scarletblue Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I'm supposed to be getting married a month from today. The problem is that a couple of weeks ago my fiancee and I had an argument, and he went out to the bar. There, he ran into a friend of his, that he views as only a friend. She, on the other hand wants more from him, and has tried to achieve it before. She makes advances to him and he does not discourage this. Anyway, a bunch of people went to breakfast, including my fiancee and this woman. Two days ago, my fiancee let it slip that this "friend" had to sit on his lap while they were at the restaurant, because there were no more chairs at the table. I have a huge problem with this. I find it disrespectful to me for him do do that. Not to mention the fact that he does not discourage her actions. He says I should trust him and leave it at that. I don't know what to do. HELP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I'd throw a fit!!! I was the other woman for a guy that was engaged. This is standard behavior. Why would he be so stupid as to tell you this? Would you sit on a "friend's" lap in good fun? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by scarletblue I'm supposed to be getting married a month from today. The problem is that a couple of weeks ago my fiancee and I had an argument, and he went out to the bar. There, he ran into a friend of his, that he views as only a friend. She, on the other hand wants more from him, and has tried to achieve it before. She makes advances to him and he does not discourage this. Anyway, a bunch of people went to breakfast, including my fiancee and this woman. Two days ago, my fiancee let it slip that this "friend" had to sit on his lap while they were at the restaurant, because there were no more chairs at the table. I have a huge problem with this. I find it disrespectful to me for him do do that. Not to mention the fact that he does not discourage her actions. He says I should trust him and leave it at that. I don't know what to do. HELP!!! Well to begin with... when you and your man have an argument, a better way to find resolution needs to be found... him going to a bar because he's p!ssed... not okay IMHO. Secondly... she HAD to sit on HIS lap because why? OMG there was no more chairs at the table? What?! Well gee how about "Excuse me ma'am can we get another chair at this table please?" jeez for real! Last thing... you DO NEED to trust him IF a marriage is to work out... BUT he needs to understand that TRUST is earned and lost all in one's actions.... He should DISCOURAGE this other girl IF he wants to be married to you. Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 don't let it bother you. this shouldn't become a big issue unless you're looking for drama. if he was into her he wouldn't tell you. give him some trust or don't marry him Link to post Share on other sites
loveregardless Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I am a little disturbed that you are engaged to a man that flirts so openly with other women and does not thwart off their advances...letting another woman sit on his lap for any reason is completely unaccaptable in my opinion...I know that my boyfreind would never even dream of doing something as disrespectful as this...besides why would he want anyone but you on that lap?! ...but if you have a problem with this...then you need to address it now that you are engaged intstead of waiting until your married.... Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I second what Merin said. Had to sit on his lap....Yea, I really don't think so. If I were you, I'd tell him that actions speak louder than words...if he's looking for trust, perhaps he should take some action which instill a little bit more faith from his woman's perspective. The fact that he does not discourage her and basically blows you off when you express concern by using the "You should just trust me" line is disturbing. I mean, it could be that he's just too passive...I don't know because I don't know him, but I've met men like that. And they can be aggravating. He most likely would not be pleased to find that you "had" to sit on some guys lap. That being the case, he should probably be granting you the same courtesy he would probably like from you by politely discouraging other women. Just my opinion on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 First off, it's not o.k. for him to storm off to a bar to get plastered just because he's mad. Alcohol and being pissed off doesn't do anybody any good. Besides, it sounds as if he did it to get at you, which is really immature. Also, there is no way he should have let another woman sit on his lap. That is so horribly disrespectful to you. I don't care how the situation came about, he should not have let it happen, and if he respected your feelings, he wouldn't have let it happen. Kelly, things change when you get engaged. Behavior that is appropriate to those who have been dating and are not serious is not the same for someone who is about to be married. I would be so upset if this happened. Especially considering all the talks that my fiance and I have had about what is acceptable for us, and what isn't. I realize that what we have decided isn't right for everyone, however. Perhaps you should sit him down and talk to him about what is appropriate to you, and what isn't. Maybe someone like Kelly would be o.k. with her fiance flirting with another girl and pulling her into his lap, but personally, I wouldn't be, and you are obviously not. If you haven't set these kinds of boundaries you need to. If he continues to be disrespectful in how he handles this situation, I would say that you have other problems on your hands, such as his commitment phobia, or if he decides to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Quick, call the caterer and ask for the cancellation policy. You must NOT get married until you two have worked out issues like alcohol use and whether third party lap sitting is acceptable. I wouldn't accept it. It's not hardcore cheating, but it would sure make me do a slow burn if I walked into a restaurant and saw my SO entertaining another woman on his lap under any pretext whatsoever. BTW - a woman is a fiancee (with 2 "E"s) and a man is a fiance (only one "E") Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 He's doing it to make you jealous for one thing "There is someone who wants me too" It's unacceptable. I wouldn't be marrying him. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Yes, I know this. :-) I'm a girl, my fiance is a boy. I'm a fiancee. Kelly would be a fiancee, but she would have a fiance, which is what I wrote. Anyway, It's unacceptable. I wouldn't be marrying him. What Spock says is right. To me it boils down to a matter of respect. You shouldn't marry someone if they don't respect you. This will go badly downhill. I'm just saying because it reminds me of my dad and my step mom, and you don't want anything like that for eternity, trust me. I mean, if he's pulling stunts like this before you all even get married, imagine what will happen once you do tie the knot. Besides, someone who wants to "get you back" for something may not be mature enough to be a good husband. It takes a stronger self possession then that to raise a child, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 There will always be another woman "going after" your man if you're with a cute, smart one. What matters is what HE does about it. Letting the chick sit on his lap is not the thing to do. What he did was disrespect you and I agree with the others; don't take the relationship any further until you deal with what happened. Marriage will not make it all better! Link to post Share on other sites
scarletblue Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I really appreciate all of your opinions. They are very helpful. I do need to clarify something, though. In writing this post, I tried to make it as short and sweet as possible, so there were a couple things left out. First, We had gone out to the bar together origionally. It was a mutual friend of our's birthday and we were invited there for the party (her boyfriend is the DJ there). So it started off with both of us there together. We left to go home, and got in an unrelated argument on the way home. After we got home, I went to the bedroom and he called one of the guys there to come and get him so he could go back out there. I didn't even know he went back out until the next day, because I was asleep when he left. So it's not like we got in a fight and he went out drinking. I must say though, that I found the fact that he went back out rude. Secondly, he is a very attractive and smart man, so other women wanting him is nothing new. I know he won't cheat on me, but I believe this "friend" doesn't know that, because of his actions. So she is only encouraged by his behavior. If you all have any new thoughts, I'd appreciate them. Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEZE..... Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Doesn't really matter where, when, or why this woman was sitting on his lap. He should have dumped her off. And WHY, for G-d's sake do you call someone to come and "take him back out there" when you KNEW this other woman was with that crowd? Think about it... Would you leave a cat alone with a canary? Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 LOL. there is no way her fiance is as innocent as a canary. He had the choice to dump her off his lap. This is his failing, not hers. Put the blame on the right party. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Originally posted by YellowLioness LOL. there is no way her fiance is as innocent as a canary. He had the choice to dump her off his lap. This is his failing, not hers. Put the blame on the right party. I totally agree. I think you should think twice about marrying him. Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEZE..... Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Lioness: I don't believe I specified just WHO was the cat and who was the canary here... I agree with you 100% Link to post Share on other sites
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