Do You Love Your Stepchildren?

[iris219]

Are you expected to love them? If so, how does this happen? How do you develop love for another person's children? Is caring about their general well-being enough?

 

Also, do they love you? Do you expect them to?

[USMCHokie]

If I were to marry into having stepchildren, those kids would be friends at best. And if the father was still around, I wouldn't pay a cent for them. Except maybe for their birthday. And Christmas. But that's it.

[Eggplant]

The children are a part of the parent whom you love. So if you love the parent, you consider his or her children sacred.

[somedude81]

Under most circumstances, a step child will not love you as much as they love their real parents.

[Eggplant]

If I were to marry into having stepchildren, those kids would be friends at best. And if the father was still around, I wouldn't pay a cent for them. Except maybe for their birthday. And Christmas. But that's it.

 

Would you marry a woman whom you didn't love unconditionally? Wouldn't you, out of love for your wife, and knowing those children were part of her, want the best for the children, as a way of wanting the best for your wife?

 

Honestly, I think many men always view relationships based on what's in it for them personally. They don't love unconditionally, but rather tit for tat. Men, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

My stepmother loves me and my sister, and has always been nothing but kind. And my father always made it clear that we came first, and if she didn't like that, she was out.

 

My mother's boyfriend, on the other hand, was an *******.

 

When I dated a man with children, I told him I expected him to put his children before me, and I wouldn't have a man who would put his girlfriend before his children.

[USMCHokie]

The children are a part of the parent whom you love. So if you love the parent, you consider his or her children sacred.

 

Sure, they may be sacred, but I won't financially support another man's child. I don't know of much else more insulting.

[Keenly]

I strongly recommend that if you are incapable of fully loving your potential step children, don't marry that woman. Its not fair to the kids.....

 

Coming from a child who had 2 step father's who both hated me.

 

 

The one from when I was 8 to 18 made me miserable, and really missed up my life / personality in a big way. So coming from the kids point of view, try not to be selfish in this situation.

[xxoo]

I don't have stepchildren. But I do have friends with children, and I love their children. I spend my money on their children. I am there for them when they need a hug, a word of advice, a mentor, an advocate. I open my home to them. I'd literally adopt them if the need arose.

 

When I imagine stepchildren, I imagine that x1000.

[iris219]

I learned to love his kids by getting to know each of them individually and appreciating about them their special skills, talents and facets of their personalities. I love how his eldest is a good mother with a warm heart. I love how his son is his spitting image, still in need of affection and mothering. I love how his youngest is artistic and chatty, etc.

 

I compliment them for these things, I initiate deep conversation and try to divide my time to have special moments with them. I tell them on occasion I love them, I hug them, play with their hair, etc. I don't over do it, but I try to reach out at least once a week whether its a text saying "thinking of you", or going shopping and having lunch together.

 

Thank you for the response. I will definitely make an effort to get to know my BF's children. I hope that I'm worrying about all of this unnecessarily and that I will be able to bond with the children easily.

 

I don't doubt that I would care about them and treat them with respect and kindness, but actually loving them seems difficult to me, and I will feel guilty if I don't.

 

I can't imagine loving anyone from someone else's family. Do people love their in-laws? I wouldn't.

 

Unlike xxoo, I definitely don't love any of friend's children.

[Forever Learning]

How can you marry someone and NOT try to love the most important people in their lives?!?!

 

I'm with a man that has four children. I see in each of them some aspect of their father I love in him, and so my affection extends for then as well, being extensions of the man I adore. I know that his sanity and happiness is intimately wrapped up in the welfare of his children, how can i NOT seek to build a relationship with them? I promised this man our goals were shared, part of his goals is to have happy and healthy children. If I can't aid him in that quest I have no business trying to be his partner!

 

 

I learned to love his kids by getting to know each of them individually and appreciating about them their special skills, talents and facets of their personalities. I love how his eldest is a good mother with a warm heart. I love how his son is his spitting image, still in need of affection and mothering. I love how his youngest is artistic and chatty, etc.

