It can't be over

[Scot]

I'm so scared it might be over between my girlfriend and I. We were together almost 27 months. We each have a son only six months apart from previous marriages. I am 36 and she is 38. Our boys are 10. We have practically spent every waking moment together until recently. We had the worst fight on the seventh day of being engaged. She wasn't ready to be engaged and at the same time she had moved all of her stuff into my house. She wants to be left alone and feels I will persist to chase her. The night after our fight she files a restraining order. I haven't talked to her in two weeks. I am absolutely dying inside. No violence was involved, just alot of verbal abuse between the two of us. I want to see her and talked to her so bad. I also miss her son dearly as I know my son does also. This is the first woman I have ever really loved in my entire life. I married my first wife only because she was pregnant. I do not want to lose Karen and Kevin, they are all I live for and I am having a VERY difficult time finding meaning in the rest of my life.

[Tony T]

Well, I wouldn't want to marry someone who was verbally abusive either. You have got to learn to stop losing your cool. Fighting like this is pretty low class and serves no purpose except to drive the other person away and you did a good job. Words said aloud in the heat of anger have a way of sticking in someone's head forever. You need to learn that. Women don't want to be around a ticking time bomb that could go off again the same way.

 

Even if the woman is yelling, you need to stay calm and cool. I know it's hard to do but that's just something you'll have to work on.

 

Right now, the only thing you can do is stay away from her, give her time to get her toughts together, don't chase her or pursue her in any way.

 

If you knew she was not ready to be engaged, why did you continue in that status? Why would you want to be engaged to someone who was not ready?

 

I hope you will learn to be more cool, to go with the flow more, to let love happen as it will. If you are a guy who likes to have things happen his way all the time, you will have an awful time in life.

 

Read some books on Anger. Pick up a book by Albert Ellis tiled "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." It will change your life.

 

If you ultimately want to marry the right person for yourself, YOU have to be the RIGHT person for them. You sound like a really smart guy...now you have to get some smarts when it comes to managing your anger, resolving conflicts and dealing with women in general.

 

Verbal abuse towards others will never get you anywhere except alone unless they are very sick or masochistic!!!

[Vikki]

I really feel your fiance needs to take some responsibility for her OWN feelings here. Sounds like she's confused if you ask me. She moves all her stuff into your house and at the same time feels she's not ready to be engaged??!! Huh??

 

Sounds like she agreed then got second thoughts. She's projecting her fears, her confusion onto you. I think it's a bit extreme if she merely wasn't ready to be engaged, to go to the lengths of filing a restraining order against you, don't you? I guess if she still wanted a relationship she wouldn't have done that, she'd want to work things out, she would have said 'look, I need some time', instead of: "she wants to be left alone and feels I will persist to chase her". By saying she feels you'll persist to chase her she's saying 'I don't want anything with you, leave me alone'. Maybe when she thought about a commitment like that with you it hit her that she no longer wanted a relationship let alone marriage. Or maybe she's just really confused and needs space and time to herself to work things out, perhaps this was the only way she knew how to get that. Seems strange, but only you know how good your communication was, she's not being fair to you in not wanting to even talk.

 

Like I said maybe she's completely changed her mind and just doesn't want to say it to you, doesn't want to hurt you like that, maybe it's easier for her to live with herself if she let's you think this was because of an argument. Does this make sense, hope so.

 

Please give us an update.

 

Warm hugs to you

[Scot]

Thank you. It does make very good sense. I think alot of what you are saying is correct. I guess I have a hard time understanding why she would not want to have a relaionship when all I see is the positive aspects. She always was the one who saw the flaws and shortcomings of evrything between us.

I really feel your fiance needs to take some responsibility for her OWN feelings here. Sounds like she's confused if you ask me. She moves all her stuff into your house and at the same time feels she's not ready to be engaged??!! Huh??

 

Sounds like she agreed then got second thoughts. She's projecting her fears, her confusion onto you. I think it's a bit extreme if she merely wasn't ready to be engaged, to go to the lengths of filing a restraining order against you, don't you? I guess if she still wanted a relationship she wouldn't have done that, she'd want to work things out, she would have said 'look, I need some time', instead of: "she wants to be left alone and feels I will persist to chase her". By saying she feels you'll persist to chase her she's saying 'I don't want anything with you, leave me alone'. Maybe when she thought about a commitment like that with you it hit her that she no longer wanted a relationship let alone marriage. Or maybe she's just really confused and needs space and time to herself to work things out, perhaps this was the only way she knew how to get that. Seems strange, but only you know how good your communication was, she's not being fair to you in not wanting to even talk. Like I said maybe she's completely changed her mind and just doesn't want to say it to you, doesn't want to hurt you like that, maybe it's easier for her to live with herself if she let's you think this was because of an argument. Does this make sense, hope so. Please give us an update. Warm hugs to you

[Scot]

I never said I was verbally abusive constantly. In the 27 months together we have probably only had three, maybe four arguments where mean things were said by both of us. You're right though. Calm and collected is always the best route to take regardless of what she says to me and how much I may disagree with her actions.

