Now a question for the MM/MW

[jlola]

Every single day for 5 months I have thought of him, our R, the times we had, the plans we wished for, and our baby that never was. I feel like I have been married and divorced...all in a way that is secret to the world. It does feel like PTSD.

 

If I see him or hear about him, I get dizzy- tight in the chest- just everything. Because in my mind he's gone, I think of him dead. So when I hear about that part of me walking around just 5-6 miles from home it makes me lightheaded and nauseous. If I drive past certain areas its just too much and I can't hold back tears.

 

People sometimes comment- "why are SO MANY AP's convinced they are 'soulmates' blah blah blah. It must be a fog thing, or a secrecy thing, etc." I say that that is looking at it in reverse. The way I see it- its not the nature of the affair that makes you feel like you met your soulmate. Rather, the fact that *I* got involved with someone who is married, *while I was married* is such a big deal that ONLY someone who is so perfect for me could cause me to fall so far from what I know is morally acceptable. In a nutshell...I'd only unknowingly fall into an affair and lose all self control for someone who was my perfect complement.

 

Of course there are some A's that are not like that, but for the people who are hurting so bad- its a life sentence that can be managed/suppressed/coped with but it'll never go away. A broken heart is a chronic pain and you learn to live with ache and cover it up with other people/experiences/thoughts.

.

 

 

I have not been through an affair. But I have been involved with 2 narcissist and those relationships were the most painful in my life. Why? because they came on like gang busters. we were soulmates, but somehow tere was always an obstacle.

 

I held onto my idealistic view of the relationship for so long and bi-passed normal "nice guys". Those men were so full of romance,knew the right thing to say.

 

I do believe that anytime there are obstacles and time constrait,it produces hormone crazy chemicals. e all want what is illusive.

 

Probably why people in affairs who actually end up together don't really work out in the real world. My sister married her 2nd affair partner. She loved him soo much, they each left their families for each other. she left her toddler son with his father and got him on weekends. Marriage did not last long.

 

Have another friend who married his affair partner. He was single, she married no kids. His advice. "Never marry your affair partner" The idealized person and that soulmate love will hit reality soon. He now pays child support for 2 kids(twins). Marriage lasted 3years.

 

I am convinced wanting what you cannot have does something to our brain and our logic. I reconciled with one of my "soulmates" for a time. In my mind, noone would compete with him. He had looks,was very romantic,wealthy,successful. Top 5%. Best thing that ever happened to me. I finally had my rose colored glasses taken off when we were together always and realized I was in deep limerence because it was never truly consummated. Fantasy was way better than reality.

 

Limerence and Infidelity

 

Fortunately, I had the maturity to know that time is necessary to assessing the viability of a relationship long-term. “Madly in love” ends, and doesn’t necessarily predict a partnership that will grow and endure.

 

 

I bumped into a nice treatment of limerence in a Your Tango article from last year. It was written by one of its resident experts, inspirational speaker Joe Beam, who addresses this phenomenon in the context of infidelity, including scenarios of emotional affairs.

Claims of being madly in love with another person may be used to justify any behavior, and the parties involved genuinely suffer as they wrestle with their feelings and whether or not to leave their marriages.

If they do divorce and remarry the object of their affection – they may find themselves sadly disappointed when the intensity and newness of the relationship wears off.

Rewriting History

 

The article describes the feelings involved as follows:

Those in limerence generally feel that no one else possibly can understand what it feels like because there is nothing else close to it in our emotional experiences.

The author goes on to explain that we typically forget that we may have felt this way before. In fact, our Remembering Self may differ greatly from our Experiencing Self as we rewrite history, even unintentionally.

The article continues:

Unfortunately, we live in a society which touts romantic love as the “be all end all” on TV, in movies, in magazine articles, in novels, and

so

forth. Yet the people who produce those things will not have that level of intense romance for a lifetime, either. As the work of Helen Fisher, PhD, has proven, that kind of intensity is meant to bring us together, not keep us together.

[firstandlast]

Rick,

 

It is really refreshing to hear a man say these things. We (as women) are generally told that men can compartmentalize, they are just after sex, they forget easier and move much more easily than women.

 

I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. I can't believe the time it has taken me to get where I am today and I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never go through a day without thinking about him for the rest of my life, it's just more pocketed and more controlled.

 

I think there's a stereotype of MOM being some smooth, heartless, philanderer. While I'm sure some are like that -- and let me emphasize that cheating on a loving spouse is absolutely cruel and despicable -- many men truly fall for their AP and are devastated after a breakup. Few people are genuinely evil. Stupid, selfish, and cowardly, yes. But purposely hurtful and unfeeling, no.

[jlola]

Two great article makes a lot of sense.very enlightening.