 

I compliment them for these things, I initiate deep conversation and try to divide my time to have special moments with them. I tell them on occasion I love them, I hug them, play with their hair, etc. I don't over do it, but I try to reach out at least once a week whether its a text saying "thinking of you", or going shopping and having lunch together.

 

They don't say they love me too often, they hold back a little too just like I do our of respect for their mother (who flubbed her relationship with their father horribly and still regrets it). My theory is: I try to treat them like my own with the understanding that they are not but can use me in that manner when they need. It works... I'm closer to those kids than their blood but yet still respect their bonds and vice versa.

 

I don't think people not willing to parent should marry someone who is a parent. It will only hurt those children and adults later down the road after resentment builds. I'm with my boyfriend precisely because his last girlfriend was incapable of acting like a parent, just like my ex was... Kids come FIRST, adults come second. That is the reality of good parents until they no longer have dependents.

 

Your spouse would be the child of another man, as are you. You can forget parentage when it comes to a partner but not the extensions of that partner?! Don't marry a parent, your love capability is too limited for that yet. Maybe when you actually have kids you'll be able to understand not to hold children responsible for the origins they were innocent victims of..

 

Wow, GREAT posts Atheist Scholar!! I enjoyed reading, and you sound like a VERY special person indeed. You have maturity beyond your years, which is also special and somewhat rare.

 

When I had step children for 16 years, I loved them as best I could (they were/are very messed up kids, now adults.)

 

And, I spent a boatload of money on them.

 

They only came to visit now and then, they lived out of state. The marriage I was in, was a mess from the get go. Them living with us would have never worked because their dad (my now ex-husband, praise Jesus) was too messed up himself to be anywhere near a decent parent. Now that we are divorced, they left me in the dust, but that's ok, because they are so messed up, I wouldn't want them in my life whatsoever. Sad but true.

 

Luckily, not all 'blended family' stories are dysfunctional like that (thank GOD for that!!). Your story of your situation sounds very stable and wonderful.

 

You are certainly very grounded, and your husband sounds mature and grounded as well. All the best to you!

[tbf]

More importantly, what is the expectation of your partner about your level of involvement with the stepchildren? Does your partner expect you to mother the children? What are the ages of the children and how much time do you spend with them? Were the children previously exposed to poor parenting? How much involvement in parenting is the mother? What kind of mother was/is she?

 

Where a definitive line might be drawn is if you dislike them, they dislike you or both, your partner expects more than you're capable of giving or your partner expects more from you but the children are uncooperative.

 

Based on poor parenting, some kids are difficult to love and if your partner expects you to fix them and you're incapable of or unwilling to, IMO that's an incompatibility.

[Forever Learning]

More importantly, what is the expectation of your partner about your level of involvement with the stepchildren? Does your partner expect you to mother the children? What are the ages of the children and how much time do you spend with them? Were the children previously exposed to poor parenting? How much involvement in parenting is the mother? What kind of mother was/is she?

 

Where a definitive line might be drawn is if you dislike them, they dislike you or both, your partner expects more than you're capable of giving or your partner expects more from you but the children are uncooperative.

 

Based on poor parenting, some kids are difficult to love and if your partner expects you to fix them and you're incapable of or unwilling to, IMO that's an incompatibility.

 

Yes!

 

My step kids had poor parenting from both parents, which made them a hot mess all the way around.

 

If I had a 'do-over', I would not have gotten involved at all.

 

Bad step kids will rock your world, no doubt. In an unhappy, time consuming, emotionally exhausting way. Glad it's over!

 

I'd much rather be single then have a blended family that wasn't working, was dysfunctional, and lacked clearly defined boundaries.

 

Being single is pretty awesome for me right now, compared to the days of step kids and ex-wife shenanigans.

Edited May 19, 2013 by Forever Learning

[tbf]

Yes!

