When dating, how long to wait before sex?

[carhill]

IMO, the 'how long' would turn upon one's focus for 'getting to know' and how their 'like' will be expressed. If one is 'getting to know' for the purposes of sexual pleasure, then, as sex is the focus, once mutual sexual compatibility is established/felt, the waiting period should be over.

 

If the focus is a long-term relationship where sex is an expression of the intimacy and bond, then one would necessarily 'wait' until those aspects (intimacy and bond) are established.

 

Some people retain a consistent style of interaction; some change situationally. Some change globally as a function of life experience. The latter can be evidenced by those who enjoy many casual sex interactions and then, later, 'settle down' and develop a more bonding/intimacy type sexual style, hence 'waiting' longer.

 

My personal style has been consistent, relationship-oriented, and generally I've 'waited for sex' to align with 'I love you' and 'I'm happy you're my girlfriend'. Interactions post-divorce confirm this, as I was in no hurry to have sex with anyone, though I did date and 'get to know' a few ladies.

[soccerrprp]

The longest I've ever had to wait is three dates. Really, a mature relationship with a mature woman is what I like. When that happens, we talk about expectation and satisfy each others physical needs as both parties are comfortable. Thank goodness I've never met anyone with "rules" to complicate things.

[RedRobin]

The longest I've ever had to wait is three dates. Really, a mature relationship with a mature woman is what I like. When that happens, we talk about expectation and satisfy each others physical needs as both parties are comfortable. Thank goodness I've never met anyone with "rules" to complicate things.

 

Having sex with someone in three dates or under is not an indication of maturity. At all.

 

For a woman seeking a real relationship, having sex in three dates or under with guys she meets online is just plain stupid.

 

You've done great convincing women you have noble intentions, or you just find naïve women new to the online dating game. Congratulations.

[crederer]

How is it stupid? Maybe they like each other after three dates and want to have sex.

[johan]

My rule is to wait until she relents, and not longer.

[apple OR orange]

yes, the "high expectations" thread...

 

I never expect anything in life, i am never disappointed either (as I have no expectations, I always get what I wanted)..

 

as for sex, i dont expect to ever get sex, and i have never got it, so always been right so far.

[RedRobin]

How is it stupid? Maybe they like each other after three dates and want to have sex.

 

I said 'women who are looking for relationships'

 

Three dates is not nearly enough time to establish if a man is looking for a relationship... or if he is... if it is with HER.

 

THAT is why it is stupid.

 

Heck, why wait for three... how does seeing someone for another couple of hours make him any less a stranger? Oh, so she can officially say she didn't have sex on the first date, and so isn't a 'slut'. Totally retarded.

[Art_Critic]

Wait for when you feel comfortable enough to engage in sex. Don't worry about his pace since most guys are more than happy to get it sooner and will apply subtle to harsh pressure, somewhat uncaring in their dedicated enthusiasm to get sex.

 

I agree... it isn't about how long you wait but when you both are ready.. be it one date or 60.

 

Generally speaking, when I was single I had always at least waited for desert to be served before thinking about having sex

[phineas]

If a woman expects me to not see other women, I expect sex.

 

That said, i've only had to invoke that rule when it came to women who were just leading me on. (I can tell these things now)

 

Also, every time i've had sex with a woman I was dating it was in 3 dates or sooner & she was the one chomping at the bit to have it with me.

[soccerrprp]

Having sex with someone in three dates or under is not an indication of maturity. At all.

 

For a woman seeking a real relationship, having sex in three dates or under with guys she meets online is just plain stupid.

 

You've done great convincing women you have noble intentions, or you just find naïve women new to the online dating game. Congratulations.

 

RedRobin,

 

I always have good intentions and if you knew anything about how and why the relationships (mine) have ended, you would be less judgmental. Please don't congratulate me. I don't take pride in the fact that I have sex within three dates. It's just a simple fact that the women I date are not frightened to express their physical needs as attraction requires. I'm not a player, I don't deceive and I am ALWAYS in a relationship with the intention to make it a LTR.

 

These women are not naive. None of them. And, oh, I remain friends, yes friends, talk to two of them almost daily....jerks, players don't get such blessings. I may not be perfect, but I am not what you may have fabricated in your mind that I am. Don't think to know what is and what is not best for all women. Most women have minds of their own and some are not afraid to express themselves sexually early on.

 

Thank you, but please, I don't want any compliments, however sarcastic, for actions that you clearly would disapprove and subsequently assume that I have participated in.

