Problem with cheap friends...

[arrowblue]

So my 21st birthday was coming up and I wanted to do a nice brunch at a restaurant in Meatpacking (a trendy, upscale area in NYC for those who don't know). I'm graduating early from college, so this semester was my last in the city before I headed back home. I haven't been able to go out at all this semester because I've been preparing for the LSATs and have been focused on my schoolwork, so I sacrificed my social life for the semester. Thus, I wanted to have all my good friends/sorority sisters together for my 21st birthday and just celebrate over a nice meal at a nice restaurant.

 

I made a Facebook event for my birthday and everyone was expressing how excited they were that I'm finally turning 21 (my friends are all a year older). Then, when I updated the location of the event to the restaurant I wanted to go to, a few people looked up the brunch menu and started posting publicly for all the other guests to see, "Why is this dish $23?" or "I don't think I have enough money for this place". They were starting to subtly gang up on me for my restaurant choice, and I felt quite frankly, very uncomfortable. The other guests were excited and didn't seem to have a problem, but these few "friends" did not. I tried to mediate the situation by telling everyone that this place is awesome and it's not just another quickie lower-quality brunch place we would go to any other weekend, and that I would still try and look into other possible less expensive places for brunch. However, I still really wanted to have brunch at this specific place because I had really wanted to go for awhile.

 

I find another less expensive brunch spot instead of the place I wanted to go to from the start, except I would have to book at 1pm. Before I booked, I asked everyone in our group thread if they would be okay with a 1pm brunch, but I hadn't told them I had changed the restaurant yet. Basically everyone said it was fine, but then the few "friends" who had a problem with the original restaurant texted, "I'll be there but I'm probably not gonna eat anything. It's a little out of my price range". Then I said back, "Well, I'm asking about the time change because I found a different place that would be less expensive to accommodate you all." Also, restaurants don't like when big groups sit down and don't order anything to eat, so I wasn't about to have that.

 

THEN, about an hour later, one of the "friends" texts in the thread, "OMG, there's a $30 open bar tomorrow night at the ZBT event", and suddenly everyone starts texting back "OMG i'm so down". This immediately upset me because my friends were willing to spend $30 at a frat bar event, but not spend the same amount or less at my 21st birthday brunch? And they were saying this right in front of me? Get out of here.

 

I was so upset that I cancelled the brunch altogether. The fact that they were willing to spend the same amount at a frat party instead of at my 21st birthday, knowing that they have barely seen me all semester and won't see me for a long time, since I'm heading back home, was, for a lack of a better word, bull****. I would first, never complain to any of my friends about a restaurant's meal prices if they wanted to go somewhere nice and on the pricier side. Instead, if I couldn't afford it, I would tell them PRIVATELY, rather than publicly for other people to see and gang up on me, and offer to make up for it another way. Also, I know money is not the issue here. We go to an expensive school in the city that I will not name, and I know it's not like they have never spent this much on a nice meal before. Plus, they go out all the time, so I know that over the course of a week, they would accumulate over $30 spent anyways. All they had to do was not go out for one night and put aside that money for my 21st birthday. I have never asked any of my friends all semester to go out with me anywhere, or go to some nice restaurant on a random weekend just because I felt like it. For one day out of the whole 365 day calendar year, I wanted my friends to just be there to eat with me. But they can't even spend $30 or less on a meal for my birthday but will spend the same amount for a stupid frat party.

 

Am I wrong for being pissed about this? Frankly, I hate cheap people and I did not think my "friends" would complain about my 21st birthday brunch restaurant. It's a special occasion and I'm not asking them to do anything more than just brunch. We have all been in NYC for awhile now and know that the prices are not out of the ordinary for brunch. I would never do any of the above to them if it was their special day. It was never like I forced them into a prix-fixe meal or buy drinks on top of it. I told them about brunch 3 weeks before the actual event so it wasn't like I cornered them into something they couldn't do. They could have gotten two sides as a meal or something, instead of just one meal if they were really that concerned about prices. Seriously, am I in the wrong here? I ranted to one of my best friends about it and she thinks I need to let it go, and doesn't seem to fully agree that I have every right to be upset about it.

