When dating, how long to wait before sex?

[soccerrprp]

Ah, okay. It just seems strange to me, that people would be in a relationship after 1-2 dates, unless you've already known them prior to the dates.

 

Thanks for the clarification.

 

As per sex in the first or second date...please, I am a sexually active male and will not say no, if offered. I don't push for it- ever! Even early on, before ever meeting, I make my intentions clear....and I have continued to date beyond the early encounter b/c I AM HOPING FOR A LTR.

[Els]

As per sex in the first or second date...please, I am a sexually active male and will not say no, if offered. I don't push for it- ever! Even early on, before ever meeting, I make my intentions clear....and I have continued to date beyond the early encounter b/c I AM HOPING FOR A LTR.

 

Chill. I had not insinuated that you were 'pushing' for it; had not even crossed my mind tbh.

 

I was simply trying to reconcile your statement with the one you made previously against hookups, as they didn't make sense to me.

[soccerrprp]

Chill. I had not insinuated that you were 'pushing' for it; had not even crossed my mind tbh.

 

I was simply trying to reconcile your statement with the one you made previously against hookups, as they didn't make sense to me.

 

I'm chill:p I was smiling the entire time I responded earlier. I wasn't suggesting that you were insinuating anything, just wanted to add a little more insight to where I was coming from.

 

And btw, I don't object to hookups if both parties are aware that that is what is happening. I think i'm getting deeper and deeper into trouble with some here.... Better back off on this...

[apple OR orange]

"When dating, how long to wait before sex?"

 

I didnt realise the 2 where linked, ive never had sex from dates, i thought women choose who to do sex with, they didnt need to date them, if they wanted sex, they did it in a car, or out the back of a bar, the only time i hear people dating its "she slept with someone else" or "she doesnt like sex with me so...."

 

I always though the moment your dating you wont get sex..

[JuneJulySeptember]

How long would you be willing to wait to have sex with someone you like?

 

As long as there was other physical contact and thus confirmation that she was physically (or otherwise) attracted to me, then I can wait a really long time.

 

Non pre-marital sex would be a different story. I'd consider that separately.

 

Keep in mind that is me though. For the handsome, desirable men that most women are into, they will wait a lot less time. Maybe a few dates at most. And who can blame them. Another gal waiting around the corner.

[RedRobin]

For the handsome, desirable men that most women are into, they will wait a lot less time. Maybe a few dates at most. And who can blame them. Another gal waiting around the corner.

 

Handsome, desirable men with anything to lose by having sex with the wrong woman will show discretion of their own and don't need to be prodded or coaxed into 'waiting'.

 

Those who don't feel they have anything to lose or just after sex, will do the same things as any other man... handsome or not.

 

That's how I weed out the good from the not so good. I've learned that the ones who are less careful or who need to push aren't high quality or don't view me as 'relationship material' for whatever reason. At that point, I have the choice to have sex with them and kick them to the curb in a couple of weeks after it gets old, or just send them on their way from the get-go. *shrug*

[thatone]

I am never completely relaxed with a guy, until we have had sex. Waiting too long weakens the connection for me.

 

I think that applies to most women, from my experience, and those who insisted on not having sex for months at a time were just waiting with their foot in the door for a reason to jump ship.

[carhill]

For me, I will be the odd person who says to wait until marriage if you can. Unfortunately, most people don't consider themselves to be in a relationship unless they are intimate.

I saw this perspective a fair amount as a young man, and it was part of why many of the local ladies were married between 18-20, along with 'shotgun weddings', where a pre-marital pregnancy became a marriage.

 

Your latter point is an interesting reference to 'style'. For some people, indeed, if they are not having genital sex, they do not consider the association to be an intimate relationship. However, using yourself for example, you could achieve great intimacy with a man who had a similar style to yours, and consider yourselves to be in a relationship, and even become engaged, all without having genital sexual relations.

 

Reading the thread further, I excised another nuance, that being familiarity. Along those lines, I could envision 'quicker' sex happening with a person with whom I've had long relations and rapport, as example if both of us were otherwise unavailable for an intimate relationship.

 

My initial response was concerning potentials who were otherwise unknown and strangers. My personal style disallows 'instant intimacy' with strangers, simply because there is no foundation for that intimacy.

 

Another person, for whom sex is a physical activity, referred to by my exW as 'recreational', can have a completely different perception of that dynamic, and could easily have sex with a stranger whom stimulates them sexually. Billions of unique individuals, hence billions of unique styles of interaction. Once in awhile they match up.

 

Good luck to you in your search.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Handsome, desirable men with anything to lose by having sex with the wrong woman will show discretion of their own and don't need to be prodded or coaxed into 'waiting'.