 

smarter-love.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-relationship-energy.html

 

New Relationship Energy Pitfalls - Polyamory Drifts Out of Comfort - Life on the Swingset

Edited May 18, 2013 by jlola

[bellasue]

I miss the friendship more than anything. I felt like he was an extension of my mind/body/soul. He used the term soulmate before I did...that how could we know each other for such a short time and be so comfortable that it felt like forever?

 

Like Carhill said, our spouses noted that our thoughts flowed into each other and we started and finished sentences and generally had similar mannerisms and habits...especially once the A went further. They'd note this and we got busted because of it.

 

Every single day for 5 months I have thought of him, our R, the times we had, the plans we wished for, and our baby that never was. I feel like I have been married and divorced...all in a way that is secret to the world. It does feel like PTSD.

 

If I see him or hear about him, I get dizzy- tight in the chest- just everything. Because in my mind he's gone, I think of him dead. So when I hear about that part of me walking around just 5-6 miles from home it makes me lightheaded and nauseous. If I drive past certain areas its just too much and I can't hold back tears.

 

People sometimes comment- "why are SO MANY AP's convinced they are 'soulmates' blah blah blah. It must be a fog thing, or a secrecy thing, etc." I say that that is looking at it in reverse. The way I see it- its not the nature of the affair that makes you feel like you met your soulmate. Rather, the fact that *I* got involved with someone who is married, *while I was married* is such a big deal that ONLY someone who is so perfect for me could cause me to fall so far from what I know is morally acceptable. In a nutshell...I'd only unknowingly fall into an affair and lose all self control for someone who was my perfect complement.

 

Of course there are some A's that are not like that, but for the people who are hurting so bad- its a life sentence that can be managed/suppressed/coped with but it'll never go away. A broken heart is a chronic pain and you learn to live with ache and cover it up with other people/experiences/thoughts.

 

Anyone who thinks a WS doesn't pay is wrong. If the A meant something deeply (which is a larger betrayal for the BS), the punishment is just as deep. If you are generally a good person, you feel that the loss of your AP is a punishment you should bear alone and others shouldn't have to pay.

 

Take care everyone, you aren't alone.

 

This is exactly how I feel. Our respective spouses always joked about US being married. Wrongly or not, I still think of xMM as my soul mate and the separation is killing me. He chose his wife and I have to respect that, but my god it hurts.

 

And I agree--the thought of being close is dizzying. It's such a lonely place to be.

[MrWindupBird]

I left my wife and eventually married my OW.

 

I couldn't live without her.

[Act Two]

I had many breakups and reconnects with my exOM- we tried to break it off so many times because of the guilt, but it really was an addiction; we would end up back in contact. The pull of the romance and passion was so compelling and hard to walk away from despite how wrong I knew it was.

 

I can see why many affairs are hard to end, because you don't always get out of the infatuation stage. I think mine did though, which helped in ending it. Towards the end I think I was starting to see that the relationship in and of itself, on its own two feet was not going to work, just like my marriage (hey, and maybe I"m the problem!).

 

One thing that helped me was to take the relationship out of hiding and discuss it with my therapist in the light of day. She was the first person who encouraged me to discuss the relationship as a legitimate relationship and not treat it as a dirty little secret, which I believe actually helped fan the flame. Bringing it out into the open, she helped me to recognize some red flags that my quiet little gut instinct had been whispering all along. Texting me 20 times in an hour when I was with my Book Club? Not normal and controlling. Never respecting my wishes for NC? Also controlling. Having at least three outbursts that scared the sh$T out of me? Big red flag, also when pondering having him be the step-father to my children. His handle on money was initially very attractive to me- it's one thing I compared him with my STBX favorably for a long time. Eventually I realized that he was the cheapest person I ever met and that finances would be a constant source of tension with him too. I also realized that it was an area where I personally needed to find a balance between being frugal and living a bit, too.

 

I still believe that I loved him. I just think the affair dynamics helped to cover up some relational dynamics that otherwise would have ended things sooner in a normal relationship. I also felt guilt for how much time he had put in with me, how many people I had hurt along the way, and it made me actually want to work things out with exOM (as twisted as that is) to justify the wreckage (something good had to some out of it, right?). But sometimes I wonder if people in affair keep things going longer than the relationship warrants either 1. because they never get past the infatuation stage and see each other clearly or 2. they know the relationship is bad but the damage along the way is even more tragic and a waste if nothing comes out of it.

 

Just my musings.

Edited May 19, 2013 by Act Two

[Washingmachine1980]

When I entered into my affair, I had been in pretty much an isolated environment for seven years. I had suffered through lies, betrayals and trust issues from my husband and family members. Guess I was ripe for the picking. My MM became my best friend and I completely trusted him. When he threw me under the bus it was devastating. Thought he loved me and would never do that. After that, I saw him for the monster he really was. I ran back to the marriage I planned to leave and my H swept it under the rug. Even if he divorces me one day, I will never get into another relationship with any man for fear of being left as harshly as I was. Could not bear to open myself up like that again and be hit with NC. It was devastating and made me realize that I never mattered at all.