myself and for him. i told him how i feel about him, why i couldn't tell him and what i want...this was probably 4 weeks ago now... i feel so good that i did that, i feel like i can finally be myself with him but now, im not getting the chance. Sometimes when we are together things get complicated, or if we talk it turns into a fight. I don't know whether to show him attention which he has wanted for 6 months or give him space since he dumped me and hope he comes back...

[JTP]

i have opened up 100% to him...i told myself i was going to tell him how i feel whether or not it fixed anything and i did...for myself and for him. i told him how i feel about him, why i couldn't tell him and what i want...this was probably 4 weeks ago now... i feel so good that i did that, i feel like i can finally be myself with him but now, im not getting the chance. Sometimes when we are together things get complicated, or if we talk it turns into a fight. I don't know whether to show him attention which he has wanted for 6 months or give him space since he dumped me and hope he comes back...

 

I think NC would be best now, this would seriously play with his head to the point that he is going to want to come back to you..

[Minneloa]

We have had multiple conversations, from him needing space, to him wanting to try. Now i just feel desperate because i keep trying and im not getting much back from him. He is sometimes trying, but at the same time im a girl and need a lot more than what he is giving me. I am confused on a daily basis, and now starting to wonder if what he is telling me is true or not. He is angry, and the littlest things i say can set him off angry and yelling at me.

 

I am usually a very strong and independent woman, who when dumped completely stops talking to that person and moves on...in this case i cannot. I feel that it isn't over and I really don't want it to be... He has called me twice saying he wants to try after he doesn't hear from me for a few days, then when we start talking he seems to try to want to get the upper hand and act like he doesn't want to be with me. I know these are immature games i shouldn't deal with, but being away from him is destroying me on a daily basis and i feel like we should not be apart....i need advice sooo bad!!

 

Hi CB,

 

First of all, I am sorry that you are hurting. The situation you describe above sounds absolutely crazy-making. Limbo stinks! Plus, your ex is acting like a real jerk.

 

To me, the key quote from your post is, "I keep trying and I'm not getting much back from him." Except, it seems, mixed messages, angry outbursts, booty calls, and what reads to me like guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation. Ugh!

 

What I want to say is: you do not deserve this treatment, even if you feel you failed in some ways during the relationship.

 

You say that you love this man. But I urge you to show some love towards *yourself*. To that end, my advice is: Tell him that you cannot continue on this emotional rollercoaster. Ask him if he is interested in working together towards reconciliation. If he is not, or if he refuses to give you a straight answer, walk. Life is too short to be strung along by a bitter ex who wants revenge (worst case scenario in your current situation).

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.

[Minneloa]

I think NC would be best now, this would seriously play with his head to the point that he is going to want to come back to you..

 

This isn't the point of NC, which is designed to give a person the time and space to grieve the loss of a relationship, recover, and move on.

 

Also, from what the OP posted, she desires less game-playing, not more.

 

So if she chooses to go NC, it should be for herself and her emotional well-being, not to elicit reactions from her ex.

[ChelleBelle08]

Hi CB,

 

First of all, I am sorry that you are hurting. The situation you describe above sounds absolutely crazy-making. Limbo stinks! Plus, your ex is acting like a real jerk.

 

To me, the key quote from your post is, "I keep trying and I'm not getting much back from him." Except, it seems, mixed messages, angry outbursts, booty calls, and what reads to me like guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation. Ugh!

 

What I want to say is: you do not deserve this treatment, even if you feel you failed in some ways during the relationship.

 

You say that you love this man. But I urge you to show some love towards *yourself*. To that end, my advice is: Tell him that you cannot continue on this emotional rollercoaster. Ask him if he is interested in working together towards reconciliation. If he is not, or if he refuses to give you a straight answer, walk. Life is too short to be strung along by a bitter ex who wants revenge (worst case scenario in your current situation).

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.

 

thanks so much, you give great advice and stated exactly what i am thinking. I have tried, he has told me he understands how i feel about him. He is a jerk, at times sweet and loving and other times angry for no reason..has no time or money when i ask to see him, but calls me up drunk after he went to the bar.....

 

I feel horrible about what i did to him, because thats the type of person i am. I do take the entire burden and put it on myself. But ive gotten to the point where he needs to forgive me and work with me or stop dragging me along, but im not getting these answers and i don't want to keep asking him about it. Im stuck between continuing to fight and try, because thats what he did for me for 6 months and maybe thats what he wants me to do, or just give him space and time to figure it out...

