jade_nc Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 ok - i've never done this beofre, but here goes. my SO and i have been together for 5yrs. 2 wks before our 2nd wedding anniversary he went to the strip club. he dropped 500 dollars in less than 4 hrs. i know it's possible. anyway....i'm not doing so hot at this! so - he lied to me about it. he clothes wreaked of perfume, so i asked why. he had been out of town on business - that's when he told me he was really at the strip club. after lots more lies, tears, and screams - he said he couldn't remember anymore about what happened. i know i'm stuck on the details. but i'm so hurt. i just don't understand....he knew how i felt about it, and he went anyway. he knew it would break my heart and he didn't care. now, i have no idea what to do. i don't believe anything he tells me. he won't talk to me about it anymore, and walks around here like life is fine. normal. it's making me crazy. i don't want to be normal anymore. i can't stand for him to see me naked, i change clothes in the bathroom. i can't eat, i have nightmares everynight. i'm working on a serious meltdown. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 he told you he was going out of town but he really went to a strip club? How long was he gone? I wouldn't be letting this one go. I'd give it to him like it is. That's ridiculous because: 1. He went to a strip club 2. He spent 4 hundred dollars at a strip club 3. He lied about going to a strip club 4. He's acting as if he's done nothing wrong If he did nothing to be ashamed of then why did he lie? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jade_nc Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 see - i knew i wasn't any good at this! he really was out of town...he told me he was going to have drinks with his buddy. the ended up at the strip club, afterward. when i told him i wanted to know why his clothes smelled like perfume, he lied and said he didn't know. later he told me he was at the strip club. when i started asking specific questions, he would give me a story - if i proved that story wrong, he changed it. he did apologize, and said it was a mistake - but he can't talk about it anymore because he can't keep beating himself up about it....so he chooses normalcy. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 But obviously things are not normal. You need to tell him that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jade_nc Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 thanks very much. i really appreciate your help. i have told him. it hasn't done any good. he just sits there, acts like he's listening, then goes back to his routine. i read the thread about clubs and why men go, etc. maybe i should send it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Okay so, 1. He went to a strip club and I'm assuming both parties were clear that isn't acceptable within your particular relationship 2. He lied about it 3. He spent $500 of your money on strippers (when you're married, every dollar you spend affects your partner too) Sounds cowardly to me. If he wants to go to strip clubs he should be a man and stand up for his views, not try to hide it...and there is no way he should be throwing half a grand at other women. If you all were just dating I'd say your options are pretty clear, but the two of you are married. If he doesn't think he did anything wrong still, can you get him to see a counselor with you? Perhaps a third party telling him would help him understand that lying and spending all that money isn't right, even if the strip club part is negotiable. I know that is the part you are caught up on now, because it is the image that sticks in your mind. But really I think its the lying and the money that is the biggest problem because it tells you he was playing an active role in this trip to the strip club. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jade_nc Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 i don't know if he'll see a counsler or not. i haven't asked. and you're exactly right - i don't have to just live with the idea or image....i have to live with knowing he wanted it enough to go back to the ATM 4 times, spent half the night in the "privacy" of the VIP room, and lied to me about all of it. all of it hurts. it was an active role, not just something his buddy wanted him to do. i want to know why that's what he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I am really sorry, I know it must hurt so much. It sounds like you have your head on straight about it. I wonder how he would feel if you did the exact same? Do you think he did anything beyond a lap dance? My stomach is turning just thinking of it. My heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jade_nc Posted September 29, 2004 Author Share Posted September 29, 2004 thanks for the support. didn't realize i should have posted in the marriage forum....oh well! i tried to talk to him a bit tonight. it went over like a lead balloon....i mentioned a counselor, he said no. i don't know if he did anything beyond that, and at this point, i don't think that would matter. i told him i was thinking of spending an evening with an escort. he blew up! what's the difference? i'm going to pay someone to make me feel good about myself, show me attn, and if there's any physical contact - it will be minimal (that's how he described his adventure to me). only difference is that i don't get to see my escort in the buff! honestly, i would never do that to him...i just couldn't hurt him that way. he was almost sincere with me a bit ago, but his pride is too great for that. we've been through so much - i want to be able to get through this too, but i really don't see how. Link to post Share on other sites
EviL_SmUrF Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 How dare he say no when you want to go to a marriage counseler about this! Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that to you, this is very important and you want to resolve this. Tell him that it was a disgusting thing to do because he knew that you did not approve of it, and he did it anyway. He betrayed your trust. It appears to me that in your mind, the marriage is hanging by a thread here because he betrayed your trust in him. Explain that to him and it outta snap his ego-filled head out of the clouds and back down to earth if he cares about you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jade_nc Posted September 30, 2004 Author Share Posted September 30, 2004 well, i took your advice and did exactly that last night. beforehand, he had gotten highly aggitated that i had even brought it up again. his answer is to get drunk so that he doesn't have to deal with it. in a last ditch effort, i wrote him a letter. i told him that he won't find my love for him in the bottom of a bottle and that as long as he continues to hide there our marriage will suffer. i asked him to be proactive and constructive in resolving this, that i want to deal with the issue of what lead to his decision. i told him in my opinion, since neither of us know what to do, i didn't believe we would get past this without help from an outside source. "i'll think about it" was his reply. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Okay, now I'm really pissed. Has he always been like this? Sounds like you have been really sane and straighforward where a lot of women would be a basketcase about this. He doesn't know what he's got and he may not until its gone. Are you prepared for that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jade_nc Posted September 30, 2004 Author Share Posted September 30, 2004 no, not always. i don't think i have a choice anymore. he's unwilling to make the commitment to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. i can't force him to want to work this out. so, i have to accept that he doesn't. for my own sanity and the welfare of our children, i'm going to have to leave the relationship - emotionally at the very least....and you're right, i should be preparing myself to leave physically too. Link to post Share on other sites
EviL_SmUrF Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I hope everything goes well for you, and I hope he'll eventually get passed whatever is making him a total a**h*** at this time Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 Me and my H went through this 2 years ago, and I never got completely over it. I went through many stages. At first I wanted to leave, and thought about leaving quite a few times through the different stages. At first there was rage and pain. The anger lasted a long time. I cried everyday for about 6 months. I hated my body, and still pretty much do, after he went. I went through a spell of wanting to hurt him, make him jealous, and flirt with other men. I wanted to change and be more like him. Focus my attention on other men. The pain is less now, but I've changed. I'm not the same person I used to be, and I'm not a trusting person at all anymore. He's changed too, or seems to have, but I worry that I will carry my anger forever. I have a different attitude about men now than I did. I thought my H was a good guy and that he was different than the guys that lusted/chased other women when they are away from their wives. It just showed me that I don't know him away from me. I hope you get it worked out if it's leaving or staying. I do understand your pain though. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts