I might start testing a man's temper in my next relationship

[samsungxoxo]

I don't know but the more I'm reading about them lashing out, the more alarming it becomes. It's like many have it in them to snap at one time if we were pushing their buttons far (or even as a test). No, that's not an excuse at all but it's like as the years passed by they are snapping more easily.

 

I would immediately have him arrested because I'm absolutely inflexible on this area (the ultimate deal breaker for me... I may forgive and work out through many things such as getting lied too, betrayed, etc but not getting physical assaulted nor threatened). But it's scary to know that all it takes is to push him a bit further and there you have it. He'll revert to his retalitory instinct and not recognize you in that moment when snapping at you.

 

Now I heard of some men that had self-control all the time and never snapped in years. But it still makes me wonder if they would have snapped too at some point?

 

BTW, when I get into a relationship... I think I'll be testing him. That way, I'll know his temper. If he fails the first time, he's dump. I will probably start asking him questions later on about the topic. If he's the type to confront you right away and gets in my face or of retaliatory nature, he failed.

 

My ex bf passed (though I didn't test him but it was his view on only using that as last resort for extremely self-defense purpose only not as pure retaliation) but well that's another story. The break up was over something different; other deal breakers.

[samsungxoxo]

Now I know I'm no saint either but for the obvious reason, I would like the man to still restrain himself from whatever violent urges he may have on his brain.

 

Seems that some men lose their patience too faster than others. I sure would never date a ''You gotta put them in their place if they step out of line'' type.

 

This is the only particular area I'm totally black and white one (unlike with cheating... I'm beginning to see that as a grey area) but not violence.

 

I guess better to find out sooner which man is likely to lose his temper vs which one is of a sweet, calm nature than later on. I'm right now thinking of tests to give him (some will be more complicated than others but if he knows the answer, he'll pass it..... if not he fails it and he's dumped).

Edited May 18, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[goneundone]

Hun. You'll know a good man when he is considerate of your feelings, when he wants to protect you, when he wants to take care of you, when he is gentle, when he wants to help you be the best you can be, when he provides for you, when he cares if you are hurting.

 

You seem very mixed up. Please read some self help books about intimacy in relationships, codependency, and whatever has hurt you in the past that you need healing from.

 

When a man disrespects you he is fulfilling his emotional dysfunction. Likewise, when you disrespect a man you are fulfilling your emotional dysfunction. Good luck.

[samsungxoxo]

Hun. You'll know a good man when he is considerate of your feelings, when he wants to protect you, when he wants to take care of you, when he is gentle, when he wants to help you be the best you can be, when he provides for you, when he cares if you are hurting.

 

You seem very mixed up. Please read some self help books about intimacy in relationships, codependency, and whatever has hurt you in the past that you need healing from.

 

When a man disrespects you he is fulfilling his emotional dysfunction. Likewise, when you disrespect a man you are fulfilling your emotional dysfunction. Good luck.

I guess once in a while I start having flashbacks of my parents' episodes as well as threads how it only takes harsh words and the man reacts quickly.

 

See with my parents, my mother by no means was a saint. She would start her arguments with horrible verbal outbursts, slammed doors, get in his face and be extremely degrading but my father is the one to blame the most for not having enough self-dontrol and sometimes responding physically at some point after yelling ''Shut up'' many times. Though, he has now developed the new approach of simply ignoring her (took him a while to figure out getting physical was never the right answer).

 

I learned some men in the past were like that too. They too responded physically even the woman got extremely verbally.

 

Still, even so I would expect the man to have enough self-control not to hurt the woman in anyway or at least leave or walk away.

[samsungxoxo]

If I were to greatly disrespect a man who does nothing to me, I would expect to get dumped not hit.

[gaius]

So it would have been better if your dad got locked up in prison or dumped you and your mom?

[M30USA]

OP, with respect I ask you this question:

 

What if your next boyfriend has determined to cut out all women who "play games" by "testing" exactly as you have decided to do?

 

I say live and let live. No testing is needed. Men are turned off by fabricated drama.

[carhill]

OP, one potential downside is, if a good man gets a whiff of 'testing', he'll be gone and you'll have lost out on a potentially healthy relationship simply because of an artificially created test.

 

In most relationships, nearly all I've ever seen or experienced, there's bound to be natural conflict, disagreement and variation of opinion. Go with the flow and see how it goes, versus arbitrary and capricious 'tests'.

[Woggle]

Recreating the drama you saw growing up will not get you a good relationship. I would never think of hitting a woman but if a woman did this to me I would be out the door fast.

[imtooconfused]

If I were to greatly disrespect a man who does nothing to me, I would expect to get dumped not hit.

