My xMM looks ugly?!

[BrokenPrincess]

Saw a picture of xMM today online and my first thought was "Wow he looks OLD." And then, "his eyes look so tired & puffy. Is he even attractive?"

 

Then I felt bad (??) for even having those thoughts because this was someone that always gave me an immediate feeling of warmth & happiness and I shared a lot with him. I cared for him so much and admired so many things about him.

 

But today I just felt full of negativity after seeing that picture. I felt annoyed thinking of all the times he'd point out that someone thought he was 10 years younger than he is. I felt annoyed that he would hint at feeling under-appreciated. That evolved into me just feeling pissed.

 

And now I'm really confused at my borderline disgust for him. I don't think there is one person IRL that would ever even remotely describe him in a negative way, so I have to believe this is all in my head. Am I re-writing my xMM into an unappealing ********* to lessen the hurt??

 

Is this just a low part of the healing roller coaster and i'll feel fondly about him again on the upswing? Its only been 2 weeks NC (feels like 2 months!) Has anyone else felt like this after your A ended?

[Praying4Peace]

Yes. I believe in breaking NC (not by talking, but sometimes looking) so that I can delete those last 'romantic' images of the end.

 

Saw a family pic up on his page that he was tagged in. He looked...not good. Weight gain, bad hair day and gray rings under the eyes. He didn't look happy. I'm sure its bc his W is not happy yet...its been 5 months NC.

 

I think I just miss the memory of how it was. Later, on my rollercoaster, I wondered if he was okay and healthy and happy. Then I realized that thats not my f---cking problem anymore. He made the choice, and now he's her problem.

[spice4life]

Saw a picture of xMM today online and my first thought was "Wow he looks OLD." And then, "his eyes look so tired & puffy. Is he even attractive?"

 

Then I felt bad (??) for even having those thoughts because this was someone that always gave me an immediate feeling of warmth & happiness and I shared a lot with him. I cared for him so much and admired so many things about him.

 

But today I just felt full of negativity after seeing that picture. I felt annoyed thinking of all the times he'd point out that someone thought he was 10 years younger than he is. I felt annoyed that he would hint at feeling under-appreciated. That evolved into me just feeling pissed.

 

And now I'm really confused at my borderline disgust for him. I don't think there is one person IRL that would ever even remotely describe him in a negative way, so I have to believe this is all in my head. Am I re-writing my xMM into an unappealing ********* to lessen the hurt??

 

Is this just a low part of the healing roller coaster and i'll feel fondly about him again on the upswing? Its only been 2 weeks NC (feels like 2 months!) Has anyone else felt like this after your A ended?

 

Hey, what ever it takes to get you through right? You've seen the dark side of him though. You know he is capable of deceiving those he is suppose to care the most about. It's perfectly fine to view him in this light. Use it to help you through the grieving process!

[scatterd]

As the saying goes Love is blind. It could be that you are seeing him in different way. Sometimes a person can look better if you see them from the inside. You saw a ugly part of him inside which reflects to the out side. You can put two men together one good looking and the other not as good looking have you ever noticed that after talking to both the not so good looking guy got cuter and the one that was good looking got less attractive because of personality? You lost that loving feeling oh that loving feeling its gone, gone, gone.

[chaser0195]

I've been there with exes before. It just told me that attraction for that person had waned. It's all part of moving on. I've looked at exes and thought why did I ever find him sooo attractive?

Edited May 18, 2013 by chaser0195

[RickFox]

Yes. I believe in breaking NC (not by talking, but sometimes looking) so that I can delete those last 'romantic' images of the end.

 

Saw a family pic up on his page that he was tagged in. He looked...not good. Weight gain, bad hair day and gray rings under the eyes. He didn't look happy. I'm sure its bc his W is not happy yet...its been 5 months NC.

 

I think I just miss the memory of how it was. Later, on my rollercoaster, I wondered if he was okay and healthy and happy. Then I realized that thats not my f---cking problem anymore. He made the choice, and now he's her problem.

