Social anxiety - getting over it to improve relationships

[Dragonflys]

Hi everyone..

 

I have been thinking a lot about my behaviour in social situations and how I may be able to improve my confidence in myself. I this is obviously a key in forming strong relationships both at a romantic and friendship level. Certainly, I found Paulies post very though provoking..

 

I agree that confidence is a choice. What I have realised about myself in the last few months is that I should have every confidence in myself. I am a very good person and lead a full life. Its a matter now of expressing that..

 

The hurdle I find is that I need to think less inwardly. For whatever reason (maybe only child fallout), I think inwardly way too much - its like I am comforting, protecting and reassuring myself all the time. This stops me from experiencing all around me and being stimulated externally.

 

Now I am beginning to try and think outwardly more, what happens is that I get these incredible pangs of loneliness, much more so than I felt before!. So when I express myself, I sometimes want to stop smiling..its like I get fearful when I step outside my inner self.

 

Does this begin to subside with practise?. Geez, I felt 28 years like this and I don't want to any more...

 

Has anyone been here before?

 

Oliver

[Dominic]

I'm still there, I'm only twenty and I feel too that thinking this way has ruined my relationships. Twice in my life I have managed to pull myself out of it. Once when I started university, it was a new start for me, being surrounded by new people who had no expectations of me allowed me to flourish, but I let an ex-girlfriend drag me back down. The second time, my confidence buit up slowly, I just kept making the effort and eventually I got my head into the way of thinking where i was a confident outgoing person. Then I was assaulted and I just slid right back down again. Now I'm just trying to build it up again...slowly but surely and this time I refuse to let anyone else drag me back down.

[jamie]

oh boy can i ever ever relate to what you are saying! how ironic this post is, i could of wrote it myself. i am a 43 yr old female and i can't remember ever in my life living outside of my head or feeling relaxed, confident or fun around anyone unless i've known them for a very long time.

 

i never thought alot about it i never heard of social anxiety either unitl paxil came around and my boyfriend of two years had referred to me as anti social.

 

i was very hurt by his what he called well intended comments. well i got tired of being that way, i'd sit with people for hours at times and not have one word to contribute, i was sooooooooo busy inside my head analysing everything i wanted to say but by the time i would get brave enough to say something, the moment had passed and my contribution seemed out of sync with the new flow of conversation, that was how it always went.

 

well to try to make this shorter, i tried paxil. it helped but it killed my sex life so i quit it. i am now trying zoloft for obsessive thinking disorder, the dr. says it helps with anxiety as well, so i am giving it a try and maybe i wont obsess so much over what i want to say and just say it and be done with it and if no one likes it then phooey on them!

 

i just wanted you to know that you are not alone, if any of what i said you can relate then i'm happy, i was really happy to read your post cause i've never known ANYONE who even knows what the heck i'm talking about let understands it! keep at it tho, i'll tell you i tried and tried and it is a constant effort cause it is so habitual that you don't even know that you've fallen right back into your inward thinking.

 

it is a safe place tho and no one there can hurt you except the voices that tell you it's a safer place then "out there" in the real world, those voices are not your friend, don't listen to them, seriously, i'm not crazy and i think you'll probably know what i mean! good luck!.........jamie

Hi everyone.. I have been thinking a lot about my behaviour in social situations and how I may be able to improve my confidence in myself. I this is obviously a key in forming strong relationships both at a romantic and friendship level. Certainly, I found Paulies post very though provoking.. I agree that confidence is a choice. What I have realised about myself in the last few months is that I should have every confidence in myself. I am a very good person and lead a full life. Its a matter now of expressing that.. The hurdle I find is that I need to think less inwardly. For whatever reason (maybe only child fallout), I think inwardly way too much - its like I am comforting, protecting and reassuring myself all the time. This stops me from experiencing all around me and being stimulated externally.

 

Now I am beginning to try and think outwardly more, what happens is that I get these incredible pangs of loneliness, much more so than I felt before!. So when I express myself, I sometimes want to stop smiling..its like I get fearful when I step outside my inner self. Does this begin to subside with practise?. Geez, I felt 28 years like this and I don't want to any more... Has anyone been here before? Oliver

[Vikki]

Confidence as an adult is a choice. I do agree with that statement wholeheartedly.

 

Thinking inwardly is not the hurdle. At all. It all goes back to childhood and the beliefs you formed about yourself. Not everyone grows up to have an innate sense of high self-esteem or worthiness. In fact, most of us need to work at it to some degree throughout our life. I believe everyone feels insufficient in one or more ways - physically, intellectually, emotionally.....the list is endless. For people who feel insufficient in any area the only way to improve is to look inwardly, to make that part of you feel loved, perfect and complete. Respecting, nurturing, honouring and cherishing yourself is your birthright and something you can learn. You didn't get what you needed in childhood to make these bits of yourself feel OK, it's now your responsibility as an adult to give them the approval and love they missed out on.

