Huh?

[Julie]

A guy recently told me that while he cares for me and likes me and is attracted to me, he doesn't want a relationship with anyone because too much is going on in his life. He had a long term relationship that ended a year ago, and hasn't "dated" anyone since. When I asked him what he was scared of, he said he didn't know what he was scared of. Women always find time to have a relationship, is it possible he's not being totally honest with me? Right now he says he wants a friendship with me, but doesn't want to date me because he doesn't want to lead me on, as he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. He says he just can't give me what I want right now. Do I stay friends and see where it goes, or do I walk away and see if he misses me enough to come after? How can someone be too busy for a relationship?

[Vikki]

Awww geez this sounds way too familiar, go check out my post named "Need some objectivity please" (Dec 5).

 

He said the same thing to me, difference being he said he didn't want to get involved because he was waiting for someone. He said all the right things, 'I care for you, I'm attracted to you' blah, blah, blah. Now that I look back on it, I see that he said all these things to me, in advance, so he could relieve himself of any future relationship, relieve himself of any future guilt.

 

I guarantee that if you agree to be friends with him, one thing will lead to another (because he knows you want more, because he know you are attracted to him) it will get emotional or sexual, then he'll say 'well I told you from the start I didn't want a committed relationship'. He gets what he REALLY wants and relieves himself of a 'committed relationship' because he warned you in advance!

 

Stay friends and only friends if you really feel you can do that, without the emotions, if you can't get out NOW! If you choose to stay friends do it WITHOUT hoping that it will lead to more. When a man tells you who he is BELIEVE him! Don't go trying to change his mind. Don't go trying to play games either, "do I walk away and see if he misses me enough to come after?" that will only lead to heartbreak.

[Tony T]

Vicki makes some very valid points, although there is no way to know for absolute certainty what his motives are.

 

However, in general, if a guy is truly interested in a lady he will make it the right time to pursue her. I would tend to feel either this guy's motives are less than straight up or he has some real head problems.

 

If you think you will fall for him in a big way, you're probably better off not going in his direction. It's never cool to just be friends with someone for whom you may have deeper feelings. It seldom works out well, especially when the other person has stated he/she just wants to be friends.

 

You want romance...go find it with someone who is ready.

[Julie]

He's straight up admitted he's probably screwed in the head,

 

I have to wonder if his last relationship was his first real one, and the breakup caused too much pain.

 

He is a friend of a friend and we only met for the first time on Wednesday after talking on the phone for 8 months. During that 8 months we got to be really close, and while we both saw other people, we never dated anyone seriously.

 

When I finally met him Wed. I felt more comfortable with him than any guy I ever dated. It was because I already knew him so well. We spent half the night up talking and laughing and hanging out. He spent the night, which we had already decided he would do, but we didn't have sex because he knew the next one I do have sex with will be the guy I marry (I'm avoiding more regrets). The night could not have gone any better. He wanted to kiss me and hold me and touch me all night, and then hated leaving me in bed in the morning....he called me 2 times that day just to see what I was doing. He said he was so glad he came to see me that night because he felt so comfortable.

 

The whole thing is so confusing!

 

He had told me a month ago that he didn't think he could give me what I wanted and needed right now, but I figured it was because of the distance (700 miles). He said he didn't want to put a half ass effort into it, and that's all he'd be able to give me. He works 60+ hours a week, coaches a high school team, and works out for 2 hours every night.

 

So if I walk away from this one, I'm walking away from someone who has been my friend for 8 months.

[maree]

I have to wonder if his last relationship was his first real one, and the breakup caused too much pain. So if I walk away from this one, I'm walking away from someone who has been my friend for 8 months.

Julie:

 

I can understand that you care about this person. However, I think that he is definitely being honest with you. I am just getting over a breakup with a guy that I dated for 2 1/2 years and it is not easy. He also told me similar things.... dating a confused guy is no fun trust me

 

You just keep thinking that his mind will clear up and one day he will see how wonderful things can be , or are....

 

However, some people spend years being confused. You can be friends in a few months. Tell him you will call him in two months after some distance is between you to cool things off.

 

Also think about this.... you may want him more because you can't have him. That's a dangerous game to play with yourself.

 

Not getting involved at all is a whole lot easier than getting over after being involved.

 

Am there

[Anastasia]

Hon, he's telling you he can't give you what you want, straight out. Whatever his reasons are. He's telling you he doesn't have time for you. Believe him or don't. It's your heart. You don't just want friends, you want more. What ever way you cut this HE DOES NOT WANT MORE.

 

It's confusing because he's saying all the lovey dovey things: "He wanted to kiss me and hold me and touch me all night, and then hated leaving me in bed in the morning", he wants the juice (so to speak) but not a relationship. He's getting your emotions going by saying these things but he also wants you to be completely aware that if he acts on these things, in the end there won't be a relationship between you.

 

Someone advised me when I went through this that he likes you, he's attracted to you but on a scale of 1 to 10 you are about a 6 for him. If you were a 10 there'd be no holding back. In your heart I think you know that. Don't be with someone who's not head over heels for you, this guy aint. His past is an excuse, a justification for not wanting more, if he did he'd be there.

 

Also if it's confusing now imagine where it will lead, more confusion. I know it's hard, believe me I really do, I had to decide if I was willing to just settle for sex and only sex, that's all he could give, that doesn't make him a bad person, but if he doesn't want more not much I can do about it. You can't change him, change YOURSELF.