[CarrieT]

Yep - you are wrong...

 

If you want an expensive place, foot the bill yourself or throw yourself a party that doesn't involve others spending their own money.

[arrowblue]

I wasn't asking anyone to buy drinks or anything additional of the sort. They have all been out to fancy birthday dinners/brunches for other friends before and have spent even more than $30 on a meal! And I have never once asked my friends for ANYTHING for the three years I've been in school. I have never asked them to go out with me to spend money on $8 beers at a bar and I have always been there to celebrate with them and spend money at wherever they wanted to spend money. I spent $70 for a friend's 22nd birthday party and yes, it was expensive, but I did it and didn't complain because she was my best friend and it was her birthday.

 

Also, Hannah86, please don't assume that I'm the kind of the person that will be talking about myself for 2 hours. This was ultimately supposed to be a gathering of friends on my birthday. Good food and good friends for one day. That's it. I hadn't seen many of these friends in a very long time, or have only seen them in passing on the way to classes. The $30 open bar is at a really crummy dive bar with boys that we have already met and have known for 3+ years so me being upset comes from the fact that they were willing to spend their time drinking with frat boys rather than being there for their good friend's birthday. It's a place that no one goes to because it's THAT horrible of an establishment. And believe me, I love going out to dive bars.

 

I don't know if it's just cause people outside of NYC aren't familiar with what NYC restaurant prices are like, but the prices at the restaurant that I wanted to go to was not ridiculous at all in comparison to other places we have brunched at. In fact, we had all gone out to brunch at another restaurant with very similar prices the weekend before.

[Hannah86]

I am familiar with how expensive NYC restaurants are. They are completely outrageous, and it sounds like you picked one of the best, and at a time when everyone is probably completely fatigued from spending so much on nightlife. It's also almost summer, and I don't think anyone wants to spend $30+ (that is the VERY low end) on a bunch of calories when they could spend it at a party where all their friends will be.

 

Your birthday also coincides with the end of class, which means everyone wants to see each other before summer...not just you, but everyone. Again, you sound extremely entitled, and in reality you are not entitled to ask your friends to blow the bank on your birthday brunch.

 

I know on Facebook it looks like everyone is living like Blair Waldorf, but they aren't. I am sure a lot of your friends didn't even have a 21st birthday, but you remember the few that did and you want that too. You should think about an alternative plan...what about a pregame at your apartment, with fancy cocktail recipes from the internet? You can spend $100 and entertain a lot of people and get the big night out started early.

 

Also, a lot of college kids live beyond their means, and will not be willing to add $50 to their debts for a brunch.

[melodymatters]

I'm not sure it is ever polite or appropriate throw oneself a party at a place and time of your choosing and expect everyone to just go along happily and pay their own way.

 

If you were my friend and threw a house party, of course I would come. Same thing if you wanted everyone to meet you at a certain bar to have a drink to celebrate with you. MANDATING brunch is a bit heavy handed.

 

For example I hate eating in the morning and dislike most brunch foods, so sucking up my tab and pitching in for yours, to sit around with my sorority sisters doesn't sound fun in the least. And you don't really KNOW anyone else's financial situation for sure. They could be fronting to fit in at this "expensive school."

 

There is a lot of "I want" in your post and that's the type of thing that is acceptable with one's boyfriend or family, but doesn't go over so well with friends as you are discovering.

[arrowblue]

This restaurant is nice, but definitely not at the top of the list of "best NYC restaurants" or anything of the sort. I myself don't like blowing that much money when I go out, and it's not like I have an infinite amount of money to blow and I understood that when it came to my friends. The point I'm trying to make is that they have spent the same amount and even more at our other friends' birthday dinners, yet they have a problem spending <$30 at my brunch. I even calculated it to make sure that no one would be spending more than $30 and I was going to cover the gratuity and drinks if anyone wanted one, but I didn't say anything about that because I didn't want people to feel weird that I'm paying for their meal or something. Also, the weekend before I created the event on Facebook, we even went out for another friend's brunch and all spent between $20-30 for our meal.

