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So hurt but seriously considering divorce.


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As i have posted in other threads my main issue is my mother in law. I can't take one more day, i love my husband but our marriage is falling appart we are arguing a lot about his mother and it does not stop. I seriously am considering a divorce i can't take it anymore i feel like my opinion does not matter only my mother in laws and she says what goes and my husband doesn't see her for what she is. I want a divorce so bad but am alone far far away in another country by myself and only with my husband. I have no money only a small savings (which he wants access to and i try to avoid this) (his mother keeps asking for money every time every 2 3 weeks or more (long story)) I have been trying to get in to school to get a career asap but transportation is hell hard but i just got a car (old but paid off and it works beautifully) but i need to wait 3 months to get it and until then i can not go to school.

 

How can i get on my feet? Any advice on how i can get my things together on my own by myself? I want to leave but i have nowhere to go and i dare not go home i love my parents so much and would feel better if i went back to their house with at least a career until i find a job and what not i would dare not live off them due to my own personal issues i wouldnt feel it is unfair to them.

 

Should i suck it up until i finish school then leave? i feel this is my best option but am not sure any advice? I am scared to leave because i dont have anything but a small savings of $1,000 and a used paid off car (which i am highly thankful for) but i really want a career so i can make it on my own but i dont know what to do.

Edited by ceres12
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i dare not go home i love my parents so much and would feel better if i went back to their house with at least a career until i find a job and what not i would dare not live off them due to my own personal issues i wouldnt feel it is unfair to them.

 

Should i suck it up until i finish school then leave? i feel this is my best option but am not sure any advice?

Good and bad choices are relative as sometimes we're limited to selecting the best of several challenging options. If your marriage situation is truly unbearable, I'd go back and stay with your parents. You can always work and contribute to expenses while you're there. Helping you out in those tough situations is what families do...

 

Mr. Lucky

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TaraMaiden

Run it by your parents; see what they would say.

If I 'know' parents, the first thing they will say to you is "Come home."

 

Once you get home plan a strategy.

 

Remember your choices have consequences; Near, mid-term and far off.

 

But the thing to do now, is to alleviate your sadness, pain and frustration, and get to a place where you can think straight.

 

You're in a different country to your home country.....

Is this neighbouring (could you drive) or do you have to fly?

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UpwardForward

My grown children have always been welcome at my house, and should their accommodations become unaffordable, etc. they would be welcome to come home.

 

But when people are married or even in a R, I would encourage them to work out their problems. He's not abusing you.

 

OP, Mother in law (and her husband) shouldn't be hitting their son up for money. But you don't seem to have a financial interest/investment in the M at this time, nor have you been married for very long.

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I feel kind of embarrassed to approach my parents about my marriage issues specially surrounding my mother in law. But i know for a fact 150% that my parents wouldnt even think about it twice and won't even let me finish the sentence without saying "just come home, or i'll travel whatever i need to come get you". Tara maiden i would have to fly over 24 hours to get to my hometown. I am normally from the US and i live in Asia right now so yea :( flights are extremely expensive! I have that small slowly increasing savings in case things escalate i can buy the ticket home.

 

 

UpwardForward: we have talked a lot and he does not listen to me he only listens to what his mother says. There is no savings in our marriage we have absolutely no money in savings i dont see how we are even going to buy a home or build a family when financially is unstable (job and paychecks are great but the spending is not) and on top of that his mother asks for money non stop this month alone in a matter of 2-3 weeks she asked money twice! just to give you an idea. He doesn't understand that we have priorities first and then take care of the rest he just feels his duty is to give everything to his mom.

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UpwardForward

question deleted (answered on other thread)

Edited by UpwardForward
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TaraMaiden
I feel kind of embarrassed to approach my parents about my marriage issues specially surrounding my mother in law. But i know for a fact 150% that my parents wouldnt even think about it twice and won't even let me finish the sentence without saying "just come home, or i'll travel whatever i need to come get you". Tara maiden i would have to fly over 24 hours to get to my hometown. I am normally from the US and i live in Asia right now so yea :( flights are extremely expensive! I have that small slowly increasing savings in case things escalate i can buy the ticket home.