 

After my A ended, when I saw her again, xmw looked chunkified, not sleek and lean and oh so hot. She was dressed frumpy and not sexy and I said, "I went for that?" I had friends tell me she wasn't all that but to me, during the A, that byotch was rocking it! LOL.

 

Anywho, I look at her now, and while I see that she is attractive, she's not as hot as when I had her on the pedestal and I'm sure she looks at me and says, WTF was I thinking.

 

It goes both ways and yes, we will do whatever we can to minimize the pain and hurt by rewriting it however we want. It's our minds way of protecting us.

[Praying4Peace]

Part of the unattractiveness I saw was how he was standing with his W and kids. He looked like a bad, weak, cake eating person. He wasn't true to her and he wasn't true to me. But then, sometimes I still care but only if he still cares and blah blah blah...

[who_am_i]

...and I have the absolute opposite reaction when I see photos of him.

 

I still think...damn, he's sexy as hell. Physically I'd hop back into the sack with him in a minute. However, I would NEVER want to be involved in any relationship with him. The outside is awesome while the inside is rotten!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Funny you say that. I haven't looked at anything for quite awhile yet, but I had seen pics of him off and on - most of them would be what I would call "photo ops". They didn't look happy, they looked staged. There were no pics where I would say "he is generally enjoying himself and happy" except maybe one or two with his guitar.

 

However I had noticed he had gained weight and looked older. Mind you, I am older than he is and I have to say I still look pretty good. I have worked hard to stay in shape and actually lose weight since this whole debacle. So I know when (or if) he sees pics of me he is not thinking "what was I thinking?" - at least not from a looks standpoint.

 

there is some satisfaction in that for me, I hate to say.

[DelusionalOne]

Ouch... I would be really hurt if my xMM said these things about me

 

I did go digging for a photo though... I am sad to report that his smile this melts my heart. And this is why I stay NC... I am weak.

[Praying4Peace]

When I see pics of him from during the A (these arent pics that I took or that I was in) he looks different. Sparkle in his eye. Can't help but kiss those pics like a fool.

 

I guess what I saw in the new pic was how "staged" it looked. At first I wanted to think that he looked so strained and sad bc we aren't together. But I know it's more about him being sad bc he broke his life/marriage and is uncomfortable.

 

I'll always be physically attracted to him. He's also only in mid thirties and we are the exact same age.

[sharingourconnection]

I am a little over 2 weeks NC, and I'm somewhere in the middle. I still look at pictures of him and feel overwhelming love. However, I have tried and tried to make list of all of his negative qualities, physically and otherwise. I know what they are. I can see them. But they don't matter. It doesn't make one bit of difference in how much I love him.

[loredo21]

I have to agree with you on this one. I've seen pics of exMOM post A and he looked not so great. What once was a very handsome man is now a fatter, scruffy, balding, rough looking man in glasses. At 30. All I could still find attractive in anyone else but he just looks...sad. He and his W had pro photos taken literally weeks after D-day and they were soooo forced and staged. and again...sad. I feel bad for the poor guy, and his poor W. I on the other hand make sure I am always looking fly when I step out of the house (what with all the running into him I seem to do) and in every pic I post (since both I am sure still look at my social media)...This may sound really mean but he now is looking just about in his wife's league. Just being honest, she was not attractive at all. I always wondered how the hell she landed him. Now upon discovering what a douche he actually is I think she could probably do wayyyy better.

[BrokenPrincess]

When I see pics of him from during the A (these arent pics that I took or that I was in) he looks different. Sparkle in his eye. Can't help but kiss those pics like a fool.

 

That's exactly what struck me was his eyes...one of my favorite physical features of his. They'd sparkle when he smiled, twinkle when he was teasing, crinkle when he laughed. I loved to kiss those crinkles on his eyes, they warmed my heart.

 

But today when I saw the picture (which was a kind of goofy shot someone posted of him), his eyes just looked flat despite his smile. The laugh lines just looked like wrinkles and he looked tired. Maybe it was a fluke, but I felt like I don't even know those eyes.