 

This wasn't meant to be a fancy schmancy nice attire event. This was supposed to be a celebration of finishing finals/graduation/being a senior/everything else. It was supposed to be a laid-back gathering that we would have on any other weekend, while also celebrating my 21st, and I made that very clear when I sent out the fb invites. And most of the girls in this group of friends are living in the city for the summer so they will all be seeing each other often for some time, while I'm moving back home and won't be close by.

 

And actually, most of my friends that were invited did have their 21st birthdays at restaurants that were cheaper in entrees, but they loaded up on the alcohol and bought drinks to share that I didn't even drink. So it was still somewhat expensive, and I still had to pay for other people's alcohol I didn't even drink.

 

I wanted a nice brunch because I thought it would be a nice change from the typical pregames we already do in our apartments on a regular basis, or a lazy brunch at some place we go to after a night out. I really just did not think I was asking all that much.

[arrowblue]

I'm not sure it is ever polite or appropriate throw oneself a party at a place and time of your choosing and expect everyone to just go along happily and pay their own way.

 

If you were my friend and threw a house party, of course I would come. Same thing if you wanted everyone to meet you at a certain bar to have a drink to celebrate with you. MANDATING brunch is a bit heavy handed.

 

For example I hate eating in the morning and dislike most brunch foods, so sucking up my tab and pitching in for yours, to sit around with my sorority sisters doesn't sound fun in the least. And you don't really KNOW anyone else's financial situation for sure. They could be fronting to fit in at this "expensive school."

 

There is a lot of "I want" in your post and that's the type of thing that is acceptable with one's boyfriend or family, but doesn't go over so well with friends as you are discovering.

 

I wasn't mandating brunch or imposing it on anyone at all. If someone couldn't afford to pay for brunch, I would have been fine if they had spoken to me privately or shot me a text saying "Hey, I don't know if I have the money to spend for brunch, but I'd like to make it up to you somehow. Maybe we can go out for a drink another night?"

 

THAT I would have been totally fine with. I was just not cool with the whole ganging up on me thing and my friends making me feel like crap for choosing a nice restaurant for my 21st.

[Roadkill007]

I think this is the main issue here. You still consider all of these people to be good "friends" and "sisters". You haven't really hung with them in about a year. 1/3 at least of the time they've known you. As you said, you "sacrificed" social life. Why are you so surprised when you've lost a few friends over that time of social abstinence? Sure, for you, the last time you may have hung out with them might be clear as a childhood memory, but a lot of them seem to have moved on. You may as well be a friendly acquaintance.

 

I don't think the point here is that your friends are being cheapskates... because there were people who didn't complain, whether out of politeness, or them still considering you to be a friend, or consideration for a "been-away" friend. The point is that having lost track of "time", you still consider all of these girls to be "friends", when you haven't been some of these girls' "friend" for some time.

 

I understand you wanted this celebration to be special because for you, it marks the end of your stay there as a student and fellow sister. However, clearly not all your friends and sisters feel the same way about you.

[arrowblue]

I think this is the main issue here. You still consider all of these people to be good "friends" and "sisters". You haven't really hung with them in about a year. 1/3 at least of the time they've known you. As you said, you "sacrificed" social life. Why are you so surprised when you've lost a few friends over that time of social abstinence? Sure, for you, the last time you may have hung out with them might be clear as a childhood memory, but a lot of them seem to have moved on. You may as well be a friendly acquaintance.

 

I don't think the point here is that your friends are being cheapskates... because there were people who didn't complain, whether out of politeness, or them still considering you to be a friend, or consideration for a "been-away" friend. The point is that having lost track of "time", you still consider all of these girls to be "friends", when you haven't been some of these girls' "friend" for some time.