 

I hate to point this out to you, but I think you need to forget 'embarrassment' in the great scheme of things - this is not time to be 'kind of embarrassed'.

 

I think you need to put your head down, concentrate on your schooling, try to not argue with your H, but make some solid contingency plans.

 

Asia's a big place. so I'm not sure whether you mean Indo-Asia or Sino-Asia - but the solid fact is, that family is sacrosanct in many Asian zones, and parents always come first: Children in some cultures are taught that Parental respect is of paramount importance, and that children are beholden to their parents.... but this sounds as if it has got seriously out of hand. This sounds outrageously extreme....

 

Is there anywhere you can move out to, while you're there?

 

 

If there is no means of a 'half-way' measure, then I think the decision is going to have to come down to a stark, black-and-white level:

 

Stay - or go.

 

Consider speaking to someone in the American Consulate.... ask for advice.

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Thank you TaraMaiden:

 

My husband is also from the US not from Asia, we just got stationed here he is military. I agree with what you said about putting my head down concentrate on schooling and try at all costs to avoid any more fights with my husband. I need to be smart and i have no where to go so school is my best option so that i can be able to get up on my own two feet.

 

Our relationship is really really rough right now it has gotten very badly. I fear he might even kick me out of the house, he mentioned something in a choice of words of this sort. am worried.

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TaraMaiden
Thank you TaraMaiden:

 

My husband is also from the US not from Asia, we just got stationed here he is military. I agree with what you said about putting my head down concentrate on schooling and try at all costs to avoid any more fights with my husband. I need to be smart and i have no where to go so school is my best option so that i can be able to get up on my own two feet.

 

Our relationship is really really rough right now it has gotten very badly. I fear he might even kick me out of the house, he mentioned something in a choice of words of this sort. am worried.

 

OK. Well if he tries to throw you out, can you seek assistance from the military authorities? As a military wife you surely would be afforded some kind of support..... For now, try to cool it and focus on you. And move/transfer that money to a better interest account.....Keep its whereabouts and means of accessing it, secret....

 

Try to remain calm and level-headed and if he asks for the money, just respond as briefly as possible. Just say 'no' and if he didn't keep giving money to his mother, he wouldn't need to keep asking for it.

If he says that's who it's for, just say nothing.

What rank is he, BTW.....?

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Wait...you and your husband are Americans, and living in Asia due to his current military posting, his mother lives in the US thousands of miles from you, and she is still interfering so badly in your marriage that it makes you want to leave a husband you love?

 

I would say that it is incredibly hard for following military spouses to have a stable education or career anywhere, but 100x more so when the posting is on a completely different continent. Can you even get a work permit? Can you find affordable education in a language you understand, that will provide skills and a credential transferable anywhere you may live? Are you assured of a long-enough posting to complete a degree program? Did you consider these questions before marriage?

 

I'm agreeing with many others, that the parents back home are looking mighty good right now.... Whatever you do, hang on to your savings, do not give them to your MIL.

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SoleMate: Ofcourse i considered all these before marriage, and there are universities i can attend to specially on base american ones. The plan is not to stay here, i want a career an education to complete and then move back to the US and seek work there and start fresh on my own instead of staying in a foreign country by myself with absolutely nothing. Yes, my mother in law is miles and miles away and is horribly interfering in our marriage i can't imagine living close to this woman. Which my husband is wanting to move back to the states and this is great but i can't picture living anywhere close with this woman it would be a complete disaster. If she is destroyng us miles away imagine living 5 minutes away from her i would just kill myself(figure of speech). I am already fed up, i have known my husband for over 8 years and this has never changed, his mother does as she pleases with my husband and he lets her use him as her puppet so am done i love him very much but his mother is just horribly selfish and i can't have a family nor our own home when she takes every cent we have thats just never going to help us flourish as a marriage alone and this is never going to change. Every time my husband mentions anything about my savings i try to avoid the subject.

 

TaraMaiden: Yes military can help with many things but all the same jeopardize his military career they dont take issues lightly and ofcourse if matters get worse i refuse to be out in the street specially due to mother in law's selfish financial needs. I will just try my best to get on with school and do something while i can and then go back to the US.