[RedRobin]

RedRobin,

 

I always have good intentions and if you knew anything about how and why the relationships (mine) have ended, you would be less judgmental. Please don't congratulate me. I don't take pride in the fact that I have sex within three dates. It's just a simple fact that the women I date are not frightened to express their physical needs as attraction requires. I'm not a player, I don't deceive and I am ALWAYS in a relationship with the intention to make it a LTR.

 

These women are not naive. None of them. And, oh, I remain friends, yes friends, talk to two of them almost daily....jerks, players don't get such blessings. I may not be perfect, but I am not what you may have fabricated in your mind that I am. Don't think to know what is and what is not best for all women. Most women have minds of their own and some are not afraid to express themselves sexually early on.

 

Thank you, but please, I don't want any compliments, however sarcastic, for actions that you clearly would disapprove and subsequently assume that I have participated in.

 

You assume also that women choose to wait out of FEAR, instead of a desire for real intimacy, which doesn't come by having sex with strangers... no matter how well intentioned.

 

I get it that women like sex, duh. I also get it that a lot of them have basically given up on having any real intimacy with men, and having sex early with them is more an act of resignation than an act of 'empowerment'. The fact that you find this 'mature' is the interesting part.

 

As for me.... I haven't given up on finding REAL intimacy... but when I do, you can bet I'll be the first one having sex with strangers, then finding a nice way to kick them out the door when sex gets boring in a few weeks or months because there was no foundation for anything more.

 

Naivete or cynicism. If you are having sex early, you'll never know which it is.

 

On the plus side, at least you aren't calling them sluts. That's a nice development in mankind.

[ThaWholigan]

There isn't really a time limit, you just kinda go with it. Sometimes waiting is better, but there are those whose general propensity towards sexual expression is markedly different from others.

[thatone]

You assume also that women choose to wait out of FEAR, instead of a desire for real intimacy, which doesn't come by having sex with strangers... no matter how well intentioned.

 

I get it that women like sex, duh. I also get it that a lot of them have basically given up on having any real intimacy with men, and having sex early with them is more an act of resignation than an act of 'empowerment'. The fact that you find this 'mature' is the interesting part.

 

As for me.... I haven't given up on finding REAL intimacy... but when I do, you can bet I'll be the first one having sex with strangers, then finding a nice way to kick them out the door when sex gets boring in a few weeks or months because there was no foundation for anything more.

 

Naivete or cynicism. If you are having sex early, you'll never know which it is.

 

On the plus side, at least you aren't calling them sluts. That's a nice development in mankind.

 

I assume a lot of women do a lot of things due to fear, because I see them doing just that all the time.

 

You assume that everyone shares your feelings, or should, and I don't know why.

 

We're all adults, we can do whatever we like with willing partners.

 

My current GF and I had sex on the first weekend and are living together ~1.5 years later.

[sillyanswer]

On the plus side, at least you aren't calling them sluts. That's a nice development in mankind.

 

 

Why would you even bring that up? Is that what you think of women who choose to have sex earlier than you find comfortable?

[soccerrprp]

You assume also that women choose to wait out of FEAR, instead of a desire for real intimacy, which doesn't come by having sex with strangers... no matter how well intentioned.

 

I get it that women like sex, duh. I also get it that a lot of them have basically given up on having any real intimacy with men, and having sex early with them is more an act of resignation than an act of 'empowerment'. The fact that you find this 'mature' is the interesting part.

 

As for me.... I haven't given up on finding REAL intimacy... but when I do, you can bet I'll be the first one having sex with strangers, then finding a nice way to kick them out the door when sex gets boring in a few weeks or months because there was no foundation for anything more.

 

Naivete or cynicism. If you are having sex early, you'll never know which it is.

 

On the plus side, at least you aren't calling them sluts. That's a nice development in mankind.

 

No, no, no. I am NOT saying that women who have sex early on are being mature. I am saying, for me, that the possibility of intimacy is not shrouded by time limits, or rules, rather a natural inclination to express each other's needs as they come.

 

No, no, no....I do not equate early intimacy as mature. The mindset, the approach, the way two adults agree to expectations that both are aware are important and not afraid to discuss and act upon them. Two consenting adults making the conscious effort to make the relationship as open and honest as possible....that is, for me, mature.

[RedRobin]

 

Why would you even bring that up? Is that what you think of women who choose to have sex earlier than you find comfortable?

 

I'm bringing it up because I think it is a positive development.

 

If men want to have sex early, then they need to be ok... really ok... with women who also want to have sex early.

 

Having sex early is not a sign of maturity, or greater sexual drive or anything else. I'd say it isn't wise if you are looking for a relationship though, because real intimacy hasn't had a chance to develop and sex complicates things.

 

I'm glad that he didn't use that word. And thought I'd point that out, that's all.