 

Sorta sounds like the Salem Witch Trials. "Oh dear, I guess she wasn't a witch after all now that she's at the bottom of the lake."

[samsungxoxo]

So it would have been better if your dad got locked up in prison or dumped you and your mom?

And did it worked doing what he was doing?? It never did. She pretty much hates him in the inside. It has made me resent him for years too.

 

It took him too long to figure out hitting wasn't the answer but self-control...not to a strong willed person like her who would revert back to the same again and again.

[samsungxoxo]

OP, with respect I ask you this question:

 

What if your next boyfriend has determined to cut out all women who "play games" by "testing" exactly as you have decided to do?

 

I say live and let live. No testing is needed. Men are turned off by fabricated drama.

But see you I'm not going to make it that obvious nor do it that often. One day I might ask him a ''What if'' answer, then if all goes well weeks later I will test him in another way.

 

Off course if I keep on asking him the same thing, then yes it would bore anyone but don't think he would notice I've been testing him from the start.

[samsungxoxo]

I would never think of hitting a woman but if a woman did this to me I would be out the door fast.

As it should be. If he's with that mentality (same as what you're saying) then ok I won't test him further. I know he wouldn't be the type to hurt me but leave. That's the type I would respect the most.

 

I don't deal with black knights type mentality.... those that believe in ''eye for an eye'' thing. I don't want to date a ''mess with me and I'll **** you badly'' guy. I don't need to be reminded that he can hurt me badly. Definitely not the trait of a good man.

[WHOLESALEPACK]

Looks like the OP wants to have the upperhand of the whole relationship. It doesn't sound like she wants an alpha male but a beta; a ''yes ma'm'' type.

 

There are still many men like that out there but I feel sorry for him. Generally these are men that were either abandoned by the mother or have white knight syndrome. He is going to be dealing with a controlling woman while she needs him to assert her control. Otherwise any sane man would start packing their bags and run.

 

It's interesting how because of one man (her father) who acted violently all men get the blame and now the OP turns into a future controlling woman that has to do that to any man that crosses her path, even if he's truly innocent and would never hurt a woman.

Edited May 19, 2013 by WHOLESALEPACK

[samsungxoxo]

Sorta sounds like the Salem Witch Trials. "Oh dear, I guess she wasn't a witch after all now that she's at the bottom of the lake."

I'd rather not be overly trusting and then be proven wrong (nothing wrong with admitting you were wrong afterwards) than be all trusting like my mother was only to later on find out he has certain violent traits/impulses within him.

[samsungxoxo]

Looks like the OP wants to have the upperhand of the whole relationship. It doesn't sound like she wants an alpha male but a beta; a ''yes ma'm'' type.

What do we have here, animal labels!!!

What's wrong with wanting a man that doesn't have violent urges, one that will not hurt me even if I was a total Biotch (yes I know there are some girls like that but he still has to have self-control eitherway).

It's interesting how because of one man (her father) who acted violently all men get the blame and now the OP turns into a future controlling woman that has to do that to any man that crosses her path, even if he's truly innocent and would never hurt a woman.

When exactly did I say ''All men are abusive jerks''? If that were the title of my thread then yes that would've been a wrong assumption and I would be just as pathetic as the bitter male posters that would post here a while long about us. I'm only being smart and perhaps protecting myself from giving myself away too easily without knowing his temper. Nothing wrong with that. Afterall a relationship starts off by dating a stranger.

[samsungxoxo]

Many men are too focused on a woman's sexual past. So why can't I be the same way towards a man's temper and his level of self-control?

[M30USA]

Samsung, how is your own temper? Or better yet, if I asked a non-family member or non-friend of yours, would they say you have a pleasant disposition or that you have a temper?

[samsungxoxo]

Samsung, how is your own temper? Or better yet, if I asked a non-family member or non-friend of yours, would they say you have a pleasant disposition or that you have a temper?

They would say the typical things:

1) Home girl

2) Good listener

3) Sweet (well my then bf would called me a Ms Goody Two-Shoes), hardly ever gets upset

4) Overall they would say I'm alright

[imtooconfused]

While no one would disagree with you protecting yourself from an abuser, your idea of proactively testing a relationship:

 

If I were to greatly disrespect a man who does nothing to me, I would expect to get dumped not hit.

 

will get you one of three outcomes:

 

(1) Physically abused: Congratulations, your actions triggered the behavior you least wanted.

 

(2) A dysfunctional relationship: By testing for physical abuse by being emotionally abusive, you may find your partner prefers to be controlled and will become more and more passive and controllable. Not the ideal partner.

 

(3) No relationship: The ideal man would not accept being disrespected and would walk away, never wanting to see you again.

