Couples therapy

[LaLa88]

I apologise if there has already been a forum on this topic, but I'd like to know people's views in Couples counselling?

If your not for it, then please tell what would you recommend as the 'last resort' to saving your relationship?

[TaraMaiden]

It depends.

Counselling is a tool to secure effective communication.

It isn't a fail-safe sure-fire method designed to keep people together.

Judging by your last thread, you are desperate to find any which way means to secure your relationship with your BF and fix him - because he's a liar.

 

What makes you think he will be any more honest during counselling....?

 

It's something you both have to want, 100%, work on 100% and put into effect 100%.

 

You have to own your individual responsibilities and do whatever it takes to keep this thing going, on an even keel, honestly and with complete dedication.

 

Looking at all of the above, I'm not sure you're both reading the same book, let alone on the same page.....

[TaraMaiden]

I apologise if there has already been a forum on this topic, but I'd like to know people's views in Couples counselling?

If your not for it, then please tell what would you recommend as the 'last resort' to saving your relationship?

 

There is nothing you can do to influence him, change him fix him or steer him into changing.

 

SO:

 

What you need to ask yourself, is the following.

 

"What emotional needs am I getting fed, in this relationship?

Is it fulfilling?

Is it satisfactory?

Do I trust?

Do I respect?

Am I respected?

Are we communicating effectively?

What is the emotional payoff I am getting, that keeps me tied to this?"

 

See, the relationship, as it stands, is toxic.

 

Why do you keep eating it?

[therhythm]

wow.. people in this forum are sure prompted to advise to break a relationship very easily.

This woman is asking what can she do to heal her relationship and we give her advise to break even without knowing what is exactly her case?

I think it is easy to advise someone to break his/her relationship when you do not have any investment in that relationship.

 

OP, counseling is a great choice to try to find out what is broken in your relationship. There are many factors to consider when in a relationship but to me the only one that really matters is "do you still love him?" and "does he still loves you?"

 

If the answer to both questions is yes and there is willingness to heal from both parts you will make it if not you will know that you have tried it!

 

Good luck!

[salparadise]

wow.. people in this forum are sure prompted to advise to break a relationship very easily.

This woman is asking what can she do to heal her relationship and we give her advise to break even without knowing what is exactly her case?

I think it is easy to advise someone to break his/her relationship when you do not have any investment in that relationship.

 

OP, counseling is a great choice to try to find out what is broken in your relationship. There are many factors to consider when in a relationship but to me the only one that really matters is "do you still love him?" and "does he still loves you?"

 

If the answer to both questions is yes and there is willingness to heal from both parts you will make it if not you will know that you have tried it!

 

Good luck!

 

I agree with the part about people being too quick to advise others to end relationships when they know far too little about the people or the circumstances. That seems to be a forum disease. When people do this they're often not being empathetic, sometimes not even sympathetic. Relationships are as unique as the people who are in them, and you have to be willing to put yourself in their place to even begin to understand. The question is not whether you'd want a relationship with the SO, it's about what's right for the who are in the relationship––with investment, emotions, life plans and identity all built around it. Two very different perspectives. I'm amazed at how little ability some people have to see anything from a perspective other than their own.

 

Now the part I bolded I do not agree with. Love and compatibility are not one in the same. Sometimes you figure out that despite loving someone you just can't make it work as a relationship, in which case you have to make some tough decisions. And there are different kinds of love as well, some of which form the basis for a relationship despite enormous difficulties, and some of which may work only under certain conditions which may not be achievable. And then there are people whose relationships seem to work despite the emotional aspects not being strong, but they choose to stay for various reasons, perhaps lifestyle considerations. It's complex and unique to each individual.

 

I'm going to go now- need to ask the hot dog vendor on the corner some questions about my special dietary and nutritional considerations.

[therhythm]

I agree with the part about people being too quick to advise others to end relationships when they know far too little about the people or the circumstances. That seems to be a forum disease. When people do this they're often not being empathetic, sometimes not even sympathetic. Relationships are as unique as the people who are in them, and you have to be willing to put yourself in their place to even begin to understand. The question is not whether you'd want a relationship with the SO, it's about what's right for the who are in the relationship––with investment, emotions, life plans and identity all built around it. Two very different perspectives. I'm amazed at how little ability some people have to see anything from a perspective other than their own.

 

Now the part I bolded I do not agree with. Love and compatibility are not one in the same. Sometimes you figure out that despite loving someone you just can't make it work as a relationship, in which case you have to make some tough decisions. And there are different kinds of love as well, some of which form the basis for a relationship despite enormous difficulties, and some of which may work only under certain conditions which may not be achievable. And then there are people whose relationships seem to work despite the emotional aspects not being strong, but they choose to stay for various reasons, perhaps lifestyle considerations. It's complex and unique to each individual.

 

I'm going to go now- need to ask the hot dog vendor on the corner some questions about my special dietary and nutritional considerations.

 

I do agree but as long as there is love there is hope, if there is not love from one of the two sides there is no room for the relationship anymore despite of how compatible they may be.

 

Love is something very rare, and people should be more ready to fight for it.

Compatibility can be worked on if the two parties are really willing to make the effort, the lack of love by the other hand is the death of he relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

I do agree but as long as there is love there is hope, if there is not love from one of the two sides there is no room for the relationship anymore despite of how compatible they may be.

 

Love is something very rare, and people should be more ready to fight for it.

Compatibility can be worked on if the two parties are really willing to make the effort, the lack of love by the other hand is the death of he relationship.

 

I don't see anything closely resembling love - as love should be - here.

I see a co-dependency and a struggle to keep something going, when one member seems intent by their actions to sabotage such moves at every turn.

 

I didn't tell her to end the relationship.

But I did put forward questions better posed to get to the heart of the matter.

We cannot change others, nor evoke a change in them.

The only changes we can engineer are those within ourselves.

[TheGuard13]

Couples counseling can be beneficial if both parties are invested in it. You get out of it what you put into it. If nothing else, even if one of you isn't invested, counseling can help you to understand the issues in your relationship, and how that relates to what you want and need as a person.

[carhill]

I'd recommend such psychological therapy as a 'first resort', rather than 'last resort'. Pull an effective tool out of the toolbox first, and early. In retrospect, had we done so (MC), our M may have resolved to a healthy state rather than ending in D. Good luck.