Being honest.

[Leigh 87]

Guys, it is really not that bad. I am not going to hit rock bottom; I have my life I need to build up and work on so that I am not left without ANYTHING to be happy about, should we not get back together.

 

We are just hanging out and staying in touch until we realise that we should either cut each other off, or embark on a new relationship.

 

We are loyal and are not going to sleep with anyone else until we know what we want.

 

Worst case is we hang out, he doesn't love me enough me and doesn't want me, and I go NC once I find out there is NO HOPE.

[Leigh 87]

STOP TALKING SENSE.

 

Seriously Leigh. You must feel absolutely nothing about yourself. This is so sad to watch.

 

Andrew is pretty damn good with his manipulation. Pretty soon, you'll be having 3somes with he and the hookers. And loving it. Cause you know, he loves you so much.

 

 

 

 

Of course he has stopped. Look, I am not nothing to him, I am not a girl he didn't love and used cos he liked my company.

 

And I do not hate myself at all, plz stop saying that. Girls who open their legs to men who hate them and have no respect for them hate themselves.

 

I do not sleep around and only let guys who are actually INTO me and are INTERESTED in me and my life, have me in an intimate way.

 

He was no angel with his addiction, but he did treat me well every day and he made it clear he loved me, okay?

 

He accepts he is also to blame.

 

I DO like myself and I do know I deserve the best. Early on, we will both realise if we are right for each other or not.

[aisuru]

Of course he has stopped. Look, I am not nothing to him, I am not a girl he didn't love and used cos he liked my company.

 

And I do not hate myself at all, plz stop saying that. Girls who open their legs to men who hate them and have no respect for them hate themselves.

 

I do not sleep around and only let guys who are actually INTO me and are INTERESTED in me and my life, have me in an intimate way.

 

He was no angel with his addiction, but he did treat me well every day and he made it clear he loved me, okay?

 

He accepts he is also to blame.

 

I DO like myself and I do know I deserve the best. Early on, we will both realise if we are right for each other or not.

 

Okay, you are probably right. You know him better than we do.

[Leigh 87]

And? So what? What do YOU want? You seem awfully interested in pleasing him but not real interested in pleasing yourself...

 

 

 

Look, I honestly want to just hang out and see how things go when I am serious about therapy.

 

And stop assuming every girl is the same; they fall hard for men who don't like them and get heir hearts smashed. Life is not the very worst case scenario.

 

I still regard this as a break up. I will not be calling him and hanging onto his every word and being fckoing obsessed like a complete moron.

 

I am just seeing if he is really wanting to let me go for good, or if he loves me the way he once did and SAYS he still does.

 

I will enjoy hanging out with him, and if he is not madly in love with me in the end, I will move on and find someone who is.

 

He maintains he has never felt this way about a girl and he truly does love me, in spite of his addiction, and in spite of the fact he left.

 

He really did not see the relationship as being healthy because I caused issues, issued which you have no idea about (you do not know how they impacted the relationship)

[Leigh 87]

Okay, you are probably right. You know him better than we do.

 

 

 

 

Yes I do. Your assuming the worst. Your assuming he never loved me that much. You assume a man addicted to hookers will give up his addiction straight away if he loved a women enough. You assume he did not love me enough and that is why he left. You assume that love is enough to get past all issues. You assume if a man loved me enough he would put up with ALL my issues and the resulting relationship.

 

Take a step back. You don't know how he feels or how he once felt about me. For all you know I am right, and he did love me enough to spend his life with me at one stage.

 

I do not think his journal lied. He is not delusional or too stupid to know what he feels. He has been around a lot of women much better looking than me, yet I am the only girl he has committed to.

 

I am simply giving him a chance before I cut him off.

 

He wanted me to see how things go before cutting him off.

 

You never know what will happen.

 

You don't know either of us.

 

The only thing your right about is the likelihood of things not working out: because statistically speaking, they don't normally work out!

 

....................................

 

Here is a little about us, before you judge us both and proclaim to know what we think and feel about ourselves and each other

 

We are both people who never liked relationships or had them before each other, in our adult lives.

 

We are the type to either have very fun, happy, and loving relationships with people we are CRAZY about, or not bother AT ALL (with relationships with anyone less than this)

 

I do not mean crazy about each other in the usual sense: infatuation, obsessing over how beautiful the girl is and what a saint she is and how perfect she is

 

We just could not stop thinking about each other, even though we were not super attracted or super keen on each other from our first meetings.

 

This is by no means a love story like in the movies I am not TRYING to convince anyone of anything.

 

I am just not a piece of trash to him like you imply.

