I would appreciate your perspective on a delicate friendship

[Nerd47]

Greetings! It's good to meet you all; I hope some of you out there share some of the same concerns I do, and are willing to discuss them openly. I've rarely attempted to discuss elements of my personal life online, but there's a first time for everything. I look forward to sharing our ideas (please forgive me if I get wordy at times).

 

My current situation involves a old friend from high school. To better explain, let me first give you some background. She and I met in our senior year, and shared several things in common (both interested in singing, both came from homes with divorced parents, etc.). She often needed an ear to listen to her personal problems, and I was happy to oblige. In return, she seemed to show a similar degree of attentiveness to my problems. It was a simple, yet solid basis (so I though, at least) for a friendship, though we never acknowledged that to eachother in so many words. You could say we had an understanding, and it gave me encouragement at a time when I had very low self-esteem.

 

Talking with her gradually began to help me talk with others more easily, and as a result, my senior year was the most enjoyable of my time in high school (no small feat considering my dismal experiences up to that point). She helped me loosen up, really, so much so that I felt emboldened to ask her to the Christmas Dance that year. I thought she was cute, and it would be my first chance to spend some time with her apart from school. I had never had the courage to even ask a girl out before, but I felt comfortable enough around her to risk it this time. I suppose I had a crush on her, but I was determined not to make her feel uncomfortable, since we were friends and I wanted to remain a friend to her above all. This notwithstanding, I asked but she didn't give me an answer right away, saying she would have to get permission from her mother. Her mother would not allow her to go to the dance, but I was okay with that. For one reason or another (I was never totally clear on this) we gradually we began to drift apart. We never saw eachother much to begin with (only had two classes together). She seemed to eventually get involved with another guy, and I lacked the confidence to approach her again after that. I thought I had seen the last of her, and regretted it, though I think my own shyness was largely to blame.

 

Flash forward about five years. I had gotten some mail from my old school, updating us on reunions or some such thing, and my mind began to wonder and I thought about this girl once more. I had often wondered what became of her: was she doing well, had she stayed with the guy I saw her with, were her family problems still an issue, and so on. I dug around for her phone number, and plucked the courage up to give her a call. She answered, and after a minute or so, she did remember me, and from what little I could tell from her voice, it was a good memory. She now had two kids by a man who was no longer with her (whether it was the same guy from high shcool, I don't know), and was now involved with yet another guy. We had a long talk, like we used to, and it ended with me saying that I hoped I could call again. She agreed, and that was that. It seemed a pleasant interlude, nothing more, and I also was wary of intruding on her new relationship.

 

Then, a couple months later, I run into her at the local college. I think she found out that I was rehearsing a play there, and knew I was coming to the campus that night (her boyfriend had also participated in a play there in the past), and was waiting at the door (whether she was waiting for me, I don't know). She looked even more lovely than I remembered, though it had been years since we had seen eachother. It turns out she was taking some classes there, and also mentioned that her relationship had deteriorated to the point where her boyfriend had hit her and was now under a restraining order. She had not seen him for several days, though he had called a few times, apparently still obsessed with her. This guy had also threatened her children and she had finally had enough. I was shocked, but she seemed pretty calm and lucid about the whole ordeal; she didn't seem to be conflicted over this guy. At any rate, we also talked about our school activities, and it seemed like old times. I was disturbed by the idea that someone had abused her, but thought it best not to press the matter further. As we parted, she asked me to call her again. I decided to do just that the next day, if only to ensure that she had arrived home safely, without running into her ex.

 

On the phone, we talked about work, her ex, school, life in general, and just to hear her voice again did me good. I must have waited about an hour over the line while she attended to her baby daughter, and she was pleasantly surprised that I had waited that long. She was about to leave her job, and was looking for a new one; I offered to put in a good word with a guy I've worked for. She was grateful for that, as taking care of two kids was getting more difficult. We ended the conversation saying that we would talk to and see eachother again (her class and my rehearsal fall on some of the same nights). I found myself looking forward to our next meeting with indescribable joy. Why? For one thing, to talk again, like we used to. But also to see her smiling face, and know she was alright. I care for her very much, but herein lies my dilemma.

 

I think I am in love with this girl, but I am very uncertain about many things. What I am certain of is that I want to be a friend to her. I am also certain that I want to do what's right for both of us. What do you make of our situation? Thanks for your ear, by the way...

[Papillon]

This girl is not the same person you knew. She's not. I believe you are clutching at memories...not the current reality. Realise that and deal with that first. You should take it from there.

[Maria46]

Be her friend right now. Everyone needs good friends. After some time, and after she gets her life straightened out, talk about moving to a different level. Maybe after you spend more time with her, you might decide you aren't interested in a relationship.

 

My bf and I were best friends for so long before we got involved. We have a great relationship together. We already knew each others past (and baggage) and can talk about anything with each other.

 

One thing I noticed about your post and I want to comment on it. You talk about her abusive boyfriend. You cannot protect her from this man and you cannot keep her from going back to him. She needs to do this herself. She seems to need a self esteem boost and know that she does not have to take the abuse and her children do not need to see it happen either. Go to a book store and pick up a book or two for her to read. She needs to know that she is not alone. She needs to know how much strength and courage it takes to get out of that relationship. Encourage her to seek counseling. Encourage her to visit a battered women's shelter and talk to some of the women there. It is an eye opener. It took my ex bf's death, (drunk driving car wreck) to get me out of the abusive relationship I was in years ago. It is so very hard with low self esteem.

 

I hope for the best for your friend. Give her a big hug from me.

 

My thoughts are with you both!!

[Nerd47]

Originally posted by Maria46

Be her friend right now. Everyone needs good friends. After some time, and after she gets her life straightened out, talk about moving to a different level. Maybe after you spend more time with her, you might decide you aren't interested in a relationship.

 

My bf and I were best friends for so long before we got involved. We have a great relationship together. We already knew each others past (and baggage) and can talk about anything with each other.

 

One thing I noticed about your post and I want to comment on it. You talk about her abusive boyfriend. You cannot protect her from this man and you cannot keep her from going back to him. She needs to do this herself. She seems to need a self esteem boost and know that she does not have to take the abuse and her children do not need to see it happen either. Go to a book store and pick up a book or two for her to read. She needs to know that she is not alone. She needs to know how much strength and courage it takes to get out of that relationship. Encourage her to seek counseling. Encourage her to visit a battered women's shelter and talk to some of the women there. It is an eye opener. It took my ex bf's death, (drunk driving car wreck) to get me out of the abusive relationship I was in years ago. It is so very hard with low self esteem.

 

I hope for the best for your friend. Give her a big hug from me.

 

My thoughts are with you both!!

 

Thanks for your comments; they've helped me concentrate on what's really important here. My friend seems to be taking this unfortunate turn of events with remarkable courage, I have to say. She truly seems to realize that this man she once trusted is no longer deserving of that trust, and I'm sure that can't be an easy thing to realize. I only wish she had drawn the line before it came to this, but...wishing does not make it so.

 

I do sense that her self-esteem is low, and that she feels like her problems have begun to bury her. She puts up a brave front, but I can nonetheless read the uncertainty in her voice. Her friendship once inspired much confidence in me; it seems only right that I help her gain confidence in return. As you put it, I cannot protect her, and I know it's probably counterproductive to try. I suppose one of my weaknesses is that I run around trying to solve everyone's problems. I must take a step back, recognize my role in all this, and act appropriately. I wasn't quite sure where to begin at first, but your ideas seem to be sensible ones. It's a new experience for me, but I will do my best to be a friend.

[Maria46]

Keep us posted!!!