zooeyg Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 OK, its a messed up story, here goes...by the way I'm new. So after seven years, my girlfriend just stopped taking my calls one day. I went crazy and kept calling...finally she said she needed time and space, which I didn't give her...when I went to her house, she just screamed at me and said its over...I took it as a moment of stress and anger and kept asking her to just sit down and talk to me. She wouldn't. I sent her a card and tried to back off a little but didnt do no contact. I spoke to her mom, who didn't understand...we were going to be married but there were obstacles...I went back to school and just got certified to be a teacher. She just got a good job making good money and said now our life could really start together (as in us getting aplace together which neither had the money for...this was only a couple weeks before the break up). I'm not quite sure what caused the breakup cause we never talked about it...I know she said I make things all about myself...and I've been under a great deal of stress...my dad was very sick for the past two years and died six months ago. She was great through it all, but I leaned on her way too much and wasn't really there for her. Plus there's the fact that she said I wasn't affectionate enough...didn't show her my love...I know that was because I was so damn wrapped up in myself and took her for granted as my rock not my princess. Her mom wanted us back together and told me that even though she wasnt talking she had kept my letter and still had my pictures up...so I tried contacting her a bunch more...mistake I know...her mom said she would ask her to talk to me. When she did she still refused. I was completely nuts, on no food (lost 30 lbs in 3 weeks no joke) and no sleep and I did something really stupid. I said I couldnt understand why she was treating me so bad and said she should remember that I could "embarrass" her. I would never do it and felt bad right away. She called the cops who gave me a courtsey call (their words) and said that if I contacted her she could try to go forward with a harrassment suit. I immediately sent her a text that said I was so sorry and would never have hurt her like that and that I would leave her alone. She didn't do anything negative or positive with that. I have NEVER given her the space she asked for. I truly believe that it has always been circumstance and situation that caused us problems, not a lack of love. My plan is to have no contact for three weeks, when we have an anniversary (our 7th) and send her an email apologizing and telling her how ashamed I am of my actions up to and including saying those hurtful things. That I again, would NEVER have acted on them...I was just lashing out and it was terribly wrong. Ask her if we can meet for coffee and allow me to apologize to her face and get to a place where we are civil to each other. If not, I'll say, I understand. But my actions were not the real me and I dont want us to remember each other that way. Can she forgive me? Is there any hope? She's very stubborn and strong willed and I know I made her mad and hurt her...but with the three weeks and then an email that is not grovelling or begging...just sincerely apologizing and taking responsibility do I have any chance at all? I love her very much and I do believe she loves me...I've just messed things up. Please give advice (especially females)...thanks so much. Please don't just tell me I'm the world's biggest jerk. I know what I did was wrong, but they were just angry words from a really messed up guy. Link to post Share on other sites
SNH1993 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I'm going through something similar myself man, i know how it feels. My gf of 18 months about a month ago broke up with me because i had a drug problem and she feels as if i was taking her for granted at times during the relationship. I decided to let her know i was going no contact after about a month of her leading me on and making me think there was a possible chance of reconciliation She started taking me for granted, would randomly cancel plans we had already made to go out and drink with her friends who she blew me off for all week. I just had enough and just this morning she hits me with the bomb of she will be possibly moving to another city soon and said a bunch of unneccesary things to me i guess because i called her out last night about taking me for granted and told her i was going no contact. I've been really close with her for 3 years and now it seems like I hardly know her at all lately with how cold she's been acting towards me. In a way i don't know what to think of it all, in a way i think she doesn't know how to handle the situation so that's why she may be acting this way or what's really going on with her. it's just not the person i met and fell in love with. I'm here to support you if you need me, i know my situation is tough but mine seems like nothing compared to yours. I wish you the best man, hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooeyg Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 thanks...it really stinks what youre going through too. Do you think my plan to send her an apology email on our anniversary is nuts? I know she called the cops but she was just scared...she didnt call the cops when I apologized right after...and this will be three weeks later...I know I presented myself in a very ugly way, but is there nothing to be said that she made me nuts by refusing to talk at all? Thats not how you break up with someone after 7 years. Im not planning on saying that in the email and Im not blaming her...I know I did wrong...but she knows the person I really am. I was just crazy... Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Dude, back off. Once the cops get involved you need to step back completely. She thinks you are psycho right now. If you stop contacting her now, she might eventually realize that you were just acting out of emotion and heartbreak and aren't a psycho stalker. But everytime you contact her now, doesn't matter what you say, will destroy any chance you have of having a cordial relationship with this woman. Back the f--k off! Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I have NEVER given her the space she asked for. Why not!? Back the heck up. A LOT. You are suffocating her. NO CONTACT. You need to wait for her to contact you. Push and pull can be quite valuable in a relationship. You have to push and pull correctly. Right now, the more you push, the more she pulls away. Look where that's gotten you. You sound needy. Not attractive. Total turnoff. Get your act together and take care of you for now. And give her the space she has asked for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooeyg Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 i didnt give her the space she needed because she never sat down with me and asked for it...just stopped taking my phone calls out of nowhere...i know regardless it was wrong...i will give her all the space in the world after i say how sorry i am for doing what i did...not justifying it or blaming her at all...just saying im sorry...i dont want the last picture of me in her head to be what it is now...ill leave her alone for three weeks, apologize, then disapear...i know i look ugly now but theres ugliness in all of us...ive forgiven her ugliness throughout our relationship at times...we all show that side sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 i didnt give her the space she needed because she never sat down with me and asked for it...just stopped taking my phone calls out of nowhere...i know regardless it was wrong...i will give her all the space in the world after i say how sorry i am for doing what i did...not justifying it or blaming her at all...just saying im sorry...i dont want the last picture of me in her head to be what it is now...ill leave her alone for three weeks, apologize, then disapear...i know i look ugly now but theres ugliness in all of us...ive forgiven her ugliness throughout our relationship at times...we all show that side sometimes... you keep sending one email to apologize , believe me, trust me, she knows you are sorry,dont send any more mail, or phone her, you arent helping her or yourself, let he rcontact you ....have the grace to give her space when she has requested it...she requested it by police presence.....you arent listening.....they were nice to you ......called it a courtesy call..... they were nice because she asked them to be nice...because she knows you are sorry..this i feel in my heart....if she had spoken badly of you they would not have been nice.... that is simple common sense ........now....give her the space ...let her go...set her free...if you love her you let her go......do not email do not contact...that iss pure respect and acceptance on your behalf...that is an admirable thing to do.....she will respect you fro that...................respect her and i wish you well.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooeyg Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 theres really no way this could be the last thing i send? that i move on after i send it? that she was under stress and thats why she broke it off the way she did and that i was under stress and thats why i said hurtful things? a couple of weeks of insanity can nullify 7 years of a faithful loving boyfriend? is this one apologetic email after three weeks to let her know how bad i feel really invading her space? she doesnt even have to read it if she doesnt want to... Link to post Share on other sites
SNH1993 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Man, that it a tough position to be in after 7 years man, but i understand where you are coming from with wanting to send the email. But if the cops have already called, it's better to be safe than sorry at this point. You would feel even worse knowing you got charged with harassment by this same woman you love and were with for 7 years. that would be a total punch in the stomach plus you would be in legal trouble as well. Just play it safe and wait fo rher to contact you, after 7 years i can't see her never contacting you again at all if that helps any. Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Do not email her. Write to yourself if you have to. Save the apology for another day. Accept that you may never have another day. Right now, you're gonna have to know that you behaved poorly and be mindful of your behaviors in future interactions with future girlfriends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooeyg Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 SNH1993: thanks man...i know she called the cops because she was scared i would do what i said...she didnt again after i texted her the next day with a short apology...could she really do tha with a longer apology three weeks later...? after i been leaving her alone? and i mean come on...if she had just sat down and looked me in the eye instead of not taking my calls, none of this would havehappened...i know that sounds like blaming her but im not...i take responsibility, but all i did was literally say i could embarrass her...hose words exactly...its not like i posted something or did ANYTHING...im starting to feel like the worlds worst human being...thanks for being kind...by the way were u born in 1993? Link to post Share on other sites
