I might start testing a man's temper in my next relationship

[samsungxoxo]

Come to think of it, I'm guilty of once trying to get my then bf fail this test. About 6 years ago, we were watching the Blue Lagoon movie and in a scene, this teenaged couple, stranded on a deserted island started arguing. Then the girl starts throwing coconuts at the guy as a way of saying ''Leave me alone, you're annoying me'' (basically getting the guy to leave and stop talking to her) and one of them land in his head. He falls for some brief seconds and the girl feels terrible. He starts getting up and as the girl is apologizing asking if he's alright, he slaps her hard in anger. Right away, my then bf says ''That's wrong, I would never hit a girl''. My reply was something ''Good, I would answer back if you hit me (actually I would have left and reported him for assault, but that was just a small test) and he said ''I wouldn't''.

 

Had his answer been ''Good, I would have done the same thing'' then we wouldn't be dating further.

[samsungxoxo]

What did your father do that is so bad? Did he ever strike any of you? Or abuse any of you phsyically?

 

I've also known women who, no matter how good or bad their father is, will complain about him and resent him. My sister in law apparently has serious issues with her father. Why? Because he...get this..."lectured" her frequently. So let me get this straight. He didn't physically abuse her, he obviously provided for her upbringing, and on all accounts didn't committ any other forms of abuse. Yet she talks about him AS IF HE WAS AN ABUSER simply because he "lectured" her. I think some women need to just get realistic and stop expecting their fathers to be Jesus Christ on earth.

At worst it was getting spanked with a belt or hands at an early age (pass age 7/8, it was him raising his voice but I didn't get hit by then...just my mother). Though this isn't technically abuse, there are other ways of correcting a child without getting physical or yelling in order to get your points acrossed. Those times he would spanked was in frustration too.

 

Overall, what rights did he had in hitting my mother??? Had it been in absolute self-defense and if my mother were threatening with a weapon and he hit to get her away from him then ok. But he wasn't justified in what he did and I resent that. I forgive but will never forget. Never.. It will always be on the back of my mind of the man that has to hit and lose patience to get women and small children to behave.

[Woggle]

I understand how that may turn him off but what if I told him about my parents and my father's violent reaction impacting me? I saw it all; no child should be witnessing that.

 

Usually a girl gets an idea of what man she wants by what she saw her father doing. I definitely do not want a man having my father's limited self-control.

 

I was raised in hell and I fought like hell to get over the urge to test my wife but I worked on myself because it is not fair to make her pay for my mother's sins. Like I said I would never hit a woman but I am not just going to stand around and take being mistreated.

[samsungxoxo]

I was raised in hell and I fought like hell to get over the urge to test my wife but I worked on myself because it is not fair to make her pay for my mother's sins. Like I said I would never hit a woman but I am not just going to stand around and take being mistreated.

Yeah, I remembered your posts (glad to hear you got over it and trust your wife). Maybe I'm the female version of the old you. I just never fully admitted in this forum till now.

 

I have to admit, one time I was on the verge of posting if the lack of self-control and violent urges is in some men's nature but erased it. I didn't want to look like certain male posters that would do the same asking if we're golddiggers or other things.

[Els]

I'm not sure how you intend to get a healthy R from approaching it in such an unhealthy manner.

[samsungxoxo]

Many times I was so close to forgetting this already when I happen to bump into ''My bf hit me'' posts and them wondering if maybe the way they behave provoked the man to react that way.

 

Or seeing this post If you think its okay to hit a woman... - Page 19 - Bodybuilding.com Forums

 

The one that shocked me the most was one male poster saying that if he found out he raised another man's child, he would literally beat the woman to death. A man with not only violent but murdering urges!!!

[Els]

Are you like a reincarnation of younger Woggle?

 

If you look hard enough for 'proof' of men doing this or women doing that, I can assure you you will find plenty.

[samsungxoxo]

Are you like a reincarnation of younger Woggle?

It's a possibility. The way he was posting in the past reminds me of how I've been feeling for a very long time towards some men and every thing having to do with avoiding a man that would hit me or do other violent things (I've been trying not to overgeneralize in my threads but at times I've been guilt of close to doing it... something would stop me in the end and I would use the word ''some or many'').

 

I'm not too concern about getting cheated on nor lied too. That's a deal-breaker too and it would be over too. But the ''hitting and violent trait'' is what I can't get past.

If you look hard enough for 'proof' of men doing this or women doing that, I can assure you you will find plenty.

Yes and that would mean I have to start all over again with someone new.

 

Brb, I'm crying right now... guess I got kinda emotional. Never had this thing happened on a forum.

[samsungxoxo]

Among certain groups I don't trust that much are some hispanic men as well as black or those with the middle east. Whenever I keep reading about a domestic violence case most of the times it's one within that group. Notice: I'm saying some from these group do that.