 

Those who don't feel they have anything to lose or just after sex, will do the same things as any other man... handsome or not.

 

That's how I weed out the good from the not so good. I've learned that the ones who are less careful or who need to push aren't high quality or don't view me as 'relationship material' for whatever reason. At that point, I have the choice to have sex with them and kick them to the curb in a couple of weeks after it gets old, or just send them on their way from the get-go. *shrug*

 

Women don't really want 'quality' though. Not in that sense. They just want an attractive guy who will not dump them.

 

Most handsome, desirable men would never wait as long as I would. They have other options that are just as good as you. If you have sex with them at whatever time, and they like you, then they'll stay.

 

I've said it many times. Women can always find a man who will adore them and not kick them to the curb. It's as easy as finding a beer in New Orleans. What they are really asking is, "How can I screen out from among the attractive guys those that won't dump me and hurt me?"

[thatone]

If anything, from a gender vs gender perspective, I think sex being less taboo has simply made sex less of a concern for most people.

 

It is not, for most younger people nowadays, a tool anymore that can be used or not used to reel a partner in. It's just something you do with the person you're with, and unless it's bad it has little bearing on the longevity of a relationship.

[BoneyHadger]

But but but aren't you ladies freaked out when a guy wants sex too quickly?

 

If they don't want it themselves, only the guy does, not hard to see how they could be freaked out by it.

[pcplod]

I wish more people shared this!

 

Nah! You're not supposed to share it. It's supposed to be a discreet thing just between you and him.

[pcplod]

As an 'older man' I prefer not to be prescriptive about it either in terms of pre-assigning a particular landmark in a relationship for it, or seeking external validation for it. There are simply too many factors involved both within and between the two individuals involved, for that to be handled on a predictive basis.

 

I have a simple outlook; "sex for sex's sake". If I get a sniff of the notion that it is going to be traded as a commodity for other non-sexual things, then it is never going to happen. But then if that is the case there will be so much else wrong with the putative relationship, the whole thing will be off rather smartly. No point in wasting the other person's time or emotions, afterall.

 

I mean, I get it that when a partner says they are too tired because they are doing all the stuff around the house or whatever, I can understand it if it is true, but if after a period of time and negotiation, it is being used as a form of control or manipulation then I am off, tout-suite.

 

You might be surprised how often this actually happens and it is not only women who engage in it, far from it.

 

Apologies for side-tracking a bit, but the bottom line for me is not about time passed but rather where things have developed to, and where, if anywhere, they are likely to develop further to.

[pcplod]

You should have sex before marriage or you can't be assured of complete compatibility. You would be absolutely amazed at the number of men who will agree to this, for their partner to discover that not only is it not going to happen on their wedding night but at no point afterwards either. So, move forward 20, 30 years on and you have a miserable married virgin. I kid you not. It's as if they have only been looking for a mother substitute. A lot of women are just left feeling they have been conned. The men will even indulge in all the heavy petting and all the rest of it beforehand, so that the women don't only feel they have been conned but they have been played by the "bait-and-switch".

 

You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test run. You shouldn't with marriage either.

[pcplod]

Having sex with someone in three dates or under is not an indication of maturity. At all.

 

For a woman seeking a real relationship, having sex in three dates or under with guys she meets online is just plain stupid.

 

You've done great convincing women you have noble intentions, or you just find naïve women new to the online dating game. Congratulations.

 

I think you really are only entitled to speak for yourself under such circumstances.

[pcplod]

You assume also that women choose to wait out of FEAR, instead of a desire for real intimacy, which doesn't come by having sex with strangers... no matter how well intentioned.

 

I get it that women like sex, duh. I also get it that a lot of them have basically given up on having any real intimacy with men, and having sex early with them is more an act of resignation than an act of 'empowerment'. The fact that you find this 'mature' is the interesting part.

 

As for me.... I haven't given up on finding REAL intimacy... but when I do, you can bet I'll be the first one having sex with strangers, then finding a nice way to kick them out the door when sex gets boring in a few weeks or months because there was no foundation for anything more.

 

Naivete or cynicism. If you are having sex early, you'll never know which it is.

 

On the plus side, at least you aren't calling them sluts. That's a nice development in mankind.

 

Your attitude is actually quite appalling; it's the only way I can put it. Projecting like crazy and aggressive with it. Your prospects of getting what you want must be really good.

[johan]

I'm guessing EH has had sex several times since starting this thread.

[eleanorhurting]

I'm guessing EH has had sex several times since starting this thread.

