Goodbye Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I was 8 days NC and I emailed him. Yup. Wrote it, wasn't going to send it, but did anyway. I seem to need to get more stuff out. I don't expect a reply, I just felt I had more dumping. Sorry to let my fellow NCers down. This is a crazy process for me. If I didn't have children, I'd go to a remote country and have a complete change of scenery as well as no technology. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 You can do it! It takes time. Don't be too hard on yourself. Hop back on that wagon. Please know, no one is disappointed!!! It happens. Its not about how many times you fall! Its about the amount of times you brush yourself off and get back up!!! Xoxox. You did great with 8 days, now keep that train goin'! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 Thank you. I'm wondering if NC is not for me. I have "weaned" emotionally quite a bit. I do have a long way to go before I'm recovered from this sadness. Although intellectually I know he is a lying (*&(*$, the part that also knows he loves me wants to back out a bit more slowly. I don't know. I will probably resume NC. We've had 4 breaks in NC over the past 5 weeks and each week seems to get a bit easier. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 Well even going 9 days would be better than 8, right?! Set little goals and you'll blow them right outta the park. At the end of the day, you do what you feel is best for you. Sometimes they need to hear what a douche bag ******* they are. it Also, it feels really nice to get it out. Life is a journey, not a sprint. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HonestNeurotic Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 It happens. Don't beat yourself up over it. Post here. Write him here. Hugs. Promises of Tomorrow May you find someone with thoughts for you. May - peace caress your head, Love - your heart and soul, Light - a halo of brightness and clarity of mind. ~Maderi 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I was 8 days NC and I emailed him. Yup. Wrote it, wasn't going to send it, but did anyway. I seem to need to get more stuff out. I don't expect a reply, I just felt I had more dumping. Sorry to let my fellow NCers down. This is a crazy process for me. If I didn't have children, I'd go to a remote country and have a complete change of scenery as well as no technology. Dont feel bad..It (NC) will probably be the hardest thing you ever do.. I mean, think about it, you have someone who you communicated on a daily basis(loved dearly?), and now you have to STOP dead cold as if they dont exist. It just goes against anything that makes sense. And nothing comes of it if you break it- so in effect its a lose/lose proposition..That is until you reach a point of indifference. Im struggling like hell, too. Sometimes its not bad and other days I feel like crawling the walls. Just drop back and punt...Nothing you can do now.. I wish you well TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I feel exactly like a junkie myself. I am in xMMs state on a business trip all by myself, just a couple hours away from him. As soon as I got here, I started triggering so badly I was tearing up just seeing license plates, a chain restaurant we went to once, ads for his favorite beer....everything was setting me off. Then I had these crazy thoughts that I should just rush through all my work & tell him I don't want it to be goodbye & drive to his city and see him. WTF!!! I mean, I would never actually do that, but the fact that the thought crossed my mind made me feel exactly like a junkie desperate for a fix. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to email or call him. Today I did a lot better and remembered that he doesn't want me, he doesn't want us, and I am not going to give myself to someone that isn't passionate about having me. You didn't let us down. Most of us understand how drastic & hard NC can be in the beginning. So what did you write to him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 Listen, I don't know how I feel about NC, but if you are truly trying to back away and don't want the R, then just do the best you can. Nobody can ask more than that. Chin up, and be good to yourself. It is no easy task. It is difficult to recover from the loss of any R, but our circumstances make it even more difficult. Chin up. Forgive yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 I feel exactly like a junkie myself. I am in xMMs state on a business trip all by myself, just a couple hours away from him. As soon as I got here, I started triggering so badly I was tearing up just seeing license plates, a chain restaurant we went to once, ads for his favorite beer....everything was setting me off. Then I had these crazy thoughts that I should just rush through all my work & tell him I don't want it to be goodbye & drive to his city and see him. WTF!!! I mean, I would never actually do that, but the fact that the thought crossed my mind made me feel exactly like a junkie desperate for a fix. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to email or call him. Today I did a lot better and remembered that he doesn't want me, he doesn't want us, and I am not going to give myself to someone that isn't passionate about having me. You didn't let us down. Most of us understand how drastic & hard NC can be in the beginning. So what did you write to him? Oh man, Broken Princess. That would be HARD. Yikes. I wish my exMM would actually say those words: that he doesn't want me. I wish he'd just cut my love to the quick. Tell me he wants to fix it with his wife. I'd respect that. That would give me somewhere to move on from. Instead, it is a "break" and he still "feels exactly the same way." So, I tell myself he is full of sh*t and hope that he wasn't. My email was just more of the same from last week. Just saying how much it hurts to be left in the dark, and how difficult this time of year is. How I'd have preferred honesty, brutal honesty, over sparing my feelings. I essentially invited him to tell me to F-off. Seriously. As I've noted, I do get better little by little. I'm not going to go boil anyone's bunny. It is just going to take quite a while to feel normal again. It doesn't help that I have lots of upheaval in all areas of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 Goodbye - I have so been where you are and it is very painful. I have done exactly what you just did and I regret it so badly now. I am not trying to say this to make you feel bad and I know you said you don't expect a response, but really, deep down inside, if you analyze it you really do. Don't do it to yourself. Get back up in the horse and determine you aren't going to break nc again - for your own good. Hang in there. This is the absolute hardest thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I infer that he doesn't want me....he said he doesn't want to risk losing his family and didn't want to live in fear & guilt anymore. He's never expressed that he wants to fix it with his W and honestly I don't believe he does. Otherwise he would've told her the whole truth after DDay, he