 

I don't know why. To make matters worst my father is hispanic. Though I gotta say my ex bf made the exception (he was hispanic and had black mixture but never hit me nor acted violent). In the end it was his lack of commitment and making me believe he wanted to marry me but never did that turn me off.

[CrimsonEyed]

While i did not read every post you wrote, but the majority... The last few really stood out. I dont agree you should test any men. You should simply just ask and trust your instincts on their answer. It seems like you have a serious lack of trust...for the men and for your own self. Something obviously very painful happened to you....

I must have missed that part.

[M30USA]

While i did not read every post you wrote, but the majority... The last few really stood out. I dont agree you should test any men. You should simply just ask and trust your instincts on their answer. It seems like you have a serious lack of trust...for the men and for your own self. Something obviously very painful happened to you....

I must have missed that part.

 

Lack of trust is definitely an issue. However, having to "test" a man is basically implying that she believes HER needs are more important than his and that SHE is the center of universe. She is willing to harass a man with drama just to find out if they suit her. He isn't a pair of jeans. He is a person of his own, with his own feelings and dreams.

[Roadkill007]

Many times I was so close to forgetting this already when I happen to bump into ''My bf hit me'' posts and them wondering if maybe the way they behave provoked the man to react that way.

 

Or seeing this post If you think its okay to hit a woman... - Page 19 - Bodybuilding.com Forums

 

The one that shocked me the most was one male poster saying that if he found out he raised another man's child, he would literally beat the woman to death. A man with not only violent but murdering urges!!!

 

 

Y'know what's even more crazy? Chimps. A new alpha sometimes eats a mother's baby in front of her just to get her hormones running again so they can mate. Not downplaying the example you're linking, but there ARE tons of really terrible things out there. Oh, btw, don't take anything that's said in that forum seriously. For your sanity.

 

 

 

and you can easily spot issues when you're not that deep in a relationship. See how he treats an overworked waiter at a crowded restaurant. See how he treats other women generally. See what his friends are like. Keep your senses about you, and most of the time you won't miss seeing the bullet for what it was.

[Els]

It's a possibility. The way he was posting in the past reminds me of how I've been feeling for a very long time towards some men and every thing having to do with avoiding a man that would hit me or do other violent things (I've been trying not to overgeneralize in my threads but at times I've been guilt of close to doing it... something would stop me in the end and I would use the word ''some or many'').

 

I'm not too concern about getting cheated on nor lied too. That's a deal-breaker too and it would be over too. But the ''hitting and violent trait'' is what I can't get past.

Yes and that would mean I have to start all over again with someone new.

 

Brb, I'm crying right now... guess I got kinda emotional. Never had this thing happened on a forum.

 

Sorry you had to go through all that in your life, OP.

 

I think in general, we have a much higher chance of being with healthy people if we don't throw all our baggage onto them. Y'know? Any decent guy who catches a whiff of your 'tests' is going to be gone so fast you won't catch his dust trail. The only guys who stay, are going to be the ones most likely to do that which you fear most. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I honestly don't think it's all that difficult to find a guy who doesn't get physically violent. That is the simplest, most baseline criteria you could require of a man, short of breathing and having male parts. What sort of guys do you associate with?

 

 

and you can easily spot issues when you're not that deep in a relationship. See how he treats an overworked waiter at a crowded restaurant. See how he treats other women generally. See what his friends are like. Keep your senses about you, and most of the time you won't miss seeing the bullet for what it was.

 

Very, very true. How he treats people whose pants he isn't trying to get into is a huge indicator. Obviously not the only one - how he treats you matters too - but if you suspect someone is just playing nice in the beginning, you want to watch out for all that.

[will1988]

Samsung your testing method is bat schidt crazy. Most guys hate crazy BTW! Maybe you need to seek professional advice. Trust me, if I ever dated someone who was purposefully trying to push my buttons just to see how much she could get away with, they would be kicking rocks faster than they could say "Crazy"! See Samsung, people like you are why most guys have problems understanding women to a degree. So you'd put some poor schlub through your testing spiel just to make sure they weren't like your exes. You know that could be classified as abuse too, right? You are taking advantage of someone, and purposely trying to mess with their emotions!

 

Please see a head shrinker right away!

[samsungxoxo]

Samsung your testing method is bat schidt crazy. Most guys hate crazy BTW! Maybe you need to seek professional advice. Trust me, if I ever dated someone who was purposefully trying to push my buttons just to see how much she could get away with, they would be kicking rocks faster than they could say "Crazy"! See Samsung, people like you are why most guys have problems understanding women to a degree. So you'd put some poor schlub through your testing spiel just to make sure they weren't like your exes. You know that could be classified as abuse too, right? You are taking advantage of someone, and purposely trying to mess with their emotions!

 

Please see a head shrinker right away!