 

I have with myself yes Thank you for pointing that out

[RedRobin]

Your attitude is actually quite appalling; it's the only way I can put it. Projecting like crazy and aggressive with it. Your prospects of getting what you want must be really good.

 

Really?? That I'm not up for the drama that occurs with men who insist on early sex for the sake of sex? Who can't be bothered with earning my trust before expecting me to share my body with them?

 

Sorry. Deal with it. Can't have your cake and eat it too. You either wait and develop real intimacy.... and earn someone's trust....

 

... or you f*ck strangers and take it for the fast food it is. Not of substance but keeps you from starving.

 

If guys are that interested in finding a relationship, he'll learn to develop some discretion of his own. Would be nice for a change.

[daletom]

You should have sex before marriage or you can't be assured of complete compatibility. . . .

I don't agree. If the marriage is sound you will work together to be compatible and please each other. Getting to the wedding night as virgins is NOT easy, but working together and helping each other meet that goal will give you a LOT of insight into how "compatible" you are. I will NOT start quibbling over definitions of what "sex" is, but the non-coital lovemaking activities - things like necking, making out, sparking, bundling, petting, outercourse, or some other quaint term - tell you enough about "compatibility, and actually help prepare you as a couple for intercourse.

 

. . . You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test run. You shouldn't with marriage either.

Sex is an important part of marriage (at least mine) but fulfilling marriages have many factors besides sexual compatibility. Based on my experiences buying cars, I'd say the typical "test run" should be likened to the second date, not having sex.

[daletom]

For me, I will be the odd person who says to wait until marriage if you can. Unfortunately, most people don't consider themselves to be in a relationship unless they are intimate.

My wife and I were both 23 when we experienced the physical and emotional intensity of a double-virgin wedding night. Yes, it took effort and working together on both our parts to achieve that. The process of reaching that goal helped build our relationship - we were "connected" and "intimate" before we married (or had intercourse), and adding sex to the relationship symbolized and established the nature of our relationship.

[candie13]

I think I've seen a recent study showing that women who were engaging in sex prior to seeing the guy for one month would not stay in that relationship for not even a year - I can post the link, just don't remember if the article was in English or French.

 

I was out of the dating world for 10 years, and as a woman who enjoys her sexuality, I've experimented different barriers - from sex after one date to sex after three dates, to sex after five dates. There are no rules - if anything, I've ended up engaging in relationships with the guys I had early sex on . In my case, sex brings me closer to my partner - it may be the lack of experience... so at some point, I'd decided I had enough of experimenting and would only allow the guys I genuinely find interesting getting close to me.

 

I remember posting early on here, when I was dating my current bf, asking for pretty much the same thing... I was seeing my bf a lot, very often - like twice or three times a week, sometimes a bit more, were IMing every day - and the way things went, he kissed me after three weeks and we became intimate another week or so later.

 

Turn out we have a huge huge sexual chemistry and at some point, in our relationship, I thought this was the main ingredient that was making him come back. But because we'd seen each other a bit more and gotten to know each other, I managed to get over my fears and understood he kept coming back for me.

 

my point is: the sex part is very important but very powerful, as well, if both partners are compatible. it can literarily blow in your face... best to know each other, to appreciate each other as people first... because sex can make things very very complicated, after that .

[egalew]

I wish people could just be honest and not play games.

 

Met a guy via an online site. Three times he has reach out after our first date. Asks me out. "When are you available to meet again?" I tell him. And then he never responds. Three times.

 

Then yesterday I have a date with a lawyer. Short and not that attractive. But the chemistry was wonderful We had a 3-hour brunch and talked about everything and anything. At the end of the brunch he says: "Keep in touch...." or some b.s. to that effect. WTF?

[soccerrprp]

I wish people could just be honest and not play games.

 

Met a guy via an online site. Three times he has reach out after our first date. Asks me out. "When are you available to meet again?" I tell him. And then he never responds. Three times.

 

Then yesterday I have a date with a lawyer. Short and not that attractive. But the chemistry was wonderful We had a 3-hour brunch and talked about everything and anything. At the end of the brunch he says: "Keep in touch...." or some b.s. to that effect. WTF?

 

Yeah, such BS from people is quite aggravating. Sorry you're going through this s**t. I haven't had the privilege () of such behavior so far, but I can imagine how baffling and frustrating that is.

[Emilia]

Then yesterday I have a date with a lawyer. Short and not that attractive. But the chemistry was wonderful We had a 3-hour brunch and talked about everything and anything. At the end of the brunch he says: "Keep in touch...." or some b.s. to that effect. WTF?

Ask him out. He isn't that confident because of his looks that's all.