TryingToHeal2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 I'm not sure where to start... We were high school sweethearts. I went to college while he stayed in his hometown and worked. While I was in college he cheated (1st time) with a young girl. I didn't know about this until now. The 2nd time he cheated was with a woman he worked with. After we moved in together, I looked at his phone and found messages from a woman saying I love you. He was always so guarded but I wanted to show him how much I trusted him so I never looked before. He claimed it was over. I forgave him since it was in the past and we got engaged and married. We even went to couples marriage counseling. We were happy or so I thought and then he began working late about 3 months after our marriage. One year and 4 months later I discovered he was/is cheating on me with another woman who is now pregnant with his child. 10 days before my birthday when I was going to announce to him that I was ready for children. His parents told me about the 1st time he cheated the day I found out about woman #3. I moved out the same day. He said he wanted her. I contacted him to talk about the divorce he told me he misses me and hopes we can still have a future together. I was still holding on so I continued talking to him. He claimed he was going to therapy and had moved out from living with her. He lied. One day I called after receiving a text that he was in the ER. I called and called and then she answered. I talked with her and she told me that she had no idea he was still married to me and that she had gone through his phone to find many other women that he has continued talking to. I was being lied to again after considering staying with him for a 4th time even while knowing there was a child on the way. (I don't believe I am capable of having children). It was then that I realized there is no place for me in his life. I don't even know how much of our relationship was true or a lie. I don't understand how he can completely rip my heart out and use me and yet feel no remorse. I gave 10 years to him. I loved and continue to love him with all my heart but I'm exhausted. I told him I forgive him but unfortunately I will never forget the pain he caused me. I'm still going through with the divorce but I'm confused as to why he chose to lead me on...why continue to hurt me? What did I do to deserve any of this? Did he ever even love me? I still don't know why I'm writing this... There is so much more than what I can type on here. I look back and can see all the signs...why didn't I see them. He even brought her little boy over to our apartment so that we could go to the park together... How can he be so sick and evil.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 How can he be so sick and evil.... He sounds like self-centered, toxic user. Thank heavens you're no longer with him. But...how can you be so gullible, ignorant and deep in denial? Hard to follow your timeline but it seems that you found out early on that he had cheated. And then cheated again. How many more years did you waste after that? He is indeed sick and evil. But 10 years invested with that drama and history seems self-destructive on your part. Some of your wounds are self-inflicted ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Well, he's obviously a serial cheater. It's understandable to forgive once and to try to salvage the relationship. But if he could do it again after seeing what it did to you the first time - well, that's when you should have cut your losses. I'm sure hindsight is 20/20 for you now. Spilled milk, as they say. Why did he do it? From what I've seen, cheaters are either severely conflict-avoidant, have an excessive need for external validation, have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or a combination. Notice that none of that is on you. This is all likely tied to his childhood and family of origin. It's not even like he was in love with his other woman since he lied to her as well. Do everything you can to stay detached and to put this behind you; it was never about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Have to agree. People teach others how he/she should be treated. You can say "NO MORE", "Enough", then make a sound choice for yoruself. He sounds like self-centered, toxic user. Thank heavens you're no longer with him. But...how can you be so gullible, ignorant and deep in denial? Hard to follow your timeline but it seems that you found out early on that he had cheated. And then cheated again. How many more years did you waste after that? He is indeed sick and evil. But 10 years invested with that drama and history seems self-destructive on your part. Some of your wounds are self-inflicted ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author TryingToHeal2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 He sounds like self-centered, toxic user. Thank heavens you're no longer with him. But...how can you be so gullible, ignorant and deep in denial? Hard to follow your timeline but it seems that you found out early on that he had cheated. And then cheated again. How many more years did you waste after that? He is indeed sick and evil. But 10 years invested with that drama and history seems self-destructive on your part. Some of your wounds are self-inflicted ... Mr. Lucky Yes, you are right. I was very deep in denial. I didn't know about the 1st time (2010) until April 2013. When I told his parents that I was leaving him they came over and told me about her. So they knew about #1 before we got married. They are pastors and couldn't even tell me the truth about their son...I realize now that I received no mercy there. We moved in together September 2010. It was in Nov 2013 that I discovered the 2nd woman and that incident had happened some time before we moved in. Then this past April I discovered #3. He had asked me to set up a calendar for him to keep his little side job of pressure washing organized. So I went into his email and there were emails from a "V*****a my baby". Link to post Share on other sites
Author TryingToHeal2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 Well, he's obviously a serial cheater. It's understandable to forgive once and to try to salvage the relationship. But if he could do it again after seeing what it did to you the first time - well, that's when you should have cut your losses. I'm sure hindsight is 20/20 for you now. Spilled milk, as they say. Why did he do it? From what I've seen, cheaters are either severely conflict-avoidant, have an excessive need for external validation, have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or a combination. Notice that none of that is on you. This is all likely tied to his childhood and family of origin. It's not even like he was in love with his other woman since he lied to her as well. Do everything you can to stay detached and to put this behind you; it was never about you. It's ironic that you mention he had childhood issues because he does. His mother was abused by her father, his dad would drink. They cheated on each other with multiple partners for about 15 years. When my ex was little his father would hide porn in his crib or his bathroom. When he would stay with his grandpa #3, grandpa would wait until he thought the boys were asleep to watch porn. The boys would pretend but instead stay up watching it. That same grandpa would even send my ex small video clips of women while we were married and thought nothing of it when I found out. I guess I was collateral damage... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 You're only realizing all this due to hindsight but it's a good thing because knowing the truth is the first step to healing. You shouldn't blame yourself because you trusted him and forgave him. You are the better person in all of this. He has always been a serial cheater and most likely is already cheating on the girl he's with. He's not worth any women's love and most likely he will end up all alone, eventually. Find a good grief counselor or a psychotherapist who is good with post-break-up depression. Find a support group. Do everything in your power to heal. 10 years right now may seem like a long time, but you still have 20-30- to 40 to live happily. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Yes, you are right. I was very deep in denial. I didn't know about the 1st time (2010) until April 2013. When I told his parents that I was leaving him they came over and told me about her. So they knew about #1 before we got married. They are pastors and couldn't even tell me the truth about their son...I realize now that I received no mercy there. We moved in together September 2010. It was in Nov 2013 that I discovered the 2nd woman and that incident had happened some time before we moved in. Since it's currently May 2013, I'm still confused but no matter. The first time you found out, absent complete remorse and transparency on his part, the clock should have been ticking... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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