SNH1993 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Yep sure was man, just 20 years old here. I know the exact feeling you are talking about when you say you would rahter just have her have a face to face talk then to just ignore you. For the record, my ex has never broken up with me face to face. it always starts out with her acting weird and then i'm able to sense something is up. I ask her what's wrong and she tells me she doesn't wanna talk right now so at that point i've been through this same thing enough with my ex gf to know she is about to break up with me or something is going on. And i won't lie, it drives me crazy when she just randomly starts acting weird and breaks up with me through text. I did the same thing, maybe not to the extent that you did but i would call a couple of times and if she didn't answer there wouldlikely be holes in my wall shortly after. I know the feeling, it sucks when someone doesn't have enough heart to break up with you face to face and decide to do it through text. If you are willoing to take the risk, then go ahead and send it. I highly doubt she has just forgetten about you int hese alst 3 weeks. Maybe she is scared of commitment, whatever the situation is i personally wouldn't send anything at the moment after she already got the cops involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 theres really no way this could be the last thing i send? that i move on after i send it? that she was under stress and thats why she broke it off the way she did and that i was under stress and thats why i said hurtful things? a couple of weeks of insanity can nullify 7 years of a faithful loving boyfriend? is this one apologetic email after three weeks to let her know how bad i feel really invading her space? she doesnt even have to read it if she doesnt want to... Yes, it really is invading her space. Please listen to the posters here. We are rarely in full agreement on this forum, and we are unanimously telling you to respect this boundary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Yeah, this is one of the worst ideas I've ever seen on this forum after what you have said and done to this woman and how she reacted. She called the cops on you -- how delusional do you have to be to think that this is a good idea that she'll receive warmly? She'll think you are even more of a psycho than she already does. You are probably going to do it because you don't seem to want to listen, but it's really a tragically awful idea for you to send anything. Just let her be. If she contacts you, then you apologize. But now, it's going to look controlling and psychotic. Especially since I seriously doubt that you are going to stop here. You'll keep harrassing her. Link to post Share on other sites
lastresort Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Hang in there. Take the advice of not contacting her. When my exwife left me I sent a text to her by mistake that was ment for my brother. Saying I wish she would just die. She called the police and I got the courtesy call as well. Luckily for me I worded the text in a non threatening way. The sheeriffs even told me I was lucky. I thought forsure they would come take my guns away. When the sheriff told me I did nothing nothing wrong and their i wasn't in trouble I ended up telling him to stop harassing me and hung up on him. Never heard from them again. 3 years later I'm friends with my ex and coparenting with her. Give her the space and wait former to contact you. An email on your anniversary isn't that bad make it short no apologizes in it and then let go. Good luck my friend. PEACE Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooeyg Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 Hang in there. Take the advice of not contacting her. When my exwife left me I sent a text to her by mistake that was ment for my brother. Saying I wish she would just die. She called the police and I got the courtesy call as well. Luckily for me I worded the text in a non threatening way. The sheeriffs even told me I was lucky. I thought forsure they would come take my guns away. When the sheriff told me I did nothing nothing wrong and their i wasn't in trouble I ended up telling him to stop harassing me and hung up on him. Never heard from them again. 3 years later I'm friends with my ex and coparenting with her. Give her the space and wait former to contact you. An email on your anniversary isn't that bad make it short no apologizes in it and then let go. Good luck my friend. PEACE Thank you...im definitely going to let it go...but i think i need to apologize in it because otherwise I'm just contacting her to contact her...i did wrong and i want her to know i know that and am very sorry...and then i leave it...i just do believe that there is love there...i understand her and her actions (breaking up by simply not talking to me...childish but i totally get it because i get her)...and i know she understands me (overly emotional sometimes and under unbelieveable stress with my dad dying)...i know that if there is still love this can be forgiven...if not it can't and it doesnt matter anyway...what do you think? thanks again... Link to post Share on other sites
SNH1993 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 After 7 years i'd say it is safe to say that there is definitely still love. It would be nice if you two could sit down and have a face to face talk about what started all of this. It's wrong of her to leave you in the blue about what really happened about all of this after 7 years. But wait for her to contact you, that day will come surely. Even if it was bad news, i think it would help in your situation to give you a bit of closure as to what really happened. How have things been with you since you last posted? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zooeyg Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 eh...things have been pretty crappy...i still have time to think about it but i think i will send the email...i can't help but think that what i said can be forgiven...i mean if i actually followed through i could see her never ever forgiving me...but with words said in anger...i just hope she can forgive me... Link to post Share on other sites
