Do You Love Your Stepchildren?

[xxoo]

Is it surprising? I had the desire to get pregnant before I met him. That desire has nothing to do with my BF or his children.

 

I'm not going to get pregnant anytime soon, at least not this year; I'm have a bad feeling about my fertility anyway. Right now, I'm focused on trying to build a relationship with his children and make our new relationship dynamics work (now that the children are a part of them).

 

It is surprising to me, because you said you had refused to meet them for months. If you see a future as a family together, I'd think that you'd want to meet his children (you potential child's siblings) asap. Do you see his children as part of your future family, or an obstacle to it?

 

Plus, are you interested in getting pregnant and having a baby, or actually sharing your life with kids? Because here is an opportunity to spend some quality time with kids...and you delayed it. Why?

Edited May 19, 2013 by xxoo

[iris219]

It is surprising to me, because you said you had refused to meet them for months. If you see a future as a family together, I'd think that you'd want to meet his children (you potential child's siblings) asap. Do you see his children as part of your future family, or an obstacle to it?

 

Plus, are you interested in getting pregnant and having a baby, or actually sharing your life with kids? Because here is an opportunity to spend some quality time with kids...and you delayed it. Why?

 

I refused to meet his kids because I didn’t want to traumatize them. They have been through a lot and I wanted to make sure our relationship was going to be long term before a new person was introduced into their lives. I think I made a good decision here.

 

My BF and I have only been together for 5 months. His kids have had to deal with their parents’ recent divorce and their mom’s new BF, who they met as soon as she moved out of the family home. That had to be weird for them.

 

It makes me sad to say this, but no, I don't. I love talking to her when I visit, which I'm actually going to do in a couple of weeks. But I never contact her to talk, which I do, do with my parents. She has her son which helps alleviate some of my guilt. I didn't even call her on mothers day, which I should of done, but I was spending the day with my real mother. Times like that it's hard to remember that I have two mothers.

 

That makes me sad too. I feel like many stepparents invest a lot of emotional energy for very little reward.

[xxoo]

I refused to meet his kids because I didn’t want to traumatize them. They have been through a lot and I wanted to make sure our relationship was going to be long term before a new person was introduced into their lives. I think I made a good decision here.

 

My BF and I have only been together for 5 months. His kids have had to deal with their parents’ recent divorce and their mom’s new BF, who they met as soon as she moved out of the family home. That had to be weird for them.

 

I agree that it is good to wait until after you know it will be long term before meeting the kids. I'm just a little confused about your posts on the pregnancy forum. Getting pregnant in August would probably be pretty weird for the kids, too!

[Got it]

Thanks for sharing SD.

 

I would like to wait to have children, but unlike your stepmom (who was 25 when she married your father), I'm 34. I don't have a lot of time.

 

My BF's children have a good relationship with both of their parents, so I think that will help them adjust to any changes (like us moving in together, getting married, and/or having a child.)

 

Out of curiosity, do you ever call or email your stepmother just to talk to her?

 

Iris - I am a new stepmother. Right now I am just an adult friend to them, my job is to back up their parent's rulings, to get to know them, have fun and be consistent to what the parents have set.

 

I have, though, determined that being with a man that has children that his children take priority even to the idea that I will miss my chance to have my own kids. I understand your timing issue, I am 36, and will probably have to look to adoption to have kids, but I am not going to rush it and upset the apple cart with the current kids. My priority is being with my husband, and with him comes his kids, and so I will nurture and cultivate those relationships first.

 

Just meet the kids, get to know them, the feelings will come. I don't think anyone wants to rush it and I think, like for many people adults and children, you will fall in love in time. Enjoy them as the unique little people that they are. I don't think I am in love with my stepkids yet, nor are they with me, but we like each other and get to know each other every day. They are funny funny guys.

[Eggplant]

Sure, they may be sacred, but I won't financially support another man's child. I don't know of much else more insulting.

You absolutely have no obligation to support another man's child -- don't marry a woman with children. Especially if you have none yourself. I think, though, it's either all or nothing. Either you do it all the way and embrace the children, or you decide that you'll stick to other people without children, which is completely understandable for a childless man.