 

Hope this helps

 

Warm Hugs to YOU. :-)

[Julie]

Is it possible I'm expecting things to happen too fast? I mean we just "met" for the first time on Wed. While we know each other, we really don't.

 

Is it possible that time will change things?

[Vikki]

The only thing that could have swayed his opinion on wanting a relationship with you upon meeting, would have been your looks, physical attraction. He told you months ago he didn't want a relationship, that pretty much cancels out that thinking.

 

Who knows maybe time will change things now that you've actually met. I think your best bet would be to actually ask him again, now, because you've met face to face. Maybe he's thinking differently. You wont know till you ask him. Don't be surprised if he tells you the same thing though. Unless his circumstances have changed (or are likely to change) I suspect he'll give you the same answer. His reasons for not wanting a relationship were: he didn't think he could give you what you wanted and needed, being screwed up in the head, the distance and his lack of time.

 

Things, what things? He's known you long enough to know what's inside and visa versa. Making your preferences known (wanting a committed relationship or not) after getting to know him isn't expecting too much.

 

Warm Hugs to YOU :-)

[maree]

Julie

 

Well, I feel that you are grasping at every little piece of thread avaialable on the off chance that this will work out and he will want you.

 

Please, protect yourself from future heartbreak and move on.

 

If he is interested, he will let you know. In the meantime, tell him that you want more from him, and a future, not just friendship.

 

If friendship is all he wants, tell him to call you in a couple of months when your feelings are a bit more under control.

 

I really do understand what you feel. It is a tough position to be in, however, I feel that you are flirting with something you can't have.

 

If a guy says he is not interested in anything but friendship, TAKE HIS HEED.

 

Even if this turns into a relatiohsip, later on, you will want more, and he will say.... sorry I told you I'm not interested. Then you will really be hurt

[Rogue]

The others have advised you to back off a bit,and I think they're right. If you read between the lines of what he's saying, he's letting you know gently to cool things off.

 

I've had to tell a women in the past what he just told you.I've been in his position when you've first noticed the attraction of a woman you like,but are not in love with.I tell her that I "care for her,and find her attractive" because I don't want her to take the rejection personally. And she shouldn't either. I've met a lot of intelligent,warm,physically attractive women that I was simply not interested in at the time.And it was not because of something they did,or about something in their personality. Usually,it was other complications ,such as previous relationships,stress, or just plain confusion.

 

He told you what he did because he was concerned ,and respected you enough to be honest up front. That doesn't mean he won't change his mind down the road when his life is in better order, but it does mean for the time being you should back off. So just relax a bit,and put a little distance between yourselves for now.

 

It will do both of you good to be apart a while.It would give you a chance to sort out your true feelings for him,and be a little more objective about him than you are now.And he can work things out in his life a bit,and maybe realize what he's missing? Who knows.

[Julie]

Well,

 

I ended (perhaps temporarily) things with him earlier today. He was supposed to have called last night, and never did and it was the straw the broke the camel's back. I told him I couldn't ride his roller coaster with him and that being only friends just wouldn't cut it.

 

When I called him, he thought everything was the same as always until I laid it on the table. He told me that we just wanted different things right now, and that he couldn't be who I wanted him to be right now. He kept telling me that it wasn't the person, it was the situation. He wasn't happy about me telling him I didn't think we should talk anymore, but as he said, he'd have to accept it, and suffer the consequences of it.

 

I told him I cared about him very much, but that there just wasn't any other option right now.

 

I hope he will miss me terribly and get his life straightened out. I made it very clear though that I wouldn't be calling him, and if I did, it would be a few months down the road.

 

It's just going to be hard because we're used to talking a few times a week for hours at a time, and I can't pick up the phone and do that anymore. Some people don't understand that breaking off emotional relationships can be as difficult as breaking off physical ones, especially since he's been the one on the other end of the line for 8 months of my ups and downs in life, and his ups and downs in life.

[Rogue]

Actually I can sympathize a lot more than you think.I made a post a few weeks ago about wanting to tell a female friend I was in love with her.( I didn't tell her) This feeling that you can't be just friends anymore is pretty familiar to me too.

 

I decided like you,to just cut off contact for a while. To be honest,I felt a lot better after a few days and after a couple of weeks,I'm pretty much over the whole thing.(I'm still keeping my distance from her though ).

 

The first few days are the hardest,but just make up your mind not to think about him at all.Just forget he ever existed. Don't secretly wish him back,or "accidently" talk to him. Just remove him from your life completely for a while.It feels really good not going through those crazy feelings you've been getting the past 8 months. Trust me,not going through the emotional rollercoaster anymore is really really cool!! And you can always find someone else to care about anyways,the world is a big place.

[Madeleine]

Julie:

 

You have done the right thing. I also ended a 2 1/2 year relationship and I must say that the first few days are absolutely the hardest. Everybody on this board says keep busy.... and that is the best advice.

 

Do whatever you have to do.... fix up your house. Do things that you know you enjoy to do and he never did.

 

Call your firlfriends.... If you get the urge to call, log on and read some posts, and you will see your problems look minimal in comparison.

 

By the end of the first week.... Give yourself a hug. YOu got through it!

[Julie]

What is an acceptabl amount of time to keep some distance without him becoming totally resentful?