 

What happens when you ignore that part of you and start focusing outwards is you disconnect for your inner self. You abandon this part of you that doesn't feel OK in social situations. Think of this part of you as a child, literally, imagine a smaller version of you hanging onto your leg, this part of you doesn't feel OK in social situations. The message that you send this part of yourself when you choose to ignore him is 'you're too much of a bother, if I focus on you I can't experience and enjoy what's happening around me, I don't want to think about you, you're not worthy of me paying any attention to you', hence the overwhelming feelings of loneliness, you've basically told this kid to go take a hike, so he does, you feel lonely as hell. You've literally abandonded this part of yourself that feels less than whole to start with.

 

If you reconnect with the kid, give him what he wants, to feel loved and OK he'll feel great, he'll let you be all that you want to be.

 

Only when you have successfully mastered taking care of your own needs can you know how to extend that same attention to others. Loving yourself means actively caring for every facet of yourself.

 

Geez I've raved on enough to put a zen master to sleep LOL.

 

It works, really. Reconnect, make the little one feel OK, he'll reward you beyond your beliefs :-) Does any of this make any sense? LOL

 

Warm Hugs

[Dragonflys]

I read all your posts

 

Vicki, I agree that my inner, emotional self needs to be nurtured, and I am very in touch with that part of myself. its a very comfortable sanctuary indeed but there comes a time when you stop listening to your self (i.e. the logical self talking to the emotional self). Thats when I feel isolated.

 

This whole episode I believe comes from loneliness as a child. My first complaint to my mother was at 4 when I begged her to give me a brother or sister. I became inward because I had to entertain myself..so when I started school the other kids saw me as vague..so I lost confidence there. This lack of confidence has stayed with me until today, even despite spending years being in social situations such as regular nights out in pubs and clubs and working in a busy cafe. I was never anti-social, I had friends, but I was at the tail end of social groups. This always bugged me because I knew that I was OK - no-one has managed to put my inner self down. But the bottom line is when you have less to say, don't remember stories and events as well as others, you become known as less social and less popular.

 

Funny, my sense of humour revolves around playing with words and using amusing phrases (which I play with in my head) rather than telling stories..

 

In terms of developing relationships, it has caused me problems because I always found that moment trying to impress someone I am attracted to nerve wracking. Thats when I get out of my head, which causes me some anxiety and I lose some of that confidence. So I end up making lots of good female friends over time, but lose that romantic attraction that seems to come with confidence early.

 

But I have come a ways, and may be getting better. I feel the only way is to work through that anxiety and face it rather than run back into my shell all the time. My inner self has to toughen a little.

 

But I would love additional comments from experience...

[Vikki]

Ya OK, I gotsya. I used to be at the tail end of social groups (still am, LOL), took me a long time to just accept that I didn't need to have a zillion acquantances, my phone ringing constantly to feel OK about myself. It was tough cause I kept thinking 'what's wrong with me, why don't people just gravitate to me' like I saw them gravitate to other friends. Then I just realised I prefer to have real friends, if that means only a handful of people who I love and trust and they me then so be it. I was a loner at school too.

 

You sound like you know what you are doing, Bravo! An aware male, I'm proud of you, where do you live? hehehehe.

 

I'm a bit unsure as to what you mean when it comes to the relationships bit though. I understand feeling nervous about making the right impression when it comes to someone you are attracted. What happens next? You get scared to make the next move romatically, as in the physical stuff?

 

Why? Please explain as I would like to understand this.

 

Cheers Scot, Warm Hugs

 

I read all your posts Vicki, I agree that my inner, emotional self needs to be nurtured, and I am very in touch with that part of myself. its a very comfortable sanctuary indeed but there comes a time when you stop listening to your self (i.e. the logical self talking to the emotional self). Thats when I feel isolated.

 

This whole episode I believe comes from loneliness as a child. My first complaint to my mother was at 4 when I begged her to give me a brother or sister. I became inward because I had to entertain myself..so when I started school the other kids saw me as vague..so I lost confidence there. This lack of confidence has stayed with me until today, even despite spending years being in social situations such as regular nights out in pubs and clubs and working in a busy cafe. I was never anti-social, I had friends, but I was at the tail end of social groups. This always bugged me because I knew that I was OK - no-one has managed to put my inner self down. But the bottom line is when you have less to say, don't remember stories and events as well as others, you become known as less social and less popular. Funny, my sense of humour revolves around playing with words and using amusing phrases (which I play with in my head) rather than telling stories..

 

In terms of developing relationships, it has caused me problems because I always found that moment trying to impress someone I am attracted to nerve wracking. Thats when I get out of my head, which causes me some anxiety and I lose some of that confidence. So I end up making lots of good female friends over time, but lose that romantic attraction that seems to come with confidence early. But I have come a ways, and may be getting better. I feel the only way is to work through that anxiety and face it rather than run back into my shell all the time. My inner self has to toughen a little. But I would love additional comments from experience...