[Leigh 87]

You've done a pretty good job of being obsessed over him these past few weeks you've been 'broken up.'

 

You could have healed in 3 months. 3. Months. Remember that when this thing is no longer able to be resucitated.

 

 

 

But how do you know that he will not want to be with me again?

 

No guy no matter how in love they were with me, would have put up with the person I had become.

 

How do you KNOW that he does not love me enough? Your not in his head?

[aisuru]

Yes I do. Your assuming the worst. Your assuming he never loved me that much. You assume a man addicted to hookers will give up his addiction straight away if he loved a women enough. You assume he did not love me enough and that is why he left. You assume that love is enough to get past all issues. You assume if a man loved me enough he would put up with ALL my issues and the resulting relationship.

 

Take a step back. You don't know how he feels or how he once felt about me. For all you know I am right, and he did love me enough to spend his life with me at one stage.

 

I do not think his journal lied. He is not delusional or too stupid to know what he feels. He has been around a lot of women much better looking than me, yet I am the only girl he has committed to.

 

I am simply giving him a chance before I cut him off.

 

He wanted me to see how things go before cutting him off.

 

You never know what will happen.

 

You don't know either of us.

 

The only thing your right about is the likelihood of things not working out: because statistically speaking, they don't normally work out!

 

....................................

 

Here is a little about us, before you judge us both and proclaim to know what we think and feel about ourselves and each other

 

We are both people who never liked relationships or had them before each other, in our adult lives.

 

We are the type to either have very fun, happy, and loving relationships with people we are CRAZY about, or not bother AT ALL (with relationships with anyone less than this)

 

I do not mean crazy about each other in the usual sense: infatuation, obsessing over how beautiful the girl is and what a saint she is and how perfect she is

 

We just could not stop thinking about each other, even though we were not super attracted or super keen on each other from our first meetings.

 

This is by no means a love story like in the movies I am not TRYING to convince anyone of anything.

 

I am just not a piece of trash to him like you imply.

 

 

I didn't read all of this post.

 

My thoughts have ZERO to do with hookers. My thoughts have to do with what I'm picking up from your posts over the past month. It's about the message, the tone, the conflicting messages.

 

I really wish you would read your posts with no investment. As a person looking from the outside in.

[Leigh 87]

I didn't read all of this post.

 

My thoughts have ZERO to do with hookers. My thoughts have to do with what I'm picking up from your posts over the past month. It's about the message, the tone, the conflicting messages.

 

I really wish you would read your posts with no investment. As a person looking from the outside in.

 

 

 

 

That is why he left. He said he looked at he relationship from an outside perspective and said it would not work; not until I get therapy.

 

In this case with my posts, I can only see " he doesn't love you and never really did love you that much" from the fact he left.

 

I am in the camp of people who believe that sometimes even the strongest love is not enough.

 

I also think the strongest love cannot be REALISED when a person has mental issues.

 

We both "think" there is a chance we had something worth holding onto, which is why we do not want to move on until we explore this.

 

He stayed with me so long because ASIDE from my issues, we do very well together in a relationship.

 

This is why he wants me in his life before we just cut all contact and move on.

 

We both obviously think there was something "there" enough to bother with this.

[Leigh 87]

If you went 100% NC on him, and he wanted to be with you, he'd find you. But you seem to think that he actually has to be around you, talking to you, and in your life, to decide that.

 

He doesn't.

 

It turns out that regardless of the person, some things are very simple. If someone wants to be with you, they will find a way. They just will. It could be distance, it could be a marriage, it could be nothing but insurmountable obstacles - if he wanted you, he'd find a way.

 

Instead, he's undecided, and he's going to trap you in his indecision as well, because misery loves company.

 

He does not have your best interests at heart. If you love someone, you set them free. I didn't know the meaning of that phrase until this year, but by Jeebus, I do now.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with the " he will find a way if he really truly does feel a strong enough love for you"

 

I also do not agree with the undecided phase he is in: he is adamant that he WANTS me, but a version of me that does not bring unnecessary drama into the R.

 

And the loving me enough to set me free is exactly what he told me. Before deciding to be unconventional and see if I could IMPLIMENT the changes and therefore, be with me while I continue with them.

[Leigh 87]

I am on the verge of cutting him off.

 

I am getting really really fcked up over this..........

 

I feel sick and cannot eat again and want to see a fcking therapist.

 

He has simply hurt me beyond repair.

 

I cannot get over the pain he has caused me by leaving.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think I can do it. He has hurt me too much. Things are to broken ( it is called a break up for a reason)

 

He has simply hurt me far too much. In both leaving me, using the hookers and other things he did I won't mention, and in the way he handled me on the phone today.

