djbarker Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 hello all, I have been a long time reader of this site and have always found it to be very helpfull and imformative to me. I have been married to my wife for just over 1 year now, she is 24 and I am 26. We dated for 3 years before marriage and I can honestly say that the last 4+ years have been the best times of my life. We are 100% compatible and I guess you could almost say we have had a story book relationship. Sure we have had our ups and downs, but nothing major and nothing that would ever jeapordize our relationship/marriage in any way. I thought I knew almost everything about my wife but today I found out something that has just floored me. I really need to know if im making a big deal over this or if I am justified in feeling this way. Anyways... today I found out from my best friend that he has had sex with my wife. Not just sex, but he was her first as well. It's not important how it all came up, but I feel so stupid for not knowing this before. I felt very emberrassed and humiliated at the whole thought. Naturally I asked what the hell he was talking about and it he told me it was when they were younger, etc. I trust my friend 100%, he is married too and he told me he thought that I had known about this. Naturally out of curiosity I begun to question him about it, and wanted to know when, where, why.. etc. I honestly felt like a train had just hit my world. I just feel like I can never look at my wife the same way now or have the same feelings for her. The thought of the two of them is all that keeps popping into my mind. It was also revealed to me that she had been with another mutual friend of mine. I am not upset about the fact that she has a past, not at all, I do to and everyone these days seem to. THe issue is that it was with my very best friend, my best man, someone who is like a brother to me. Should I confront my wife about it, or just let it be and say the past is the past? Right now im just filled with feelings of hurt and shock really.
supermom Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 If you confront her about this, it will create unjust sadness and temporary turmoil in your marriage. Everyone has a past, and I don't think it was very cool of your friend to reveal that information. Let it be please.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I guess that, ideally, it's something you should have known about before. But, I'm not sure that placed any kind of onus on them to tell you; after all, it was before she was with you. As long as she hasn't given you a reason to doubt her honesty or fidelity since you two got together, it's probably something you just have to deal with. At the time I married my TBXW, I knew that she'd slept with a friend of mine, before she ever met me. That guy is now one of my best friends. He was at our wedding, by which time I already knew about that past detail. But, it never bothered me. She was with me now, and what she'd done in the past was her business and she had nothing to apologize to me for. It was the guys she f*cked once she WAS with me that bugged me... that's why she's nearly my XW.
Haunani Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 DJ - let it go........you will make a mess out of this trust me. I'm on the other side of those shoes. My best friend, dated my husband when we were 18, 3 years before I met him, but I also knew about it. And from time to time, it would affect the way I felt about him as well. I knew it was interferring with my life. If he looked at someone that looked like *too long* I would ask him if he found Asians prettier than Hawaiians, or if he liked them taller or with more slanted eyes, then I'd start getting that green monster., and that was not me. You have to let it be, she wasn't sleeping with your best friend AFTER the marriage, and we all have a past, unfortunately, it happened to be with your best friend., but she married you, not him.
Jacksin Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I agree with Haunani's last paragraph totally. The view in marriage is always best when looking forward and never back. Jack
flavius Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 Your best friend who is like a brother also happens to be a jackass. Buddy you are pretty young , but it's time to get some perspective. There is never a right time to discuss your historic romp with your best friend's wife. Even if he "thought you already knew." Oh yeah, and I guess he already thought you knew about the other guy, too. Every decent man knows that some things past remain in the past. Of course you have a past. Of course your wife has a past. What you don't have is a best friend. It's time to let this guy fade away. Do not hang out with him any more, else you're nothing more than his Boy. This isn't some TV sitcom, man, and it's isn't some frat house you're living in. This is your life you're talking about. This should not be about jealousy and forgiveness, forget about that stuff and just love your wife like you promised you would. It sounds like you and your wife are good decent folks. Be satisfied with that.
jmargel Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Not talking to your wife about this would be the worse possible advice. By you not talking to her about it, you'll start resenting her. Since she knew he was your 'best' friend, she should have told you. It was probably awkward for him that you found out that way. She probably was afraid to tell you for obvious reasons, when you do talk to her about it, do it in a non-threatening way. But be ready for questions such as 'So if you were to have known earlier, does that mean you wouldn't pursue a relationship with me?'. I don't think the real problem here is her sleeping with him years ago, I think it more has to do with her not telling you everything like she should. Make sure you bring that point up.
SoleMate Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 It really would have been best if your "best friend" had kept his mouth shut. Am I the only one who thinks that any sexual activity between two people is a PRIVATE matter? And that the privacy needs to be maintained FOREVER? Yes, I would make an exception between two committed partners, such as an engaged couple. The rule is that one partner can ask - EARLY ON - about the other's past (if they really think that's smart - but that's another thread). And they SHOULD ask if there is any possibility that the past will bother them. After that, I believe we would all be wise to pull down the veil of privacy and not let these old issues surface. djbarker, I'm sure you know that this past event has little or not bearing on your life with your wife - right?? She chose you, you chose her, and you're very happy together. Both of you have had other sex partners, right? And I really question whether there was EVER any time or manner in which she could have told you and been comfortable about it. If I were her, I must admit that choosing him as your best man would definitely make me swallow hard and think about telling you. What would you have done? Had some anguish, and then forgiven her and gone on. So I hope you can forgive her now. And I trust you believe that it is all over and done between them, right? QUESTION: How did this fact just "happen to come up"?
flavius Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 I have faith in you, Bridegroom -- you can get over it. This is not really between you and her, it's between her and her past. People have a right to move on, so give her the freedom to leave it behind. Why ask her to re-live it? Women have an astounding capacity to put past things out of their minds and to be a new person. Let her! Do I smell something bad with this best man character? Is he by any chance the more dominant of the two of you, but for some reason just a little bit jealous of you? I just have a real bad feeling about it. Anyway, you're the man now, not the sidekick. You don't need his approval, you got the girl. It's time to have a falling out with him. Look, I'm older so I tend to forget how big a deal "best friends" and "best men" can be when you're 24. But I'm keenly aware of the magnitude of importance of that girl's soul. Try to imagine how the lives and fortunes of yourselves, your children, and your grandchildren all rest in her soul. Wrap her in peace and security. Let her grow in your shade, not wilt in the glare and heat of the sun. Your curiosity will never be satisfied, ever. So just be strong and let it go. Be a man! (jmargel, I'm sure you're a good man. Learn from the wise old fart.)
PatientOne Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Excellent advice from flavius. Cherish your wife, lose the "friend".
jmargel Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 I'm not saying your not wise, but like I said this has more to do with her withholding something that she knows might upset him. He has everyright to know, and just because he didn't ask earlier doesn't mean he shouldnt have been given that information. If she withholds something like that, what else is she not telling? He is already resenting his wife, this is not just going to 'go away'. He needs to deal with this in an effective manner. Regarding communication if there is ANY subject that bothers one of the spouses, then it needs to be talked about. Doesn't matter what that subject is. Just make sure you do it in an effective manner.
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