 

My step kids had poor parenting from both parents, which made them a hot mess all the way around. If I had a do-over, I would not have gotten involved at all. Bad step kids will rock your world, no doubt. In an unhappy, time consuming, emotionally exhausting way. Glad it's over!

 

I'd much rather be single then have a blended family that wasn't working, was dysfunctional, and lacked clearly defined boundaries.

If for some catastrophic reason I was ever to become a single mother with two kids, I wouldn't date a single father who expected me to fix his children, particularly if an emotionally dysfunctional mother was still a large part of the parenting team. This sets up the premise for an unnecessary drama triangle.

[xxoo]

Unlike xxoo, I definitely don't love any of friend's children.

 

Do you spend time with them? With them, not with them hanging around you and their mom. IME, that's the key to growing attached to the child, rather than viewing them as a barrier to time with their parent.

 

I get that time because my friends and I host each other's kids so often.

[Eve]

Are you expected to love them? If so, how does this happen? How do you develop love for another person's children? Is caring about their general well-being enough?

 

Also, do they love you? Do you expect them to?

 

I followed the guide that the biological parent of the child/children should take the lead and I then supported my H in his parenting role. This spproach is non threatening to step children. Eventually a deeper sense of caring develops as trust develops.

 

This worked for us until the biological mother decided to use the children as pawns to disrupt our relationship. This changed the dynamic to hazardous for the children. I warned her but she ignored me. To avoid any emotional harm I banned the children from the home because their behaviour was not acceptable. My H would take them out and spend time with them and built his relationship up with them to the point where they eventually apologised for their behaviour and returned to coming to the family home. The ex then understood that her poor parenting had no power within our home and we returned to being a reconstituted family - I have two girls.

 

Basically whatever decisions are made should be made for the benefit of the children and there should always be a route back into the family - but I would have left if the behaviour remained the same and I was unable to alter it. Staying in such a situation would have been a poor example for my girls and basically pointless.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[iris219]

More importantly, what is the expectation of your partner about your level of involvement with the stepchildren? Does your partner expect you to mother the children? What are the ages of the children and how much time do you spend with them? Were the children previously exposed to poor parenting? How much involvement in parenting is the mother? What kind of mother was/is she?

 

Where a definitive line might be drawn is if you dislike them, they dislike you or both, your partner expects more than you're capable of giving or your partner expects more from you but the children are uncooperative.

 

Based on poor parenting, some kids are difficult to love and if your partner expects you to fix them and you're incapable of or unwilling to, IMO that's an incompatibility.

 

My BF doesn't seem to have expectations when it comes to me and the kids. He expected me to meet them recently, which I had refused to do for months, but he was getting annoyed with my refusal so I relented because it was becoming an issue in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I don't think he knows what his expectations are or if he has any. I'm the only person he's dated after his divorce. I guess he wants me to do what I am comfortable with. I'm not used to children, so I don't know what I'm comfortable with.

 

Trying to parent them seems like a disaster to me. They have a mother whom they are close to. I don't plan to come in and try to be their second mommy. I can only assume they would hate this. They are good kids who have had a stable upbringing (for the most part. My BF and his ex were mostly roommates while married, so their focus was the children). I have no idea how to parent, so that shouldn't be an issue.

 

I just hope this will be easier than I think. I hear horror stories about blended families all the time.

[tbf]

My BF doesn't seem to have expectations when it comes to me and the kids. He expected me to meet them recently, which I had refused to do for months, but he was getting annoyed with my refusal so I relented because it was becoming an issue in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I don't think he knows what his expectations are or if he has any. I'm the only person he's dated after his divorce. I guess he wants me to do what I am comfortable with. I'm not used to children, so I don't know what I'm comfortable with.

 

Trying to parent them seems like a disaster to me. They have a mother whom they are close to. I don't plan to come in and try to be their second mommy. I can only assume they would hate this. They are good kids who have had a stable upbringing (for the most part. My BF and his ex were mostly roommates while married, so their focus was the children). I have no idea how to parent, so that shouldn't be an issue.

 

I just hope this will be easier than I think. I hear horror stories about blended families all the time.