 

I think I want to start NC.

 

I am just cried hysterically; after having a tiny ray of hope, I became hysterical and freaked out.....

 

I know I need to move on from this, and I believe if love is strong enough it will find a way.

[Leigh 87]

Guys your right.

 

I can't do it.

 

Your right.

 

I can see a lovely young women wasting her months on a guy who will probably not realise that I am the love of his life.

 

I can't do it.

 

You can understand why, after how close we were after our life together with our dog...

 

You can see why I held on to the idea that: he once loved me so much, surely it is still there?"

[Leigh 87]

Well I feel relief at least.

 

I feel like this is what I needed to hear from him to let go; I could feel that the love was once there, but it is not strong enough. He would NOT hurt me like this if it was.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think I can do it. He has hurt me too much. Things are to broken ( it is called a break up for a reason)

 

He has simply hurt me far too much. In both leaving me, using the hookers and other things he did I won't mention, and in the way he handled me on the phone today.

 

I think I want to start NC.

 

I am just cried hysterically; after having a tiny ray of hope, I became hysterical and freaked out.....

 

I know I need to move on from this, and I believe if love is strong enough it will find a way.

 

Whoa whoa whoa....

 

I must not have kept up with all of this.

 

You mentioned he was addicted to this? Recently or is this really old news that you knew forever ago and isn't currently on the table?

 

And Leigh, I can see you are in a VERY dark place right now. Been there. Really been there. With all of the wobbling and bleakness that comes with it.

 

The pain looks endless. I'm sorry.

[Leigh 87]

Whoa whoa whoa....

 

I must not have kept up with all of this.

 

You mentioned he was addicted to this? Recently or is this really old news that you knew forever ago and isn't currently on the table?

 

And Leigh, I can see you are in a VERY dark place right now. Been there. Really been there. With all of the wobbling and bleakness that comes with it.

 

The pain looks endless. I'm sorry.

 

 

He rang today and we were going to hang out and hang onto the last shred of hope before we moved on forever.

 

I decided against it.

 

And yes the pain is too big for me to deal with right now. It is too hard to accept that the man I was once so close to is gone forever.

 

I am seeing a therapist to help me deal with the grief.

 

I feel relieved slightly that I will be moving on now. I mean, I just KNOW that his whole " lets hang out and hold hands and be all close to each other and see what happens" thing is over.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Leigh, how come you are not angry at him? He ABANDONED you because you have issues. Don't you realize that people that truly love you wouldn't ever abandon you like that? They would be by your side through thick and thin.

He made his choice, that tells you everything about his feelings.

 

Personally, I get sad and then I get angry. Then I call/e-mail ex and unleash the full venom of my anger, I don't hold back. Every single negative thought I ever had is shared. In my last case, I got NC forever. That is the most effective way to burn the bridge

[OwlSoul]

Leigh, how come you are not angry at him? He ABANDONED you because you have issues.

I'd be angry too, honestly. But I would not focus my anger at the person, but use it for self-development. I guess she is feeling the anger as well and releases here.

 

Don't you realize that people that truly love you wouldn't ever abandon you like that? They would be by your side through thick and thin.

The thing you're saying fits the friendship and family mostly.

 

Whereas biologically we are forced to find the best genetical material/match, even if we are not planning having kids. So, once we start being not as good as we were in the beginning of the relationship, our partners start loving us less. The guilt also puts an additional pressure and kills the love.

So yeah, the person did bad as a friend, but as a lover his behaviour is understandable.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, how come you are not angry at him? He ABANDONED you because you have issues. Don't you realize that people that truly love you wouldn't ever abandon you like that? They would be by your side through thick and thin.

He made his choice, that tells you everything about his feelings.

 

Personally, I get sad and then I get angry. Then I call/e-mail ex and unleash the full venom of my anger, I don't hold back. Every single negative thought I ever had is shared. In my last case, I got NC forever. That is the most effective way to burn the bridge

 

I don't think there is a set formula that you can use that can guarantee that you know how he feels.

 

I believe he truly did love me. I do.

 

I really do not think any decent guy who loved me TO DEATH would put up with the way I was.

 

Look, I am a positive and fun person to be around in general, but when I let myself go in all aspects of life, I can be a real b*tch to be around in a relationship. Not often, but consistently enough to make ANY MAN say " change or I'm out"

 

A guy who loves me as much as they CAN love someone, would give me warnings. Like Andrew did for the two years.