Edited by ceres12
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UpwardForward

I agree with those who have said: continue to keep that of finishing your education, a priority. .

 

Concentrate wholeheartedly on your education, so you can strive toward financial security/independence.

 

Unfortunately there are no guarantees in marriage, especially in these times.

 

Try not to get your husband too fired up in the meantime. Things could get out of hand. Should he again say anything regarding your leaving, don't mention a back up plan of seeking sanctuary w help of military.

 

Try to look forward - instead of what's going on around you.

Edited by UpwardForward
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upwardforward: Thank you, i agree in marriage there is no guarantee that things will work out, no matter how much planning out you do sometimes it is just that more complicated. Fights are getting worse, things were broken and now he grabbed me by my throat and almost slapped me, he pushed me around and everything. I can't take it i want out and i am not the one to put up with hitting. I am done.

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stillafool

Move back to the states with your parents and get into school there. There's no point in your being where you are so stop prolonging the misery. Call your parents.

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UpwardForward
upwardforward: Thank you, i agree in marriage there is no guarantee that things will work out, no matter how much planning out you do sometimes it is just that more complicated. Fights are getting worse, things were broken and now he grabbed me by my throat and almost slapped me, he pushed me around and everything. I can't take it i want out and i am not the one to put up with hitting. I am done.

 

Yes, it's time to move home. And while you can still financially do so.

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dreamingoftigers
upwardforward: Thank you, i agree in marriage there is no guarantee that things will work out, no matter how much planning out you do sometimes it is just that more complicated. Fights are getting worse, things were broken and now he grabbed me by my throat and almost slapped me, he pushed me around and everything. I can't take it i want out and i am not the one to put up with hitting. I am done.

 

Time to EXIT STAGE LEFT.

 

Don't give a ****e about the career of someone who doesn't give a ****e about choking you.

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dreamingoftigers
Time to EXIT STAGE LEFT.

 

Don't give a ****e about the career of someone who doesn't give a ****e about choking you.

 

Furthermore, I know it is VERY draining emotionally and energy-wise to deal with an abusive spouse.

 

Each day, do SOMETHING to keep moving forward to get yourself out of there.

 

If you don't have the courage yet to report him, you could PM details to one of us, and we could do it for you.

 

Just find a way out. That's your mission and take steps every day to get out.

 

And take even 20-30 minutes to yourself each day to KNOW that you are making the right decision.

 

If after you leave, you still want to be with him and he WAKES THE HELL UP and is willing to learn proper anger management and relationship boundaries. (You know, novel ideas like Don't Choke Your Spouse 101) MAYBE things can be worked on then.

 

But there's no point in trying to talk when no one is listening and frankly he can't make out what you are trying to say because his hands are on your neck.

 

If my daughter told me she was exposed to this, I wouldn't think that there was something she did wrong etc. Nothing warrants HANDS ON YOUR THROAT. I would do everything I could to get her out of there (within reason) and make sure she is safe. Nothing else matters if she's not safe. And frankly, God help the fool who does that to her. I had it done to me as a kid (my father tried to kill me by strangulation when he was drunkenly enraged). A "man" who did this to my daughter should be somewhat nervous about his next moves because I have no fear of Canadian jail-time to deliver him a set of consequences.

 

My faith in Jesus notwithstanding.

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TaraMaiden

TaraMaiden: Yes military can help with many things but all the same jeopardize his military career they dont take issues lightly and ofcourse if matters get worse i refuse to be out in the street specially due to mother in law's selfish financial needs. I will just try my best to get on with school and do something while i can and then go back to the US.

 

Who gives a flying phukk??

The moment he laid his hands on you he foreclosed all privileges regarding his 'career'.

 

Tough schytt.

 

So here's the scenario: you're lying on the floor nursing a broken jaw and a black eye - and you're still worried about his career prospects??

I would think not!!

But if you do nothing - it may get to that!!

 

Report him and ask them for assistance to be given security and safety from this loose cannon.....

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