[sillyanswer]

I'm bringing it up because I think it is a positive development.

 

Ok. Good!

 

If men want to have sex early, then they need to be ok... really ok... with women who also want to have sex early.

 

Well, naturally, because there's nothing wrong with those women. At least, that isn't an indication of anything being wrong.

 

Having sex early is not a sign of maturity, or greater sexual drive or anything else. I'd say it isn't wise if you are looking for a relationship though, because real intimacy hasn't had a chance to develop and sex complicates things.

 

I'm glad that he didn't use that word. And thought I'd point that out, that's all.

 

It seems as though you're pointing out that you think less of such women, pointing out a supposed lack of wisdom, "real intimacy" etc. Nobody is calling them sluts or questioning their maturity, yet you feel the need to draw attention to these things as if they are part of the issue.

 

Bumping uglies is pretty intimate. Really. It is.

 

I think I understand that your dating style is different, perhaps focussing on building a greater depth of emotional intimacy before getting as far as sexual intimacy, but that's no more "real" nor intrinsically superior. It works for you, though, and that's great.

[Veronica2025]

For me, I will be the odd person who says to wait until marriage if you can. Unfortunately, most people don't consider themselves to be in a relationship unless they are intimate.

[Emilia]

My current GF and I had sex on the first weekend and are living together ~1.5 years later.

I was wondering how you were getting on. congrats!

[Emilia]

How long would you be willing to wait to have sex with someone you like?

To be honest I think I've had only about a handful of dates in my life. I usually drift into relationships and we just start having sex after a night out or something. The only time I formally dated was when I did OLD. It's not really my style. I'm more of the 'see what happens' camp.

[RedRobin]

It seems as though you're pointing out that you think less of such women, pointing out a supposed lack of wisdom, "real intimacy" etc. Nobody is calling them sluts or questioning their maturity, yet you feel the need to draw attention to these things as if they are part of the issue.

 

While people like to waive around the rare incident where they had early sex and it ended up in a relationship or marriage... it is rare.

 

Noone I personally know ended up married to someone they had early sex with... unless, of course, they knew them in some other way before they decided to start dating and they had other ways of getting to know each other in advance... even if it were informal.

 

Bumping uglies is pretty intimate. Really. It is.

. No it's not. I watch the finches outside my window doing it, or trying to, every day. Fortunately for the finches, they don't get AIDS or herpes though. Can't cover everything with a condom. You feel like crossing your fingers on that important shyte, be my guest.

 

I think I understand that your dating style is different, perhaps focussing on building a greater depth of emotional intimacy before getting as far as sexual intimacy, but that's no more "real" nor intrinsically superior. It works for you, though, and that's great.

 

if you want a relationship, yes, my dating style is superior.

 

If you aren't particularly concerned whether or not a sexual exchange will work out for a relationship... and you are ok with 'safe'-er sex, then do things the other way. To each his/her own.

 

...but to answer the OP's question... how long to wait for sex? Until you are ready to accept the consequences that having sex brings.... whatever it is.

[Els]

The longest I've ever had to wait is three dates. Really, a mature relationship with a mature woman is what I like. When that happens, we talk about expectation and satisfy each others physical needs as both parties are comfortable. Thank goodness I've never met anyone with "rules" to complicate things.

 

I definitely think you're entitled to your preferences (though I doubt that how quickly a woman jumps into bed is directly correlated with maturity...), but this answer makes me curious. I recall a post of yours speaking strongly against hookup sex on a recent thread, stating that you consider sex in a R the best. Are you actually in a relationship with these women prior to date #3? Because honestly, sex after 1 or 2 dates just sounds a lot like hookup sex to me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am never completely relaxed with a guy, until we have had sex. Waiting too long weakens the connection for me.

[soccerrprp]

I definitely think you're entitled to your preferences (though I doubt that how quickly a woman jumps into bed is directly correlated with maturity...), but this answer makes me curious. I recall a post of yours speaking strongly against hookup sex on a recent thread, stating that you consider sex in a R the best. Are you actually in a relationship with these women prior to date #3? Because honestly, sex after 1 or 2 dates just sounds a lot like hookup sex to me.

 

I am in a relationship with these women if you define it as having had the exclusive talk. Not a hook up. We continued to date further (exclusively).

 

Again, the jumping into bed early on is not what I mean by mature.

[Els]

I am in a relationship with these women if you define it as having had the exclusive talk. Not a hook up. We continued to date further (exclusively).

 

Again, the jumping into bed early on is not what I mean by mature.

 

Ah, okay. It just seems strange to me, that people would be in a relationship after 1-2 dates, unless you've already known them prior to the dates.

 

Thanks for the clarification.