 

Andrew first entered into a relationship when I had HUGE issues. I was anorexic, without friends, without social skills. Really, he DID stick by me when other guys who had feelings for me would have left.

He was an idiot too at times with his filthy habit. He admits this. He is not some saint and I am angry at him for hurting me. He never meant to hurt me though, and in general, he was a wonderful boyfriend.

 

He wanted to be around me TO look after me during the break up. We could both see I was not fit to be in a relationship until I did a 180 and made changes.

 

He is not at he stage where he wants to let go for good.

 

I have gone through losing him, and it will just be a bonus if it works out I guess.

 

I actually have no interest in writing anymore about it here, as I want to keep really busy in life now, so that I will just enjoy his company and whatever happens happens.

 

I have had sex and been around an ex when we were at a point where: we knew we did not want to be together, but we were not ready for other people.

 

We felt safe because we were not ready to move on, and had an awesome person to have sex with until we started to move on and not hurt each other by knowing each other when we moved on to other people.

 

I was pretty crazy about that guy too but it was clear the R was not working.

 

I don't really listen to what people say, I only listen to the NC guide when the time is right to use it, as it heals you 100%.

[Queenie42]

Good move, Leigh.

 

It could be that he genuinely doesn't see what he's doing to you by pushing you away and pulling you back again, or perhaps he knows he's behaving like a colossal jerk and is doing it anyway. EITHER WAY it is not a healthy way to continue your relationship. So don't.

[Leigh 87]

I'd be angry too, honestly. But I would not focus my anger at the person, but use it for self-development. I guess she is feeling the anger as well and releases here.

 

The thing you're saying fits the friendship and family mostly.

 

Whereas biologically we are forced to find the best genetical material/match, even if we are not planning having kids. So, once we start being not as good as we were in the beginning of the relationship, our partners start loving us less. The guilt also puts an additional pressure and kills the love.

So yeah, the person did bad as a friend, but as a lover his behaviour is understandable.

 

 

 

 

UGH exactly!

 

 

Look I am NOT expecting or having high hopes of him realising how much he loves me.

 

But yes, I do not think any man would have put up with me for that long, I DID need to change the way I handled myself.

 

Friends do not have to be in a relationship with you and share your life intimately... they ARE expected to comfort you at your worst and be there for you when your being well, an idiot.

 

Being everything to a person when your draining them is hard. If you cannot see a relationship with a person because of how they can ACT, even if you truly love them you would let them go, after time and warning.

 

He warned me for years.

[Leigh 87]

Good move, Leigh.

 

It could be that he genuinely doesn't see what he's doing to you by pushing you away and pulling you back again, or perhaps he knows he's behaving like a colossal jerk and is doing it anyway. EITHER WAY it is not a healthy way to continue your relationship. So don't.

 

 

It is not as complex as people make out really.

 

He is NOT trying to hurt me at all. He does not sit and analyse things. Ever.

 

It is obvious he has no intention to move on or hook up with anyone and he was not going to string me long with the intention of keeping me around until HE healed enough to get with other people. I know him.

 

He genuinely wanted me to do a 180 and, for the short term, just be myself and not take my anger or issues out on him, to see how we could be.

 

He was not ready to let go forever, You cannot blame people for wanting to try to maintain something when they think it could be worth it.

 

It does not mean the worst. People here are INCEDIBLY fatalistic. They always assume the worst will happen...

 

I think we could have tested the waters a bit until we both came to the conclusion that we are better of exploring what is out there alone.

 

 

I hate how online, people assume that everyone fits into the same category; that the same thing will always happen to different people, that are in the same situation.

[Leigh 87]

Anyway, I am asking the mods to end this thread.

 

I am sick of being assuming they know me enough to determine the outcomes of my actions.

 

It does not have to come to terrible end the way people say.

 

There is such a thing as having the initial break up, and not expecting anything while the person wants to still connect with you until your both sure you should move on.

 

The worst that can happen is I will miss his company. I will not be that disappointed.

 

I have done this before with a guy and it worked out fine? I really liked him too, on the verge of loving. I had not false hope and we wanted to see what would happen hanging out, when nothing happened I did not go through the break up all over again.

 

End of thread. About to notify mods.

[TaraMaiden]

And while you wait for the Mod's to close the thread, read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

Print off enough copies to paper your entire house, hand a copy to all your best friends and tell them to beat you with it if you so much as THINK of breaking NC.

Hang one up in the bathroom (always worth having something to read in there while you 'sit and think'), and carry a copy with you everywhere you go.

 

Oh, and did I ever mention, you really should go No Contact?