wouldn't have spent 4 months debating on whether he should call me, etc. but who knows, maybe now, he's satisfied his itch with me and is happy as a clam back in his home life. And to me, by default, his goodbye message means he doesn't want me. Or at least not enough. Because if he did, he would be here in this hotel with me, trying to convince me to leave my H and figuring out how we could be together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 Im struggling like hell, too. Sometimes its not bad and other days I feel like crawling the walls. TFY I couldn't have described it better myself. Goodbye ... The vast majority of us struggle with this. For various reasons people break NC... It doesn't matter why. There are so many times when I think of all the breadcrumbs he threw me, if I truly wanted to ... I know I could be right back in the middle of it. But it wouldn't change anything for me. There is no happy ending for me...so I stay NC. You, and only you, will know when you've had enough to finally walk away for good. Until then, you take each day as it comes and you do the best you can with it...whatever that means. Don't beat yourself up. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 You know when NC is easy? When you don't care about each other and the A has reached its end OR when you still love each other so much it hurts and feels like self torture to be around each other with LC. For the first one, chalk it up to a mistake and get through withdrawal and you won't be tempted to break NC. For the second one, I know that any break of NC will be hell on earth. We both have acknowleged that one phone call sets us back to square one and makes life unbearable. Easier to try and forget. Metal chick, I also think of his kids. All elementary aged and one barely toddler. Mine are all under 13 too. Have been NC 5 months. I assume he's happy and in a comfortable place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. MetalChick...I feel peaceful with my decision to email. I re-read my email. It is dignified. It is how I feel. Honest. I'm sick of all the f-ing games. I don't mind if he knows the truth about the depth of my feelings. As I said, I doubt he'll respond, but that isn't to say I won't look for a response. I suspect I will go back to checking my email with frequency. I hope it doesn't feel desperate. Who knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 You're doing your best at this point in time, one day at a time, no more. One foot in front of the other, keep it going, we are here for you... (hugs) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 He replied with a very long email about how screwed up he is. He admits to being a lying sack of sh8t. He goes on and on about how I'm the love of his life. I realize now, those are all just words. He audaciously remarks that my email made him aware that it was over between us. He calls himself "broken." All in all, what I expected. It didn't escape me that he never suggests he will fix himself or leave his wife. He didn't tell me to f-off. He didn't tell me he was giving it the boyscout try with his wife. These things would have given me some much needed closure. I am once again, very tempted to out him to his wife. To explode his cake eating world. I guess love and hate are closely linked. What I wanted was indifference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NPP10 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 When I went NC, I found it easiest for me to block emails, phone nos., Facebook, etc. That way if I found myself in the need to HAVE to contact him, I wouldn't be able to anyways. Luckily, my best friend was very supportive of me and reassured me after every "what ifs" and my needing him. So, vent away here. We're all in this together. Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 This is a crazy process for me. If I didn't have children, I'd go to a remote country and have a complete change of scenery as well as no technology. So funny you said this....I've said the exact same thing...lol. Gotta find some shred of humor in all this I suppose for sake of sanity. Nobody is perfect. Not an excuse...just saying that all share in successes in failures. I used to beat myself up my failed first marriage even though I gave 100% and my ex left me for another. I realize I can't beat myself up constantly in life...i make mistakes. I have a choice to learn from them and be better tomorrow...or let it make me less of a person. I tend to be over analytical and consumed with doing the right thing, fixing others problems, etc...my mind has changed constantly over the years from life experiences...and if anything, I've learned to say never say never. Consequence is a part of any action. I'm facing consequences now that are really hard. I find that i have successes and failures in trying to learn each day...but they are making me a better person...i truly believe. I just hope I can get there without hurting too many 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 It's probably worth noting the cyclical nature of your feelings post-email. You wrote something similar the last time you broke NC. It might help to strengthen your resolve and hold out longer next time. :-) Very true. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBella1 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) I can understand the incredible urge to contact xAP and communicate your feeings. I am 5 weeks NC and have now ruminated on and processed every conceivable angle of the affair's dynamics. While I miss xMM terribly, I wish I could say some things to him, to defend myself. I understand why he got upset but I never had a chance to really be understood. He was just up and GONE. I know that I will never get that chance to clear the air since he ended the A and I will not be the one to break NC, even in an effort to defend myself. All that would do is prove to him that I am still in love with him, and there's no way to know how he feels. The best thing I can do, at this point, is move forward and not allow him to know that this is eating away at me. I would absolutely kick myself when/if he didn't respond or responded callously. I know what kind of person I am, I know all that I have to offer. I know my worth and unfortunately for him, he doesn't...and never will. Edited May 17, 2013 by SweetBella1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) Don't feel too bad. When I was about a month & a half out from D-day, I wrote him one last email. I didn't expect him to reply & he didn't. I broke NC again two weeks after that by phone. He did pick up but it was to say our final goodbyes. It is like cheating on a diet or falling off the wagon. Sometimes you can't help yourself, or sometimes you just need closure...whatever the reason, pick yourself back up again & get in that wagon and ride away with whatever dignity you have left. I must have about 20 drafted UNSENT emails to my ex-mm that I will most likely never send to him. It helps therapeutically to type them, JUST DON'T SEND THEM! Edited May 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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