Prior to responding to the content of this post, what's the custody arrangement, as in how much time does your b/f have sole custody of his children? Also, how old are they?

[iris219]

Prior to responding to the content of this post, what's the custody arrangement, as in how much time does your b/f have sole custody of his children? Also, how old are they?

 

They have the children 50/50, so he has them 3-4 days a week. The kids are 6 and 11.

[Forever Learning]

If for some catastrophic reason I was ever to become a single mother with two kids, I wouldn't date a single father who expected me to fix his children, particularly if an emotionally dysfunctional mother was still a large part of the parenting team. This sets up the premise for an unnecessary drama triangle.

 

Yes. These are things I didn't consider enough when I became involved with him.

 

And that is because I had low self esteem and co-dependency issues, and family of origin issues, - and re-bounded to him, after a different, failed 7 year relationship with a different set of issues (sex addiction and drugs).

 

In a nutshell, I was a first-rate, grade-A flaming idiot.

 

I'm a little smarter now. I learned the hard way alot of things, but at least I learned something.

 

I was incredibly, stupendously dumb in my 20's.

 

Nice girl, but dumb as a rock. And, we didn't have internet back then to help make me smarter either.

 

No Love Shack, for sure.

 

Ah well, such is life! I can't complain, life is too good now.

Edited May 19, 2013 by Forever Learning

[tbf]

They have the children 50/50, so he has them 3-4 days a week. The kids are 6 and 11.

Thanks. This helps to form a more clear picture.

 

My BF doesn't seem to have expectations when it comes to me and the kids. He expected me to meet them recently, which I had refused to do for months, but he was getting annoyed with my refusal so I relented because it was becoming an issue in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I don't think he knows what his expectations are or if he has any. I'm the only person he's dated after his divorce. I guess he wants me to do what I am comfortable with. I'm not used to children, so I don't know what I'm comfortable with.

It sounds like you've been very honest with your b/f about your abilities and desires, in reference to his children.

 

Trying to parent them seems like a disaster to me. They have a mother whom they are close to. I don't plan to come in and try to be their second mommy. I can only assume they would hate this. They are good kids who have had a stable upbringing (for the most part. My BF and his ex were mostly roommates while married, so their focus was the children). I have no idea how to parent, so that shouldn't be an issue.

 

I just hope this will be easier than I think. I hear horror stories about blended families all the time.

I think this is a good blended family possibility, in that the children have stable parental figures. Play this one by ear since there's no way you can know what you're capable of, as long as your b/f doesn't expect or push for more than you're willing to or capable of giving. In this situation, it's very likely your b/f will expect you to help since he's got custody 3 - 4 days a week.

 

But with the uncertainty in this situation, I would strongly dissuade you from considering a child of your own. Wait until everything's settled into a happy for everyone, functioning routine. If it never settles into a happy, functioning routine, it's time to make a child-free exit.

[xxoo]

But with the uncertainty in this situation, I would strongly dissuade you from considering a child of your own. Wait until everything's settled into a happy for everyone, functioning routine. If it never settles into a happy, functioning routine, it's time to make a child-free exit.

 

I strongly agree. It's a little alarming that you are having desires to get pregnant even before you have desires to meet his existing children. His children would be your child's siblings.

[somedude81]

They have the children 50/50, so he has them 3-4 days a week. The kids are 6 and 11.

OK, I have to share this.

 

My stepmother married my father when she was about 25, he was around 34. He had two kids, me and my brother. I was 13 and he was 10.

 

Soon after they got married, they got full custody as my mother was going through some health issues. Less then a year after they got married, my step mother got pregnant. Having a baby around was a huge shock to my brother and I. We did not adjust well. It was just too many new things at once and none of us wanted another sibling. My dad and step-mother also made another huge mistake and got a three bedroom house, forcing my brother and I to share a room, since none of us wanted to live with the baby. It was absolutely horrible and is the primary reason why my brother and I do not speak to this day.