[JTP]

Yes, you are right and I apologise. My head is all over the place at the moment and I shouldn't have even posted her - I am sorry for confusing you OP. That was not my aim.

[Minneloa]

thanks so much, you give great advice and stated exactly what i am thinking. I have tried, he has told me he understands how i feel about him. He is a jerk, at times sweet and loving and other times angry for no reason..has no time or money when i ask to see him, but calls me up drunk after he went to the bar.....

 

I feel horrible about what i did to him, because thats the type of person i am. I do take the entire burden and put it on myself. But ive gotten to the point where he needs to forgive me and work with me or stop dragging me along, but im not getting these answers and i don't want to keep asking him about it. Im stuck between continuing to fight and try, because thats what he did for me for 6 months and maybe thats what he wants me to do, or just give him space and time to figure it out...

 

Hi CB,

 

With all due respect, I think you do have his answer, in the form of his refusal to take your question seriously and his current treatment of you. Doesn't this behavior give you pause about possibly reuniting with him?

 

Your pain is nearly palpable from your posts, so I want to be gentle. That said, I strongly feel, from what you have posted, that the best option for your emotional health and self-preservation is to move on with your life and let him stew in his own bitter bile.

 

I know that this is much easier for me to say than for you to do. However, I am hopeful that the voice inside you that thinks his behavior is childish, manipulative, and cruel will grow louder and more confident as the days go by.

 

M.

[ChelleBelle08]

i am prepared to move on if necessary, but i feel like it's not time for that. I'm 27 years old with a good experience of break ups. First time ive been in love though. he is being immature and i want it to end. I want to ask him if he wants to make things better 100% or im walking away, i just havn't asked because i have not had the courage to walk away yet..

 

At the same time i havn't been myself either..ive been angry and annoying and difficult to deal with. I feel even if he did want to be with me, i could have ruined it over the past few weeks. That is currently not sitting well with me.

 

After breaking down this morning and asking him to do something, he stated "well not sure when i will be out of work, so if you find someone else to go then go because i can not let you know until an hour before" so, i just text him and said i found someone else to go and all i got was "oh okay".. i don't know if i should put in more effort or if it should be up to him now since i've laid all my feelings out on the line...

[curlygirl40]

thanks so much, you give great advice and stated exactly what i am thinking. I have tried, he has told me he understands how i feel about him. He is a jerk, at times sweet and loving and other times angry for no reason..has no time or money when i ask to see him, but calls me up drunk after he went to the bar.....

 

I feel horrible about what i did to him, because thats the type of person i am. I do take the entire burden and put it on myself. But ive gotten to the point where he needs to forgive me and work with me or stop dragging me along, but im not getting these answers and i don't want to keep asking him about it. Im stuck between continuing to fight and try, because thats what he did for me for 6 months and maybe thats what he wants me to do, or just give him space and time to figure it out...

 

So much going on here OP. Couple of things first.

 

I think you need to decide what you want and then figure out if you think you can have it with this guy.

 

Men sometimes need time to think about what they want, it's called the rubber band effect. So possibly this is why when you give him room he bounces back and then wants to try again. But yet, then when you do try again the arguments start again and round and round you go.

 

I agree that you've 'paid' enough at this point. It's almost like since you've admitted your feelings that he's punishing you for not being open with him during your relationship. That's wrong and it can't continue.

 

I see the fact that you are still in love with him, but sometimes love isn't enough. If you're not compatible in some key ways, if you're arguing more than you're getting along and if you've finally opened up and instead of him being grateful that you're on a more even footing he's punishing you, well then you can't build a relationship on that.

 

I think you're punishing yourself too much also, taking on too much of the burden and feeling guilty.

 

Unfortunately I think it's time to move on. But yet I know how hard that can be when your heart wants something else. So if you do decide to give it another chance, you need to set some boundaries. No more booty calls, no punishing you for things that happened in the past, etc.

 

If you really want to give it one more chance, I would step completely back and wait to see what he does. Don't answer the booty calls and make sure he treats you with respect in the meantime.

 

Best of luck!

[Treasa]

I agree with the others. He either sees your value or he doesn't. He knows you want to try again with him. However, the harder you push, the needier you'll look, and thus less attractive.

 

You need to focus on your happiness first. I was always able to get back any guy who broke up with me, but then I'd realize that I didn't think about what to do after that step. I didn't have much trust left for them, and I lost all of my self-respect and self-esteem.

 

Walk on this one. If you two should be together, it will happen again, even if not now. Right now, take care of you.

[AlexfromBoston]

Everyone has a chance ChelleBelle, even you. I know of an ex-con who scored a second chance after a 5 year stint in the clink. The real question should be, "Do I want another chance?". Did he treat you well? Does he really deserve you?

