blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I was just curious (dumpers input here would be really awesome) what stages does the dumper go thru after the break up when they want someone back? I am a guy exactly 3 months post break up after a 6 month relationship. Anybody have experience where they went back or had someone comeback after a specific period of time and what were the steps that happened? Is 3 months getting to the stage where reconciliation starts to fade away or does it really take the dumper a while to miss you? I have been no contact completely and she has contacted me for the first time, several times in the last week with what would be breadcrumbs/stuff that is really random of her drinking, out partying, driving home with traffic, watching a movie, and her dad. These are all snapchats and its the first i have heard from her and this is all in the past week and shes blowing up my phone with them out of the blue is this weird? Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 Ask her what she wants point blank. "I can't just be your friend, so if that's what you're trying to do just drop it". This is what I texted to my ex, and she responded with "well hopefully we can hang out sometime". It pissed me off, like cmon out with what your true intentions are here! I just said I don't want to be friends, don't talk to me if that's the case and she continued to talk to me but still didn't say or suggest if she wanted to get back together. So, we'll hang out sometime I guess and I think it'll become clearer at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
siankat Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) Technically i ended things but i think it was a back handed breakup. He was in touch a few times since but nothing about what happened except once he apologised and even then, it was half ass. I got in touch about the practicalities only. After 2+ months of nothing he tried to add me on fb and strike up convo. I cut that off. Then....i text him if he had anything to say to me! First olive branch of mine since beginning of January. It obviously depends on the circumstances, why there was a break up, what the feelings were involved (which is hard to know even for the two involved), how people deal with breakups (some withdraw, some act out), some people know what is best for them and force themselves to move on, others come back after they feel all the high emotion has died down and can be civil/friendly again....the list goes on but law of averages says....dumpers 9/10 (i'm gestimating here) get back in touch sometime, for some reason, somehow....but also, and more importantly healthy reconciliations are few and far between. But for me i did not get back in touch until now - 4 months later. Same for another person on here...took him 4 months to get in touch properly Edited May 16, 2013 by siankat Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 But for me i did not get back in touch until now - 4 months later. Same for another person on here...took him 4 months to get in touch properly And the reason for you getting back in touch after 4 months?? See it sounds like he was an ******* to you and my situations different cause I treated her like a princess and then she felt smothered. Link to post Share on other sites
siankat Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 i got back in touch cos he did and yeah - he was a prick. If you smothered her, that is also something that will make someone reluctant to get in touch in case you revert to smothering mode too quickly...just something to be aware of in case she does get in touch and you do respond 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I don't think I would put some "statistic" out there how "9 of 10 dumpers come back down the line." This isn't even remotely accurate, and it leaves people who have been dumped with false hope. OP, go about your life under the impression that she will NEVER get back in touch with you. I was a dumper with my boyfriend I was with 5 years ago. What I felt after dumping him was RELIEF. I felt some guilt hurting him but the relief I felt being out of that relationship was tremendous and far outweighed any negative feeling of leaving him. Also, I dumped him and never contacted him again. I have no intention of ever contacting him either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheVillageMisfit Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Should a dumper always feel relieved? And if they don't, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 What I felt after dumping him was RELIEF. I felt some guilt hurting him but the relief I felt being out of that relationship was tremendous and far outweighed any negative feeling of leaving him. It certainly depends on the reasons for the dumping what goes through the mind of the dumper, but my experience is closer to the above. NC is typically a blessing to the dumper. Therefore something else is going on with your EX. I can't put my finger on it, but the breadcrumbs without the full-on apology makes me suspect that she wants to keep you close-but-not-too-close, blocking you from moving on. She's disappointed that you aren't on your knees begging her to come back. Don't be afraid to confronter her with "Hey, you dumped me and I am trying to rebuild my life. What gives with this creeping back into my life?" Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Should a dumper always feel relieved? And if they don't, why not? I mean it obviously depends on the situation and what the cause of the split was, but if the breakup went something along the lines of, "I don't love you anymore, I don't want to date you, and I don't see us ever getting back together" then what the dumper feels is relief. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I think the situation is just so variable. My ex was crying when he dumped me, saying I love you, but it's not enough. He was still wanting me to go on the family vacation that summer. I think, at the time, he felt really guilty and didn't want to end it. But he felt he had to at some point. A few weeks after, he said he could not find much good of the situation but still felt he made the right decision. He said it's been really hard for him. He would get really upset and start crying if I cried on the phone to him. I gave him space and stopped contacting him to talk about it. I don't know what he feels now. Relief? Could be. I don't intend to ask. The funny thing is that I actually felt some sense of relief a few days after it was over, but I was still very sad. We did have some issues to address, and I felt we needed to be apart to do so. I felt relief that I could address this issue even though it was extremely hard to not be in contact with him. It still is, but I am making it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacklavender Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 Therefore something else is going on with your EX. I can't put my finger on it, but the breadcrumbs without the full-on apology makes me suspect that she wants to keep you close-but-not-too-close, blocking you from moving on. She's disappointed that you aren't on your knees begging her to come back. Don't be afraid to confronter her with "Hey, you dumped me and I am trying to rebuild my life. What gives with this creeping back into my life?" Well see heres my dilemma, part of me wants to ask her and say something like "So I don't mean to be rude but is there a reason why you are sending my all these bizarre snap chats" but by responding to her I am giving her exactly what she wants and thats ATTENTION. Yes I want her back but I feel it just gives her power but responding especially because I dont know her true intentions. On the flip side it would ease my mind because I would probably get a response from her but then again would i really get a straight answer and hurt my chances of getting back with her? She could just be like "oh well I was just being friendly"...well this is the first time I have heard from her so just out of the blue trying to be friendly smells fishy to me... Link to post Share on other sites
IS IT Better late Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Hey Blacklavender, I'm on your same boat. I get the breadcrumbs too and I eat them all up. I struggle with this too, I would like to ask her "so what's going on here" do you want to be with me or not"? B/c she's hints towards hanging out again and even went so far to make a date with me which she later broke. So bottom line is this, actions speak louder than words. If your girl makes the effort to come see you, then you have your answer that she might just be interested in you again. Anything short of that doesn't matter. I'm in the same situation, she's kind of poking her head around my life to see what's up, but she's not making the effort to get back in so. I'm trying to leave it at that. I'm back to NC for a few days now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Meh. Who cares what they think. Most are clueless about the intense suffering they caused. And are just living their lives. I met up with my ex after 7 months and she had no idea the BU had affected me so much. She was actually sorta flattered. Lol She though about me but not much. He focus was on her new rs. It was cool seeing her and she did seem sorta interested again but aint happening. I guess i could have dug in more into how she felt that i had blocked her and did hard core NC ecetera but at this point it doesnt matter. I just dont care. I think it just made it easier on her that i wasnt around bothering. Im sure she was releived. Cav Link to post Share on other sites
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