[Eggplant]

Under most circumstances, a step child will not love you as much as they love their real parents.

 

This point illustrates the major sacrifice and challenge one takes on when marrying a person with children. The child may very well hate you. As the responsible adult, you must always react in the most mature and loving and selfless way, even when the child throws stones at you. The child is a baby.

 

Of course, being a parent is hard enough. Your child may hate you, and they may hate you illogically for doing the thing that is in the child's best interest. So being a parent is a thankless job. And being a hated step-parent? Wow. Those people sign up for a lot.

[Art_Critic]

Thru my young teen years to my late 30's I had an incredible StepMother.

She was a loving caring woman, she accepted me and the rest of my family as her own, she had her own eventually too..

 

She is the reason that I was a wonderful StepFather in my previous marriage to a wonderful StepDaughter.. today she is 21, goes to college and is on her way to being all she can be and much of that I was part of.

 

When I was married to her Mom she got all of my Love.. it was tough at times as there was some rejection that happened in the very beginning as she felt I was a replacement for her Dad but with time, patience and showing her I loved her she started showing me her love and by the time her Mom and I divorced she was as if she was my own child.

 

We are still in touch today.. not as much as it used to be but she is in college in a different state

Edited May 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[USMCHokie]

You absolutely have no obligation to support another man's child -- don't marry a woman with children.

 

I'll caveat that by saying a woman with children where the father is still involved in the children's lives. If the father were completely out of the picture, then I'd consider adopting them as my own; but if they have any presence whatsoever in their lives, then that guy will continue providing child support payments, because I sure as hell won't pay for his kids when he can do so himself.

[Got it]

I'll caveat that by saying a woman with children where the father is still involved in the children's lives. If the father were completely out of the picture, then I'd consider adopting them as my own; but if they have any presence whatsoever in their lives, then that guy will continue providing child support payments, because I sure as hell won't pay for his kids when he can do so himself.

 

Yes, the parents should financially support their kids but there are other areas that monies are/can be spent that I don't take such a hard line on this. My income is more than both parents' combined. So while their father pays alimony and child support there are other areas like college, etc. that my income does start falling into. They are an extension of him so monies I give to him are monies I give them. I enjoy making their lives better, easier, happier, enjoyable, etc. I like being able to assist in giving them opportunities they may not have been able to have.

 

It is really an individual thing and one that a person should think deeply about when they start dating someone with kids.

 

To me, it is an honor to be part of their lives in whatever capacity they want me. I have no interest in taking anyone's place but I hope I can add some value to their lives in whatever small way. I think as humans we have an amazing ability to love many people so there is no quota especially with children.

[USMCHokie]

Please don't marry someone with children.

 

Well that's clearly not an ideal situation for any guy...so I don't think guys go out looking for women with kids...

[Emilia]

Well that's clearly not an ideal situation for any guy...so I don't think guys go out looking for women with kids...

Same here. If I ever end up getting serious with a single dad it will be by accident and it's not on the books. I don't go out to look for single fathers.

[Art_Critic]

Well that's clearly not an ideal situation for any guy...so I don't think guys go out looking for women with kids...

 

It was ideal in my first marriage Hokie, I went in knowing she couldn't have anymore kids and that her daughter would be my StepDaughter.

I also went in thinking I would never be a biofather... life has a way of changing things..

[USMCHokie]

It was ideal in my first marriage Hokie, I went in knowing she couldn't have anymore kids and that her daughter would be my StepDaughter.

I also went in thinking I would never be a biofather... life has a way of changing things..

 

Yea...but I don't think you went searching for a woman who had that particular life situation, did you...? Perhaps you met her and decided it was worth it.

[Art_Critic]

Yea...but I don't think you went searching for a woman who had that particular life situation, did you...? Perhaps you met her and decided it was worth it.

 

When I dated I didn't date any particular kind of search.. I wasn't looking for women that could bear children or not or had them or not...