[bellasue]

I have only seen xMM once shortly after dday. His eyes, which are blue as the ocean had a sadness to them I have never seen. Almost a flatness when they used to sparkle. He looked older and tired. Granted, it was after dday.

[ilovedhim]

Mine also looked gross. After a year NC (on my end) I decided to take a peek. He's balding, heavier with a pot belly and looks miserable. Revenge couldn't be sweeter.

[stevie_23]

I've experienced a bit of this too, and it's normal and ok. It's a GOOD sign of progress.

 

I saw a photo of my ex-MM a few months ago, and was slightly surprised by the fact he looked a bit...different. A bit older. Tired. On the surface of course I knew he looked exactly the same, but...inside my head he just looked different.

 

I contemplated this for a while and then decided it was a good thing.

 

When we're in love, we DO have rose coloured glasses on, even if we think we took them off ages ago. We assign various emotions to our partners that are positive, and we KNOW them. They're with US. They're OUR'S. It's like we develop this imprint on our brains that says THIS is my person.

 

And so later on when things are over and it's been a while...and you see them, you see MORE than what you used to see. Sometimes you can't see what you used to see at all...sometimes you still can and so to get this NEW and different information is a bit confusing and can be unsettling...

 

It's also related to the distancing process. You and him are not a unit anymore and so you're no longer seeing in HIS eyes his love for YOU. Whenever we look into someone's eyes we see things, and many of those things are projected FROM us to them. If you look at a picture of a guy in a magazine article about someone being murdered by someone else, if you don't know who the guy in the photo is (meaning you don't know if he's the murderer or the victim), and you look in his eyes, often you can imagine he is BOTH people. And once you know which one he is, his eyes either look kind and innocent (victim) or you can see anger, evil and weirdness in the eyes (murderer). But really, it's your projected perception a lot of the time. And it's the same with a partner / ex-partner.

 

The eyes will be the one part of their face that looks the most different once you start the distancing process. Because you're not projecting your own feelings and attachments and that couple-unit onto him anymore.

 

But it's good to see him in whatever way you do. It's a natural progression in not just the moving forward process, but also the broadening your mind process.

 

You don't have to wonder if right now you're feeling negatively about him and one day you won't. It doesn't matter. However you feel about him, that's right for you at the moment. Just let it come...acknowledge the feelings, try to understand what they mean to you, and just keep in mind that you're still you...how he looks or what he's doing doesn't change you.

Edited May 19, 2013 by stevie_23

[veryhappy]

The affair blinders are off. You are seeing the real him not the person you felt could walk in water. These married men who prey on younger single women are not as attractive in the light of day. They are sad old men afraid of growing old so they hang on tight to youth. Breaks my heart for the women that don't know any better.

 

You know she's married with kids, right? Some of us just wanted to eat cake too and our emotions got us to a different place.

 

Maybe you could check the story before slapping some generalization that doesn't apply.

[MissBee]

I felt the same with one of my exes the last time I saw him.

 

We broke up and had fake NC and I spent copious amounts of time waiting for him to get himself together and trying to make things work and believing I'd only be happy once we were together. After all that, and after the fog of the post-breakup insanity cleared, I remember we met up and suddenly it was like whatever magic dust which made me think the sun rose and set around him was gone and I started noticing more of his flaws.

 

Normally when we would hang out I would be so attracted to him and it would be hard for me to be platonic, but that last time, I remember I had no such feelings. I remember not liking what he was wearing and also thinking, you have food in your teeth lol and other petty things. All of a sudden he was a normal person and not as great as the pedestal I had put him on had led me to believe. Then that was that. That was the last we saw each other and from that day I was able to go into NC for real with little conflict and was able to move on.

 

It's a good sign and a step closer to healing. I think sometimes in a break up your mind replays the good times over and over and puts this person on a pedestal making it hard to move on and many people feel like no other person can compare to this person, so it's good when they come down to earth and it's also normal IME to feel a bit of disillusionment, I think this really helps you with letting go of fantasies and realizing you can move on because they aren't the greatest thing since.