 

I understand you wanted this celebration to be special because for you, it marks the end of your stay there as a student and fellow sister. However, clearly not all your friends and sisters feel the same way about you.

 

We have all been good friends for the last three years and it's not at all the case that we have fallen out of contact or anything like that. It's just this semester that I've had to buckle down and focus on my studies much more and not hanging out with them as much as I used to was the price I paid. Sacrificing a social life didn't mean that I never ever saw them or talked to them all semester. They still invite me whenever they go out at night and we always keep in contact via our group chat, but I've just had to turn down offers to go out way more often this semester. in other words, I see them on a regular basis, but I'm just not able to go out with them as often.

 

One last thing, I do not want any gifts or presents on my birthday and I never expect anyone to bring me a present on my birthday. I was also never expecting anyone to pay for my birthday meal, as I always planned on paying for that myself, plus the gratuity and the drinks. In my circle of friends, it's always just assumed that you pay for what you order when it comes to splitting the bill. I have never expected another person or the host to pay for my meal, especially since we're only college students and paying for what we order is the easiest way to go about the bill and it's what we always do to keep it fair. I also generally feel uncomfortable when someone else offers to pay for my meal cause I just feel bad, like I'm paying nothing or contributing nothing on THEIR birthday. I know there are many people who think it's common courtesy to bring a gift, and if there the host requests for no gifts, the least they can do is pay for their own meal or chip in for their part.

[Roadkill007]

We have all been good friends for the last three years and it's not at all the case that we have fallen out of contact or anything like that. It's just this semester that I've had to buckle down and focus on my studies much more and not hanging out with them as much as I used to was the price I paid. Sacrificing a social life didn't mean that I never ever saw them or talked to them all semester. They still invite me whenever they go out at night and we always keep in contact via our group chat, but I've just had to turn down offers to go out way more often this semester. in other words, I see them on a regular basis, but I'm just not able to go out with them as often.

 

 

I think if that's the case, it simply shows the level of friendship these girls have with you varies from member to member. Perhaps some of them are more "fair weather" friends, and since you've stopped being a "regular", while they still went through motions, they started caring less about the friendship than the fun they had from socializing with you. Thus the "making excuses" to not spend brunch with you in a potentially boring event while enthusiastically attending a regular "partyish" event. I still don't think this is an issue of them being cheapskates, because they clearly are willing to spend money on things they enjoy and/or feel are important to them.

 

Real "cheapskates" don't drink at bars, they get drunk before going in. Real "cheapskates" don't spend less on certain friends or events than others, they're equal opportunity cheapskates. Real "cheapskates" actually might be willing to spend a bit more for what they consider an important parting event involving a close friend. A lot of my close friends have been "cheap".... and what you describe as "cheap" friends are more "cheapskate of a friend" rather than a "cheapskate" friend.

[hppr]

I wasn't asking anyone to buy drinks or anything additional of the sort. They have all been out to fancy birthday dinners/brunches for other friends before and have spent even more than $30 on a meal!

 

You aren't in the wrong it's just that they don't think as highly of you as you were hoping they did. You see there are FRIENDS and there are BUDDIES. FRIENDS are people who are there for you, help you out, the kind of people you would put it on the line for. The there are BUDDIES who come around when things are fun and easy sort of stuff. If you wanted to have some going away party just say the hell with your little brunch and hit up the bar with them as that is obviously what they want to do anyways.

[hppr]

Real "cheapskates" don't drink at bars, they get drunk before going in.

 

Yeah or stay home with a 12 pack of whatever is on sale.

[Roadkill007]

You aren't in the wrong it's just that they don't think as highly of you as you were hoping they did. You see there are FRIENDS and there are BUDDIES. FRIENDS are people who are there for you, help you out, the kind of people you would put it on the line for. The there are BUDDIES who come around when things are fun and easy sort of stuff. If you wanted to have some going away party just say the hell with your little brunch and hit up the bar with them as that is obviously what they want to do anyways.

