Just need to tell my story...want a separation but am afraid to ask

[ashlynma]

Hello there,

 

I'm new to this forum although I've been reading posts for a little while now. I think most everyone here has good insight and I just want to share my story. I apologize because I think this might be a little long.

 

My husband and I married when our oldest daughter was two years old. She is now six. For reasons that I won't go into here, we split up once when she was ten months, and, in hindsight, should probably have stayed that way. To make that long story short, we both decided that we should give our relationship a second chance so that she could have two parents. Maybe that was the right decision, maybe not. I know that, at least on my part, a certain trust was no longer there due to some things that had gone on during our separation (I dated someone else, some lies were told about me by him...water under the bridge??).

 

Anyway, I almost didn't marry him because it didn't really feel right. However, I thought maybe I just had some sort of marriage jitters so we married, as planned. There was a short time during that first year that we were married that I thought we definitely did the right thing. We talked about our future and rounding out our family with another child and had our second daughter two years ago. I guess that for me, that was probably when things soured. We planned to have another baby, and when we found out I was pg, he said "You know I just have to ask, is the baby mine?" ??????? Man, that hurt. It was one of those comments that he tried to brush off as joking but I knew he was serious. His mom had five kids by 3 different dads so it's something he's sensitive to. He then proceeded to give me the silent treatment for almost two months straight. I think it was because the house got messy and I didn't cook every meal due to the horrible morning sickness. I tried to talk to him about it but he'd just shake his head.

 

Soooo....that was probably the beginning of the end for me.

 

Now he is, and really always has been, emotionally detatched from me (and everyone else, really). I don't feel that he hates me, but I don't really feel that he loves me. He is easily the most negative person that I've ever met, and has always been that way. When we were younger (before we ever dated) I was afraid of him because of his gruff demeanor. As I got to know him better it wasn't as noticeable. In the morning if the sun is out I'll comment on what a nice morning it is and he'll mumble something about how the clouds will roll in just as he gets off work so he won't get to enjoy it. When he gets home from work (we both work full-time, I just get home earlier) he complains about every little wrongdoing that happened during the day. Then talks about this idiot and that idiot. My blood pressure goes up by the time he's done grouching.

 

Another thing that is very hurtful to me is that he only touches me nicely when he wants to have sex. I mean this literally. Otherwise, it's boob-grabs and butt-slaps which I really don't like. I've told him that I don't like to be groped like that all the time and his answer was "fine, I'll never touch you then." He's pretty hard to reason with because he walks out on any serious conversation we try to have.

 

All I can really say is that I'm done. I'm done being ignored, done being given the silent treatment to, done with the negativity, the groping, the complaining. I'm afraid to tell him. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I'm afraid of. He's not going to hurt me, physically. He will go out and tell anyone who will listen, lies about me. His mom and sisters are very protective of him and I'll be getting hateful phone calls from them. It's touchy because his mom babysits our two-year-old during the day. The kids love her and I'm afraid she'll say she doesn't want to babysit any more because of me. I don't want my kids to suffer because of this.

 

Thank you for reading this. I apologize for rambling. If you have any helpful insight or if you're going through something similar I would love to hear from you.

[Ladyjane14]

I think the first question you have to ask yourself is what is it that you REALLY want. Do you love this man? Do you want a family with him? You have alot invested in the relationship with the two children. If you could repair the marital relationship, would you want to?

 

Because it looks like mostly communication problems to me, with maybe a little mild depression or mild anxiety. I say that because alot of how you described your husband's outlook and demeaner matches very closely with that of my husband last year. Good news is that these things are treatable.

 

My husband and I are doing very well now, having had some counseling and treatment for his depression, but I can tell you that at the time I saw very little hope for working it out. And yet here we are, happier than we've been since the beginning of our marriage. That was 21 years ago, btw.

 

I know it's really hard to live with someone who is angry, pessimistic, and closed off emotionally. They aren't telling you what they need in terms that you can understand. They tend to focus on small grievances rather than looking at the big picture, and can't see that they are destroying the entire relationship with their nit-picking. They are either shouting or shutting down.

 

It's difficult to remain supportive when you feel like you've got a bulls-eye painted on your back and just waiting all the time for another emotional attack. But this really can be a cry for help. Particularly when the kids are small and the husband feels bad for needing your attention.

 

He knows you are covered up with taking care of them, and doesn't want to ask for what he needs. Afterall, he's a big, burly man and should be able to take care of his family as well as himself! But he can't, because something inside is not right, he doesn't know what it is, and he can't fix it himself.

 

If that sounds like your husband, the biggest problem that you face is getting him to see the problem. It's so much more comfortable for them to believe that YOU are the one who needs to change.

 

Sometimes you have to up the ante, and let them know that you will NOT live with them unless they commit completely to saving the marriage. Unless they are willing to do whatever it requires to make it work. All the while bearing in mind that when you issue an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to back it up. Ultimatums are a 50/50 proposition and they could go either way.

 

Think it over a little more before you throw in the towel. You've got alot at stake.

[ashlynma]

Thanks Ladyjane,

 

I do feel that he is a depressed person. I've always kept that in the back of my mind which made it easier when he was grumpy. I guess I let it be his excuse. At the moment, I'm having a hard time excusing his behavior. I didn't include this in my last post, but what has brought all this to a head was a miscarriage I had in August. His reaction before and after the fact was horrible, and I haven't been able to let it go. He even half-heartedly apologized for the whole thing and I'm still numb to him. I didn't want to act on it before because I thought a lot of it may be hormonal but at this point I know it's not. We talked about things today at lunch which usually calms me down but right now I feel just like I did before. I brought up counseling and he argues that we can't afford it. Huh? I told him that it was worth selling some stuff over if we had to. He wouldn't comment on it after that. I guess something will have to work out, eh?

