Husband's latest trick

[CarboniteCammy]

I know that I don't post here as much as I used to, but I'm having issues with my husband again and I need some advice.

 

Some of you may know I'm currently in EMDR therapy for anger management. It's more how I manage myself, as I can't control other people.

 

I do have a question I guess about why my husband is behaving in the following way. It's very frustrating for me and while I'm using my current techniques I'm learing from the therapist, it might help if I understood why he was acting this way. I'm looking for honest opinions, brutal or not.

 

Here lately, he's been doing this thing where I'll ask him to do something and he won't acknowledge me. Then, I'll ask him again and he'll say, "What?" I'll then repeat myself and he'll acknowledge what I want him to do, but then he just won't do it.

I hate to say it, but I'm starting to feel really burnt out in this marriage. I'm doing my best to put in the work that I need to, but I honestly feel like sometimes he's deliberately thwarting me.

 

]I feel really alone sometimes due to this kind of behavior. I dunno. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

[HonestNeurotic]

Why does he have to do what you say? I mean - to you sit down and talk about what needs to be done in the house (or whatever) and then discuss who is going to do it and how it will be done? Or do you just say - Husband, go do this!

 

My husband will help me do anything. But I am pretty sure that if I started ordering him about as to what he had to do and when, well, he'd rather live with his parents. Sounds like you two need to learn to communicate better.

 

IMHO - as always

[Dean13]

I don't know, this seems pretty standard for if your husband thinks you are nagging him unnecessarily(not saying you are), or he doesn't think what you're asking him is that important.

 

Thinking being:

 

1) Ignore her, maybe she'll leave me alone.

 

2) Damn it, she's still bothering me, better answer her: "What?"

 

3) "Ok honey". Which really means, "Ok honey....as soon as this game hits halftime".

 

I'm a guy, but I thought this type of male behavior was pretty well known and understood by women-folk at this point.

[2sunny]

Leave him a list of your expectations each day.

 

He can cross things off his list as he goes along.

 

Yes, he's acting like a selfish, inconsiderate child. Passive aggressive too.

 

I'd find it exhausting to be married to him.

 

It's not worth battling an adult to participate in a positive manner. If he doesn't intend to add positivity to your life - why bother staying?

[CarboniteCammy]

He probably just would rather hang out on the couch and watch TV. I would, too. Don't really blame him.

 

I don't order him around or even really nag that much. He pretty much gets to come and go as he pleases now. I used to be really angry and bitchy, but since I started therapy it's like alot of the anger has drained away. I typically don't ask unless I really need something, and I'm working on being more independent so that I don't bug him as much.

 

I think that things would get better if I just stopped depending on him and let him come home and relax and work on his projects.

[HokeyReligions]

I dunno. For me I found the longer I'm married the more he regresses into childhood. Thats my perspective anyway. I kid him that I didn't take him to raise!

 

It sound like he's just being a "kid-guy" and is that comfy around you and isn't really aware of how deeply his actions or inactions are effecting you.

 

Just today, after 30 years together hubby was talking about his dad - nothing I hadn't heard a thousand times before -but I looked at him and said (for the hundredth time) "You do EXACTLY the same thing!" He looked at me and I could finally see him hearing me for the first time.

 

You just never know when something will click.

 

BTW Congrats on taking care of yourself and being a role model for others.

[2sunny]

He probably just would rather hang out on the couch and watch TV. I would, too. Don't really blame him.

 

I don't order him around or even really nag that much. He pretty much gets to come and go as he pleases now. I used to be really angry and bitchy, but since I started therapy it's like alot of the anger has drained away. I typically don't ask unless I really need something, and I'm working on being more independent so that I don't bug him as much.

 

I think that things would get better if I just stopped depending on him and let him come home and relax and work on his projects.

 

Really? How is that having a partner to be connected with? It seems like he's pretending he's single and doesn't need to participate in the daily tasks of running a household... Am I wrong?

 

How do you two build intimacy?

 

Why stay if you don't have a partnership? Is he on YOUR team or on his own?

 

How does he show you loving behavior? That he respects and honors you? That's he's part of the whole instead of operating independently?

[2sunny]

I dunno. For me I found the longer I'm married the more he regresses into childhood. Thats my perspective anyway. I kid him that I didn't take him to raise!

 

It sound like he's just being a "kid-guy" and is that comfy around you and isn't really aware of how deeply his actions or inactions are effecting you.

 

Just today, after 30 years together hubby was talking about his dad - nothing I hadn't heard a thousand times before -but I looked at him and said (for the hundredth time) "You do EXACTLY the same thing!" He looked at me and I could finally see him hearing me for the first time.

 

You just never know when something will click.

 

BTW Congrats on taking care of yourself and being a role model for others.

 

Usually - when someone "says they're kidding" - they aren't.

[Dean13]

Usually - when someone "says they're kidding" - they aren't.

 

"Kid-guy" means acting like a grown-up/kid. Not that he's "kidding."

 

Good luck finding a guy who doesn't at least occasionally act like this.

[Dean13]

He probably just would rather hang out on the couch and watch TV. I would, too. Don't really blame him.

 

I don't order him around or even really nag that much. He pretty much gets to come and go as he pleases now. I used to be really angry and bitchy, but since I started therapy it's like alot of the anger has drained away. I typically don't ask unless I really need something, and I'm working on being more independent so that I don't bug him as much.

 

I think that things would get better if I just stopped depending on him and let him come home and relax and work on his projects.

 

What I said above is true, but he should most definitely be involved in helping you with day to day tasks, and you should be able to "depend" on him. If you can't, why be married?

[Dean13]

He probably just would rather hang out on the couch and watch TV. I would, too. Don't really blame him.

 

I don't order him around or even really nag that much. He pretty much gets to come and go as he pleases now. I used to be really angry and bitchy, but since I started therapy it's like alot of the anger has drained away. I typically don't ask unless I really need something, and I'm working on being more independent so that I don't bug him as much.

 

I think that things would get better if I just stopped depending on him and let him come home and relax and work on his projects.

 

Um no, as much as I said it's normal behavior sometimes, if he acts disengaged like this all the time, that's not good. If I did this all the time my wife would be telling me to smarten up or get out.