Edited May 19, 2013 by MissBee

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Most of us do not "model" for a living and therefore cannot pretend or depict things in pictures that are not true. Unless you are an actor and this is your job, we cannot really hide what is going on in our lives.

 

As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words - and it is. They do not lie. You can tell so much about what is going on with a person just in seeing a picture.

 

it is funny, the last I saw (and it has been quite a long time) there were still pics up on his social media of him that were either pre-affair or during and he is definitely happy and a spark in his eye etc. The ones post affair are not like that at all. The family pics and the pics of both of them were all staged and he looks sad. There were ones where he was drinking in a pub or something and when alcohol was involved he appeared to be happy. Unfortunately she looked like she had gained weight and was sloppily dressed and looked depressed. Pictures are a very good indication of what is happening in someone's life.

 

However, this I will say. I have enough of a theater background and in general I am very cognizant of what I am wearing and how I look when I leave the house (except when I exercise - lol) so I usually am absolutely making sure I look good no matter how I feel inside. I also am very strict about what I allow people to post of me online. I do not have a fb page (I don't like fb at all), but I am pretty adamant about making sure people don't post random pics of me online. I was at a bachelorette party a few weeks ago and I made sure nothing of me got posted on anyone's fb wall.

 

Obviously I can't control everything, but what I do have online of me particularly is very good. And I want it to stay that way - haha.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dont think anyone can draw too much of a conclusion from a single photograph. I mean, really, you could be a supermodel and be caught in a bad shot. We all have seen pictures of ourselves and say, OMG, is that me? Gross!...But I do get the point..It might be a defense/protection mechanism...Who knows? The human brain is very complex.

 

On that note, I recently did the unthinkable and decided to take a look at the exAP's FB page. She posts pics up constantly, I had seen close to maybe 50 pics she posted in the last 6 months when it ended. You can see the change. She looks like she gradually put on 30 pounds! Her face is now cherubic, her calves are much bigger and she is definitely wider in the middle. and she wears no or very little makeup. And also no more tight jeans, high heels, and tight tops. She's gone from hot and sexy to frumpy and dowdy..

 

She almost looks like a different person. She does look content though...and I still miss her, although I am also feeling kinda good for her that she is happy and content. If we werent meant to be, then I wish her well....I really do...

 

TFY

[Lostinlife4now]

Saw a picture of xMM today online and my first thought was "Wow he looks OLD." And then, "his eyes look so tired & puffy. Is he even attractive?"

 

Then I felt bad (??) for even having those thoughts because this was someone that always gave me an immediate feeling of warmth & happiness and I shared a lot with him. I cared for him so much and admired so many things about him.

 

But today I just felt full of negativity after seeing that picture. I felt annoyed thinking of all the times he'd point out that someone thought he was 10 years younger than he is. I felt annoyed that he would hint at feeling under-appreciated. That evolved into me just feeling pissed.

 

And now I'm really confused at my borderline disgust for him. I don't think there is one person IRL that would ever even remotely describe him in a negative way, so I have to believe this is all in my head. Am I re-writing my xMM into an unappealing ********* to lessen the hurt??

 

Is this just a low part of the healing roller coaster and i'll feel fondly about him again on the upswing? Its only been 2 weeks NC (feels like 2 months!) Has anyone else felt like this after your A ended?

 

 

Ahhhhh Broken.....

 

You are entering the "Land of Indifference"! And like I have said many times before...It is a lovely place to be.

 

I haven't seen a pic or xMM in over 2 years....He doesn't do facebook, won't allow his wife to be on facebook...HE thinks it's so bad to have a facebook account. ASS.......

 

But....I think he is UGLY in every sense of the word. I think he is pathetic, a joke. a very small person.

 

He tells himself that he is a "Fantastic Father", and I laugh in his face. How can you be a great father when you cheated for 8 years on their mother?

 

I used to be so in love with the dude....now I wouldn't give him the time of day. He is so full of himself it makes me throw up in my mouth....Jus sayin...

 

Hugs.......