[whichwayisup]

Hey. Get yourself a therapist to talk to so you can sort your feelings out. Don't worry about the fallout of this decision now. Put yourself and your children first.

 

Thing that gets me is when you say, " He then proceeded to give me the silent treatment for almost two months straight."

 

THAT is the rudest, most disrespectful thing anyone could do to another person. Do you KNOW how much effort it takes to ignore someone?? And what it means as well. That really p*ssed me off reading that. I'm sorry, because I could only imagine how that made you feel. My heart goes out to you and your children.

 

I'd just go ahead, make the plans you need to do and get out. He doesn't deserve you or the kids.

[Ladyjane14]

but what has brought all this to a head was a miscarriage I had in August. His reaction before and after the fact was horrible, and I haven't been able to let it go.

 

What happened? This sounds like an important issue in your relationship.

 

I brought up counseling and he argues that we can't afford it.

 

Do you have medical insurance? If so, call the member services number on the back of your insurance card and ask them what your benefits are for marriage councelling. They can also give you a list of participating providers in your area. At the very least he could talk to your family doctor about depression.

 

Because of HIPAA regulations, the doctor might not be willing to discuss your husband with you. Your husband will need to seek treatment on his own and admit that he needs it. Will he do that?

[dopey]

If you're done I'd say enditsooner thanlater and give your kids the best shot at adjusting. But only if you're really sure

[ashlynma]

The miscarriage? He thought I had gone and gotten pregnant on purpose (NOPE!!!) When I told him I was pg he completely blew up at me. I had gone to bed and he came in and yelled for 45 min or so about how I had always wanted 3 kids, blah blah blah, and really made me feel terrible. I didn't want another child but was willing to deal with it. He pouted and grumbled about it for the whole 3 months that it lasted, and when I lost the pregnancy, he made several comments about getting rid of all the baby s**t that we had and that he was going to go in and get "fixed" (which is fine with me, it's just that when the emotions were raw his comments were really painful). I felt guilty during the entire time it lasted and never came to terms until it was too late, I guess. To me, his true colors came shining through at that moment and I haven't been able to forgive or forget yet.

 

I wasn't aware that insurance may cover counseling. He and I have seperate plans through our work so I'll definitely check in on it. I don't know that I'd be a good "counselee" at this point though. I feel pretty numb.

[Ladyjane14]

That's really terrible the way he treated you. Did he ever apologize? Did you ever discuss how bad that made you feel? And if so, what did he have to say for himself?

 

I'm a firm believer in keeping families together when possible. Divorces are hard on kids. And if there is hope of getting back to a loving relationship with your spouse, then I think it's best to explore that until there is no hope. I don't however espouse the notion that unhappy people should stay together for the sake of the children. Only you can be the judge of that.

 

I can tell you this though, my husband said some really terrible things to me over the course of 22 years. We went for about six months where whenever he was upset with me he would say, "you're just not worth it!". That's just one among many.

 

He was always upset with himself afterwards and usually apologized. It's verbal abuse, and like physical abusers, they are often remorseful. Both behaviors display a loss of self-control, and in the case of physical abuse there has to be a zero tolerance policy. I'm not sure what the standard should be for verbal abuse.

 

Once I figured out that my husband needed treatment for his depression, I was able to forgive him and be a little more patient while he worked through it. And this verbal abuse has stopped completely.

 

For me, the key to it was determining that my husband was ill and WANTED to get better. This was NOT a personality trait. I don't think a person who thinks that they are entitled to behave that way should have the same latitude as a person who is ill. Afterall, your children are hearing all that too.

 

Here's another question for you: How do YOU feel about his mandate that there will be no more children?

 

You know, marriage is kind of like taking a trip together. There can be lots of detours and bumps in the road, but you really need to be going to the same place! Are you? Do you have the same values and long-term goals?

 

You're the only one who can make the decision on if your marriage is worth saving. I do recommend the counseling though. It will help you in the long run to have the peace of mind of knowing that you did all you could.

[ashlynma]

When he and I talked about things the other day, I brought up the mc incident and told him how it had made me feel, and he said he was sorry. He actually said that he had already apologized for that (I honestly can't remember) and that he never should have done that but...and he had some excuse for it that I was trying to think back on when he had supposedly apologized. Maybe he really did and I just missed it.

 

As far as not having any more children, I think it's unfair for him to say no more because he doesn't want any more. I think that's a decision that should be made by both of us. However, I am not feeling any urge to have more kids so it's just as well. It's the idea of it that isn't fair.

 

We are meeting for lunch again today. He brought it up so I'm not sure what's going on. If things are somewhat peaceful I'll bring up counseling again. If he seems to not be hearing me I won't waste my breath until he cools off and listens.

 

Thanks for your input ladyjane!!

[ashlynma]

....and about the depression. I think he thinks it's me who has the problem. I have been through depression and know what it's about and I also know that my thoughts are very clear with none of the cloudiness and desparity that go on with depression.

 

I'll post more after lunch

[ashlynma]

Well, he agrees to counseling. He says he doesn't want to throw away seven years. Admittedly, it's me that feels negative about things right now, but I'll try for the kids. He's offered to move out and most of me wants to take him up on it. It'll probably happen but I don't want to rush into that and regret it later.

[Ladyjane14]

That's good news.

 

I wouldn't take him up on the moving out thing yet. Give it some time first, and see how it goes. You'll risk less regret later if you know that you did everything that you could now.

 

Besides, there's always time to throw his sorry butt out later if he doesn't take this counseling seriously.