[ChelleBelle08]

so ive decided to take a step back until further notice. I cancelled the "plans" i had for us last night as he wasn't giving me a straight answer. I do believe he is playing games, and is being "hard to get" because he is defensive and angry right now. I felt good about taking a stand and doing what i need to do, but of course still upset. He did text me today about some matters we have to attend to but It was a short conversation and i did not let it continue. (in which he was still angry). I need to take this time to figure out what is going on and what i really want, and how to approach him. I do think shortly i will want to sit down and talk to him, tell him how i feel and what i want, and if he doesn't want that then i will have to walk away.

 

I am no longer initiating conversation, or making plans with him. If he wants to contact me he can, if it is during appropriate hours. i don't think i am going to see him or talk to him for the next few days, im going to try to hold out. I hope he does realize he misses me and wants to be with me, since for the past month of our "break up" we have continued to talk almost every day and see each other at least once a week. but, at the same time i have to prepare myself for if he doesn't.

 

I don't feel like he is gone yet, i usually know when they are.... just hoping for some advice or strength in giving both me and him some time and space...

[TaraMaiden]

ChelleBelle08, isn't this your 3rd BF, includimng the one you had in May last year?

 

Don't you think you deserve to give yourself some time alone?

Because girl, from your past threads, you sure can pick 'em!

 

Dump.

Ignore.

Move on.

 

Jeesh, you are so beating yourself over the head with losers!

[ChelleBelle08]

well thats pretty judgmental, last may was the complete END of a almost year long relationship, then a very short term one following that... Dating two guys in a year? i don't feel like that is such a big deal. As someone with known relationship problems i am here to GET advice not only on things i do myself, but for my lack of picking appropriate men, trust me, i am aware and trying to correct the problem...

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not criticising - I'm sympathising!!

I think you need to spend some time on your own, evaluate 'who' you are and 'where' you're at, and refine your jerk-radar.

 

The best way to do that, is to actually, consciously decide that you will NOT date for X amount of time, you will not have flings, ONS, FWB (and any other letter sequences you can think of!) and just be you, with you, for you.

 

You deserve better.

You deserve to be happy, with someone good for you.

 

You deserve the best for yourself.

Right now, I really think the best person for you - would be you.

[ChelleBelle08]

I'm not criticising - I'm sympathising!!

I think you need to spend some time on your own, evaluate 'who' you are and 'where' you're at, and refine your jerk-radar.

 

The best way to do that, is to actually, consciously decide that you will NOT date for X amount of time, you will not have flings, ONS, FWB (and any other letter sequences you can think of!) and just be you, with you, for you.

 

You deserve better.

You deserve to be happy, with someone good for you.

 

You deserve the best for yourself.

Right now, I really think the best person for you - would be you.

 

 

 

ok, well i have never had a ONS, i have slipped up with the ex a couple of times but not in awhile (not really FWB).. no flings, none of that stuff. If i meet someone who asks me out and im interested, i usually will try it out. I can't see myself turning someone down because "i want to be single" when it could be the love of my life. I have in the past realized i was not ready and did not see the guy anymore.

[ChelleBelle08]

So after taking some space for myself, about 6 days, my ex did end up calling me friday night...i did not answer or reply, until saturday morning...i was working the next few nights so he did call me yesterday and i talked to him for about 10 minutes...he did all the talking, pretty much how work was going for him and what he's been doing. He asked what ive been doing since i "havn't talked to him at all" which he played cool but was somewhat annoyed.

 

That was it, the conversation was boring, and about nothing. I expected this big convo after trying to find time to call me for 3 days and "wanting to talk to me". I expected him to ask me to do something, or anything, but i got nothing.

 

I am happy he contacted me, but i am still not at the point where i should be contacting him...i don't think. I don't want to break down and whine and harp on the relationship, but i do want to see him and talk to him. Since we determined a bit ago that we were going to "try", me not putting in any effort has been hard, but has been getting a response from him. Im at a loss for what to do, the space has been good for me...i have regained my confidence and my composure and i feel i can appropriately act if i do get the chance to see and talk to him.

 

I know he will contact me again, i am just not sure how much effort i should put in at this point. Advice would be helpful...

[TaraMaiden]

So after taking some space for myself, about 6 days, my ex did end up calling me friday night...i did not answer or reply, until saturday morning...i was working the next few nights so he did call me yesterday and i talked to him for about 10 minutes...he did all the talking, pretty much how work was going for him and what he's been doing. He asked what ive been doing since i "havn't talked to him at all" which he played cool but was somewhat annoyed.