I only had 1 ex but the break-up was over something different; getting string along which hurt me also. He never hit me.

 

My issue goes back to my father using his temper and getting physical. Apart from that it's what I always see on some movies, threads here or stories about abusive men and how they lack self-control so easily for just words a woman says.

 

No, I had no idea that was abuse too. Maybe I do need help. I guess I'm not ready for a relationship not much marriage.

[samsungxoxo]

Y'know what's even more crazy? Chimps. A new alpha sometimes eats a mother's baby in front of her just to get her hormones running again so they can mate. Not downplaying the example you're linking, but there ARE tons of really terrible things out there. Oh, btw, don't take anything that's said in that forum seriously. For your sanity.

 

 

 

and you can easily spot issues when you're not that deep in a relationship. See how he treats an overworked waiter at a crowded restaurant. See how he treats other women generally. See what his friends are like. Keep your senses about you, and most of the time you won't miss seeing the bullet for what it was.

Those chimps are the ones that make us more concerned to the point of being single for a while and give the good men a bad reputation.

 

Nothing but bad news on that Bodybuilding.com - Huge Online Supplement Store & Fitness Community! site

 

The first time I entered that site, I was truly shocked. I felt like they would eat me alive if I was there with them in person. I was never this scared before. As if they hate us and want to hurt us.

[pteromom]

Testing someone is a bad idea.

 

But EVALUATING them is a great idea. How do you do that? Look at their other relationships... with their parents, their extended family, their friends, their co-workers, their past romances. Someone with a healthy attitude will have mostly healthy relationships.

 

Someone with a poor temper and rage problems will have bad relationships and lots of stories about how everyone else did them wrong.

[Els]

Those chimps are the ones that make us more concerned to the point of being single for a while and give the good men a bad reputation.

 

Nothing but bad news on that Bodybuilding.com - Huge Online Supplement Store & Fitness Community! site

 

The first time I entered that site, I was truly shocked. I felt like they would eat me alive if I was there with them in person. I was never this scared before. As if they hate us and want to hurt us.

 

It's the steroids talking, a lot of the time. Steroids = increased aggression.

[samsungxoxo]

It's the steroids talking, a lot of the time. Steroids = increased aggression.

I hope so. Don't they realize we don't like that?

[blueskyday]

I know exactly what you mean. You're talking about keeping yourself safe. So many abusive men are charming and supportive at the beginning, only to show their mean streak when you feel safe and trusting. Then you are completely blindsided and confused.

 

I definitely watch new boyfriends carefully. Sorry to say, but, in my mind, they are possible jerks in disguise until proven otherwise. I don't give the benefit of the doubt until it's earned by my experience with them over time. For those of us who have been abused, we have believed a bad guy is a good guy because he seemed so nice upfront. So we are correcting that, possibly over correcting until we land somewhere in the middle of overtrusting and paranoid.

 

I watch guys carefully. Do they react with compassion and empathy when I'm upset? Do they get mad and defensive when they have done something to hurt me? Basically, I look at their ego vs their empathy, which are opposite things. I prefer a more humble guy. I stay away from selfish egocentric types. It just takes a while to evaluate, thats all.

 

A good dude stays a good dude. Time tells. Just watch and wait a few months.

[samsungxoxo]

I watch guys carefully. Do they react with compassion and empathy when I'm upset? Do they get mad and defensive when they have done something to hurt me? Basically, I look at their ego vs their empathy, which are opposite things. I prefer a more humble guy. I stay away from selfish egocentric types. It just takes a while to evaluate, thats all.

Yes, it'll take time.

A good dude stays a good dude. Time tells. Just watch and wait a few months.

True. As a kid, I would constantly remind myself that if he turns bad and violent even once then he's not worth even seconds of your time. I've kept that promise and will continue doing so.

 

Sadly, I went to youtube and checked out comments posted on a 15 year-old girl crushed with metal boots. I know, that was stupid of me and will now keep avoiding sites where that contends male posters stating how they will hurt a woman. I'm up to the point where unless it's a true self-defense case and not pure anger nor ''eye for an eye'', I don't care about the reasons he gives.

 

Here are two link I stupidly visited, which I felt sad for the girl:

15 Yr Old Josie Ratley's skull was crushed by Wayne Treacy - YouTube

 

On the first link, apparently the host disabled all comment but the second one shows all the disgusting comments from jerks.

[omit]

all this talk of testing, exactly what stage has he done enough? Do you know or have you felt security at all. This is not an attack just seems like he has to prove him self fair enough but do you know whens enough?

[samsungxoxo]

all this talk of testing, exactly what stage has he done enough? Do you know or have you felt security at all. This is not an attack just seems like he has to prove him self fair enough but do you know whens enough?

When I see he really doesn't have the ''snapping instinct'' some men do. He fails once and it's over.