It doesn't matter to me Hokie..maybe one day when you realize that you have something to give someone else you will find your posts on this thread shocking to yourself..

 

Hokie, you are also young.. age has a way of altering ones views some... it may change for you...

[USMCHokie]

When I dated I didn't date any particular kind of search.. I wasn't looking for women that could bear children or not or had them or not...

 

That's what I was saying...people don't go out intentionally looking for single mothers.

 

It doesn't matter to me Hokie..maybe one day when you realize that you have something to give someone else you will find your posts on this thread shocking to yourself..

 

Hokie, you are also young.. age has a way of altering ones views some... it may change for you...

 

Maybe. I was raised in a relatively ideal household with no step-anythings...all my good friends growing up had both their parents and there were no step-people...the only semblance of a 'step'-person I knew of was at my grandparents' generation, and it wasn't until I was a lot older that I realized that half of my aunts on my mom's side were really half-sisters. So the idea of a step-person in the family is quite foreign to me, and I can't really empathize with being a step parent. I'd be the kid's friend, but I would never see myself being their parent.

 

That being said, I don't know if I could ever change my values to find it acceptable to pay to raise a child whose father is still in his life, while I'm on the hook to raise the kid. It basically translates to: "hey dude, I banged your wife and popped out a kid, and now you get to pay for all his sh*t while I take him to baseball games and make him call me daddy! Thanks buddy!"

 

Yea, the world can judge me all they'd like, but I'm no sucker.

[Emilia]

Maybe. I was raised in a relatively ideal household with no step-anythings...all my good friends growing up had both their parents and there were no step-people...the only semblance of a 'step'-person I knew of was at my grandparents' generation, and it wasn't until I was a lot older that I realized that half of my aunts on my mom's side were really half-sisters. So the idea of a step-person in the family is quite foreign to me,

I have to say I envy you for that. Wish I came from a more stable background. I've had 3 step fathers so far.

[Got it]

That's what I was saying...people don't go out intentionally looking for single mothers.

 

 

 

Maybe. I was raised in a relatively ideal household with no step-anythings...all my good friends growing up had both their parents and there were no step-people...the only semblance of a 'step'-person I knew of was at my grandparents' generation, and it wasn't until I was a lot older that I realized that half of my aunts on my mom's side were really half-sisters. So the idea of a step-person in the family is quite foreign to me, and I can't really empathize with being a step parent. I'd be the kid's friend, but I would never see myself being their parent.

 

That being said, I don't know if I could ever change my values to find it acceptable to pay to raise a child whose father is still in his life, while I'm on the hook to raise the kid. It basically translates to: "hey dude, I banged your wife and popped out a kid, and now you get to pay for all his sh*t while I take him to baseball games and make him call me daddy! Thanks buddy!"

 

Yea, the world can judge me all they'd like, but I'm no sucker.

 

How is helping raise a child, being part of developing who they are, of molding them . . . put your remotely close to a "sucker" situation?

 

I did not have step parents, step siblings, etc. either, that doesn't mean I can't conceive of the idea. It isn't like someone is asking you to explain the secret of Life.

 

It's fine to know you don't want to raise someone else's kids, your kids, etc. and better to know know then to get into the situation and realize that you really don't care.

[USMCHokie]

how is helping raise a child, being part of developing who they are, of molding them . . . Put your remotely close to a "sucker" situation?

 

$$$$

 

 

 

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[iris219]

This point illustrates the major sacrifice and challenge one takes on when marrying a person with children. The child may very well hate you. As the responsible adult, you must always react in the most mature and loving and selfless way, even when the child throws stones at you. The child is a baby.

 

Of course, being a parent is hard enough. Your child may hate you, and they may hate you illogically for doing the thing that is in the child's best interest. So being a parent is a thankless job. And being a hated step-parent? Wow. Those people sign up for a lot.

 

The above scares me. I don't think my BF's kids will hate me (they seem to like me just fine), but I dislike the idea of emotionally connecting with children who will never have real love or affection for me. A biological parent can be a terrible parent and their kids, for the most part, are still going to love them and visit them on holidays. I could be the most awesome stepparent ever and there's no guarantee these children will ever want to talk to me when they are adults. They may feel nothing for me even after I work hard for years helping to take care of them.