 

As carhill has said, conflict will naturally arise in a relationship. Abusers will have problems dealing with their anger even before they become physical. When these behaviors manifest themselves, you can be proactive at that time.

[samsungxoxo]

While no one would disagree with you protecting yourself from an abuser, your idea of proactively testing a relationship:

 

 

 

will get you one of three outcomes:

 

(1) Physically abused: Congratulations, your actions triggered the behavior you least wanted.

 

(2) A dysfunctional relationship: By testing for physical abuse by being emotionally abusive, you may find your partner prefers to be controlled and will become more and more passive and controllable. Not the ideal partner.

 

(3) No relationship: The ideal man would not accept being disrespected and would walk away, never wanting to see you again.

True. All of them are negative outcomes. 1 and 2 aren't men I want in my life. While I hate abusers and arrogant douchebags, at the same time I can't imagine what it would be like dating a man I control (it would probably feel like dating a child... I might even start feeling guilty and stay with him but find ways to get him bored) all the time. 3, yes it would suck to lose him because of how I was treating him by testing him.

So basically dating and finding a man that won't hurt me is liking doing a bet. He can turn out good and the relationship continues or bad and there is no relationship anymore....then you have to start all over again and find the one.

As carhill has said, conflict will naturally arise in a relationship. Abusers will have problems dealing with their anger even before they become physical. When these behaviors manifest themselves, you can be proactive at that time.

I know abusive men tend to first maybe tell you're not good enough, get in your face, punch walls, move things or do other things that would scared anyone before moving towards physical abuse. Those are all signs I can clearly avoid and he'll be dumped.

 

But ok if I let the relationship go normally without doing that test, an argument arises and suddenly I noticed how he's reacting angry quickly and it scares me, then I can dump him.

Edited May 20, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Woggle]

This kind of stuff will send any man that has things going for him packing. No healthy person wants to deal with constant tests and drama.

[samsungxoxo]

This kind of stuff will send any man that has things going for him packing. No healthy person wants to deal with constant tests and drama.

I understand how that may turn him off but what if I told him about my parents and my father's violent reaction impacting me? I saw it all; no child should be witnessing that.

 

Usually a girl gets an idea of what man she wants by what she saw her father doing. I definitely do not want a man having my father's limited self-control.

[M30USA]

I understand how that may turn him off but what if I told him about my parents and my father's violent reaction impacting me? I saw it all; no child should be witnessing that.

 

Usually a girl gets an idea of what man she wants by what she saw her father doing. I definitely do not want a man having my father's limited self-control.

 

What did your father do that is so bad? Did he ever strike any of you? Or abuse any of you phsyically?

 

I've also known women who, no matter how good or bad their father is, will complain about him and resent him. My sister in law apparently has serious issues with her father. Why? Because he...get this..."lectured" her frequently. So let me get this straight. He didn't physically abuse her, he obviously provided for her upbringing, and on all accounts didn't committ any other forms of abuse. Yet she talks about him AS IF HE WAS AN ABUSER simply because he "lectured" her. I think some women need to just get realistic and stop expecting their fathers to be Jesus Christ on earth.

[todreaminblue]

I don't know but the more I'm reading about them lashing out, the more alarming it becomes. It's like many have it in them to snap at one time if we were pushing their buttons far (or even as a test). No, that's not an excuse at all but it's like as the years passed by they are snapping more easily.

 

I would immediately have him arrested because I'm absolutely inflexible on this area (the ultimate deal breaker for me... I may forgive and work out through many things such as getting lied too, betrayed, etc but not getting physical assaulted nor threatened). But it's scary to know that all it takes is to push him a bit further and there you have it. He'll revert to his retalitory instinct and not recognize you in that moment when snapping at you.

 

Now I heard of some men that had self-control all the time and never snapped in years. But it still makes me wonder if they would have snapped too at some point?

 

BTW, when I get into a relationship... I think I'll be testing him. That way, I'll know his temper. If he fails the first time, he's dump. I will probably start asking him questions later on about the topic. If he's the type to confront you right away and gets in my face or of retaliatory nature, he failed.

 

My ex bf passed (though I didn't test him but it was his view on only using that as last resort for extremely self-defense purpose only not as pure retaliation) but well that's another story. The break up was over something different; other deal breakers.

 

 

 

life is a test for temperament......you cannot set up fake tests and expect them to be conclusive......the only way is to interact with them in the everyday, know them before you date them ....see them at their best and worst and make your call then......that will be conclusive.....unless of course they put on an act.....but with me.....i take guys for how they are until they prove otherwise....and i try to have a little faith........best wishes....deb