 

 

ahh, yes this is the explanation I was trying to get at. While she considers all of them friends, many of them consider her a buddy who hasn't even hung out with them that often. Thanks, I'm terrible at explaining things at times <.<;

[arrowblue]

I think if that's the case, it simply shows the level of friendship these girls have with you varies from member to member. Perhaps some of them are more "fair weather" friends, and since you've stopped being a "regular", while they still went through motions, they started caring less about the friendship than the fun they had from socializing with you. Thus the "making excuses" to not spend brunch with you in a potentially boring event while enthusiastically attending a regular "partyish" event. I still don't think this is an issue of them being cheapskates, because they clearly are willing to spend money on things they enjoy and/or feel are important to them.

 

Real "cheapskates" don't drink at bars, they get drunk before going in. Real "cheapskates" don't spend less on certain friends or events than others, they're equal opportunity cheapskates. Real "cheapskates" actually might be willing to spend a bit more for what they consider an important parting event involving a close friend. A lot of my close friends have been "cheap".... and what you describe as "cheap" friends are more "cheapskate of a friend" rather than a "cheapskate" friend.

 

Thanks for this perspective. I can definitely see this and I agree with you on the "cheapskate of a friend" thing. It's definitely not about them "not having money". I know for a fact these girls spend their money where they feel like spending it and have spent even more at other friends' special events. We have always split the bill/paid for our own things when the bill came at all of these events (i mean, we're college students), and in some instances I have paid even more than I should have for other peoples' drinks/food.

 

The point I wanted to make to the people being super harsh to me about this, was that I was not expecting any gifts or presents from any of my friends and I was not expecting them to pay for my meal at all. That's not who I am and I made it very clear that this would be like any other get-together that we always do on the weekends, and that it would be a fun day to just hang out altogether for the first time in awhile in a casual setting and celebrate multiple things (our graduation, being seniors, start of summer, me turning 21). I didn't want a dinner because I knew that would have been waaaay expensive and more formal and I only wanted to have a casual gathering like we already do on any other weekend. I never go in expecting a free ride at any of my other friends' special events, unless it's like a wedding or a much more formal event with actual invitations. I've always grown up being told that when you go to a birthday party, you should bring a gift, but if the host says not to bring gifts, at least pay for your part if you're at a birthday dinner. I would also never have complained about someone's restaurant choice publicly. I would have done it privately and I would not have been offended at all if those "friends" had done that instead of ganging up on me. Then, on top of that, I would not publicly say that I'm going to hang out with a boring frat and spend $30 on them for watered down drinks at a crummy dive bar.

 

Anyways, I already had a part two planned for my birthday at a beer hall with just a few of my closest friends in that group who I know weren't being fair weathered and were all for the idea of going out to brunch. I love my beer and I know it'll be a good time, so I'm good to go. I was just really taken aback and upset by my other "friends" who ganged up on me about my birthday plans when I was there for their birthdays and spent a good amount at theirs as well, on top of them consistently going out and spending the same amount of money elsewhere.

[Nyla]

It appears that you are expecting the same generosity from your acquaintances, that you have shown them on their birthdays. Most people love to take and not give, even if they can afford it.

 

I believe it was rude of them to gang up on you about your choice; kind of tacky and uncouth. It must hurt to see your friends spend a lot at a frat party, but not on your birthday when you went all out for them.

 

I am a generous and kind person. People have taken advantage of that in the past. Now I am more careful about who benefits from how loving and sharing I am. It also helps when I manage my expectations and realize that people may not feel as close to me as I would like to feel to them.

[SpiralOut]

I think that a good friend who was strapped for cash would apologize for not being able to go but offer to do something else with you instead.

 

So I don't blame you for feeling upset. It can be hard when once-close friends start to drift away. However I don't think it was fair to expect everyone to say yes. It's okay for people to say no, regardless of what their reasons are. If I were you I would have just gone ahead with the brunch anyway, with the friends who didn't mind going.