 

Yet another caterer-size jumbo economy package of 'breadcrumbs'....

 

That was it, the conversation was boring, and about nothing. I expected this big convo after trying to find time to call me for 3 days and "wanting to talk to me". I expected him to ask me to do something, or anything, but i got nothing.

 

Yup... that's what breadcrumbs are, honey.

Decorative, but they do nothing for you, at all. Not for your benefit, see?

breadcrumbs are for the other person's benefit.... not yours.....

 

I am happy he contacted me, but i am still not at the point where i should be contacting him...i don't think.

 

Damn right. In fact, you should be in COMPLETE - NO - CONTACT! I'm kinda pi$$ed really that you even responded this time. You should not have done....

Waste of time...

 

I don't want to break down and whine and harp on the relationship, but i do want to see him and talk to him.

 

What for? to what end?

There really is no point, unless you're happy to continue this 'lather-rinse-repeat cycle of barminess....

 

 

Since we determined a bit ago that we were going to "try", me not putting in any effort has been hard, but has been getting a response from him.

No you didn't.

all you got was breadcrumbs, because you've taken the pressure off, so there's no effort coming from his part. There doesn't need to be....

'Disinterested' doesn't cover it....

 

Im at a loss for what to do, the space has been good for me...i have regained my confidence and my composure and i feel i can appropriately act if i do get the chance to see and talk to him.

No, you won't.

it may be what you believe right now, but trust me, he doesn't want to engage, and as far as he's concerned, he is happy to keep you at arm's length.

Your composure and confidence will crumble.

You need a lot more time to genuinely develop those to a reasonable level.

Any 'chance to see and talk with him' will be a definite set-back for you.....

 

You really, really do NEED to go full-blown, no-nonsense No Contact.

 

I know he will contact me again, i am just not sure how much effort i should put in at this point. Advice would be helpful...

 

Please, Chelle, Please - get this:

You're on a hiding to nothing.

You're sounding desperate, needy and clingy.

You really need to put all and every thought of engaging with him, again, completely out of your mind.

 

This.

Isn't.

Working!

 

Your total effort should be solely and singularly focused on going No Contact and staying there.

Not breaking it, not responding, not replaying, not engaging.

 

Quit now, and start your own road to recovery, because with him?

 

It's going absolutely nowhere.

Edited May 21, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[ChelleBelle08]

Im confused about this "breadcrumbs" bit... im not sure what you are talking about, i don't know why keeping me around would be to his benefit...if we want to work on things we want to work on things, we needed some space...

[Simon Phoenix]

Im confused about this "breadcrumbs" bit... im not sure what you are talking about, i don't know why keeping me around would be to his benefit...if we want to work on things we want to work on things, we needed some space...

 

It's an ego boost. You responding to him boosts his ego, nothing more, nothing less. Six days isn't space -- six weeks is space. You aren't doing yourself any favors whatsoever.

[TaraMaiden]

Im confused about this "breadcrumbs" bit... im not sure what you are talking about, i don't know why keeping me around would be to his benefit...if we want to work on things we want to work on things, we needed some space...

 

This tells me you're ignoring advice to READ THE NO CONTACT GUIDE!!

 

It's all explained in there!

 

Keeping you around is good for his ego.

It gives him attention.

he doesn't need to give you anything back - as you discovered during his boring, and completely one-sided conversation!

Keeping you around is for his benefit, not yours.

 

And as Simon Phoenix pointed out, 'space' entails a good few months of complete and total NO Contact!!

 

The Guide is there for you - for YOUR benefit, for your healing, for your moving on.

It makes no concessions for anyone who is yanking your chain.

 

Read the guide, for chrissake's and stick to it!

[aisuru]

This tells me you're ignoring advice to READ THE NO CONTACT GUIDE!!

 

Itr's all explained in there!

 

Keeping you around is good for his ego.

It gives him attention.

he doesn't need to give you anything abck

Keeping you around is for his benefit, not yours.

 

And as Simon Phoenix pointed out, 'space' entails a good few months of complete and total NO Contact!!

 

The Guide is there for you - for YOUR benefit, for your healing, for your moving on.

It makes no concessions for anyone who is yanking your chain.

 

Read the guide, for chrissake's and stick to it!

 

*sigh*

 

I hope you have all your various responses pasted in a word document so you can copy/paste. Cause I feel like you say the same thing over, and over, and over, and over.

 

You're good people.

[TaraMaiden]

(Sad to say, I do have some, yes....! )