Are these feelings normal?

[Alison]

About 6-7 weeks ago, my boyfriend ended our relationship of a year.

 

This came as quite a surprise because I didn't think at the time that there was anything wrong, wouldn't have predicted this for the life of me etc. We got along brilliantly and were very close. His parents were basically the reason we split (long story - I'm 3 years older and they hated it). The pressure they put on him and the rules they imposed (he's 21) became ridiculous and he couldn't cope with it. They are very strict and make their thoughts known.

 

I was completely shocked when we split. Naturally, I was also very hurt and I still am. I have been hurting since we split because I love him deeply and we got along like a house on fire, and were so very close. I miss him terribly. He wondered if we could be friends. I said that would be too hard because he has just started to see someone else. I haven't spoken or heard from him since I said that, which I think is the right thing to do, although I miss him more than words can say. I have felt his loss from the moment we split up, but I am going to ride this on my own (no rebounds etc). We still love each other a lot, but things just won't work because his family have upset the apple cart way too much and will never accept me.

 

But the last couple of days, I have been feeling very depressed. I thought I was handling this well. I was having my ok moments and not ok moments, which is to be expected (hurt, upset, positive, coping, angry). But the depression I have been feeling the last few days has hit me hard. Is this normal? I've been trying to keep myself busy etc, making plans, which has helped me a bit in the since we split, but no matter what I have been doing in the last few days, this depression has stuck. I thought I had cried all the tears I could (and they were in abundance), but yesterday, I just came home from my friends house and broke down, but it was beyond just simply feeling unhappy.

 

I don't know if I should be feeling better yet or not. The last few days have been awful and I don't know why. I have had numerous dreams about him this last week, and I wake up feeling like absolute #####.

 

I'd really love some advice from people who have felt like this too. This is really hurting more than I thought it would and I try so hard to be positive but something in my mind just keeps bringing me down. I've been having trouble eating and sleeping since we split, but now I'm having trouble simply getting motivated, no matter how hard I try.

 

Please help me. I feel so lost and I just don't know if this is normal I should be making progress like I thought I was. I've had one painful break-up before but I never felt this bad.

[Tony T]

Everything you are feeling is totally and completely normal. Don't put a time schedule on your healing process. Every person and every relationship...the characteristics of each...dictate just how long it may take to get through the really tough parts.

 

There are people who get over relationships in a matter of months...others take as long as four or five years to really heal thoroughly. The process if difficult, especially in the first months, and after a time the worst is over.

 

There is not short cut. If you try to take one, such as getting involved with someone else very quickly, drinking, doing drugs, etc., you will just lengthen the healing process and make it more difficult.

 

There are really no words I can give you to make your ordeal any easier. However, I urge you to join local support groups and/or seek counselling to get you through the tough times. There are some excellent support groups you can find through churches and social agencies to help people deal with the losses in relationships.

 

Just be patient with yourself. This will take some time. However, do whatever you can to keep yourself from obsessing about this constantly. Budget a certain amount of time each day for thinking about this, if you must. However, since it is over, performing any kind of analysis of the relationship is completely useless.

[Julie]

Remember to physically take care of yourself first. I went through a bad split up a year ago, and as a result slipped into a deep dark depression. Never wanted to go out, cried all the time, and lost 28lbs in 3 months. You got it, I wasn't eating, just smoking and crying all the time. I didn't realize what was happening to me until it was too late. Luckily I had my mother and friends there to pick up the pieces and help put me back together again. Healing does take time, but when you feel like it has taken too long, and you're still feeling the same, then it's time to look for help.