Well, I wouldn't want to marry someone who was verbally abusive either. You have got to learn to stop losing your cool. Fighting like this is pretty low class and serves no purpose except to drive the other person away and you did a good job. Words said aloud in the heat of anger have a way of sticking in someone's head forever. You need to learn that. Women don't want to be around a ticking time bomb that could go off again the same way. Even if the woman is yelling, you need to stay calm and cool. I know it's hard to do but that's just something you'll have to work on.

 

Right now, the only thing you can do is stay away from her, give her time to get her toughts together, don't chase her or pursue her in any way. If you knew she was not ready to be engaged, why did you continue in that status? Why would you want to be engaged to someone who was not ready? I hope you will learn to be more cool, to go with the flow more, to let love happen as it will. If you are a guy who likes to have things happen his way all the time, you will have an awful time in life. Read some books on Anger. Pick up a book by Albert Ellis tiled "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." It will change your life. If you ultimately want to marry the right person for yourself, YOU have to be the RIGHT person for them. You sound like a really smart guy...now you have to get some smarts when it comes to managing your anger, resolving conflicts and dealing with women in general. Verbal abuse towards others will never get you anywhere except alone unless they are very sick or masochistic!!!

[Vikki]

Hi Scot,

 

I think you should get together with her and ask her to please be as honest as possible with you. You really need the truth here to be able to let go and move on. It's not fair that she lets you think this is ending because of an arguement.

 

She probably wont want to admit that she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but tell her you need the truth whatever that maybe. If she does tell you how she really feels now it wont be that much of a surprise or quite as painful. I feel for you I really do, it's painful whatever way you look at it. I'm pretty sure my instincts were right, now that you've said "She always was the one who saw the flaws and shortcomings of everything between us", she's been telling you for awhile now she's not happy relating with you.

 

Warm Hugs to You

[Scot]

It's hard to believe that someone can not seem to get past certain behaviors in order to share some of the real loving feelings that exist within. I know that Karen feels a lot of love for me and that she sees things in me she has never seen in any other man, but why can't she help me grow out of the things that are actually bugging her. There are things that bug me about her, but I just look at the good things and give her the time she needs. Isn't true love about growing and accepting each other?

Hi Scot, I think you should get together with her and ask her to please be as honest as possible with you. You really need the truth here to be able to let go and move on. It's not fair that she lets you think this is ending because of an arguement. She probably wont want to admit that she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but tell her you need the truth whatever that maybe. If she does tell you how she really feels now it wont be that much of a surprise or quite as painful. I feel for you I really do, it's painful whatever way you look at it. I'm pretty sure my instincts were right, now that you've said "She always was the one who saw the flaws and shortcomings of everything between us", she's been telling you for awhile now she's not happy relating with you. Warm Hugs to You

[Vikki]

Hi Hon,

 

Yes, true love IS about growing and accepting each other. Maybe her love for you has changed to the point where she doesn't want to accept these things about you, she doesn't want to work on OR tolerate them anymore, I don't know, I'm only guessing here LOL. I really don't think this is about you, really, it's about her, her baggage. You need to talk to her, your answers are within her.

 

When you say behaviours are you referring to the verbal stuff or something else? What is it about you that bugs her? It doesn't seem like she wants to work on anything for anything to change. Somethings changed in her.

 

Warm Hug Scot

[Scot]

I thought I had responded, but did not see my response, so here goes again. Thank you so very much for your kind words. It seems to me like she is bothered with my decision making and judgement. She says I don't think things over enough. She's bugged with my behaviors not the verbal stuff.

 

I feel so bad because my son is now starting to feel unhappy and misses her son. This is so very hard. I wish she would talk to me.

Hi Hon, Yes, true love IS about growing and accepting each other. Maybe her love for you has changed to the point where she doesn't want to accept these things about you, she doesn't want to work on OR tolerate them anymore, I don't know, I'm only guessing here LOL. I really don't think this is about you, really, it's about her, her baggage. You need to talk to her, your answers are within her. When you say behaviours are you referring to the verbal stuff or something else? What is it about you that bugs her? It doesn't seem like she wants to work on anything for anything to change. Somethings changed in her. Warm Hug Scot