 

And that makes me really sad to think about. I think this would be very hurtful.

 

Those with good relationships with a stepparent, can you discuss this experience? What was it like as a child? What is like now? What did the stepparent do to become an important part of your life? Do talk to them regularly now? Can you say that you genuinely love them?

[Got it]

$$$$

 

 

 

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And that is the be all in life? Money is not life. And memories are not tied to how much money you have squirreled away.

 

Life is the moments we make in it. Don't let preconceived ideas and assumptions let life pass you by.

[USMCHokie]

And that is the be all in life? Money is not life. And memories are not tied to how much money you have squirreled away.

 

It's not about the money itself, but what paying the money means.

[Got it]

The above scares me. I don't think my BF's kids will hate me (they seem to like me just fine), but I dislike the idea of emotionally connecting with children who will never have real love or affection for me. A biological parent can be a terrible parent and their kids, for the most part, are still going to love them and visit them on holidays. I could be the most awesome stepparent ever and there's no guarantee these children will ever want to talk to me when they are adults. They may feel nothing for me even after I work hard for years helping to take care of them.

 

And that makes me really sad to think about. I think this would be very hurtful.

 

Those with good relationships with a stepparent, can you discuss this experience? What was it like as a child? What is like now? What did the stepparent do to become an important part of your life? Do talk to them regularly now? Can you say that you genuinely love them?

 

There is no guarantees in life period. Biological, adoptive, or step, there are no promises that the kids will be there for you for one minute of their adulthood. It is about the foundation of the time you put in it. But if your interactions and investments in other people is a gain/loss statement then you are not truly investing into other people.

 

Life will throw curveballs for you and know way of safeguarding your heart or your future. You hope for the best and you enjoy the Present.

 

Regardless of genetic make up, I want people to love me, visit me, remember me, because of what value I brought into their lives not out of so grudging sense of obligation and expectation. I would rather be alone if that is the only thing compelling them to grace my doorstep.

[Eve]

OP, I would say that the biggest risk I can identify for you is that the oldest child of your partner will be entering his teen years shortly and if he develops behavioural problems this could deter your partner from having further children - because obviously he will have to concentrate on the existing child. We had to make this decision when my daughter started to play up between the ages of 10 -12 years old. It carried on for a number of years and then I developed a gynaecological problem which prevented me from having further children. I am ok about this now because my daughter has come out of her rebellion and is doing brilliantly - but it did really sting for a time. I am not sure how bearable this would be for you as one who as not yet had any children.

 

Plus there is another side - when I actually sorted out my hormonal problems I found that I did not actually want to have any further children! So I would do two things if I were you. Try and spend time with a newborn baby, like a good few days and I get your hormonal levels checked. I never realised how important it is for women to have very specific tests done to correct imbalances until I nearly went crazy with it myself. Also children are very needy and I cannot state enough how important it is to know the reality of what one would be entering into... though obviously the want of the child carries us through.

 

Try not to panic though and make any rash decisions.

 

Really hope it works out.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited May 20, 2013 by Eve

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I can't imagine loving anyone from someone else's family.

 

 

 

Are you marrying your brother??

 

 

 

I think you're right about being confused.

[Eggplant]

That being said, I don't know if I could ever change my values to find it acceptable to pay to raise a child whose father is still in his life, while I'm on the hook to raise the kid. It basically translates to: "hey dude, I banged your wife and popped out a kid, and now you get to pay for all his sh*t while I take him to baseball games and make him call me daddy! Thanks buddy!"

 

Yea, the world can judge me all they'd like, but I'm no sucker.

You have every right to take that position and decide not to become a stepparent or foster parent. There is no way in HECK if you do become a stepparent that you are not going to financially contribute to the children. You pool your finances and whole life with your spouse. Your spouse has financial obligations toward the children --> therefore you two have financial obligations towards the children.