SNH1993 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Ah things will get better, but i think it's not really even about what you said after the break-up. It's more of a why did she all of the sudden break up with you in the first place after 7 years is i think the real reason she isn't speaking to you. I think what you said just made it easier for her to not contact you, i imagine none of this is easy on her either. If your dead set on sending the email then i don't thinkl anybody hear can stop you at this point. She may or may not respond, which would just make things harder on you with all of this. She may just really need space and from what i've been through and learned so far with my situation, the more you keep bringing up the past the more the other person just wants to pull away. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Sending that apologetic email could very well be the last mistake you make in a long while. Picture this scenario: you send this email, she doesn't take to it too kindly, contacts the local PD and applies to take out a restraining order against you(which will be granted, because a restraining order is rarely, if ever denied). Now this little piece of paper will bar you from having ANY contact with her until it is finally sorted out in the courts...which could take months or years(depending on the workload of the system). So in summation, you will not be permitted to have ANY contact with her until the order is lifted. Sounds awful right? Well wait a few months down the road when you're drinking at your favorite sports bar and your ex and her new man come strolling in and you, being under scrutiny of the court system, will be required to flee the bar in order to avoid a violation. And if you decide to violate the order, you are looking at a no-bail charge of DV stalking, harassment and violation of an RO. So, in that case, you will be in lockup until your court date. So before you send this little email, please listen to the advice that you are receiving on this board and do not send the email...please, for your own sake. Take a deep breath, relax, enjoy the single life and understand that she may contact you again in the future. I am not a betting man but i'd drop some serious coin in betting that she will contact you in the next few months to "clear the air" or to see how you are doing. Don't come unhinged my man...a domestic violence charge is a serious matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Deerhunter Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 If you email her, you will most likely destroy any chance at all. Women hold on to sadness for a long time and then it turns to anger for a really long time. She has to get rid of that anger herself. Everytime you contact her, you are adding fuel to the fire. I know its tough right now but you have to go with NO CONTACT!!!! That also goes for not contacting her mother, friends, etc. That will piss a woman off more than anything. It seems everyone on here has advised you to not contact her. I would take that advice if you want any chance at all. This is what she has asked for and what she needs. If you love her, you will give it to her. This isn't all about you and your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Oh and a quick story to help understand the severity of your situation. I have a buddy who went through a nasty breakup which landed him a restraining order from his ex. Well, a few months later my buddy Pat was using a popular online dating site and noticed his ex was on the same site. He continued to check on her page several times...which, showed up on his exes "viewed me" icon. She went to the police and my buddy Pat was arrested for violating the RO. In the order, it barred Pat from attempting to make contact with the plaintiff via any cyber profiles. In viewing her dating profile, he actually violated his order. He was locked up for several weeks and was terminated from his job. Luckily, in the end, all charges were dropped and the plaintiff was not granted a permanent order. Don't play with fire man. Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 Sending that apologetic email could very well be the last mistake you make in a long while. Picture this scenario: you send this email, she doesn't take to it too kindly, contacts the local PD and applies to take out a restraining order against you(which will be granted, because a restraining order is rarely, if ever denied). Now this little piece of paper will bar you from having ANY contact with her until it is finally sorted out in the courts...which could take months or years(depending on the workload of the system). So in summation, you will not be permitted to have ANY contact with her until the order is lifted. Sounds awful right? Well wait a few months down the road when you're drinking at your favorite sports bar and your ex and her new man come strolling in and you, being under scrutiny of the court system, will be required to flee the bar in order to avoid a violation. And if you decide to violate the order, you are looking at a no-bail charge of DV stalking, harassment and violation of an RO. So, in that case, you will be in lockup until your court date. So before you send this little email, please listen to the advice that you are receiving on this board and do not send the email...please, for your own sake. Take a deep breath, relax, enjoy the single life and understand that she may contact you again in the future. I am not a betting man but i'd drop some serious coin in betting that she will contact you in the next few months to "clear the air" or to see how you are doing. Don't come unhinged my man...a domestic violence charge is a serious matter. Great reminder. Not to mention you really really do not want a DV charge on your record. Try finding employment in the future with a DV conviction on your background check. Nope, not gonna happen. I know you're desperate to speak with her or even hear from her. Now just isn't the time for many reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
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