 

I'm glad that my step-mother has her son. While I do love her, it's not as much as I love my mom and dad. I'm sure my brother feels the same way. I understand that her son loves her in a way that I can't, and so it was important for her to have a child of her own.

 

The advice that I can offer is that you should have a child(s) of your own if you marry a man with kids. But you absolutely should wait a bit before you get pregnant. My step-mother now admits that she should have waited to get pregnant and that she pressured my dad into having another child. She also said that she was in a hurry to do it because she wanted to keep the kids ages similar, but by the time my half-brother was born, my brother was already 10 years older. My half-brother being 13 years younger than me would have been the same exact thing if he was 16 years younger. He was nothing but a nuisance till he was a teenager.

 

I don't know how serious it is with your boyfriend, but if it is serious, please consider my words, unless you want more somedudes running around

[iris219]

I strongly agree. It's a little alarming that you are having desires to get pregnant even before you have desires to meet his existing children. His children would be your child's siblings.

 

Is it surprising? I had the desire to get pregnant before I met him. That desire has nothing to do with my BF or his children.

 

I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon, at least not this year; I'm have a bad feeling about my fertility anyway. Right now, I'm focused on trying to build a relationship with his children and make our new relationship dynamics work (now that the children are a part of them).

[iris219]

OK, I have to share this.

 

My stepmother married my father when she was about 25, he was around 34. He had two kids, me and my brother. I was 13 and he was 10.

 

Soon after they got married, they got full custody as my mother was going through some health issues. Less then a year after they got married, my step mother got pregnant. Having a baby around was a huge shock to my brother and I. We did not adjust well. It was just too many new things at once and none of us wanted another sibling. My dad and step-mother also made another huge mistake and got a three bedroom house, forcing my brother and I to share a room, since none of us wanted to live with the baby. It was absolutely horrible and is the primary reason why my brother and I do not speak to this day.

 

I'm glad that my step-mother has her son. While I do love her, it's not as much as I love my mom and dad. I'm sure my brother feels the same way. I understand that her son loves her in a way that I can't, and so it was important for her to have a child of her own.

 

The advice that I can offer is that you should have a child(s) of your own if you marry a man with kids. But you absolutely should wait a bit before you get pregnant. My step-mother now admits that she should have waited to get pregnant and that she pressured my dad into having another child. She also said that she was in a hurry to do it because she wanted to keep the kids ages similar, but by the time my half-brother was born, my brother was already 10 years older. My half-brother being 13 years younger than me would have been the same exact thing if he was 16 years younger. He was nothing but a nuisance till he was a teenager.

 

I don't know how serious it is with your boyfriend, but if it is serious, please consider my words, unless you want more somedudes running around

 

Thanks for sharing SD.

 

I would like to wait to have children, but unlike your stepmom (who was 25 when she married your father), I'm 34. I don't have a lot of time.

 

My BF's children have a good relationship with both of their parents, so I think that will help them adjust to any changes (like us moving in together, getting married, and/or having a child.)

 

Out of curiosity, do you ever call or email your stepmother just to talk to her?

[somedude81]

Thanks for sharing SD.

 

I would like to wait to have children, but unlike your stepmom (who was 25 when she married your father), I'm 34. I don't have a lot of time.

Ugh! That makes harder for you.

 

You're right that you don't have a lot of time.

 

My BF's children have a good relationship with both of their parents, so I think that will help them adjust to any changes (like us moving in together, getting married, and/or having a child.)

Good. It's very important that the kids have a good relationship and frequently see both parents.

 

Though a new, big change can still be hard on kids.

Out of curiosity, do you ever call or email your stepmother just to talk to her?

It makes me sad to say this, but no, I don't. I love talking to her when I visit, which I'm actually going to do in a couple of weeks. But I never contact her to talk, which I do, do with my parents. She has her son which helps alleviate some of my guilt. I didn't even call her on mothers day, which I should of done, but I was spending the day with my real mother. Times like that it's hard to remember that I have two mothers.